Saturday, November 04, 2006

Sometimes people just disappear. Sometimes things just vanish. They drop off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again. Give this topic some thought and your comments to this post could land you the coveted "Hagoth Award" which is explained below.

This week there has been an alarming number of both people and inanimate objects that have either announced that they are riding off into the sunset or had it thrust upon them by outside forces. This week's posting is to give out the "Hagoth Award" for things or people who fit the pattern that Hagoth established in the Book of Mormon. In Alma 63:5-8 we read that Hagoth built ships, sailed with people northward, then disappeared. Specifically we learn two things about Hagoth:

1. He was an exceedingly curious man ("curious" in this case is interpreted to mean...umm..how to say this delicately?.....ok-weird, strange, odd, Napoleon Dynamite-ish. When I meet Hagoth one day I will maintain that I always thought he must be creative, adventurous, and inquisitive, which is true. But for the purposes of this post, we are saying weird, ok?).
2. He was, "never heard of more."

In the past few days there have been a couple of Hagoth-like disappearances, either immediate or planned, that caught me completely off guard:

1. Mr. Eko from Lost - After the man survives two separate gunfights with drug dealers, a plane crash, a massive hatch implosion, and a viscious polar bear attack, I though he was indestructable. Unfortunately, he wasn't strong enough to withstand being slammed against the trees by a mysteriously powerful black smoggy cloud. Any drug-selling, homocidal, brother-betraying, lunatic-turned-Priest definitely qualifies as "curious". With his untimely death, he may never be heard from more.

2. Bob Barker. On Halloween Bob Barker announced that he is going to retire as the host of The Price is Right by saying, "I will be 83 years old on December 12 and I've decided to retire while I'm still young." Bob is definitely of a curious nature as he has actively surrounded himself with rabid, screaming, oddly-dressed people whom he consistently reminds to spay and neutre their animals. (Members of the Sweat/Huish clan who have been audience members are exempt from the rabid part of that description. You've been downgraded to "somewhat fanatical"). Happy trails, Bob.

3. The Ford Taurus. After 21 years as one of the best-selling sedans in the United States, Ford Motor company announced this week that it is discontinuing the Taurus. The Sweat family had a Taurus that got us around for several years when I was a teenager. The Taurus was such an upgrade from our Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme (which is beginning to sound more and more like a Taco Bell item.."Yeah, I'll have a nacho supreme, two bean burritos, two crunchy taco supremes, and a cutlass supreme, please.") that to me the Taurus was luxurious. It did curiously break down frequently, but it was a part of our family for years. Kind of like Tony.

4. The Pink Flamingo. The iconic, curious front yard decoration is dead at 49. The patent-holding manufactured, Union Products, announced that it will no longer produce the strange birds due to "increases in costs of electricity and plastic resin combined with loss of financing". I truly believe that their PR firm decided to use that softer explanation instead of the one that we are all thinking in our heads right now, which is, they are ugly, cheap, and likely to start Hatfield-McCoy relationships amongst neighbors once the appear in the lawn.

While these four things are going the way of Hagoth, we all have people or things that we wish would do us all the favor by doing the same. Please comment to this posting by listing the three people or things that you consider curious and wish that they would just disappear. The three best entries will be awarded the Hagoth Award. Have fun and try not to mourn too much over Bob Barker.


andrea said...

I'll have to take some time to think about my nominees, but I just have to say...you don't really think we'll never see Mr. Eko again just because he died, do you?
I'm sure we'll see him again in flashbacks, dreams, etc. He was too fascinating of a character to just go the way of Hagoth.

7:08 AM
Dave said...

Traffic Lights -- I think all intersections should be free-for-alls. Traffic lights, and all traffic rules for that matter, go against the basic Darwinian rules of nature. I'm talking about natural selection, people. By forcing drivers to rely on their own instincts behind the wheel we will quickly weed out the driving challenged among us. My plan will ultimately create a civilization of super drivers and the world will be a better place.

Day Light Savings Time -- Besides the fact that I am up about 5 hours earlier than I want to be with a young child, there are other reasons to hate daylight savings time. Most importantly, it bugs me that we think we are so important that we can just change the time system whenever we feel like it. Time should be governed by the motion of the Earth relative to the sun. I think every major past civilization in the history of Earth figured that one out. So it's none of our business messing with time.

