My Hagoth Nominees

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

In my Zeniff-like overzealousness to rush to announce the winner of the Hagoth Award (again, props to Angie for her overall brilliance and Andrea for the Gilbert Gottfried contribution), I forgot to make my three nominations! An unforgiveable journalistic oversight. You can even feel free to judge my nominations on your own random scoring scale in your comments if you would like. This could be especially theraputic if you feel you were robbed by my ratings. So, here are the three curious things or people that just need to go away:

1. Terrell Owens. For those of us who follow the NFL, go to, or listen to
sports radio, the T.O. coverage is enough to drive you nuts. They should start an ESPN-6 station that is devoted to nothing but the Cowboy's loudmouth primadonna so that the rest of the sports news media can cover other important stories, like BYU football cracking the Top-25. Go Coogs!

2. The Nerd-Boy Scientitsts Who Stripped Pluto Of Its Planetary Status. As a kid, Pluto was my favorite planet because it was named after a Disney character and I could always remember that it was last in order in the solar system, unlike confusing planets like Neptune. Is Neptune the fifth planet? Seventh? Fourteenth? Does it have rings or a giant red spot? Or is it a goiter.....Anyway, you can't raise an entire generation of kids under the assumption that Pluto is a planet and then just pull the rug out from under them. Even if it doesn't technically qualify as a planet, shouldn't the scientists just have said, "Well, we are too far into this planet thing. Let's just let it slide"?

3. The WNBA. Since a surprisingly high number of the readers of Normal Mormon Husbands is female, please don't comment about this being a purely sexist nomination. In fact, unless you can name the team that won the WNBA championship last year, list the names of the best Guard, Forward, and Center in the league (without having to look anything up), and have watched an entire WNBA game, you cannot hack on me for nominating this awful league. The WNBA has got to go because it is a bad product, plain and simple. After ten years of consistenly declining attendance figures and a number of folded franchises, it's time for the NBA to pull the plug on this league that is more of a social/PR statement than anything else.

I have a great deal of respect for female athletes. My mom played powderpuff football. My wife and sister both lettered in multiple sports in high school. Andrea and I went to a lot of BYU womens' volleyball games and they were absolutely amazing athletes. I hope my daughter earns a full-ride sports scholarship one day. The annoying fact about the WNBA is that David Stern and the NBA brass keep the league afloat by subsidizing its losses with the NBA's profits. Let's not even mention the enormous amount of free advertising the WNBA gets on ABC and ESPN and still draws horrible ratings that continue to decline. The WNBA needs to follow the example of other failed sports leagues like the XFL, USBL, and CBA and go the way of Hagoth.


Dave said...

Andrew, I am completely stupified by the level of ignorance you displayed in your choice of Hagothing the people who demoted Pluto. I am so dumbfounded that I don't even know what to say. I mean, science is fluid and increases in knowledge lead to better definitions of nature. When Pluto was discovered, very few astronomical bodies in the solar system were known and since it followed an orbit that sort of looked like the other planets, it was called a planet. Since then we have found thousands of objects in the region of Pluto and have come to the realization that they do not have many of the characteristics of other planets. Most of these new objects are larger than Pluto.

Of course I don't expect you to be aware of what is going on in the field of astronomy, but using tradition as your argument? Oh please! Do you think the Earth is flat regardless of whether or not Columbus fell off the edge? Should we burn all the heratics who believe the Sun is the center of the Solar System and not the Earth? Should I be catholic and worship saints just because my grandmother did, and her grandmother, and her grantmother, ad nausium? It's because of people like you that we're not on the Sistema Internacional (metric system) and are still measuring things according to some dead king's forearm. So please, the next time you fill this blog full of erroneous information, don't do it behind the guise of tradition.

5:48 PM


Whoa, buddy! Call off the dogs. I just have two things to say:

1. Please read this article about Irritable Male Syndrome
This the only logical, scientific explanation for your outrage over Pluto.

2. You actually proved my point as to why the scientists need to go the way of Hagoth. They're incompetent. If they are so smart, how could they not have noticed the "thousands of objects in the region on Pluto...most of these are larger than Pluto"?

