32 Reasons Why I'm Getting Old

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I was getting my hair cut this week and while I was looking in the mirror I said to myself, "face it, you're getting old." In honor of my 32 years on the planet, here are 32 reasons why I think I'm getting old.

1. I now feel slightly embarrassed/guilty when I get birthday cars with money in them. (Note to mom, dad, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, and anybody else who would like to send money: Please keep sending me money every Nov. 11th. I am sure that the happiness that you feel from sending it outweighs my embarrassment/guilt for receiving it, so there is a net positive effect on the karma of the universe)

2. After watching Chris Webber as a Freshman at Michigan and his 14 years in the NBA I feel like he is an old, washed up ballplayer who should just do us all a favor and retire already. He was born in 1973. I was born in 1974.

3. As a 1st year MBA student at the U. of A., a cute little blond undergrad walked right up to me, looked me in the eye, and said, "Excuse me, sir, could you please tell me what time it is?" That was six years ago.

4. I had a nasty bout with elbow bursitis two years ago.

5. We just had four of are awesome Laurels (young women age 16-18) come to our house for dinner. Some of them were born in 1991.

6. I was recently in a meeting where the attendees were me, the High Council, and the Stake Presidency. One of the High Counselors is in his forties and the rest are in their 50's - 70's. I felt right at home with them.

7. I think my hair is thinning in the front.

8. I received a nose hair trimmer as a gift a few years ago. It was not a gag gift, either.

9. I sometimes ask myself, "I wonder how many calories are in this" before I eat it. I then eat it anyway and then have to ask myself, "how slow is my metabolism again?"

10. I care about my HDL, LDL, and glucose levels at my annual Wellness screening at work.

11. I only listen to talk radio and could not name a single song in the Top-40 right now.

12. I recently had to explain to a person who Milli Vanilli were.

13. I subscribe to Business Week.

14. I take Sunday naps almost every Sunday, even if I try not to. (But don't worry, it never happens on the stand in Sacrament meeting. Duckie whispers jokes in my ear every 30-45 seconds for the entire 70-minute program.)

15. I consider myself somewhat of a tech geek. Not quite as bad as Kip on Napoleon Dynamite, but not too far behind either. When I saw the first Apple iPhone commercial I thought to myself, "That looks cool, but I bet it's pretty complicated." I almost used the words, "newfangled", "derned", and "gadget" as well. (Quick note on Kip - he sings a really sweet technology-related song in the closing credits that goes, "Yes I love technology, but not as much as you, you see.... I occasionally sing this to Andrea when we go to Target just before I wander off the the Play Station area."

16. I have a Blackberry for work but do not understand nor do I care what an "SMS Message" is. Can anybody help me here?

17. I have lived to see Strawberry Shortcake go from popular to irrelevant and then back to popular before fading back to irrelevant. It's kind of like the Nephite Pride Cycle in the Book of Mormon.

18. I have three thick, black ear hairs that get long enough to pull.

19. I have used the word "kids" to describe young adults who are either in college or on missions.

20. My parents are in their fifties and I still consider them to be young. My grandparents in their eighties have been upgraded to "Middle Aged". (Will that help the birthday money to keep coming?)

21. I was more excited to buy our minivan than any other vehicle I have ever purchased, with perhaps the exception of a Tyco Turbo Hopper that I got as a kid. The thing went about 20-30 MPH and just flew off jumps. Those were good times.

22. I just waxed wistfully poetic about my childhood in #21. A definite sign of aging.

23. Politics matter to me now.

24. When Tony and I were lazy high school kids waking up at noon and lounging around the house eating everything we could find, we really got in to the first season of "The Real World" on MTV. We were so lazy that the phone, sitting 10 feet away, would ring and we would both repeatedly yell, "No Gets! No Gets!" until the other one agreed to get the phone. One day my mom came home after a long, hard day at work to find us on the couch watching TV. She asked us what we were watching and we said, "The Real World". I don't know what had happened that day, but my mom snapped. She's usually pretty even tempered, which is why I still remember this episode today. She look at us and nearly yelled, "You think this is the real world? I'll show you the real world!" and then stormed off. Tony and I looked at each other in stunned disbelief and telepathically said, "Did that just really happen?" and then quickly got out of the house. Mom, I can tell you now after 32 years - you were right. I think I'm getting old enough now to understand what the "Real World" is. But then again, I still don't have two lazy slug teen-aged boys yet, so I may still have some learning to do.

