The Twilight Series for Dummies (And Totally Desperate Mormon Guys)

Friday, February 22, 2008

I used to roll my eyes when I would hear women lament about how hard it is to be female in today's world in which feminine "beauty" is generally measured by dress sizes, inches on the waist, and letters of the alphabet. I have heard 1,968 women say, "How can you grow up as a girl who plays with Barbie dolls and then develop a healthy self-image once puberty begins? If Barbie were a real-life woman, she would be 5'11, weigh 128 pounds, have a 16-inch waist, and don't even get me started on her...(edited for content)." Another favorite complaint from one of my female friends in the early 1990's was, "Why is Cindy Crawford's facial mole considered a 'beauty mark' but people tell me that my mole makes me look like a witch?" The correct answer was technically because Cindy Crawford did not have several 1 1/2 inch-long hairs sprouting to life from her mole, but sometimes it's just better to say, "Yeah, that's soooo totally unfair. Wanna watch Saved By The Bell?"

I could never empathize with the "It's Impossible to be Barbie" complex. After all, I grew up as a kid playing with He-Man action figures. If He-Man were a real person, his pecks would be so powerful that they could legally be given Super Delegate status by the Democratic party. Assuming, of course, that He-Man were a registered Democrat. (Those of us who faithfully watched the show know that He-Man has to be Republican. At the end of every episode He-Man would present a short "moral lesson" in which he used a portion of the episode to illustrate right choices from wrong. As a person who believes in absolute morality, He-Man would be ineligible to join the Dems. But I'm pretty sure Man-at-Arms was a Democrat, Battlecat was an Independent, and Orko a Communist, so the show was pretty balanced.)

While I grew into a fully-functioning adult male with a healthy self-image despite my boyhood He-Man obsession, I have recently become more sympathetic to the women of the world who know that they will never look like Tyra Banks. This added measure of sensitivity has been thrust upon me by one person:

Stpehenie Meyer.

For men who are unfamiliar with Stephenie Meyer, she is a 34-year old BYU graduate, active Mormon, and stay-at-home mom. A few years back she decided on a whim to write a book about teen-aged vampires called Twilight and it rocketed to the top of the NY Times Best Seller list. New Moon and Eclipse soon followed and they were both best sellers as well. As to her personal fame, Stephenie Meyer recently knocked out Orson Scott Card in the third round of an Ultimate Fighting Championship event to become the undisputed most famous living Mormon author in the world. (The most famous dead LDS author is obviously C.S. Lewis, who had to have been a member since he is quoted in General Conference more often than all of the New Testament apostles combined.)

I like Stephenie Meyer for a lot of reasons. It is wonderful to see somebody who is about my age and a BYU graduate make it big. Her books are worth reading and she keeps the language and content clean. She also allows every husband in the church hold out the hope that one day he'll come home from a horrendous 10-hour day at CompUSA and be greeted by his ecstatic wife who says, "You're not going to believe this, but Creating Keepsakes wants to buy my scrapbook template pages for $1.8 millon!" While most of the Twilight phenomenon is undoubtedly positive, we as men have an obligation to begrudge Stephanie Meyer for two reasons:

1. Edward.
2. Jacob.

Or, as I like to call them, Jerk Face #1 and Jerk Face #2. If you have not read the books, Edward is Bella's deep, intense, passionate boyfriend. Jacob is the funny, charismatic, forgiving friend who would do anything to make Bella his. They both possess magical powers that are far superior to any of the tie tricks that LDS guys learned on our missions (except for blowing on our tie to make it wilt like a flower, that's classic!) In other words, both Edward and Jacob are much, much more interesting than any of the husbands or boyfriends of the women who read the Twilight books.

LDS men should feel as much contempt toward the two main characters of the Twilight series as a woman recovering from her fourth c-section in seven years feels toward Barbie. Approximately 97% of all Mormon women between the ages of 16 and 42 have read Sister Meyer's books and I'm guessing that 92% of them wish their husbands/boyfriends were more like Edward or Jacob in some way. The other 8% have a crush on either Jack, Sayeed, or Sawyer from Lost. If you happen to be dating a young woman and she reveals that she has a crush on either Sawyer or Sayeed, your in pretty good shape. It is highly unlikely that she will ever meet a surly con artist or a former Iraqi Republican Guard torture expert, let alone be swept off of her feet by them. But if your significant other has the hots for Jack, be very, very afraid. There are a lot of divorced, desperate 30-something doctors out there trolling outside of Bath and Body Works looking for vulnerable women whose husband/boyfriend just did something incredibly rude, such as forgetting that today marked the 1,000th day since your first date.

