When I was 10 years old my brother, two friends, and I started a band called the "Def Dogs". It was a lame attempt to cash in on the popularity of Def Leopard. We played tennis rackets as our instruments and made Weird Al type parody songs like "Livin' on Welfare" to the tune of Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" and "Bump" to Van Halen's "Jump". It's one thing when a bunch of pre-pubescent nerds come up with a cheesy slogans. It's quite another when large corporations/organizations do so. There are three slogans that I cannot seem to escape on a daily basis that are driving me insane. So without further ado, the top three worst slogans ever:
3. Cadillac. One night Andrea and I were watching TV when a new Cadillac commercial came on that neither of us had seen before. At the end of the spot the narrator's voice, in a somewhat seductive tone, came on and said, "When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?" We looked at each other with creeped-out looks on our faces and after several awkward moments of silence spoke the only sentence that a reasonable person could utter - "That's disturbing". I guess that Cadillac is targeting that ever-so-coveted customer segment comprised of people that after seeing those commercials would think, "Now that you mention it, I guess it has been a really, really long time since I was turned on by my car. I'm buying a Cadillac!" The whole question is just creepy and it bothers me every time I see it. In fact, I feel like I should take a shower right now for simply writing about it.
2. The Salvation Army. I had always perceived this organization as consisting of humble people who are simply motivated by their pure love of their fellow men. Knowing their efforts go to help the poor and needy is all the reward they seek. That was what I thought until this year's bell ringers set up shop outside our local grocery store. I was taken aback by the slogan next to the sign held by the person asking for my money, which read, "The Salvation Army - Doing the Most Good". The first thought that went through my mind was, "How arrogant!" With all of the good that is done by churches, schools, community organizations, other national organizations, etc., I think the whole "Doing the Most Good" is a smack in the face to the rest of us. I feel like submitting the following alternate slogans for them to use when their current one runs out of steam:
-We Could Take the United Way with One Bell Tied Behind Our Back!
-Our Left Hand Knoweth What Our Right Hand Doeth.
-Bring It On, Do-Gooders, Bring It On!
-We're Number One! We're Number One!
1. Sherwin Williams. On my daily commute to work I drive by several Sherwin Williams paint company trucks. On the side of the trucks is a picture of the planet being drenched in tons of Sherwin Williams paint spilling from an enormous paint bucket. The paint completely engulfs the world. Underneath this disturbing ecological disaster is the tagline, "Cover the Earth".
First of all, I cannot believe that in this incredibly green, eco-friendly world that we live in that Sherwin Williams continues to use a picture that is eerily reminiscent of the Exxon-Valdez disaster. The way the paint is rushing out of the can makes it look like in a complete accident the world has been suddenly covered in paint. Can you imagine how badly this picture will come to haunt the company when one of their plants in India accidentally dumps tons of red paint into the Ganges? Just wait, in an attempt to show the company's concern for the environment they are going to change the color from red to green next month.
If the picture isn't bad enough, the phrase, "Cover the Earth" sounds more like a military campaign or some sort of destructive conquest than a mission statement. I can just envision the Board of Directors plotting their strategies for world domination as they sit in a smoky war room hunched over a large, flat picture of the earth reminiscent of an oversized Risk board. I am honestly afraid that in the year 2053 that Sherwin Williams' CEO will also be the supreme ruler of the world.
I guess I had better start buying Sherwin Williams stock right now to show my loyalty to the future world superpower long before its violent rise to power. It is trading at $62.83 right now. Seems like a small price to pay in order to avoid a lifetime of servitude under the repressive SWP regime, don't you think?