Wednesday, November 29, 2006
This week I have decided to let the Normal Mormon Husbands blog sprout some chest hair and bring up a subject that definietly has a Y chromosome in it somewhere. The topic is so manly, in fact, that the blog is actually beginning to grow some back and ear hair as well. So without further ado, let's open up the discussion on the Manliest Movie Quotes of all-time. Please submit up to three quotes of your own and the comment with the three best nominations will win the Manly Man award. I hope that all of my male readers come up with good recommendations since it would be embarassing for a married mother of several young children to walk away with this award.
I gave this about 45 seconds worth of thought and came up with my list of the ten manliest movie quotes of all-time, which are:
10. "For England, for home, and for the prize!" - Capt. Jack Aubrey, Master and Commander
9. "I play for the United States of America!" - Mike Eruzione, Miracle (about the US Hockey Team)
8. "It's only a flesh wound! Have at you!" - The knight on the losing end of the swordfight, Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Classic.
7. "I know Kung Fu." - Neo, The Matrix (Cleanflix edited version, of course)
6. "Cut me, Mick" - Rocky Balboa, Rocky I
5. "My name is Indugo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." - Indugo Montoya, The Princess Bride
4. "If Coach stays, I play. If Coach goes, I go." - Jimmy Chitwood, Hoosiers
3. "Sweep the leg" - The Evil Sensei, Karate Kid
2. "If he dies, he dies" - Ivan Drago, Rocky II
1. "Wolverines!" - Patrick Swaze, Red Dawn
I remember as a teenager living with the fear that we would go to war with Russia. If you have never seen Red Dawn, it stars almost every young cool actor of the early nineties (Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Gray, Lea Thompson, and Charlie Sheen). When the US is suddenly invaded by a Cuban and Russian army, these high school students retreat to the woods and then singlehandedly topple the invasion. Their high school's mascot is the Wolverine, which they yell at very manly moments throughout the movie. I think my voice began to change the first time I yelled, "Wolverines" while pretending that my younger brother, two best friends, and I had become guerilla rebels who somehow saved the country with our .22's. This phrase was so moving to me that when Hunter High School was built and they asked for the incoming students to vote on the mascot, I voted for "Wolverines", which ended up being our mascot.
Best of luck racking your brains and coming up with something that can give the rest of us goosebumps.
Monday, November 20, 2006
The voting results are in and for the first time since Bill and Hillary we have a husband and wife co-presidential team in the White House. These results are final despite voting irregularities that took place in Oregon/Utah as Grandpa Hiatt was disenfranchised due to the move, so I'm sure this will go to the Supreme Court eventually. But until then, congratulations to Presidents Jake and Sandy Zent. The nomination of Mr. T as the SECDEF put you over the top. Here were some of the other notable nominations:
-Andrea: The Jolly Green Giant has always given freakishly tall people a certain amount of hope that we can live happy, fulfilled lives so thank you for nominating him. He would also be a good SECDEF since he could just step on rival armies a-la Godzilla and if the enemy was to blow off an appendage or something, he could just regrow it with some water and direct sunlight.
-Sherwoods: If you've ever seen the amount of mayonnaise that goes on my Cold Cut Combo at Subway, that is not normal either so I guess I can't get all huffy about your first comment (jerks!). Anyway, you had wonderful nominations until you isolated your German-American voters when discussing Mr. Burns and then angering them a second time by bringing up the Kaiser. Also, Groundskeeper Willie can't serve as Secretary of Agriculture because he is not a U.S.-born citizen. Rookies!
-Amy: You are always in contention to win any of these silly challenges and Bill Nye the Science Guy was my overall favorite nomination. You lost me with the Suze Orman quote, however, because if Enron, Worldcom, etc. taught us anything, it's that lies can actually create a whole lot of money. Even though the house of cards eventually crashes down, it could sustain itself at least long enough to get you re-elected.
-Angie: The comments about Forrest honestly made me laugh out loud. I'm sure that each of those of us in the Sweat family all got a chuckle out of the rest of them as well. I'll be honest with you, the odds were stacked against you coming into this Presidential race. You won the last contest among many cries of "Nepotism!" from other, more jaded readers. If you won two in a row after nominating only family members into your cabinet, all three of my non-family readers would revolt for good. Politics is an ugly game.
-Dave: You really scare me.
