The Cold, Hard Truth About Edward From Twilight

Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Twilight post has generated enough discussion that a follow-up is definitely in order. Over the past few days I have learned a great deal about why so many women have fallen head over heels for Edward from Twilight. (Just to clarify, I'm referring to head over heels in love, not in the literal "Clumsy Bella just fell down again" sort of way). I have also learned that a significant number of the female readership of this blog have unhealthy, semi-disturbing attractions to every male Lost character not named Hurley. Since so many of you are Lost fans, most of you will get the following reference.

When Charlie is locked in the hatch of the flooding underwater communication station, he learns that the rescue boat they are trying to contact does not belong to Desmond's girlfriend, Penny. As the hatch fills with water and he knows that he is going to drown, Charlie writes a warning message to Desmond on the palm of his hand. In dramatic fashion, Charlie presses his hand against the window so that Desmond can read the warning from the other side. Charlie has simply written, "Not Penny's Boat".

Ladies, I hate to do this to you, but you need to know something that is critically important:



(I thought the frowny emoticon was necessary or else many of you would have wrongfully concluded that Edward was fooling you in a good way, such as by humbly concealing additional desirable qualities that will be revealed in future books.)

I will explain in detail why you need to be warned about Edward in just a moment. But before doing so, it is important to discuss what it is about Edward that women find so attractive. One very astute NMH blog reader left the following insightful comment that helped to shed a lot of light on the subject:

"Excellent blog, but you missed one very important point--you ignored what it is about Edward that actually makes us swoon. Please stay with me here. When you consider Edward's perfections, I suspect that you think we're all ga-ga over his beautiful looks, mega-strength, speed, and infinite wealth. I concede these are compelling qualities, but every comic book has heroes that meet that measure, and I have no interest in any of them. What makes Edward different? (Here's where you and all the other intimidated husbands can take heart.) We love Edward, because: 1) When he takes Bella to a restaurant, he doesn't look at any other woman (not even the hot server who's flirting with him.) 2) He speaks with a soft, low voice; occasionally, he growls. (Why I like that, I have no idea.) 3) He actually WANTS to know what she's thinking. 4) He cares that her seat belt is on. (I know . . . I'm a disgrace to my feminist academic heritage.) 5) He plays with her hair. Am I right, girls?? So, the good news is: theoretically, Edward's greatest moments can be replicated by mere mortal men. (Or maybe that's bad news; we kind of expect it.)"

Right now I'm shaking my head in sorrow for you women who have been duped by Bella's flawed perception of Edward. He is not perfect. In fact, he is actually a con artist who happened to find a really gullible girlfriend. (Uh-oh, wait, knowing that Edward is a con man might make all of you Sawyer fans out there even more attracted to him.) You must remember that the Twilight stories are told from Bella's first-person perspective and what you read is not reality, only her perception of reality. As I began reading Twilight, I quickly realized Edward had simply mastered the art of deception and Bella (and many of you female readers) fell for some of the oldest tricks in the book. Allow me to take the five points from the comment mentioned above (What Women Believe) and explain how you have been deceived (The Cold, Hard Truth - an obvious ode to Edward's physical makeup).

What Women Believe: "When Edward takes Bella to a restaurant, he doesn't look at any other woman (not even the hot server who's flirting with him.)
The Cold, Hard Truth: All guys, including Edward, love food. I mean, really, really love food. Edward has seemingly managed to convince Bella that he has no reason or desire to eat, but it's a sham. I am pretty sure that he keeps a supply of Tater Tots in his fanny pack (as most of us now do after seeing Napoleon Dynamite) and snaps into a Slim Jim every time Bella loses consciousness from some freak accident. While Bella was overjoyed that Edward paid no attention to the flirtatious waitress, the only reason he never acknowledged her was due to the fact that he was completely lost in thought about the Denny's breakfast slam he had ordered. When a man is thinking about eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage, and pancakes at the same time, there is no available brain capacity to think about anything else, even a flirtatious waitress.

What Women Believe: He speaks with a soft, low voice; occasionally, he growls.
The Cold, Hard Truth: As a man who lives in Washington, Edward is a huge Seattle Seahawks fan. While he was watching the Seahawks lose to the Rams, he did what most guys do when their team is stinking it up - he yelled at his television for three straight hours. The next day, he had to speak in a soft, low voice because he had damaged his vocal cords berating Shawn Alexander for hitting the line of scrimmage like a pansy. The occasional growl is also easily explainable. Edward plays fantasy sports and very deftly checks box scores on his Black Berry under the table to see how his players are doing. When he sees that Tayshawn Prince scored 6 points on 3-12 shooting and committed four turnovers, a soft growl is the only appropriate response.

