The Price of a Boy's Soul? $1

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Satan owns the Dollar Tree. I'm convinced of it. If you don't believe me, just read the company's mission statement that I've copied from Dollar Tree's website. You can click to enlarge and make it easier to read.

(One of the lesser-known aspects of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act to oversee corporate governance is that companies must fully disclose if their majority shareholder is Satan.....or George Soros.)

As if it's not hard enough to grow up as a well-adjusted boy or young man in today's confusing, temptation-filled world, Lucifer has an additional arrow in his quiver. Through his ownership of the Dollar Tree outlets he has cleverly released a plague on the rising generation - "A Surprise For A Boy" bags. It is actually a very devious marketing ploy. In short, they take 4-6 toys for boys, shove them into a "Surprise" bag, staple the bag closed, and let boys wonder with anticipation which toys are in there. Kids get several toys for the price of one, so why not roll the dice? Adults understand that every toy that is sold at the Dollar Tree is hanging from the racks because of one or all of the following reasons:

1) Wal-Mart placed an order for 2.6 billion cheap, Chinese-made toys and managed to only sell 1.4 billion of them. They threw the remaining 1.2 billion leftovers in a giant dumpster in a dark alley behind its corporate headquarters. Under cover of moonlight, agents from Dollar Tree, Dollar General, All-a-Dollar, and every fast food restaurant that gives toys in its kid's meal silently emerged from the shadows, raided the dumpster, and then melted away back into the blackness with this year's inventory in haul.

2) The slave laborer in the Malaysian plant making the toy misspelled a few words on the item. Instead of writing, "Beautiful Princess Make-Up Kit" it came out "Bxtfliu Pranklss Mffl3 K+t". One time I saw one that read, "My name is Musa bin-Osman. I have been held at gunpoint for nine years and ordered to make 4,000 Princess kits per day. If I fall below my daily quota, I will be tortured and killed. When I surpass my my quota, I am mercifully only tortured. Please send the authorities to 195 Monjamar Aven........ooohhh...aaahhhhh....ugggggg............"

3) The toy is already broken. If it is not already broken, it has been programed to spontaneously burst into flames during the car ride back home from the Dollar Tree.

About two months ago I was out and about with the kids and decided to make an impromptu stop at Dollar Tree and "spoil" them with one item each. Whitney purchased a defective Cinderella doll that looked like it had been painted by a chimp with cataracts and uncontrollable hand tremors. Brandon picked up "A Surprise for a Boy" bag. When we got home and displayed the contents across the floor, I had to re-read the packaging to make sure that it was not called, "A Surprise for a Future Triple Homicide Convict". It contained:

1. A "Death Ninja" complete with every type of slashing blade and blunt object imaginable.
2. A knife that looks fit only to be used to hold up a Citgo at 3:49 a.m.
3. A deck of face cards, just in case my six-year-old son goes to his weekly poker game and they run out of Aviators.
4. A small container that looks like play-dough but I'm pretty sure it's actually plastic explosive that could be used for blowing up the vault after robbing the local Wachovia.
5. Bubbles. (They may seem harmless, but I think it's to strengthen his exhaling muscles for when he takes up smoking.)

After confiscating most of the "toys" in his bag, I decided it would be wise to pat Brandon down just in case the bag had corrupted him and he was packing heat. While there were no guns, I did find a homemade prison-style shank in his sock. I immediately sent him to his room, but he escaped after burrowing a tunnel through his wall that led to the root cellar. He had concealed the gaping hole in the wall with a Pokemon poster. Once we located him and brought him back home, life went back to normal. That was until Thursday night when we went back to a different Dollar Tree in Asheboro and Brandon decided to get another "A Surprise for a Boy" bag. I thought Satan may only assemble the bags at the Greensboro store, so I let him buy it. This bag was even worse than the first one, if you can believe that. One by one Brandon removed the contents until the following items had been revealed:

Pictured Below:
1. A 12-gallon garbage bag.
2. The 9, 10, Jack, and Queen of clubs.
3. Several Styrofoam dinosaurs.
4. A punctured, deflated green ball.
5. A yellow getaway car.

Not Pictured:
6. One pair of men's shoelaces.
7. A fruit roll-up.
8. An unmarked juice bottle of some kind (I smelled it just to make sure it wasn't alcohol before he drank it.)

