The 2006 Presidential Election

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Wow. The Democrats now control the House and the Senate. Even though I am very politically conservative, I think this might be a good thing. For the past six years the Dems have had the luxury of just sitting back and saying, "Hey, don't blame us. The Republicans are in control of everything. All we can do is complain from the sidelines."

It reminds me of the Simpsons episode (before it crossed the line, of course) where Flanders coaches Bart's football team and Homer only shows up to the game to complain from the stands with taunting cheers of, "Flaaaaaaaaaannnnnnders! Flaaaaaaaaaannnnnnders!" Finally, Flanders climbs up the stands, gives Homer the clipboard, and walks away. Homer says something to the effect that he didn't want to coach, he just wanted to taunt the coach. Well, many of the playcalling duties now rest heavily upon the Democratic leadership that has been elected by a country that made it clear that it wanted a change in the political landscape. If only President Bush had access to the political equilavent of Nelson Muntz who could score socio-political touchdowns at will before being hauled off by Chief Wiggum......

In the wake of the election results Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is being replaced, which generates the topic of today's blog. If you were President of the United States, which three Cabinet positions below would you replace and with whom? The person with the most creative suggestions will be honorarily elected President of the United States inasmuch as this blog as authority to grant that title, which is none.

-Dept. of Agriculture
-Dept. of Commerce
-Dept. of Defense
-Dept. of Education
-Dept. of Labor
-Dept. of Justice

Here is my reorganized Cabinet:

Department of Labor: Russian Peasant Woman. According to HOTQA.com (Hot Answers for Pregnancy and Parenting) the record for the most children born to one woman is 69. This always accurate website claims that she had 27 pregnancies, giving birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 triplets, and 4 quadruplets. The woman has been in labor so often that she should definitely get the cabinet appointment.

Department of Justice: Judge Judy. I was home sick on Wednesday and watched Judge Judy for the first time in years. I love how she judges the case based almost solely upon the summary of the case given by the narrator. I need decisive people surrounding me, and Judge Judy would be the woman for the job. It would also show my commitment to diversity by appointing a crotchety old woman.

Department of Defense: NEPHISTO. I would appoint a person with the screen name of NEPHISTO. This person is currently leading in www.the-battlefield.com's rankings for a strategy/political/military videogame called Civilizations III. Civ III combines all of the simulated military and political action that the SEC DEF would ever face. Sure, NEPHISTO is probably a pimply-faced fourteen-year-old boy living in Nebraska, but if Harry Potter, Chronicles of Narnia, and Ender's Game have taught us anything it is that nerdy teens can save the world.

Okay, Presidential hopefuls, submit your cabinet changes by Friday 11/17. The best suggestions will have you elected President.

11 comments

andrea said...

Ok, I guess I'll be the first to take a stab at this:

Agriculture: The Green Giant. The man grows some good veggies. And you know what they say about tall people--they always get respect.

Education: Tony. I think Tony must be the funnest seminary teacher. And the Scripture Mastery CD put him over the top. I think if all our children could learn things like the periodic table of elements or Shakespeare to the tune of catchy songs, they'd be set for life.

Justice: Dr. Jack Shephard from Lost. You want to talk about someone who knows how to take the law into his own hands? Slicing one of Ben's arteries to free his friends--what a devious plan. No one would want to mess with him.

10:14 AM
SANDY who is very tall, so should be respected said...

Why can't you pick a topic that the Zent family is guaranteed to WIN, like, "Who gave birth to the largest baby with an epidural that didn't work" - I would win - or "Whose mother dressed them in the worst family-themed Halloween costume?" - Jake would win. I'm going to have to go consult the powers that be (Jake) and we'll get back to you with our groovy nominations. Insert smiley face.

10:46 AM

I can really be President? Fantastic... the first order of business will be to require that the name of this blog be changed because of its false marketing claim of "Normal" Mormon Husbands. Andrew, I've seen you play speed scrabble, and THAT, for one thing, is NOT normal. All in favor, please say I...
What? I haven't been elected President, yet? I have to win this competition first? (In a Kip voice)... "Dang it!"
-Nicolle

12:49 PM
Amy said...

Education: Bill Nye the Science Guy. He can make an educational show for kids that most adults enjoy and can learn from, plus he has a patent on ballet shoes.

Defense:Arnold Schwarzenegger. He has experience in politics and fighting some pretty scary bad guys.

Commerce: Suze Orman. "Truth creates money. Lies destroy it."

Justice: Rex (owner of Rex Kwan Do in Napoleon Dynamite). He gave Uncle Rico the justice he deserved.

1:41 PM

Dept. of Agriculture - Groundskeeper Willie - With his six pack you know that the produce will get the muscle it needs

-Dept. of Commerce - Mr Burns - If the US is his company he will increase the Gross Domestic Product while screwing those Germans (Excellent)

-Dept. of Labor -Grandpa Simpson -
"We had to do labor Back in 19dikity2...we had to call it 'dikity' back then 'cause the Kaiser stole our word for'twenty'"

-Greg

2:51 PM
Angie said...