What Women Believe: He actually WANTS to know what she's thinking.
The Cold, Hard Truth: While Bella is pouring out her deepest emotions, Edward is actually thinking about funny Simpsons episodes from his Season Six DVD.

What Women Believe: He cares that her seat belt is on.
The Cold, Hard Truth: Edward was indeed generally concerned that Bella wore her seatbelt. This emotion was not faked. However, most women do not understand why he cared so much. The main reason is because drivers in Washington can be ticketed if passengers in their vehicles are not wearing their seat belts. Edward already has two moving violations on his record for speeding and a third citation will result in traffic school and the loss of his insurance. Edward would prefer to avoid having to spend his Saturday afternoons at "Dangerous Dave's Driving Academy" and putting up with the hassle of signing up with Geico.

What Women Believe: He plays with her hair.
The Cold, Hard Truth: Oldest trick in the book. Most guys know that playing with the hair is much easier than rubbing the feet of your wife or girlfriend, but it scores just as many points.

One last Edward quality that I know many women dig is his incredible ability to play the piano. When he performed Bella's song for her, Edward must have melted the hearts of millions of female readers. While Edward may be a good pianist, you women need to remember that it is only one instrument and he has had 100 years to practice. Having a husband or boyfriend who has mastered all three Rock Band instruments (guitar, drums, and microphone) in six months is much more impressive.

Hopefully this sets the record straight and you now see that Edward is just as flawed as the rest of us guys out there. Ladies, you can look all you want and will never find perfection in a man. In the February 2008 Ensign there is a great article called, "Dating and the Eternal Perspective" which perfectly sums up my thoughts, "You will likely not find [a] perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. How wise is the [person] who does not expect perfection, but looks for potential." So in the meantime, ladies, just be happy with your man who happens to take it personally when his NFL team loses, loves his pancakes, and wants you to be proud of him when he passes "Next to You" on Rock Band. Afterall, he is thinking of you while he plays it.

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93 comments

andrea said...

Thanks for the glimpse into your NMH brain. It's great to know that MEN do the same thing women do--try to rationalize the good traits in others when intimidated by them. This posted reminded me of the way we women look at models in magazines and think, "She is SOOO airbrushed." or "If I had the money/desire for plastic surgery, I could look like that, too!"

Maybe men and women are more alike than I realized.

4:51 AM
Heather O. said...

Jack is hopelessly flawed. And yet, still hot. I bet Edward doesn't look half as good with 3 day stubble.

5:09 AM
Megan said...

Nicely done Andrew. Andi must be so proud!

6:30 PM
Sandy said...

I'm not sure what is cracking me up more...your post or your wife's response to it. I have to say that I'm more inclined to side with Andi,though. Since Twilight was written by a woman...she probably wrote "perfect" Edward as a way to get her husband to do more around the house ("Fine. You don't want to be the perfect husband? I'll make up someone who will.")

12:03 PM
Lisa said...

I love that you seemed to have actually read the books! We are Edward lovers in my house, but my hubby is not even close to reading it ( or wanting to).
You are very clever...

8:02 PM
Natalie said...

This post was cleverly written. If HR stuff falls through, you should be a writer! I love the mastering all intruments on rock band in 6 months comment.

6:18 AM
Seth R. said...

What bugged me about Edward was that he exhibits a lot of the typical behavior types for the abusive boyfriend.

7:40 AM
Kimberly said...

You are so hilarious
my husband will love this post
I am a Sayeed person by the way, my light brown, curly haired, white, medium build husband could looks just like him, only needs tanner skin, taller, black longer hair and 20 more lbs of muscle, other than that they're quite comparable! hahahha He thinks this is so funny, thanks for your humorous posts, they're great

8:58 PM
colleeeen said...

i have a semi-disturbing attraction to Hurley.

just wanted to get out the love.

1:56 PM

Andrea & Sandy - Thank you for helping me to realize that I am intimidated by Edward because I am so keenly aware of my own flaws, hence my attacks on his character. This revelation convinced me to work for 2 1/2 hours tonight with Andrea to install our new bed when I would have preferred to wait until Saturday. When I could see how badly Andrea wanted the new bed installed, I only thought, "What would Edward do....", and then immediately started assembling.

And Coleeeen - major props for going out on a limb with Hurley! Nothing like being attracted to a cursed mental patient who could die of a coronary at any moment. If you have a boyfriend or husband, you've got to tell us about him.

-NMH

9:00 PM
susanstayner said...

Great writing, many laughs, but why the coffee in the breakfast picture?????

9:48 PM

Rats! I got called out about the coffee in the Denny's breakfast picture! I was afraid that this was going to happen.

(Going into professional PR Mode): We at NHM do not condone the drinking of coffee. The beverage in question is actually a very flat caffeine-free diet Coke. Additionally, no person was harmed in the taking of this photo. (The person who ate the breakfast, however, died halfway through the hash browns).