I only wish that I was making this up, but sadly it's true. Fortunately Brandon laughed the whole thing off. The look on his face was priceless though when he reached his hand into the bag, pulled it out, and with a befuddled expression said, "It's......a.....garbage......bag." Let this be a post be a warning to parents of little boys everywhere - don't be caught off guard if you buy a surprise bag and it contains a bloody glove, ice pick, Al-Quaeda training video, candy cigarettes, and a legion of evil spirits. Next time you are at Dollar Tree, avoid the surprise bags altogether. Instead go to the book aisle and buy a copy of Bible Stories because your son may need it in a few years. Just don't get upset if most of the book of Ruth is misspelled. It's being sold for a buck for a reason.


andrea said...

I lost track of the number of belly laughs this post gave me. You are HILL--AIR--EE--US. Thanks for brightening my morning.

5:53 AM
Ang said...

Okay, Drew, this one is hilarious. You're the blog master.

6:31 PM
Anonymous said...

Mr Andrew Sweat,
My name is Luther Mini Van Dross and I am a lawyer for the firm of Refiner, Dross and Dross. As fate would have it our offices represent "The Dollar Store", "All a Dollar", George Soros, Satan, a host of Malaysian toll manufacturers, "Citgo", "Death Ninja brand Death Ninjas", and "Wal-Mart". As you can imagine, we have several points that we would like to contest and request that you schedule a meeting with us for the first week in March.
On a positive note, we also represent the bubble industry and they couldn't be more pleased.

6:45 PM
Anonymous said...

You have a root cellar?

8:03 PM

Dear Luther Mini Van Dross,

I can understand your desire to hold our conversation in early March. I'm sure that you and your minions are very busy mid-March during NCAA Tourney as you tempt people to participate in illegal gambling pools and then curse when their Elite Eight team gets bounced in the first round.

However, my legal representation has counseled that unless you subpoena Normal Mormon Husbands, Inc., we have nothing to discuss. We at NMH stand behind our outrageous, unfounded claims about your clients.

Cordially Yours,


9:15 PM
Natalie said...

This is hilarious. I totally fell for the surprise in a bag gemic when I was young too. The girl bags were way better I must say.

6:10 AM
Anonymous said...

Sounds like the garbage bag is an appropriate "storage" container for the rest of the great surprises for the boy.

7:12 AM
The Wiz said...

Holy cow, this is a funny blog. The Dollar Store is evil. I've only been there once, and have yet to recover.

9:48 AM
Sandy said...

Oh my gosh,this is hilarious! I think the "Surprise for Boys" bags should be renamed "Tools for Little Criminals". Doesn't it say right on boxes of garbage bags: "this is not a toy. Keep out of reach of children"...??

I'm still laughing...need to have Jake look at this one:)

12:27 PM
Lucy said...

I have been to the dollar stores. Sometimes I think I should go there with a passport because you really do enter China-land...i.e. China Junque Land.

Very funny.

4:17 PM
Seth said...

One boy's garbage bag is another boy's "Johnny Space Commander" play mask!

5:07 PM
L said...

Um... funniest blog ever! I just saw these the other day at the Dollar Tree and guess what? Most of them were already ripped open. Maybe you could suggest this to your kids while they are sleeping. We wouldn't want them to be dishonest or anything. It would save you time and money and them the dissapointment of getting stupid toys. Mmmm I think it's a good idea.

9:50 PM
michael said...

Andrew, you are officially the Dave Barry of the blogosphere! I had groups of concerned people outside my office wondering how it is possible for someone to laugh so loud and for so long at the workplace.

6:50 AM
FluffyChicky said...

I concur...the dollar stores are of the devil.

9:31 PM
saranicole said...

Okay, I just about died laughing. You're hilarious!

9:04 PM
the AZ Allreds said...

I need a laugh at the end of the day, and now I know where to get it. Thank you for letting your talent of humor and writing lighten our moods.

7:49 PM
realmom said...

Just thought I'd let you know in case you hadn't figured it out - your blog has been invaded by a bunch of homeschooling LDS moms. Somehow found your way into one of "our" threads and now you're getting lots of laughs from outside your cirlce of 30. Your mom is right, you could write for SNL. I especially liked your discussion on $tree, being vertically handicapped, and pregnancy brain....

Hope you don't mind the invasion.

12:44 PM