20/20 Vision Of The Year 2020

Sunday, January 27, 2008

I have always wanted to be able to predict the future. This desire most likely began in the 1980's when my boyhood crush on Lea Thompson led me to compulsively watch the "Back to the Future" trilogy. In "Back to the Future II", the evil Biff takes a sports almanac into the past and uses it to successfully gamble on games until he has amassed a fortune. I have always wanted to have something like that almanac that could let me know what is going to happen tomorrow......and also give a 14-year old Utah boy the key to Lea Thompson's heart....but that's beside the point.

While I can't tell the future, I am fortunate to have two co-workers who can. Unfortunately, their prognosticative powers only permit them to foresee changes in the weather. One woman swears that she can predict rainstorms because her left hip will begin to ache six hours before the first raindrop splashes down. The other woman claims that her teeth begin to hurt before a major shift in the humidity. Their future telling abilities are useless, however, because in North Carolina the local weather is on TV 24-hours a day. (In all seriousness, the day that Saddam Hussein was captured in Iraq, the lead story on the local news channel was the "Severe Weather Emergency", which probably meant that it was 72-degrees and cloudy, instead of partly cloudy as originally forecast).

I am a little bit jealous of my two co-workers with the magical body parts while I sit here with my good-for-nothin' bag of bones. Why can't I have an enchanted spleen that will give me a heads up before the Panthers are going to go 6-10 in the regular season? Can't my fibula begin to pull it's weight by tingling when I drive by the Harris Teeter and Bryer's ice cream is on a 2-for-1 sale?

Yesterday was my brother Tony's birthday (happy birthday, T-Bone), and for his birthday present I gave him one birthday wish. I got lazy and forgot to send him his wish in the mail so I ended up using it myself. I used the wish to look into the year 2020 and see what life will be like. Unless any of you have a magical coccyx that let's you see into the future, this should be pretty eye-opening for you:

Sports in the Year 2020:
*Major League Baseball institutes a stringent drug testing program in 2011. Domingo Ramos leads the majors the following season with an astounding 26 home runs, which are 7 more than the second place slugger, 63 year-old Julio Franco.
*A total of 24 kids with the last names "Kemp" and "Henry" are selected in the NBA and NFL drafts between 2013-2019.
*The WNBA is contracted down to four teams that play games in local elementary school gymnasiums, yet the league continues to have a $3.4 billion TV deal with ESPN.
*The NFL institutes a rule which allows referees to throw a penalty flag before every punt and kickoff for illegal block in the back since it is called on every return anyway.

Politics in the Year 2020:
***SPOILER ALERT FOR THE 2008 ELECTIONS***After winning the 2008 Presidential election and serving for two terms, President Mitt Romney is harshly criticized by Democrats for the "global cooling" effect that takes place during the last year of his tenure as global temperatures fall 0.3 degrees in 2015.
*In 2012 Congress passes the "No Child Left Unfulfilled" bill that fosters "empowerment, self-actualization, and a healthy self-image" to all students, regardless of grades or accomplishments. Unfortunately, by 2020 only 3% of US students are accepted into college as enrollment of Chinese and Indian students swells. Congress is pleased to report, however, that our unsuccessful youth, "have a healthy self-image and feel empowered, despite the challenges of an unfair global market."
*Ethanol and vegetable oil grow in popularity as an alternatives to fossil fuels. Environmentalists who can no longer complain about our irresponsible use of mother nature now complain about the crops that are being grown to go into our gas tanks instead of being used to feed the world. (They had to have something to do, after all, as it gets really boring living in their mothers' basements with nothing to gripe about).
*Due to the amount of vegetable oil being used as fuel, the state of California smells like an enormous vat of McDonalds french fries. The state's new slogan of, "California - the yummiest-smelling state in the nation!" causes a huge influx of people moving to California. To the state's complete surprise, some of the new residents are actually legal.

Other Stuff in 2020

*They Might Be Giants makes a huge comeback to become to most popular band in the world. Their strategy of releasing cool alternative music in the early 1990's and then recording children's songs in the 2000's wins them fans of all ages. (If you've never heard, "Birdhouse" or "Go Go Go Go for G!", you haven't lived).
*We finally get hover cars in the year 2016.

Since I have seen the future (and just bought a ton of stock in Sherwin Williams - they really do take over the world as I had earlier feared), I think it would be interesting to get your take on what the future would look like. Please comment with what you predict will happen by the year 2020 and I will award the person's whose guess is closest to what actually happens with the coveted Nostradamus award.

I would also like to know if any of you have any future-telling body parts, so please pass those along in your comments as well.


Shelley said...

In the year 2020, Social Security will be completely bankrupt and Walmart will begin paying their greeters $0.50/hr (down from $2.15/hr) because of all the "retirees" available to fill the position. Hey, you don't want $0.50/hr? Well, there's 500 people in line behind you who do, so step aside!

Oh, and my left eyelid twitches right before Michael says or does something idiotic. HA!

11:16 AM
Ang said...

Here's what I HOPE, not what I really believe:

-They will invent a weight loss pill. And not one that makes you skinny and then kills you.

-We'll finally figure out what the heck is going on with "Lost."

-Somebody will win the million dollars on Deal or No Deal.

-I'm still all about the hover cars. It's gotta happen, right?

-Brittney Spears two boys will have become solid, respectable teenagers. Sean Preston will be on the chess team, maybe, and Jaden James will be the president of his Junior High's Key Club. And they'll both sing in the choir.

-I will not be a Grandma yet :-)

8:46 PM
Megan said...

I have magical ankles that foretell rain by clicking and aching. Maybe Whit's arm will end up with some powers too?! I'll get back to you on the predictions. T-minus 29 minutes to pre-Lost coverage. :)

7:31 PM
Mom said...

Hi Andrew - You don't know it yet, but your TENS machine is infusing your spine with supernatural powers. One day when you least expect it, you will travel back in time, only to discover that the part of Lea Thompson was being played by Andrea Gerber!

6:56 AM
Sandy said...

I'll have to think about my predictions, but I gotta say...They Might Be Giants AKA "The Happy Monster Bad" is Josh's favorite music right now. If you've never heard a 2 year old boy sing along to "Even Monsters Cry Sometimes", you haven't lived.

5:42 PM

And the Nostradamus Award Winner goes to - Shelley! Nice job. I don't want to take away from your victory, but you kind of won by default since you were the only one to make a true prediction.

And Megan, you may want to avoid living in Seattle with the enchanted/possessed ankle thing you have going on.


9:15 PM