-NMH

9:59 PM
colleeeen said...

OK, true confession time - i haven't watched any Lost since like halfway through Season One. i have no idea what's been goin' on with Hurley - i did see the "cursed" episode, but not much after that. i just wanted to give some love to the non-hunk, in solidarity with all of us non-magazine-cover type folk out there. hooray for Hurley!

the irony is: i think my husband is pretty darned handsome.

12:24 AM
Anonymous said...

Google Images must love Andrew. Every blog seems to have some randomly selected web image, enhanced in some comical way by Photoshop.

6:34 AM
andrea said...

NMH--

Thanks for being so Edward-like and setting up the bed. I may have to come up with more opportunities for you to prove your Edwardness.... Hmmmm.... Do you want to go to Seattle to take me shopping this weekend?

NMW

12:18 PM
Megan B said...

Loved your response to my mom's coffee comment. As you can see, I did not get away with much when I was younger. Thanks for the laughs!

3:38 PM
go boo boo said...

I like Jacob best anyway.

12:07 PM
Sara said...

Wow--whoever made that comment about the things we REALLY love about Edward was SPOT ON! Especially 2, 3, and 5. :)

As for your "come backs"... haha... Well, first of all, if CHARLIE caught Edward driving Bella around without her seatbelt on, he'd do more than fine Edward! But moving violations??? *dies laughing*

As for the piano thing? I have to COMPLETELY agree with you. "Having a husband ... who has mastered all three Rock Band instruments (guitar, drums, and microphone) in six months is much more impressive." Rock on! What do you think about having a wife who can play Guitar Hero III both right- and left-handed? *nods* It's true. I am practically Jimmy Hendrix! :)

1:08 PM
lainakay said...

You've got the key now...wwed?(what would edward do?) Just ask yourself this in all romantic situations and voila!

Thanks for the chuckles, I'll definitely be sending my husband your way so that he can see he's not the only one suffering the Twilight complex!

1:18 PM
Becky said...

Edward Shmedward.
Can you say co-dependancy!!!
Bella's a bit of a loser and all these books teach is to lie to your parents and it's okay to sleep together if all you do is kiss!!!
But, I confess, I've read them all!! I just hate that my 12 year old daughter has read them too!!

10:13 AM
Cathi said...

Very cute, us Twi-hards know that you made that stuff up about Edward. Just 'cuz you've got your MBA doesn't mean you can smart your way past the Twilight MOMs! :)(Denny's,**snort**, Edward would never eat at Denny's!) Of course your intimidated by Edward, we all are. But, WWED is a great idea!! I'm gonna tell the hubby to do that! You're hilarious, keep it up!

11:25 PM

I hate to say it, but the food thing doesn't work because Edward, and all vampires, hate real food....your explanations are hilarious though. Your blog is hilarious and I'm sure there are plenty of guys that read it and don't have the guts to leave a comment. :P

8:48 AM
MoJo said...

Someone mentioned a CHARLIE upthread, which immediately brought to mind the plethora of '80s Deseret Book YA bilge.

So now I'm curious how some amalgamation of Jack Weyland's Charly and/or Sam (they're interchangeable, right?) with Twilight would manifest.

3:23 PM
Beth said...

You failed to mention the main reason WHY Edward is Jerk Face #1: He is very controlling. He always has to know where Bella is going, when she'll be back. He freaks out if she's gone five minutes without calling him. He disapproves of her friendship with Jacob. It's always about what HE thinks is best. This is not a healthy relationship. I think Bella likes it, though, because as a child who never had a strong parental authority figure she's finding herself taken care of for the first time in her life. And Edward is clearly taking advantage of that fact. Sure, she likes it now, but will she once she gets all her blood sucked out her neck?

You can tell I've thought about this a lot. Am I the only one who has noticed?

7:30 AM
Beth said...

I just wanted to add that lots of men excuse their controlling/ abusive behavior by saying it is done out of "Love." Sure, Edward "Loves" Bella, but does that make it ok for him to be Mr. Control Freak?

7:35 AM
Anonymous said...

ummm...not entirely realistic in the Twilight world sense, but very entertaining!

5:08 PM
Bella S said...

Sounds like a ceartain mormon dude is jealous of a ceartain vampire...

ps;Edward if you're reading this, I still LOVE you!!!!!!!!!!

5:36 PM
Lauren said...

I personally am having a few problems with this article. Shall we start with Lost first?
I love Hurley, although not in a romantic way, but in a want-to-jump-through-the-screen and give-him-a-hug-when-he's-dissappionted way. Which is still love.
(And however overly-dramatic the palm to the window with Charlie thing was, it still made me cry.)
Now onto the "Edward fooling women" thing. Although it made me laugh, I find problems with it.
Sure, maybe men now-a-days are football fanatics and food lovers, but I think you may have forgotten that Edward was raised in the early 1900's. He was actually raised with manners that most people now lack.
He's also not obsessed with food, due to the whole "vampire's suck blood" thing. Just saying.