Since most women would like their men to adopt at least a few of the Edward/Jacob qualities, I'll lend a hand to my male readers who have not yet read the books but would like to make it sound like they have. If you ever find yourself in any of the situations below and your wife/girlfriend is a Twilight fan, the following quotes will be pure gold:


-If she thinks that you drive too recklessly: "Honey, please trust me as much as Bella trusted Edward when he had to break all known traffic laws to get her out of Forks and away from Victoria. If he can drive Bella's pickup truck that recklessly, then I should be able to steer with my knees while texting with my right hand and using my left hand to hold my Slurpee."

-If she ever says on a very warm day, "I feel so hot right now" you should respond with, "My body always feels hot to the touch....kind of like Jacob's." You can then raise your eyebrows like Magnum P.I., flex your pecks, and put your arm around her.

-If she ever says on a very cold day, "I feel so cold right now" you should respond with, "My body always feels cold to the touch....kind of like Edward's." You can then raise your eyebrows like Magnum P.I., flex your pecks, and put your arm around her.

If she says that you have a fear of commitment, tell her, "I just can't rush into a relationship right now. My heart's been broken before and I would like for our relationship to take the next step, but I often feel like Edward did when he left Bella for Italy. His heart was with her, but the timing wasn't right at the moment." Note: This will buy you approximately 3 1/2 months. You will then either have to put a ring on her finger or change your name to Miguel Sanchez and live in Panama for a year while things die down.

If she wants a relationship but you just want to be friends, just say, "I am so glad that we both agree that we can have a fulfilling, close relationship like Bella and Jacob enjoy."

If you really want her to back off and stop bothering you, tell her, "I'm really a creepy, soul-less recluse who thirsts for human blood. I have killed before and have to restrain myself on a daily basis from killing again. I'm not talking about in a heroic, romantic Edward-like way. I'm talking in a really deranged Jeffrey Dahmer way." Note: You will never, ever, EVER see her again at this point, so only bust it out when absolutely necessary.

If you are on a date and there is an awkward lull in the conversation, get a pensive look on your face and say, "I was reading on that the next Twilight book is going to be told from Edward's point of view. I can't wait to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation for the emotional trial it must have been for him to be away from Bella for so long during New Moon." Note: If you say this, your female companion will get down on her knee and propose to you on the spot. Only use this line if you are seriously considering taking this young lady to the temple one day.

If she is insecure about her looks and repeatedly asks you if she is pretty
, stroke her hair and gently say, "Sweetheart, you always look a Bella sort of way." Note: If you've never read the books and try this line, please post a comment with how this one works out for you and how long it takes for the bruising to heal.

Once you are married, write the following in your next wedding anniversary card, "I am eternally grateful to know that we can be together forever. I am even more grateful that I did not have to sink my vampire teeth into your neck and suck out all of your blood to make it happen." Believe me, she'll dig that one.

Just Added (see comments): After numbing your lips by sucking on a Popsicle, ask her, "Have you ever wondered what it feels like to kiss Edward?" Note: She will be utterly helpless when you close your eyes and lean toward her.

Well, guys, there you have it. Be sure to check the comments to see which of the quotes will score the most points with your wife or girlfriend. In the meantime, do everything possible to act like an undead vampire and/or a teenage werewolf while keeping the love of your life away from Jack from Lost. And women think they have it hard trying to live up to the Barbie standard? If they only knew how hard it is to be a man!

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Sandy said...

I am impressed on a variety of levels: 1.) That you actually read the books; 2.) That you remembered what you read and 3.) That you know what Creating Keepsakes is.

I am personally of the "Jacob" camp, rather than Edward...Mostly because I am already married to a 6'7" beefy guy named Jacob who would be much more likely to be a werewolf than a vampire. And who wants to kiss a popsicle? Not me.

Anyway - I liked your last quote the best - the one about being together forever without having to suck anyone's blood. Do you think that would work as a missionary line? "We would like to tell you about a wonderful plan for your family to be together forever...and you DON'T even have to suck their blood! Would you like to hear more?"

8:12 AM
Heather O. said...

I'm im love with Jack.

11:03 AM
andrea said...

I think my favorite line is one you didn't even post. When I was in middle of reading these books and my Edward-crush was at its peak, you said, "Do you want me to go suck on some ice so it feels like you're kissing a vampire?"