Oprah Winfrey -- I must type fast because as soon as Amy realizes I want to get rid of Oprah, I will have very little time to live. Oprah is a bad influence for women of all ages. Sure, she hides her malice behind free cars, charity trips to Africa, sensible fashion tips, and Rachel Ray, but she's not fooling anybody. Oprah will stop at nothing until she has complete world domination and she will use her female minion to accomplish her goals. So we must snub her while we still can. Oh no...Amy is coming...run away!

7:29 AM
former Olds Cutlass & Taurus owner said...

1. People who begin talks by saying "Before I begin, I would like to....." (Sorry, friend; too late.You've already begun.)

2. People who have heard the joke before and beat you to the punch line. (Not the best way to win friends and influence people.)

3. Magazine ads for new cars that say IN VERY BIG PRINT:"$18,900" list all the exotic features (each with a small asterisk indicating
"available", then, in extremely small print: "As shown: $28,900).

Unfortunately, I don't believe any of these are going to sail off and never be heard from again, but a guy can dream, can't he?

9:51 AM
Toyota Owner said...

Transfat in our foods that wasn't added until after 1960 and I think people look different now.....


Round-abouts - they're so dumb. I use my passenger seat as a filing cabinet, so every day on the way to work I have to deal with the realization that at any moment as I am rounding the bout, everything may slide off the leather seats and onto the floor.

4:36 PM
Amy said...

1. Political ads that don't tell you anything the politition stands for.

2. Tipping. I hate that people expect a tip. It doesn't matter whether they did a good job, they automatically expect 15%. Waitresses, cab drivers, bell hops, you're just doing your job! It's even worse if you have a group over 20 and the gratuity is automatically added to your bill. Tips should be reserved for people who go an extra mile and make your experience better than expected.

3. Dentists that think they're gods. Sorry Andrea, but it's true. Our dentist called us (well his secretary did) the day before our appointment and cancelled because he decided he didn't want to work Fridays anymore. Then we were told the earliest appointment we could make was 5 months away! So we're waiting until December to see the only dentist in Castle Rock that takes our insurance when we tried to get in 6 months ago! They're the only occupation (besides pharmacists) that can get away with working 3 days a week from 10:00 - 2:00 with an hour lunch break at noon.

6:35 PM
Mom said...

Andrew - This is such a great blog. I really enjoy reading it and reading everyone's comments.

8:17 PM
andrea said...

Dave stole my Daylight Savings Time rant. Darn--I was too slow! So, here are my 3 runners-up

1. Slugs. I grew up in the desert. I'd never seen a slug and thought they were mysterious and creepy, but a little cool, too. Now I live in the South where slugs are plentiful. Let me tell you, they are NOT cool. They are disgusting and scary and I REALLY wish they would just go away.

2. Winter. Although I have grown to love the change in seasons since we left AZ, I still hate winter. Being cold is so uncomfortable. This is one of the main reasons I dream of moving back to the desert.

3. Gilbert Gottfried and every movie, commercial, and TV show he's ever been on. His voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Why would anyone pay this guy to annoy people? He has "starred" in such winners as Problem Child, a series called "The Amazing Live Sea Monkeys", and those ultra-irritating AFLAC duck commercials. Please, please go the way of Hagoth!

4:28 AM
Sandy said...

I agree with most of what has been posted here...but I have to say that my #1 thing that I absolutely hate with all my heart and wish would go away are MICE. I see absolutely no purpose for them, they just get into stuff and poop all over everything and make holes in things. Yuck,yuck, yuck.

#2:Commercials that are nothing more than thinly veiled soft porn: Victoria's Secret, most alcoholic beverage commercials, commercials for "Sex and the City" or "Nip/Tuck". I don't like innocently watching a TV show with my family and having mostly naked computer enhanced women dancing around or talking like they should be working in a shifty nightclub suddenly appear on the screen.