5:50 PM
Being JustBlue said...

While I am not a Lost fan and have never watched a complete episode, I can't confirm or negate your comparisons with Edward and the guys from Lost - but this was however an entertaining read. I know some people compare Edward's "controlling" behavior to that of an abusive husband or boyfriend - having lived in a house with an abusive stepfather, I completely disagree. Unlike abusive men, Edward doesnt criticize Bella or say things to make her feel inadequate or incompetent. In fact, he does the very opposite - constantly declaring his love for her and his commitment to making her happy. Edward's behavior is totally "swoon-worthy".

6:13 PM
Anonymous said...

I loved this article. sooo funny. thanks :)

6:43 PM
ilovejacobblack said...

This is why I love Jacob. Not that the whole con-artist thing isn't way hot(I adore Sawyer, by the way, especially when he's being all nice at the end of the third season), but Jacob is just nice and doesn't have to bother pretending to be perfect.

7:16 PM
Carrie said...

Absolutely hilarious! Thank you for that.

I think girls go ga-ga over Edward because he is (seemingly) the epitome of the perfect guy; he's really just a pretty shell of a person! Vapid, is what he is.

7:47 PM
Anonymous said...

Yeah Um, okay - see this is WHY most girls GO for the Edward Cullen's - Edward, about whom you are VERY mistaken, is SINCERE. Edward (unlike MOST of the more recent and unfortunate males) grew up in the early 1900's when CHIVALRY (this is a good word to know - DICTIONARY)was rather MORE active than now a days. So, where you're comparing someone who is 107 years old to regular Joe who's 16+ years, you've making a LOT of mistakes. Just trying to point out some FLAWS in your particular argument. So what do I have to say??? Your argument was fundamentally flawed and there is a frightening lack of insight into the characters which you THINK that you know. Again I say, CHIVALRY - know it, learn it, practice it.

7:52 PM
Anonymous said...

By the way - Edward doesn't really EAT human food, and if he DID it wouldn't be at Denny's - TRUST me, unlike most males, he has CLASS - another word for you to learn and know

7:53 PM
Muffy said...

mwahahahaha. You're diabolical! That was highly entertaining - and I'm especially enjoying the reactions of some of the diehard TeamEdwdward Twilighters. I'm an Edward lover myself, but I think its healthy to be able to read things like this and see it for the good laugh that it is.

I'd also like to respond to the Ewdard-bashers. Yes - we know that he is a control freak and that Bella probably likes it because she's used to doing all the worrying. Speaking as someone who has also had to be an adult much earlier than normal, I know that I would love having a boyfriend who looked out for me like Edward does. Even if that kind of relationship isn't totally healthy.

And as for Jacob - no he's not a con man. He's a conman WANNABE. I'd rather the real thing, myself... :P

8:17 PM
Anonymous said...

I want to say, that I don't agree with you at all. The reason why I think that Edward is the way he is, Is because of the Era that he grew up in, that is how men in the 19th century where. And He is mythical. The thing about Edward that makes him so wanted, to me, is he is untouchable. That is what makes this a great story. It is real imagination pressed against a never touched story of her physical and emotional attachment that you feel throughout the story. But in the end, you have to realize that part of the story is true about what a girl may long for. Every girl wishes for the Edward portrayed, because no girl wakes up in the morning and says to herself, "I want to find a man that will treat me badly and be abusive." Edward is what a girl wants, a protector, lover, best friend, companion through life, someone to be there, and superhuman. And that is what makes Edward, my superhuman Edward.

8:53 PM
Aleinad said...
This comment has been removed by the author. 9:10 PM
Anonymous said...

well i loved your post it was absolutely hilarious now i see why men doubt the may abilities of edward, because they really know what going on!! great post and i hope to hear fron you guys in the future!

10:04 PM
Anonymous said...

I don't think this is funny at all. I know men don't really LOVE women, so we have to read a fictional story and fantasize about it. But don't make fun of a man's inability to genuinely care about a woman. I'm so sad now.

10:40 PM
Anonymous said...

First things first: your post was hilarious. I am a self-confessed Edward-lover, though i couldn't help but laugh so hard and be amused.

Though with the positive feedback, I feel like I still need to point out a few misconceptions here and correct them. I understand if you don't want to acknowledge/believe these as collectively it is my personal opinion (then again, i believe it is mostly the Edward defenders' too).

1. I find the accusation of Edward as a con-artist rather funny, though you must take into consideration that Edward is different from modern men. Edward, obviously unlike the men today, was born and raised in the early 1900s when chivalry and respect were essential. How he managed to be what he was when he was human, I do find quite far-fetched - but we are talking about the character itself here, not the reality.

