Our family recently took a little trip to Palmyra, NY for the Hill Cumorah Pageant, tour the Joseph Smith farm, and see other historical church sites. People descend from all over the nation to see the pageant. There were even a handful of people who I am fairly certain came to Cumorah from other planets because most earthlings have stopped screaming insults through megaphones and holding picket signs at religious events, but that's a separate issue. We ended up seeing license plates from 23 states that were normally affixed to the backs of large minivans, station wagons, and suburbans. It was interesting to read the slogans from each of these states as they try to build a brand image across the country. There was one state in particular that caught our interest with two different slogans that it was using because, in my opinion, were outright lies. The state in question - Ohio.
One slogan for Ohio claims that it is the, "Home of Aviation". The last time I checked the Wright brothers took off in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, not Ohio. This monumental event is permanently emblazoned on each NC license plate as we proudly proclaim that our state is the "First In Flight". Given Ohio's brazen attempt to usurp our claim to aerial supremacy, I think that NC should change its slogan to "First in Flight - Take That, Ohio!" but Governor Easley has yet to return my repeated phone calls on this matter.
We also read that Ohio considers itself the "Birthplace of a Nation". Now, I know that I only scored a 2 on my AP United States History exam in 1993 (and didn't qualify for college credit!) but I'm pretty sure that the real birth of our our nation took place in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Notice, however, that Ohio is claiming to be birthplace of "A" Nation, not birthplace of "The" nation. This is like bags of potato chips loudly and proudly proclaiming "0 Grams Transfat!" in healthy-looking green font on their packaging while the rest of the bag has 6,000 calories in it. I'm not sure which nation was born in Ohio, but I strongly suggest they change their state slogan.
Since we had a 12-hour drive home from New York, Andrea and I decided to come up with alternate slogans for several states to put on their license plates. While we came up with a few of them, I am also going to ask you to post your comments for alternate slogans for three other states - Arizona, Idaho, and South Carolina. Without further ado, here are the unfortunate states who happened to cross our minds on a long, long roadtrip when we had too much time on our hands:
Delaware: "What happens in Delaware.......probably isn't worth mentioning anyway."
Georgia: "Sure, the Devil came here. But he's gone now. We promise!"
Hawaii: "Yeah, you're jealous."
Kansas: "Whole hearted supporters of high fructose corn syrup."
Mississippi: "Would you like that deep fried, or deep-deep fried?"
Missouri: "It's no coincidence that our name sounds like 'Misery'". (The alternate-alternate for Missouri is "Proudly not exterminating Mormons since 1976").
New Hampshire: "Take that, Old Hampshire!"
New Mexico: "We are currently in a bidding war with California, Texas, and Arizona to see who gets our name since it fits them better. In 2010, say hello to Albuquerque, New Canada!"
Ohio: "Did we mention that we also invented the internet?"
Rhode Island: "What? We're not an actual island? Oh well, we've already filed form 16-B with the federal government to name our state. Hopefully nobody will notice...."
Washington: "Not the one with all the politicians, the one where guys have ponytails, use hemp, and go backpacking."
West Virginia: "If you enjoy toll roads, rusted out factories, coal mines, and mullets...welcome home!"
Wyoming: "Losing to BYU at football since 1943."
Okay readers, since most of you live out west or in NC, let's have a little fun and submit your new slogans for Arizona, Idaho, and South Carolina. Just remember that two states are already claiming to be the birthplace of aviation, so you might want to steer clear of that one.