25. America's Funniest Home Videos makes me laugh out loud more than any show on television.

26. My hair looks grayer every time I get a haircut.

27. Andrea is only 2 1/2 years younger than I am. Sometimes we see "older" couples where the husband looks about 62 with distinguished gray hair and the wife looks like a young, spry 40 year old with stylish brown hair. Instead of making jokes that involve references to cradle robbing, sugar daddies, or the woman who recently died in the Caribbean after marrying the old, rich guy and fought over his millions (see, another sign of aging. I honestly cannot remember her name right now - memory loss - and I have little interest in pop culture.)...anyway, Andrea looks at those couples and says, "That's how we are going to look in a couple of years." I can only nod my head, smile, and agree. She's probably right. Won't it be ironic if Andrea ages much faster than I do now that she's hit the big 3-0? I could rub that one in for, oh, eternity.

28. I can vividly remember my mom being 32.

29. Some of my favorite novels are historical novels, like 1776 and Manhunt.

30. My alarm clock is now 20 years old (older than the Laurels who just came to dinner) and has survived Jr. High, High School, Ricks, being dormant on my mission, BYU, and now married life.

31. I have moved 9 times since I got home from my mission in 1996.

32. Some days my back just hurts for no reason. This only used to happen when I would help families with 4,000 pounds of wheat stored in their basement move. Now it happens when I sit for longer than 18 minutes at the computer. Now please excuse me, I have to go take some Ibuprofen. My back is killing me after all of this typing on this new fangled computer gadget.


andrea said...

Hey, Oldie Mc Old Old. I'll still love you even when I have to change your diapers...in five years. :)

1:06 PM
Marianne said...

I'm so glad I checked your blog today....what a fun list of reasons...I felt like I could really relate to some of them! For what it's worth...you seem just as young and fun as when I first met you!

6:37 AM
Natalie said...

Hilarious! I especially love the part about the nose hair trimmer and the ear hairs. That really does make you feel old.

10:12 AM
Shelley said...

You are by far the oldest 32-year-old I know. And this post just proved it!!!! I still think it's hilarious that 32 is old to you. I feel like I have waited my whole young adult life to turn 30, because I felt like once I turned 30, people would finally take me seriously - not sure I feel so strongly about that anymore, but funny that 32 for you is "retirement age" and 30 for me is "coming-of-age"!

2:24 PM
Amy said...

Is needing nose hair trimmers a recent change in your life, or is it just now that someone dared to give them to you. (-:

Love the list. At the ripe old age of 22 and teaching high school, I remember feeling old when my students would tell me they were born in the 90's.

2:26 PM
dave said...

SMS = Short Message Service

SMS is known in the common tongue as "text messaging".

I guess you're not the tech geek you aspire to be. :)

4:49 PM
Ang said...

Okay, but I'm so old that when New Kids On the Block's "Hangin' Tough" recently came on the radio, Forrest and I both concurred that when THAT band was popular, we were too old for it. And this is a band so cheesy and retro that the lyrics "we're going to put you in a trance with a funky song" seemed like a good idea at the time. ("We're rrrrrruffff!")

Oh, and next year, Forrest and I will have been together for twenty years. 20 YEARS! I mean, c'mon now. We did just find some tapes from his mission that our family had made that are absolutely hilarious. Your voice had changed but Tony's hadn't quite, and you were complaning about having to go to a "dumb meeting" for your Priesthood quorum. Oh! And we taped the finale of "America's Funniest Home Videos" because we were so into it (and we were all very vocally disappointed that "Baseball Player Loses Pants" won over "Candle Spit Out"). So you've been highly invested in AMV for 17 years now. How's THAT for old!

And now, after reading this loooong post, you've aged even more.

9:30 PM
sandy said...

(it was Anna Nicole Smith - and I think she might have been older than you, so take heart)

Great list -- I'm still in denial that I just turned 30, so instead I projected your list onto Jake ("Yeah, he does that...HAHA, might have to get out that nose hair trimmer while he's taking his Sunday nap...yeah, nice white ear hair, there, buddy"). I wonder if being a bishop ages guys faster?:)

5:37 PM
Older than you said...

Andrew, you are hilarious - and a really good writer. Thanks for the great list - I'm printing it and keeping it - It's so weird to be the mother of someone who is so old and still be younger than springtime in my mind. Except I notice that when I'm like across parking lots I walk really slow and have to remind myself to pick 'em up and put 'em down at a bit of a faster pace and also that when I stand up after sitting for a long time, I moan. And I went to watch Lauren's track meet last week and Tony called me and told me she was running in 10 minutes and I hadn't left home, so I drove like mad and had to park a long way away from the track (Bingham HIgh - oh the memories of the evil Coach Sluga). After I parked I set off running to the track and I swear I ran 45 steps and was so winded I had to stop and put my head down - kinda scary. but not scary enough to do anything physical about it.

Love you Drew - you'll always be my little 2-year-old Boppy Gaco. By the way, when we were babysitting Eli this week, I put him in your old pajama pants (they're 30 years old) and took a picture. They were sagging just like they were gangsta' pants, and he looked really cute.

10:38 PM
middle-aged grandparents in Sandy said...

Re #20 -

8:21 PM