Dept. of Education: Ethan Hallstrom. He can call meetings where he can keep people captive and hold forth on topics as diverse as the reality of the Nepalise Yeti, how those in colonial times identified a witch (threw her in a lake to see if she drowned), and the liklihood of an earthquake hitting the Salt Lake Valley.

Dept. of Justice: Dennis Sweat. Nobody lies to Detective Sweat. He's levelheaded, but firm, and is never persuaded by special interests. In fact, he's highly suspicious of any special interest other than how well that Boozer guy is going for the Jazz this season. And he has a cop moustache.

Dept. of Defense: Brandon Sweat. I don't know about you, but I want Brandon on my side in any possible future national conflict. Pity the poor Taliban, Janjaweed or Al Quaida member who crosses the B-Train. Plus, he's a lot cuter than Donald Rumsfeld and plays a much better ukelele.

Dept. of Commerce: Forrest Hallstrom, our family's best example of expressing patriotism with your purchasing power. Or at least keeping HomeDepot, MosterTower (the boating accessory shop) and iTunes happily swimming in good old American greenbacks.

Dept. of Labor: As Co-chairpersons, Tony and Cindy Sweat. If their not retiling the guest bathroom, they're installing a putting green in the backyard. Cindy was the only new bride I ever met who actually *built* a kitchen table instead of trying to find one at the DI.

Dept of Agriculture: Barbara Sweat. Have you seen the carrots she grew in this summer? As big as your fore-arm. And during my childhood, without fail, she planted peas along the chainlink fence in the backyard. AND, if you ever go to her house for Sunday dinner, she almost always has at least three varieties of vegetable, and one of them is always sunshine carrots (my favorite).

3:36 PM
Dave said...

Dept. of Agriculture -- Either a banana or whoever created Panda Express. All of our agricultural resources and efforts should go into making all food taste like orange chicken.

Dept. of Commerce -- Me. I like money.

Dept. of Defense -- Me. I like power.

Dept. of Education -- Amy. She can teach advanced calculus to a rock.

Dept. of Labor -- The Beach Boys.

Dept. of Justice -- The best choice, Rex, has already been spoken for and I'll be pretty busy as president, commerce, and justice lead so I can't nominate myself. Therefore I would choose Barney, the big purple dinosaur, because he would be really good at torturing criminals.

7:52 PM
The Future President of the United States said...

Agriculture: Jay Leno - anything to get him off the air.

Defense: Sheri Dew - she's the CEO of Deseret Book and lately has experienced some tense battles with rival cross-town bookseller Seagull Book and Tape and come out on top - she is tall, intelligent, articulate, rather masculine - all in all, a Mormon version of Janet Reno.

Justice: Lila Bohman. She raised 10 kids and they're all normal.

Education: Angie Hallstrom - she's a published author of note, has her Master's in Fine Art, taught at SLCC this year, and her children just had outstanding Parent Teacher Conferences at Monte Vista Elementary!

Love,
Your Mother

8:50 PM
Madam Sheepish said...

geez, I have to proofread, but I don't like to. Then I read the comment after it's posted and realize I should proofread. Please pardon "come out on top" instead of "came out on top." Grandpa Hiatt is off-line now for a few days, because they're in the midst of their move, but I still better correct it!
Mom

8:52 PM
Sandy said...

Okay, Team Zent has come to a decision:

Dept. of Agriculture: The Fruit of the Loom guys. Not only do they look like fruit, but they deal in textiles, too. And they can lip sync, just watch their commercials. These commercials also show that an entire committee (of Fruit of the Loom guys) is a better way to get things done than just one lone fruit.

Dept. of Defense: Mad-Eye Moody. Anybody who can be an Auror and has a cool crazy-eye can fight Osama Bin Laden and turn him into a ferret.

Dept. of Justice:
Mr. T; who could he not intimidate? (besides Jake who may be bigger than Mr. T but doesn't have nearly as much jewelry). And he calls everyone a fool, which usually sums up most people who deal with the justice system anyway, plus he loves his mother (played by Della Reese, who also pities the fool).

I know we're only supposed to choose 3, but we're going to keep going, because everyone else did...

Dept. of Commerce: Scrooge McDuck. He can swim in money. None of us can.

Education: Teddy Ruxpin. He teaches kids to read, he can go anywhere and you can turn him off when he says something offensive.

Labor: Sandy Zent. She (I) gave birth to an 11 pound 7 ounce baby (her FIRST baby, mind you) with an epidural that did not work. No C section. Lots and lots of labor. Baby #2 was normal, but Baby #3 required 30 hours of labor. I know all about labor. And I don't feel sorry for about anyone when they say something hurts.

But you'll all have to wait for another Andrew Challenge to find out what Jake's mother dressed her entire family as for Halloween.

8:51 PM
Ethan said...

Dept. of Agriculture
The famous daves pig. Or the inventor of gatorade

Dept. of Defense
Chuck norris. Nobody loses to chuck.

Dept. of education
Angela hallstrom. She has college experience and could teach a glass of water to tap dance.

Dept. of Commerce
Lorham Buffet.

Dept. of Labor
The telletubies.

Dept. of Justice
Mr. T.

1:44 PM