2. Edward has interests DIFFERENT from most men nowadays. Technically, not everyone has the same interests. Not all men take interest in football and be a huge fan at the same time. Trust me.

3. We women do understand that three instruments are better than one, but the fact that Edward plays the piano majestically and even creates his own complex composition make us swoon more.

4. Now that you had mentioned it, Edward is not real. He is fiction. Which probably sets him and his qualities apart from real men's. So, there is no use in comparing his traits to you men of the real world. (:

I suggest you read the first chapter of Midnight Sun (as it is the only Chapter legally accessible to the public) in Stephenie Meyer's official website. here is the direct link anyway: http://stepheniemeyer.com/midnightsun.html
Midnight Sun is Twilight in Edward's point of view, and reading it will probably give you an idea on Edward's take on things. (:

3:43 AM
Anonymous said...

read midnight sun.... i realize that there is semi limited info in the chapter form edwards point of view but it is helpful.
also, i think we all know that us girls will never find our edwards- its just nice to read a good fantasy story... FANTASY.
i realize that there was a lot of generalization about how guys act in reality but i know its not true with every guy- i know i have a kinda sheltered life style where i live but no boy has ever been as much of a slob as you made edward in this post.

6:10 AM
m!ZsC!3nCe said...

Haha, this was very entertaining to read. Thank you for the insight into the mind of the vampire we all wished we had ^.^ [And thank you Twilight Lexicon for sharing!]

6:37 AM
Anonymous said...

Here we are. The Mormon husband is jelous of a fictional character. All i'm saying is that the only reason that the wives love edward so much, (Ive heard it a million times posted online) is because Edward reminds them of Edward, yet in a younger version.

But yet, you could still use this to your advantage. now you know better your wives... "Type" you can go and be the better man, compete with that intimidating fictional character, and win!

7:53 AM
pinky said...

Your so funny, I loved reading this! I think we have to remember that Edward is not real and this is a story people.

8:26 AM
Traversegirl said...

I appreciate your humor in trying to make Edward look bad. It just won't happen. You have to always remember that Edward is fictional and created by a woman, so he will definitely live up to the expectations of the women that read it. And it is possible for husband's to be like Edward. My husband and I live in Seattle, WA and my husband is not a seahawks fan or any other team for that matter, so your thoughts on that don't totally apply. :)

I guess we will just find out if you are right when "Midnight Sun" is published. This is the whole "Twilight" book from Edward's point of view.

11:10 AM
Traversegirl said...

One other thing, now that I have read some of the comments that people are leaving about your post. Wow. Stop getting so huffy people, this is just a fun post, take it for what it is, entertainment, laugh a little, I bet Edward would if he read it!

I do want to respond to some posts that state Edward is controlling/abusive. I don't see it that way. You have to think of this completely from his point of view. Bella is a klutz, Edward has saved her life on more then one occasion and Jacob is way more then just a friend and Edward knows that his intension is to steal Bella from him. Why would he want his girlfriend hanging out with him? .. actually he does allow her to do it regardless what he thinks, because he knows Bella wants to see Jacob. Oh and did I mention that in all three books Bella is being hunted by vampires that want to kill her, so stop thinking that Edward is being over protective, what would you do if your loved one was being "hunted"? and hit on by her best friend. I think he handles it pretty well, I'd lock bella up in a basement to protect her, but that wouldn't make for much of a book.

11:40 AM
Becca said...

YES! FINALLY SOMEONE WHO AGREES WITH ME!!

Although the reasons are kind of funny, some of them work. I always hated Edward, and I could never figure out why. That's 'cause he was faking the whole time! :)

12:49 PM
cary said...

well I am proud to say that I am married to the living proof that an edward does exist. So no matter what measures you take to try and prove that men are how they are and there is now help for them I will never be persuaded. I do not attempt to pretend my husband is without flaw however the imperfections I believe are what would make a fictional character such as The fictional edward could always stay up with the kids and I could get plenty of sleep and there wouldnt be any raids of the kitchen to clean up after, no hair to cut and no debates about it trying to convince him I will wait till we have boys to practice on and him saying it will save us money (I hate cutting hair!) And no toe nails to vacuum up -I dont know maybe vampires nails do grow? and plenty other perks about the fictional edward that I dont think could really leave the fictional world. but as far as chivalry and respecting women I dont think that strictly has to apply to the 1900's. Mothers can still teach their boys how to be respectfull and some boys actually still listen to them- Luckily I got one of them. Yes, Stephanie meyer has raised the bar for men and teenage girls and women everywhere are on the look out for their own personal edward. You KNow I am remeinded of the lds commercial
of two men talking about a coworker at a work party and making fun of how their co-worker holds his wifes hand and gets the door and chair for her and then they wonder at how a man like their co-worker ever married so well at whet she saw in him or something like that? I did enjoy your comments! they were quite funny :) not convincing but funny! thats what you were going for right?

