No Wonder Local Business Names Are Lame

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

So maybe naming a business is harder than I thought, which may explain why names like "Auto Bell" and "The $2.75 Cleaners" eventually stick. While my blog only has about 30 faithful readers, I take pride in the fact that I consider all of you very insightful, witty, clever, and articulate. When I published the "What's In a Name" post and asked each of you to come up with alternate names for some of the local businesses in my neighborhood that I thought could use an upgrade, I expected a plethora of great entries.

Instead, I received a collective response of, "Hey, Andrew, we are busy, busy people here! I barely have the space left in my brain to remember how many kids I have, prepare my Sunday School lesson, and learn the names of the new contestants on "The Biggest Loser", and you want me to re-name businesses for you? Ain't happenin', bro, too hard. Now where did I put my keys.........and what do I smell burning in the kitchen?"

Okay, I'll make the contests a little easier going forward. So in response to popular demand and to relieve my mentally overworked readers, this week's contest is "The Top 5 Things That Make Me Happy!"......unless you guys think that is too hard as well. Okay, just kidding on the "happy" contest, but I will make them require less though in the future.

The only person who actually stepped up to the plate and posted an answer was the lovely Andrea, so she won in a landslide. Way to go, Andrea! (I'm just waiting for Greg to cry, "nepotism!" any minute now, even though Andrea is the only person in the field. Go ahead Greg, I dare you.) The "1% Of Your Daily Income Cleaners" was a stroke of brilliance, actually, since the owners will never have to change their signs or company letterhead. Also, imagine if Oprah dropped off a blouse to get washed. Rumor has it that she owns a house in Sedgefield, so it could happen. The Forbes 100 listed her 2007 income as $260 million, so 1% of her daily income comes to $7,123. The $2.75 Cleaners would have to wash 2,590 items to generate that much revenue with their current pricing structure. I think your on to something, until the homeless come in and start dropping off their soiled clothing and then offer to pay with a Canadian nickel.

The one consistent theme that came up in the comments is how easy it is to creep out parents if you put the wrong word in the name of a daycare. Angie mentioned a place called "The Tender Touch" and Carrie brought up the "Hands-on Children's Museum". Yikes. Very disturbing.

While I pointed out most of the somewhat silly names of businesses in the area, I also found one in town that is perhaps my all-time favorite - Vic Coffin's Karate Studio. Is there any cooler name for a sensei than Vic Coffin? The name "Coffin" sounds so tough and sinister that I've wondered if it is made up, like "Rex Kwando" from Napoleon Dynamite. Every time I drive past Vic Coffin's Karate Studio I picture Vic giving a flying roundhouse to the face of some musclebound hoodlum who was trying to steal Vic's wallet in a dark alley. As the hoodlum lays unconscious on the ground, Vic very calmly and cooly deadpans a line, a la Arnlod Schwartzanegger, like, "Somebody call a mortician, this man needs a coffin", and then slowly walks away. His website is and if you didn't think his name sounds manly enough, check out this gnarly picture of my new hero, Vic Coffin:


andrea said... Brandon's friends are learning karate from that guy. We better start doing something to toughen up our boy, honey. He'll never stand a chance against someone trained by Vic Coffin!

4:57 AM
Paul & Daneen said...

Ok so I, Daneen forgot to tell you what names I thought of. I actually have time to think about stuff like that. Or choose to.
The Daycare Place: Education Station
Cleaners: Cleaner Than 2.75
Salon: Cut 'em up
Car Wash: Suds Up!
Tuesday whatever: At Least Its Not Monday.

6:48 PM

There is actually a place called Education Station that I pass every morning on the way to school, except they spell it Ed-choo-kation Station.

7:11 AM
Sandy said...

I would seriously wonder about the validity of a place called "Ed-choo-kation Station" Sorry we let you down -- I showed Jake the post and he spent his time catching up on the last 3 posts he missed on your blog instead of coming up with witty answers for me to claim as my own. And now I really do need to go change a very horrible smelling diaper...

10:38 AM