Now there's a husband who doesn't have a jealous bone in his body.

And thanks for finding a way to include a pic of my other dream-crush, Jack.

12:48 PM
Ang said...
This comment has been removed by the author. 4:07 PM

I may not be very good at Math, but my ASU/UNCG education tells me that 92% + 5% does not equal 100% You are leaving us hanging for the other 3%. If the 3% does not watch Lost or read the blood sucking books, then they must fall into the third group. The Church video group. These are the poeple who think that the only thing that can be watched on TV are the church videos. I would have to say that the 3 guys that they are in love with are:
1. The Ballon(bassoon player) from "The Phone Call" who later starred as Jimmy from Superman
2. The return missionary from "Labour of Love"
3. David Walker from Legacy

4:41 PM
Ang said...

I've only read the first book, so I don't know enough to comment on Jacob, but Edward's never really rung my bell. But neither does Jack, really. Yes, yes, I know--Mormon women everywhere gasping in horror.

But I do love Sawyer. Why must Kate being so MEAN to him, especially when he's looking all vulnerable in those taped-together glasses????!?!? And Sayeed too. Seeing him in the episode before last, all cleaned up and suave (well, before he killed the girl, anyway) made me realize how attractive an Iraqi torturer can be, even without the island scruff.

This is another great post, though, bro of mine. Major blogging props.

5:15 PM


My BYU/U. of Arizona education tells me that when spelling the word "people" the "e" comes before the "o". It also tells me that you only add a "u" to the word "Labor" if you are from the United Kingdom and have major dental problems. Despite the erratic spelling, your theory on the Church video group is pretty compelling. I think you could also add Feki from "The Other Side of Heaven" to the list.


6:59 PM
me said...
This comment has been removed by the author. 7:34 PM
Kathryn Soper said...

Anthony, you're my new favorite guy blogger.

I have no interest in any of the Twilight guys. Give me a dirty, sweaty Jack.

7:36 PM
Ang said...

Hey, Drew, I'll tell Kathy (she's a friend of mine) that it's really you, not that blasted little brother of yours who keeps stealing your thunder. AnDREW! AnDREW! :-)

8:00 PM

Other side of Heaven was Hollywood produced, but your South Pacific reference made me remember the top choice of many a female. Johnny Lingo.

8:03 PM

How could I forget Johnny Lingo? I'm sure he won a ton of hearts by offering more cows for Mahana than was necessary. I wonder if he overspent on everything in his life? Was he an excessively large tipper? Did he buy a Segue when they came out? Does he only drink bottled water?

If so, this endearing quality that showed how much he loved Mahana could make it really, really hard to be married to the guy. I wonder if some days Mahana looks at their $89k credit card debts and thinks to herself, "I should have seen this coming...."

9:56 PM
Kathryn Soper said...

Doh! Anthony, you're not my favorite guy blogger, but you are my favorite book-cover painter.


Waitaminutewaitaminutewaitaminute. Anthony, Andrew, Angela. Oh, MAN. Your parents had MORMON ALLITERATION DISEASE!

6:04 AM
Ang said...

Yes, Kathy, and my sister's name was Amy. It's true. Luckily we didn't have 10 kids in the family or they might have resorted to Amulek.

6:09 AM
carrie said...

this has to be one of the funniest blogs i've ever read. your creativity is awe inspiring. my favorite trick might be the ice kiss....hmmm....

7:01 AM
Natalie said...

This post was very funny. I will let David know that he can sleep easy at night knowing that the chances of Sawyer sweeping me off of my feet are slim. I haven't read these books, but I still found the quotes hilarious.

7:27 AM
Erika said...

As a Twilight fan, I'd have to say that all those quotes are pretty awesome. I told my husband to stick with the together forever one.

Very funny blog. :)

9:10 AM
Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but this is easily the most hilarious blog I've ever read! I'll be checking back for more laughs...

10:09 AM
Shelley said...! And your readership has increased to people you don't even know. It's because every 13-49 year old girl out there is constantly googling Twilight to see if they can get their Edward fix from perhaps one more site.
But shame on you Andrew. You mentioned fangs and sucking blood - and as a reader you should know that neither is true of Meyer's vampires. Just a lethal bite is all it takes.
And my vote for most romantic, Twilight-inspired quote:
"I want to love you like Carlisle loves Esme".
Now that's gold, Jerry! Gold!

10:17 AM
Denny & Joe said...