12:50 PM
Tiger Lily said...

Trying to provoke twilighters? hahah I love it! Guys do obsess over food and he was probably as guilty as the next man, though I don't think he wasn't thinking about Denny's (not even when accompanied by flat caffine free coke, as compeling as that sounds). The chow, er...um Bella, was right there in front of him. Yummy!

3:38 PM
Anonymous said...

he doesnt eat food and yes it is in bella's perspective but there is dialog of edward i think this post is sad and hurt full to all the edward lovers.

4:14 PM
Megan said...

Wow, NMH. 50 comments on one post. Is that a record? And, was this you that said this, or the NMW? "And lastly, the Normal Mormon Husband has pointed our attention to a previous entry about Twilight." How often do you frequent the Lexicon?

4:31 PM
Anonymous said...

This was funny. Way wrong, because none of it made any sense, but it was still pretty entertaining.

5:08 PM
MaximumCapacity said...

Oh, no, no, NO! If you REALLY did your homework, you would know VAMPIRES HAVE TO REGURGITATE ALL FOOD THEY EAT!! So really, he'd be thinking about the delicious blood burgers he has at home XD

It's kind of sad - I really shouldn't know that. :)

Hahaha. You know that Twilight Lexicon posted a link here, right? :D

Funny.

5:54 PM
Anonymous said...

THANK YOU!! not only that, but he is a CHARACTER in a BOOK!!! And we women shpould not fall in love with fictional characters!!

7:37 AM
Anonymous said...

This made me laugh, but I am still hoplessly in love with Edward. :)

Very good try, though it was all looked at from a human prospective, not a vampire. (i.e Edward thought about bacon and eggs, instead of blood) ;)

8:26 AM
Anonymous said...

HAHAHA, your post is not convincing though. Not convincing enough.
Anyway hard work for cracking your head writing these trying to explain alot of it. Credits for you? HAha

12:14 AM
Mean Mommy said...

Well done, sir.

I'll have to point out your blog to my husband.

3:40 PM
Mean Mommy said...

On another subject...I wonder if I know you. I also did the BYU Business BS track, probably about the same time. And I moved to Tucson after graduation. Spooky.

3:45 PM
Emily said...

Normal Mormon Husband-
Sayeed's name is actually spelled Sayid.
http://abc.go.com/primetime/lost/index?pn=bios#t=character&d=39847

5:17 PM
Anonymous said...

well i'm not a lost fan either. and besides, Edward doesn't eat food remember!? he's a vampire.

5:03 AM
Anonymous said...

A little advice: become a con artist yourself. One up the rest of the NMHs and keep it up after the wedding. If you'll do this, I promise you that you can Fear No Edwards!! :)

12:46 PM
Anonymous said...

I am just as Edward/ twilight obsesed as the next spaz but anyone who can't read this and laugh at the sarcastic anti-Edward humor needs to chill out! It's not a serious argument... it's a really funny attempt (like something Mike would say to Bella to try to get her to dump Edward).

9:22 PM
Anonymous said...

I don't get it. If you aren't being sarcastic, then you're totally wrong.

2:45 PM
Claire said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! My husband and I just about peed our pants laughing. I love your take on Edward. I think he's fooling everyone too.

11:18 PM
Lizz said...

see its this reason that girls swoon over edward.. he doesn't over annalize things like most men do and he doesn't try to make himself seem better than any other fictional character.=)

6:59 AM
Lizz said...

see its this reason that girls swoon over edward.. he doesn't over annalize things like most men do and he doesn't try to make himself seem better than any other fictional character.=)

6:59 AM
Abby O. said...

OME! That was hilarious! I still love Edward! Hahahahaha...

12:21 PM
Anonymous said...

fine. but now your forgetting some major details. EDWARD CANT EAT!!!!!!!! HE IS A VAMPIRE!!!!! Food holds no intrest to him. so why on earth would he be staring at BELLAS FOOD. he didnt order anything, exept for a coke that bella drank! yeah, he may be a fan of the seattle seahwaks, but your forgetting, he stays with bella all night!!! and besides, his voice couldnt strain or wereout or watever. HE TALKS SOFT AND LOW ON PURPOSE! He really does care wat she is thinking! why do you think he gets so frustrated that he cant!?! And now, Edwards just like that. he cares for bellas saftey!! so, there for he makes her were a seat belt. He plays with her hair, yeah, you may be right about the points thing or watever but if you have read the whole book you will remember that when in the meadow, he tries to strenghthen himself by being closer to her. so, since he played with her hair AFTER, he was just use to being som close to her. SO THERE!!!!!!!!! you were so wrong!!!!!!!! HE IS PERFECT!! (for a vampire) ♥yay♥

4:10 PM
Anonymous said...