#3: Telemarketers. Especially the kind that don't actually use a live human on the other side of the phone - the automated ones are the worst. Do you know how many times I have picked up the phone in the middle of dinner - or even worse - naptime- and heard, "Hi! This is Chuck! With Dish!" that never says exactly which company "Chuck" works for, or how to get on their DO NOT CALL list. Once one of these gave a 1-800 number to call to get off their list. I called it. It was a bogus number. The nebulous "dish" company continued to call me every day at 2pm for like 2 weeks. My favorite are the ones where the person calls and said they can get us a lower interest rate on our mortage. I usually lose my cool and say something rude like, "WE DON'T HAVE A MORTGAGE! THERE AREN'T ANY HOUSES TO BUY IN THIS STINKIN' TOWN! THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN!!" At which point the stammering sales person just says, "Oh, well it says here you have a mortgage. Why don't you give me your name and address and I'll send you some information". Why do they think they have personal financial information about me, but don't know my name or address (even though they just called me)? Can you tell this is a sore spot?? I recently registered on the national do not call list, but we still get the automated calls that you can't do anything about & that list something looking legit on the caller ID. They should all go away. I have never, and will never, buy or sign up for anything from a telemarketer.And I hope no one who reads this works for a telemarketing firm. If you do, you should repent and find a new job.

9:48 AM
fhallstrom said...

1. The people who start those e-mail chain letters like "10 Reasons God Wants to Give You a Hug" or "19 Dewey Droplets of Sunshine in a Mommy's Day" . . . and when you get to the bottom of the email it says, "So remember! God Loves you! And if you don't email this to 20 of your closest friends IMMEDIATELY, his plague will descend as a pox upon your house." What is UP with that??? I have a few sweet friends who always forward these things because there's probably a little corner of fear in their brain that God is indeed watching their email inbox and outbox and it will be all their fault if their children are diagnosed with the ebola virus. I don't blame the forwarders, really. I just blame the either 1. sadistic or 2. just plain nutty ("curious") type of person who would compose such an email in the first place.

2. Fashionable "panel-less" maternity pants that are supposed to fit snugly "under the belly." OK. Think of any pregnant woman you know. How in the name of gravity is she supposed to keep her pants up? In my opinion it's physically impossible, and it's just plain mean to sell these pants to unsuspecting women who are just trying to be hip. It's bad enough to gain a couple pounds a week. We don't need our pants around our ankles in order to remind us of our less-than-glamorous state.

3. Modern versions of fake swearing. This includes "Fetch," "Judas Priest," and "Mother Crunker." I should not need to explain this. Interestingly, I'm not altogether opposed to "Freakin'" and feel that "Heck," "Gosh," "Dang," "Darn""Shoot," and even "What the . . .?" (followed by silence) have stood the test of time and deserve their place in the American lexicon.

Angie "Freakin" Hallstrom

3:30 PM
Anonymous said...

Richard Simmons-any man that can be quasi-fat, have an afro, wear tights, and make both the male AND the female sex uncomfortable needs to Hagoth off.

Car Commercial Ads-Do you really have to talk THAT loud, and repeat it three times? "Monster sale, mosters sale, monster sale!" And, if you are stupid enough to "overstock" your supply that you need to "liquidate", do you really think I want to buy a car from you?

Viagra/E.D./other bodily function commercials during primetime television-You know, I think I was 28 before I knew what E.D. was (call me when you are 28 Dave and we'll fill you in). Now everyone 5 and under can tell you the benefits and health risks associated with Viagra. When those commericals come in in the middle of a show, and you have company over or you are watching with your kids, can you say, "the definition of awkward?"

5:19 PM
Anonymous said...

p.s. Anonymous is Tone...sorry, I am not a blogging pro yet.

5:20 PM
Dave said...

Tony, I'm sorry to hear you've had ED problems since age 28.

6:11 PM

1. barking dogs: more specifically, people who own dogs and put them in the backyard and ignore them for weeks at a time. You can't really blame the dogs, who are so bored and neglected that they have no choice but to bark all day at everything they see and hear (other dogs, people taking walks in the neighborhood, squirrels, the wind... you get the point).
2. People who are famous for no real reason. For example, Brittney Spears, Paris Hilton, Jessica and Ashley Simpson- all people who have become famous without really being talented at anything at all. (Imagine my disappointment when a new voice student tells me they want to take lessons so that they can sing like Brittney Spears). The sad part is, the culture of our country has made these people famous, but that is a discussion for another day.
3. living martyrs: people who just can't be grateful for anything.- EVERYTHING in their life is a trial. We all have moments when we feel like this, but this Hagoth wish is for people who ALWAYS think that about EVERYTHING!
- submitted by Nicolle with help from Greg across the ocean

P.S. I totally agree with
-Dentists (don't worry Andrea, I LOVE hygenists!)
-Madonna (how can a known sex symbol also be a children's author???... I've heard of multi-tasking and modern-day "renaissance women," but this is pushing it).

6:58 PM