Andrew, your blog is reaching dizzying heights of popularity. Your posts are so funny, and I can't believe you know so much about the Twilight series. I read all three books...wasn't so impressed with the writing, but the story's pretty interesting. I'm a Jacob gal myself and was always disturbed by Edward being so cold all the time. What fun is that? Anyway, love your blog!

6:46 PM
Emily said...

I'm a friend of Amy's and your blog is hilarious!! First of all, I am thoroughly impressed that you read these books. Second, as Edward's #1 fan, I would definately fall for the kissing the popsicle move.

9:47 PM
Pappy Yokum said...

Just caught your blog for the first time and it won't be the last. Very good indeed. I'll have to try that "being together forever without sucking any blood" line on my wife.

And how could you forget Johnny Lingo? Oh, I'm sooo embarrassed!

Rock on!

11:39 AM
Anonymous said...

Forrest here. Don't have much to add as I've never read a word of the vampire books. Must be a carryover from my childhood; couldn't play with face cards either.

I was thinking though that the cold lips trick could be even more impactful if one was to keep a handful of ice cubes in some type of insulated container next to his side of the bed and then, after a sly and secret lip cooling move right after the alarm clock went off, give a quick and confusing good morning peck on the cheek to one's spouse. Then when noticing an alarmed look sneaking across your wife's face throwing an " oh-no I've let the cat out of the bag" look across your own face. Could make for a much more interesting Tuesday morning.

Also, if legally you own all the content on your blog, then I would grab Kathy's quote from below, "Give me a dirty, sweaty Jack!" and make some type of t-shirt or bumper sticker move with it. Can't believe the Lost people haven't run with it themselves.


4:32 PM
Hunter said...

I'm not sure what I enjoyed more about this post: the witty writing from Normal Mormon Husband, or the realization that oh-my-gosh I'm not the only husband out here with a wife who has a serious Edward-crush.
For any husband out there whose wife hasn't yet read Ms. Meyers, beware! If and when she does read one these blasted books, you may find yourself inexplicably suffering from serious feelings of inadequacy. NMH hit the nail on the head . . .
It is so pathetic that I actually got Twilight this past week in an effort to try and *learn* how to be more romantic . . . like Edward, of course. (shaking his head and sighing)

9:21 PM
Papa D said...

Great blog.

Just one question: If this is a blog for all the Mormon husbands whose wives are into blogging, why do the women outnumber the men so heavily? Never mind; stupid question; this is a thread about vampires.

Again, great blog.

9:39 PM
Megan said...

I like the "If you want her to back off" one. However, I've known a few desperate BYU co-eds who would still hang on for dear life even after such a conversation.

Thanks for the morning giggle y'all! :)

9:05 AM
lydia said...

My mother-in-law forwarded this on to me...may explain your sudden increase in popularity.

My husband and I had many an out loud laugh at this post. Most likely it's because I am reading the series for the second time right now and said out loud the other day, "Wow, I didn't expect to fall in love with Edward all over again."

He's been working on glittering lately to get my attention...I'll let you know when his skin sparkles like a million facets of diamonds.

12:26 PM
Anonymous said...

Hey Normal Mormon Husband,

Excellent blog, but you missed one very important point--you ignored what it is about Edward that actually makes us swoon. Please stay with me here.

When you consider Edward's perfections, I suspect that you think we're all ga-ga over his beautiful looks, mega-strength, speed, and infinite wealth. I concede these are compelling qualities, but every comic book has heroes that meet that measure, and I have no interest in any of them.

What makes Edward different? (Here's where you and all the other intimidated husbands can take heart.)
We love Edward, because:
* When he takes Bella to a restaurant, he doesn't look at any other woman (not even the hot server who's flirting with him.)
* He speaks with a soft, low voice; occasionally, he growls. (Why I like that, I have no idea.)
* He actually WANTS to know what she's thinking.
* He cares that her seat belt is on. (I know . . . I'm a disgrace to my feminist academic heritage.)
* He plays with her hair.
* He won't jeopardize her safety just so he can have sex with her, even though he rrreally wants it.

Am I right, girls?? So, the good news is: theoretically, Edward's greatest moments can be replicated by mere mortal men. (Or maybe that's bad news; we kind of expect it.)

As for your question: I think I favor the pop-sickle trick.

12:42 PM
Anonymous said...

If necessary, I will growl.

1:44 PM
Mom said...