Loved the post! Someone else has probably pointed this out, but the part where Edward doesn't look at the hot waitress because he is thinking about food? Well, I think you have it right, because it occurred to me as I read that Bella IS the food!! Of course he wouldn't pay attention to some hot waitress!

3:26 PM
Kelpie said...

I must say this made me laugh. I have never liked Twilight, but ALL my friends are obsessed and won't listen to me when I tell them that he's really a 100 year old overprotective creeper. Now I have the perfect arguments to win them over with. I'm glad someone knows what he's doing.

3:40 PM
twilight_fan said...

Great post, so funny!
I just finished Breaking Dawn and it moved me to make a forum - www.thebloodsuckers.com would love to get some of your twilight thoughts in the forum

9:36 AM
Newbee said...

I can't help myself. I just have to give you another reason that women love Edward. (And yes men love food...Bella is Edwards food. Just the reason to pay attention to only her)

Women love the idea of having a man desire every aspect of her. That's the appeal... He notices everything. Most men do not... He wants to know her thoughts, what makes her tick, how her mind works, he feels a desire to protect her from everything. These are all things women desire from men... besides "other things" of course.

10:59 PM
Anonymous said...

Of course, we all know Edward is a fictional character. He caught my attention because of his "quiet confidence" and from times to times "unselfishness", apart from his apparent good-look. The two first characteristics are severely lacking in today's men - and women - which has made the Edward draw much more powerful. It's solely a resort.

8:15 AM
Anonymous said...

Whoever wrote this article is either a cynic when it comes to love or was the guy that wrote on FMLife that his girlfriend dumped him because he wasn't like Edward Cullen. Either or, so what if girls like him? So what if he's the idyllic man of today? Every year, there is a different ideal man. Right now, it's Edward Cullen.

Women know deep down inside that they don't truly love Edward Cullen. They love his character. As men, you shouldn't be bashing on him or women that go "ga-ga" over him. You should be realizing what women want. This is the first time women all over the world are voicing out what they want. If you were a smart man, you'd take notes on Edward Cullen Mannerism 101.

11:03 AM
Anonymous said...

Wow, this is funny! I don't think I could agree with you though. Edward has waited a century for [the] girl he never thought existed. Once he found her I don't think he would be wasting his time. Edward was born in a time when you married as soon as you became a man, as you might know. Hes ready to have a life with Bella. All of this could be true, but its not. Im sure if men now-a-days haven't gotten "some" for a century they wouldn't care with who. Am I right? Well, Edward HAS been waiting for a century whether it was for Bella or not. Edward is NOT like most people (vampires in his case, but you catch my drift) I am not a Edward lover, but I don't agree with this at all. There could be one guy out there where they would pay attention to you, and not on his breakfast. It may be hard to find, but speak for yourself.

12:01 PM
Anonymous said...

Bravo, This is hilarious! I'm a Twilight fan and I see no need for defensiveness here. I like the way one person pointed out that Edward/Twilight is FANTASY. That's why we enjoy it so much. And I don't want my husband to be Edward any more than I want him to be Romeo or Mr. Darcy or a UNICORN! (Except maybe to kiss my neck more often...) I like men the way they are. I like Edward a lot, but hey, if he had a few more "Manly" qualities, all the better!

12:13 PM
Isa said...

Edward DOES fool us all... I got really suspicious of him when he broke his mother's bed and designer pillows...

12:22 PM
Forgotten1 said...

The reality is this - Women love Edward because the WANT to love Edward.
They can imagine that he does everything the way they would want him to do them. It doesn't really work in real life though - I have tried.... You can read about the experiments at ForgottenHusbands.com.

1:18 PM
NaughtyLola said...

Very Funny! I like Twilight and I like Edward but he isn't real so who cares...You all don't have to worry that he will be offended if you laugh and enjoy the post!!!

1:19 PM
Anonymous said...

When I read first started reading, I was honestly think that something valid could be pointed out. I am very disappointed! Is this the best you can do? You came up with the lamest reasons. None of this applies, have you even read the books? Do you have any idea what women find interesting?

1:41 PM
Liz said...

This is why I swoon over Edward, he doesn't sleep and can move incredibly fast...do you have any idea how much housework he could get done while I slept?

4:18 PM
Anonymous said...

You guys are forgetting that Edward actually does feel the way Bella portrays him in the novel. My proof is Midnight Sun, Twilight from EDWARD's perspective. Also, men, bear in mind that women do not expect to find a real-life Edward, he is merely a fantasy we would love to be a part of.

4:32 PM
marissa said...