-Mom: You could really survive in politics with cutthroat comments like the one you made about Jay Leno. What happened? Did he make fun of people who have dozens of rooster-related items hanging up around their kitchens? I've been unaware of the Seagull Book & Tape and Desert Book broo-haw-haw but would only compare Sherri Dew to Janet Reno if her solution was to burn Seagull's corporate offices to the ground like she did with the Koresh compound or if she tried to deport their CEO like she did to Elian Gonzalez.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
It reminds me of the Simpsons episode (before it crossed the line, of course) where Flanders coaches Bart's football team and Homer only shows up to the game to complain from the stands with taunting cheers of, "Flaaaaaaaaaannnnnnders! Flaaaaaaaaaannnnnnders!" Finally, Flanders climbs up the stands, gives Homer the clipboard, and walks away. Homer says something to the effect that he didn't want to coach, he just wanted to taunt the coach. Well, many of the playcalling duties now rest heavily upon the Democratic leadership that has been elected by a country that made it clear that it wanted a change in the political landscape. If only President Bush had access to the political equilavent of Nelson Muntz who could score socio-political touchdowns at will before being hauled off by Chief Wiggum......
In the wake of the election results Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is being replaced, which generates the topic of today's blog. If you were President of the United States, which three Cabinet positions below would you replace and with whom? The person with the most creative suggestions will be honorarily elected President of the United States inasmuch as this blog as authority to grant that title, which is none.
-Dept. of Agriculture
-Dept. of Commerce
-Dept. of Defense
-Dept. of Education
-Dept. of Labor
-Dept. of Justice
Here is my reorganized Cabinet:
Department of Labor: Russian Peasant Woman. According to HOTQA.com (Hot Answers for Pregnancy and Parenting) the record for the most children born to one woman is 69. This always accurate website claims that she had 27 pregnancies, giving birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 triplets, and 4 quadruplets. The woman has been in labor so often that she should definitely get the cabinet appointment.
Department of Justice: Judge Judy. I was home sick on Wednesday and watched Judge Judy for the first time in years. I love how she judges the case based almost solely upon the summary of the case given by the narrator. I need decisive people surrounding me, and Judge Judy would be the woman for the job. It would also show my commitment to diversity by appointing a crotchety old woman.
Department of Defense: NEPHISTO. I would appoint a person with the screen name of NEPHISTO. This person is currently leading in www.the-battlefield.com's rankings for a strategy/political/military videogame called Civilizations III. Civ III combines all of the simulated military and political action that the SEC DEF would ever face. Sure, NEPHISTO is probably a pimply-faced fourteen-year-old boy living in Nebraska, but if Harry Potter, Chronicles of Narnia, and Ender's Game have taught us anything it is that nerdy teens can save the world.
Okay, Presidential hopefuls, submit your cabinet changes by Friday 11/17. The best suggestions will have you elected President.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
1. Terrell Owens. For those of us who follow the NFL, go to ESPN.com, or listen to
sports radio, the T.O. coverage is enough to drive you nuts. They should start an ESPN-6 station that is devoted to nothing but the Cowboy's loudmouth primadonna so that the rest of the sports news media can cover other important stories, like BYU football cracking the Top-25. Go Coogs!
2. The Nerd-Boy Scientitsts Who Stripped Pluto Of Its Planetary Status. As a kid, Pluto was my favorite planet because it was named after a Disney character and I could always remember that it was last in order in the solar system, unlike confusing planets like Neptune. Is Neptune the fifth planet? Seventh? Fourteenth? Does it have rings or a giant red spot? Or is it a goiter.....Anyway, you can't raise an entire generation of kids under the assumption that Pluto is a planet and then just pull the rug out from under them. Even if it doesn't technically qualify as a planet, shouldn't the scientists just have said, "Well, we are too far into this planet thing. Let's just let it slide"?
3. The WNBA. Since a surprisingly high number of the readers of Normal Mormon Husbands is female, please don't comment about this being a purely sexist nomination. In fact, unless you can name the team that won the WNBA championship last year, list the names of the best Guard, Forward, and Center in the league (without having to look anything up), and have watched an entire WNBA game, you cannot hack on me for nominating this awful league. The WNBA has got to go because it is a bad product, plain and simple. After ten years of consistenly declining attendance figures and a number of folded franchises, it's time for the NBA to pull the plug on this league that is more of a social/PR statement than anything else.