Silly! It isn't the idea of cold lips that are making women swoon. You need to read more carefully to find the real moves . . . And thanks for the tip about Jack. Never seen Lost, but I'm about to!

4:07 PM
Julie said...

I like the post about Edward's romantic qualities by Anonymous above... but I had a good LOL over your post, and you have gained a reader. Do you think my husband would try the popsicle trick if I asked him really, really nicely?

4:32 PM
lololover said...

Don't forget:

"You are exactly my brand of heroine"

10:40 AM
Anonymous said...

well I heard about this blog through the grape vine... but I had to read it because I'm in love with my own Edward. my boyfriend always joked about being a vampire before Meyer's books came out. so when I started reading them i always pictured my boyfriend as Edward. and was never a fan of Jacob. so my boyfriend was never really jealous of the fictional characters. (he is however very jealous of Will Smith and can't watch his movies anymore)

and I must say i agree with lololover my favorite line is "you are exactly my brand of heroine"


P.S. to all you guys out there one of the most romantic things about Edward is how chivalrous he is, so if you want to win her heart be a little old fashioned sometimes.
and girls need to remember that Edward had almost 100 years to become so courteous, and your boyfriend/husband hasn't had that much time so cut him some slack if he's not perfect yet.

6:16 PM
Jennie said...

again... found your blog through a friend of a friend!

love edward and jacob! having a hard time choosing!

thanks for a great blog!

9:03 AM
Lisa said...

This is the funniest BLOG ever! I can't stop LOL!! Keep it coming!

7:47 PM
Jennifer said...

So funny. I am going to send this to all of my friends and tell them to have their husbands read it. Great tips for all husbands everywhere who are suffering thanks to Stephenie.

11:11 AM
Colleen said...

Awesome post. Another new reader. No pressure.

11:32 AM
Vampani said...

I am a happily married woman, 10 yrs now, my husband has read the books also. He understands my Edward problem as he calls it. he also understands my dislike of Jacob so none of the Jacob comments will do anything for me.

The one he needs to use is the driving comment, sometimes he scares me to death. so if he were to try that one it would make me all soft and relaxed. I would be daydreaming and he could then drive as crazy as he wants to.

One of the things i love about Edward is how much he wants to take care of Belle. Men now a days have heard all of this Females are just as tough as men for there whole lives. Us women put on a good front and are very strong and i hate to say this, but we really can do everything for our selves and dont need your help, but most of us want it! I love knowing that my husband is worried about me and that he wants to take care of me and treat me like a Princess. Every woman needs to feel special. with all of the crap that a wife/mother/bussiness woman as to deal with everyday, having a man that loves you and woships you and you are his eason for being, without you he would rather die, it makes it all worth while and in return we will love and worship you the same!

1:08 PM
Anonymous said...

Let's look at this series from a totally different perspective.

You men should be GRATEFUL to Stefanie Meyers for forcing us women to think about physical intimacy for days on end (weeks, if we've read the series back to back) - something that just comes naturally to you 24/7. Because let's face it, all these books are is one long drawn out romantic story full of sexual tension. (I'm not complaining, mind you) If you are a married man, hopefully you've reaped the benefits.

9:36 AM
Mia said...

The other 3% are not the mormon girls who are madly in love with skinny boys who play the bassoon. They are girls like me who find stories of blood sucking boys completely idiotic. If I remember correctly the books were overly sensual and erotic and may be the only way some people get off. The other 3% are girls like me who have dashingly gorgeous boyfriends who are volunteer firefighters and would kick Jack, Sawyer, and Sayeed's butt any day. The other 3% are the girls who live in reality and don't need a stupid book about fantasy "creatures" to get them through the next lonely weekend. We are the girls who understand that there is a fine line between day dreaming and coveting a make believe person.

1:39 PM
Hawkefam said...

Kissing a popsicle is definitely the best one!

8:55 PM

Gentlemen, the ladies have spoken loud and clear - BUY A LOT OF POPSICLES! It may pretty lame for us seeing how our lips will be completely numb and we won't be able to feel the kiss, but the internal satisfaction of making her happy will definitely outweigh the dead lip nerves.

It also looks like my math of 97% of LDS women having a crush on Edward, Jacob, or Lost guys is right on as well. There have been 30 comments from females and only 1 (Mia) has pulled the "I love my man and my man only and have no need for Edward, Jacob, or men from Lost" card. That, my friends, is exactly 96.7%.