Any person or group of people who can make a mistake that large in scope should be banished! At least that what tradition tells me, anyway.

7:13 PM
dad sweat said...

This is to claify what you thought I posted, when in fact there is another relative that also had an olds cutless and a ford tauras, and is much more verbal than I. You were right to be surprised when you thought that I had responded to your blog, I hadn't. You will have to figure out who the other owner of those two cars is, because it isn't me. This will be my only post because barb made me do it.

8:32 PM
Forrest said...

Psst, it's Forrest. Between me and you, you are totally right about Pluto. I mean the third law of planets is that they have to dominate their trajectory. Am I right?
I mean, does Pluto DOMINATE it's trajectory??? I don't think so. It's pretty clear to just about anyone, except Andrew, that it's just a tagalong to Neptune. If Drew had his way he'd probably be pasting a glow in the dark Xena on his ceiling right next to Pluto so that every night when he lays his enormously large body down to rest he could kiss them both good night.
But I digress. Regardless of Andrew's baseless scientific observations, and trust me you don't know the half of them, if you don't stop this kind of personal attack you are going to tick him off and he is going to seriously rearrange your molecules, right down to the atomic level.
You don't need to apologize or anything but when you come to Utah for Christmas make sure you bring up how crazy that whole carbon dating thing is and then offer him some "freedom fries". He can't resist them.

10:33 PM
Forrest said...

Psst, it's Forrest. Between me and you, you are totally right about Dave, that guy is a poster child for IMS, Irritable Male Syndrome. Am I right?
I mean, whoa nellie, we're just talking about Pluto. I think Dave has his Kuiper Belt a little too tight if you know what I mean.
What's next, Saturn has to go because it's mass to volume ratio doesn't qualify? So Saturn's volume is 844 times that of Earth while it's mass is only 95 times that of earth. Who cares, is Earth really the end all and be all of mass baselines?? I don't think so.
But I digress. Regardless of Dave's fanatical flashpoints, don't even get him started on the alarmingly increasing ratio of sports scholarships compared to science scholarships, you need to curb the personal attacks. Remember in the cartoons of our youth there was always a tiny science villain who would do some serious damage to the hero with potions and powders and such? Dave spent a lot of time in chemistry classes in college and I don't think he is afraid to use that knowledge. Ever see Dave Virgin around anymore??? Me neither.
No need to apologize or anything but when you are back in Utah for Christmas I wouldn't accept any "freedom fries" from the guy if I was you.
Your buddy, F

10:52 PM
Amy said...

Has anyone else had "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof going through their head for two days?

7:32 AM
andrea said...

I don't know how to enter a spreadsheet into a comment, but here are my scores for you:
Curious Disappear
TO 8 9
Pluto 5 5
WNBA 2 3

That gives you a grand total of 27. Ouch. Not so hot. I expected more from you, sweetie. I guess you've got to know your audience a little better--we're all a bunch of science lovers and/or female athletes.

10:47 AM
Amy said...

Here's my scoring for you:
Curious Disappear
T.O. 7 5
(I don't listen to sports radio)

Pluto 4 1
(I promise this isn't being influenced by my husband, I'm a nerd on my own)

WNBA 5 3
(I've only been to one WNBA game, but I've only been to one NBA game too even though I love basketball. I think the women should have their chance, but they should be able to make it on their own.)

Instead of WNBA going the way of Hagoth, how about the WWF?

That gives you a total of 25. I'm not in last anymore.

11:28 AM
Forrest said...

It's officially happened. Your blog has been taken over by the wives. Please start a new man blog but keep it secret this time.

3:35 PM
Dave said...

Andrew, my comment was mostly a jest so I have no hard feelings. But you must realize that I count myself in the "Nerd-Boy Scientists Who Stripped Pluto Of Its Planetary Status" group, even though I wasn't actually on the committee. And it's not very nice to say that you want to Hagoth your brother-in-law. Besides, nobody suggested Hagothing those crazy HR departments. Please don't rearrange my molecules this Christmas.

Forest, I had no idea you knew so much about the subject. I'm very impressed.

5:20 PM