I have a great deal of respect for female athletes. My mom played powderpuff football. My wife and sister both lettered in multiple sports in high school. Andrea and I went to a lot of BYU womens' volleyball games and they were absolutely amazing athletes. I hope my daughter earns a full-ride sports scholarship one day. The annoying fact about the WNBA is that David Stern and the NBA brass keep the league afloat by subsidizing its losses with the NBA's profits. Let's not even mention the enormous amount of free advertising the WNBA gets on ABC and ESPN and still draws horrible ratings that continue to decline. The WNBA needs to follow the example of other failed sports leagues like the XFL, USBL, and CBA and go the way of Hagoth.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
It was the fake cussing that put Angie past Andrea, Tony, and Mom who all tied for second place. Now that we no longer live in Provo, which is perhaps the fake cussing capital of the universe, I have come to enjoy life without excessive use of words like "fetch".
Special recognition go to the following people for their posts:
1. Dad Sweat - Completely surprised that you would post in the first place, but then you came up big time with the Joke Stealer comment.
2. Andrea - Gilbert Gottfried was one of only two posts that scored a perfect 20. How is this guy still employed?
3. Mom - Madonna was the other perfect 20. I loved how there was no explanation needed, just the name.
You can click on the spreadsheet below to see comments and ratings for all of the entries and to see what place you took. Again, this is a very subjective, random scoring technique that took me all of three mintues to complete. Each entry was given 1 (low) to 10 (high) points for "curious" and "disappear". The more random or weird the comment, the higher the score on the curious scale. The more I felt that the person or thing need to be eliminated from existence, the higher the "disappear" score. If you think you got shafted, go ahead and leave a comment.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
This week there has been an alarming number of both people and inanimate objects that have either announced that they are riding off into the sunset or had it thrust upon them by outside forces. This week's posting is to give out the "Hagoth Award" for things or people who fit the pattern that Hagoth established in the Book of Mormon. In Alma 63:5-8 we read that Hagoth built ships, sailed with people northward, then disappeared. Specifically we learn two things about Hagoth:
1. He was an exceedingly curious man ("curious" in this case is interpreted to mean...umm..how to say this delicately?.....ok-weird, strange, odd, Napoleon Dynamite-ish. When I meet Hagoth one day I will maintain that I always thought he must be creative, adventurous, and inquisitive, which is true. But for the purposes of this post, we are saying weird, ok?).
2. He was, "never heard of more."
In the past few days there have been a couple of Hagoth-like disappearances, either immediate or planned, that caught me completely off guard:
1. Mr. Eko from Lost - After the man survives two separate gunfights with drug dealers, a plane crash, a massive hatch implosion, and a viscious polar bear attack, I though he was indestructable. Unfortunately, he wasn't strong enough to withstand being slammed against the trees by a mysteriously powerful black smoggy cloud. Any drug-selling, homocidal, brother-betraying, lunatic-turned-Priest definitely qualifies as "curious". With his untimely death, he may never be heard from more.
2. Bob Barker. On Halloween Bob Barker announced that he is going to retire as the host of The Price is Right by saying, "I will be 83 years old on December 12 and I've decided to retire while I'm still young." Bob is definitely of a curious nature as he has actively surrounded himself with rabid, screaming, oddly-dressed people whom he consistently reminds to spay and neutre their animals. (Members of the Sweat/Huish clan who have been audience members are exempt from the rabid part of that description. You've been downgraded to "somewhat fanatical"). Happy trails, Bob.
3. The Ford Taurus. After 21 years as one of the best-selling sedans in the United States, Ford Motor company announced this week that it is discontinuing the Taurus. The Sweat family had a Taurus that got us around for several years when I was a teenager. The Taurus was such an upgrade from our Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme (which is beginning to sound more and more like a Taco Bell item.."Yeah, I'll have a nacho supreme, two bean burritos, two crunchy taco supremes, and a cutlass supreme, please.") that to me the Taurus was luxurious. It did curiously break down frequently, but it was a part of our family for years. Kind of like Tony.
4. The Pink Flamingo. The iconic, curious front yard decoration is dead at 49. The patent-holding manufactured, Union Products, announced that it will no longer produce the strange birds due to "increases in costs of electricity and plastic resin combined with loss of financing". I truly believe that their PR firm decided to use that softer explanation instead of the one that we are all thinking in our heads right now, which is, they are ugly, cheap, and likely to start Hatfield-McCoy relationships amongst neighbors once the appear in the lawn.
While these four things are going the way of Hagoth, we all have people or things that we wish would do us all the favor by doing the same. Please comment to this posting by listing the three people or things that you consider curious and wish that they would just disappear. The three best entries will be awarded the Hagoth Award. Have fun and try not to mourn too much over Bob Barker.