Dynamite! John Heder Wins LDS All-Star Survivor

Friday, December 22, 2006

Angie, Forrest, Amy, and Andrea - you guys rocked. Those were four of the most creative posts I have ever read. Each one of you made me chuckle as I read through your responses. I know several of you had to neglect work/family duties for extensive periods of time to post your responses, so thank you for having your priorities completely out of whack and dedicating valuable time to my blog.

Gladys Knight and John Heder tied with each receiving two first place votes. Three of the four postings had Gladys and John facing eachother in the finals, and John won in two of those three scenarios. I'll use that as the tie breaker and give John the title of sole Survivor, and winner of Survivor: LDS All-Stars.

Today's Challenge: Who Wins For "Best Survivor Posting?"
There were four outstandingly creative posts on this topic by Angie, Forrest, Amy, and Andrea. Instead of me arbitrarily selecting a winner, we will decide this in true Survivor fashion by casting secret ballots.

Vote for "Best Survivor Posting" by emailing me at goldgoat97@yahoo.com by Tuesday 12/26.
Any reader can cast a vote, even if they did not post a comment. The four participants can ask their friends, associates, relatives, or complete strangers to vote for them if they so desire and the person with the most points wins.

Each vote is worth 5 points. Those who posted the entries will receive 3 points toward your own total for casting a vote, but you cannot vote for your own entry. You can make alliances, post cryptic messages, say your grandmother is dead when she is really living in Florida, etc.

It's going to be an intersting night at camp. Now take your torches and head home.


Survivor: LDS All-Stars

Saturday, December 16, 2006












This weekend is the big 2-hr. Survivor season finale, which is one of the few t.v. programs that gets me excited every year. I am really pulling for Ozzie to win it all, though I am convinced that he is 1/3 man, 1/3 lemur, and 1/3 dolphin based on his performances in the challenges.

Whenever Latter-day Saints show up on reality programs I get a little bit anxious. As the narrator of Survivor, Amazing Race, etc. introduces all of the participants in the first episode and says, "...And then there is Nephi Jackson, a recluse Mormon cattle rancher from Kanab, Utah....." I start to fret, wring my hands, and think to myself, "oh, please, don't blow it, Nephi. You've got the whole world watching, just be normal, play it cool, and don't embarass the other twelve million of us." Sometimes it works out well, like with Neleah who almost won Survivor a few years ago. Sometimes it backfires, like with the drama queen from The Real World who got kicked out of BYU.

Anywho, as a tribute to Survivor and famous Mormons throught the world, I have simulated a full season of Survivor: LDS All-Stars. The remaining four finalists are:

1. John Heder - Star of Napoleon Dynamite. Has primarily been kept around camp because he uses the skills he learned during his Fishing Merit Badge to feed the team. He was also critical at keeping peace in the camp and diffused a tense arguement between Danny Ainge (Former NBA player and current Boston Celtics' GM) and Harry Reed (Democrat - Nevada, current Majority Whip) by saying in his Napoleon voice, "Gosh! Why can't you guys just shut up! This is retarded!" Everybody laughed, Danny and Harry hugged, and John's stock rose.

2. Gladys Knight - Legendary singer. Gladys has survived by being the mother figure to the rest of the group. Showing her southern hospitality, she is constantly making sure people are comfortable, have fresh water, and can cry on her shoulder when they miss their families. A touching moment was hearing her gently sing "Amazing Grace" as Kevin Rollins (CEO of Dell) lamented the recent 12% drop in Dell's stock price which cost him nearly half a billion dollars.

3. Rulon Gardner - Gold medalist in Greco Roman Wrestling who pulled off perhaps the most stunning upset in Olympic history by defeating Alexander Karelin of Russia. Affectionately called "Brother Bunyon" by the group, Rulon is the workhorse of the team. Always bringing back water, uprooting fruit trees trees, gathering firewood, etc. and he claims he's happy to do it. Tragedy struck when he "accidentally" stepped on Marie Osmond's leg on day 4, forcing Marie off of the show and into traction. Rulon's true self emerged as he confessed to the camera, "Marie was a bigger threat than a triple nelson. Rulon's here to win, and Rulon's got to do what Rulon's got to do".

4. Ken Jennings - Won 74 straight games of Jeopardy and pocketed over $3 million in earnings. Possibly the smartest man on the planet, Ken never blended with the rest of the group. On Day 1, Steve Young (Former NFL MVP) told the rest of the contestants, "We've got to get the walking encyclopedia out of here. He freaks me out, the way he just sits there and silently observes everything. You can just hear him thinking over there". Everybody agreed with Steve to get rid of Ken. Sensing he was on the chopping block, Ken orchestrated a massive arguement between Steve and Sherri Dew, which fractured the team and allowed him to slip by. Ken then found the immunity idol without even going to exile island (don't ask me to explain, the guy just figured it out, okay?) but had to play the idol when Kathleen Burton Clarke (Director of the Bureau of Land Management) organized enough votes against him.