Your views on Edward are alot like many of the husbands of the world. You dislike him beacuse we are "head over heels" for him but they are many reasons why. I myself see him as the perfect man (although i know thereis no such thing) not beacuse of the supernatural powers but because of the way he loves Bella. Here is my theory on why women exspecially MARRIED women love him. I belive that many women (including myself) read romantic books and watch romantic movies to make up for the romance and passion lost at home. Not say that my husband or anyone else husband is not romanitc just not as romantic as they once were and we grew accustom to. Many men are Edwards when they first meet the love of their lives. They do little things that make them stand so we fall in love also (flowers, notes,playing in the hair etc etc). No i dont agree men do this just for a chance in the bedroom. Although after you get the ring on our finger you simply stop trying as hard because you have us. Not that men stop trying altogether. I know work and family plays a big part in the matter but sometimes we need the extra romance to take us back the young men we feel in love with. My husband to also dislike Edward but he understands why i see him as the perfect husband. He too read the books and ask me abut why thought that and found new ways (and old ways) to woo me and romance me like he did five years ago. sometimes men need reminders so do we women. So if your wife is addicted to the character then you ahould ask yourself what in missing in the romance department instead of blaming a book.

4:50 PM
Anonymous said...

I love your take on Edward, but this is what I think:
My take on your take on Edward:
Point 1: HE WAS STARING AT BELLA!!! pshaw...plus, he can't eat. human food actually disgusts him. And it's not only HIM, it's ALL vampires!
Point 2: He moves around a LOT, because he has to. And if he wanted to care about any sport junk like that march madness or whatever, he could just ask Alice about it.
Point 3: Simpsons is SO over-rated when you're over a hundreds years old.
Point 4: There are a LOT of reasons why to care, like, that he loves her...I'm sure boring humans have the capability to love, no offense, but Twilight kinda ruined my life when it comes to guys.
Point 5: lol...or because he thinks it's pretty?
Point 6: aka, piano stuff...Rock band is easier than learning a real instrument, that it harder than a kazoo, and we love that he WRITES music, and especially that he wrote a song especially for Bella. It's beautiful and sweet.
one last thing...if you want Edwards point of view of Twilight, part of it is on Steph's site, so I've read HIS POV too!
I still loved reading it, it's hilarious, but I am obsessed with watching out for the Twilight characters cuz they're awesome and junk

5:07 PM
Catherine said...

Haha!! But this is partly true. His character is written by a woman, so, what he says probably is not what a guy would say. His perspective in Midnight Sun is also written by a woman, so it can't possibly be accurate.
On the other hand he was born and raised in 1901-1918. It was a different time, and he probably grew up being told to be polite and curteous to women. I'm not saying he's perfect, but when you take his old-fashioned etiquette, and compare it to that of a 17-year-old-boy in the present day, he would probably seem pretty close to perfect. But what do I know, I'm only 14!! haha =]

6:44 PM
Catherine said...

Oh, and by the way, I'm a bigger Jasper Hale fan than Edward Cullen, if I dare say...

6:47 PM
Anonymous said...

man....i dont no..
i actually cant believe this
i just cant!!!!!!
it is not sinking in
but ya.....midnight sun tells us how edward is from th inside
WHO CARES IT IS WRITTEN BY A WOMAN
IT WAS STILL WRITTEN
THT IS ALLL THT MATTERS
U REALLY CANT SAY ANYTHING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE THT EDWAR IS NOT REAL...HE IS AS REAL AS WE ALL R
JUST....DOESNT WANNA COEM OUT AN DSHOW HIMSELF....U NEVA NO...HE MIGHT BE RITE BEHIND U!!!!!
i no he if fictional but ....*weep weep*

7:19 PM
Anonymous said...

Nice! This explains why everyone loves Edward so much... I don't like him much myself, being Team Jacob and all that.

11:17 PM
Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness! That is too funny! Hahahahahahaha! Excellent.

2:16 AM
-.- said...

I just came across your blog, this is hilarious! I'm sending this to my husband, who is incredibly jealous of a fictional character... ok, so I'm infatuated with him too, and constantly remind him of the tricks Edward plays on Bella hahah

6:44 AM
Braden said...

That was a very funny--and at the same time quite perceptive post. I'm a bishop and I have to say I'm a tad bit worried about the way some of the married women in my ward are obsessed with Edward. I am equally worried when their husbands look at a swimsuit calendar.

10:04 AM
Anonymous said...

Psst! Guys! Edward didn't write anything for the piano! He merely plaigarized A River Runs Through You!

For Edward, though, he really needs a leetle more depth than a cardboard cutout. Hell, the whole series could use a total re-write.

6:58 PM
The King said...

I have an idea! Sure he may not eat at Denny's, or eat "human food", but he's still looking at food! He totally wants to eat her. I mean, wasn't that the reason he came to her anyway?

8:05 PM