There are two immunity challenges left:

1. Contestants need to eat 1/2 pound of live cockroaches, swim to pick up pieces to a puzzle, solve the puzzle, then build a fire to burn the rope and raise their flag.

2. Contestants are given a Church History quiz.

The jury will consist of:
-Danny Ainge
-Harry Reid
-Kathleen Burton Clarke
-Steve Young
-Marie Osmond
-Kevin Rollins
-Sherri Dew
-Jewel (Singer, allowed on the show though she has never been active)
-Orson Scott Card (My favorite author and fellow Greensboro, NC resident)
-Mitt Romney (Governor of Massachusetts)
-2 of the 4 remaining contestants who get voted off

Here is today's challenge:
Post answers to each of the three questions below:

1. Who wins the first immunity challenge and why/how?
2. Who wins the second immunity challege and why/how?
3. Who wins Survivor: LDS All-Stars and what shocking things take place that sway the votes of the jury?

Posts need to come in by Thursday 12/21 to be counted. The winner will get a special Jeff Probst-realted prize. Have fun!

The Sherwoods Shoot.....And They Score!

Monday, December 04, 2006

In the movie Hoosiers, Jimmy Chitwood goes absolutely nuts in a couple of the quick-edit sequences to condense a 32-minute high school basketball game into a seventy six second montage. Congratulations to Greg and Nicolle Sherwood for entering the zone and hitting nothing but net with their three nominations.


I still remember being a kid and watching the coach (Gene Hackman) design a play that uses Jimmy Chitwood (or "J-Chit" as he would now be called) as a decoy to free up one of his teammates to attempt the game-winning shot. All of the players stare off silently into the distance and then Jimmy says that manly line in his humble but confident tone, "I'll make it", which, of course, he does. That scene had such an impact on me as a boy that I even used it once when my little league basketball coach, Gary Norman, was designing our last second play. I looked him in the eye and said, "I'll make it", but I think my teammates rolled their eyes instead of smiled enthusiastically. Anyway, it was going to be my moment in time. I would become a legend. But, as often happens when destiny seems imminent, the ball was turned over before it even came to me. The Sherwood's other two quotes perfectly captured the essence of manly movie moments, so props to Greg and Nicolle.

Here are the other awards:

Runner-Up Award Winner: Forrest. Excellent nominations and the comment to mom about Stake Conference was a classic. Forrest could have won just as easily as the Sherwoods because he identified three truly manly moments. The Indiana Jones sequence that didn't even need words was particularly impressive. I gave the award to the Sherwoods because they nailed it with the Hoosiers reference. But should the Sherwoods have to relinquish the crown becasue of conduct unbecoming of recipients of this award, Forrest stands ready to assume the throne. So Forrest, just be patient for about three days and you'll be the new winner. Believe me, I know these Sherwoods pretty well.......

Bizarro World Award Winner: Angie. If the category were "Girliest Quotes Ever Muttered By She-Males" you definitely would have won. Unfortunately, we were looking for pretty much the polar opposite of nominations that led in with a quote on estrogen and finished with a reference to perfume. (But Ang, don't tell anybody this - I totally cried when Tom Cruise said "you..complete..me..." too! I thought I was the only one. Nice to know I have somebody with whom I can share my most intimate feelings. I will now go gargle peppermint Scope to combat the taste of vomit rising in my mouth....)

Goosebumps Award Winner: Andrea. Sure, Andrea has a decided advantage because she knows which movies I like and which quotes I use when I'm pretending that I can do more than six consecutive push-ups. "My name is Neo!" gave me goosebumps. If I could go back in time I would re-live the awkward day between being set apart as an Elder but waiting to enter the MTC. Each of those people who said, "Congratulations, Andrew!" would get a response of, "My name....is......Elder!" and then I'd fly away with my black suit coat fluttering in the wind.

The "I'm Glad I Live In North Carolina Award": Dave. I will not be surprised when one evening Katie Couric interrupts my regularly scheduled broadcast with a special report from Colorado. She will report that a group of scantily-clad, insconiderate Engineers have used robots and moon buggies to lead a bloody revolution in Denver. Good UHF reference, by the way. I actually watched bits and pieces of it two weeks ago when the college football game I was watching went to commercial. UHF was the Saturday afternoon matinee.

The "Proof that You Can Be Manly and Funny" Award: The Zents. Though not particularly manly, the "Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it" quote is classic. Jake, it's time to man up and use it on a student one day. And to answer your question, you are no longer the Presidents. A true President would not be worried about the reprecussions that could come from the principal for putting some students in their places. You've been impeached!

The "Trying Desperately to Prove Big Men Can Come in Little Packages" Award: Amy. The little guy on Princess Bride followed by a Kip quote? They are two of the non-manliest men in the world, though you did pull some good quotes from them. All you needed was some witty banter between Danny Devito, Billy Crystal, and Regis Philbin.