I actually knew the 97% would be hit on the head because I had a Desmond-type episode a few years back and can now travel between the future and the past. Oh, wait, I've said too much.....but just act surprised when McCain wins the election and Tom Cruise marries Oprah's couch.


9:18 PM
lollylew said...

I would definately go for the numbing of the lips with a popsicle. I have always been curious what it would be like to kiss someone whose lips are that cold.

8:12 AM
Anonymous said...

I like to kiss my husband after he's been munching on ice or something so I know that popcicle trip would work for me!

10:15 AM
go boo boo said...

You are funny. Just yesterday, my husband was asking me why I don't catch up on Lost with him, and I say no, that I have no desire, but in my head I am thinking, "all I will want to do is look at Jack", and you've confirmed that for me. Can't wait for Edwards point of view...and some popsicle kisses.

12:01 PM
Sara said...

That was HILARIOUS! I'm kind of sad I forwarded it to my husband though... he's going to use the driving thing on me all the time now. But the popsicle one was FABULOUS.

12:47 PM
lainakay said...

Ditto, to what anonymous 12:42 and vampani said. It's not really so difficult to emulate the attributes we adore in Edward, it just takes some thought! That's the real aphrodisiac!

1:03 PM
lainakay said...

...though a five-carat heart shaped diamond can't hurt either!

1:04 PM
petit elefant said...

All we want {as women} is for a man to want to take care of us 24/7 {or at least I do}. Jacob, Edward, and Jack would all drop everything to take care of {whiny} Bella. Swoon.

3:00 PM
Jen said...

Ok ok, so this like....ROCKED. Let me tell you, you are making the rounds big time man. A friend of a friend of a friend passed this along to me which I passed on also (of course cause you don't get to many interesting Mormon Blog comments that don't offend or weaken the belly) anyways, loved it thanks for the smile. P.S. Instead of being pretty in a "bella" way, you could say your significant other is pretty in a "Rosalie" way ......then you can't lose! That's when you give her the "ice cold" kiss of death, I mean LOVE!

6:45 PM
Anonymous said...

Awesome blog! I love the "forever without sucking your blood" line. Very original. Oh, but in all actuality, C.S. Lewis was not a member of the Church. Amazing that he could get so much right without the true knowledge, though, eh?

11:12 PM
Anonymous said...

I totally loved your comments about the books and the characters. For your information regarding who is reading the books, I am 59 years old and am also inlove with Edward! I even bought my mom all 3 books for her 83rd birthday. My 65 year old sister-in-law told me abouthem. So you see, women of ALL ages are in love with a vampire!

1:34 PM

Dear Anonymous - Please, please, please let us know if your 83-year-old mother also falls head over heels for Edward. When you stop to think about it, your mom has more of a claim on him than any of these young whippersnappers in their 20's and 30's since she is almost the same age as Edward at this point. Thanks for the comment!


4:43 PM

I loved your article, and think I will have to post it to my blog as well. I personally am not inlove with Edward and I hate the character Jacob. Edward is to perfect in my opinion and he is way to serious half the time. Also, by the end of the third book my husband and I realized that Bella had major problems, we were beganning to getted so bugged by her. Anyway, I did like the books in the end, but mostly because my husband and I could have fun making fun Bella.

5:46 PM
Anonymous said...

I love the Twilight series and I loved your blog. I laughed till I was crying.

How about the "You are my life now, [insert appropriate name]." That would work for least until it is used as an excuse for never leaving me alone and for never working or doing anything except being with me.

But in truth, what I love most about these books isn't Edward or Jacob. It is how Edward and Jacob love Bella. Without question. And that can be replicated. Just ask my husband who doesn't get mad when I spend hours on the TwilightMoms Forums.

8:56 PM
hendywow said...

Hey, you probably won't even read this, considering how popular you are, the most comments I have ever gotten was like 6, or it is 6 ; currently because of the wicked cool hair from the 80's.. On the chance that you do, I just need to tell you how much I enjoy your blog! You have got some serious skills... And thx for looking at mine.

11:07 PM
Scrappycook said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator. 8:43 PM
Anonymous said...

I am an obsessed twilight fan and loved this article, I loved all of the suggestions! The only suggestion I would make is to find out if your wife/girlfriend likes Edward or Jacob. I am an Edward lover and don't like Jacob at ALL. So if my husband tried a Jacob line on me I would probably give him a dirty look.

6:10 PM
Anonymous said...

(I hate to correct people, so, sorry...) I just thought I should let you know that C.S. Lewis was not Mormon. Surprisingly enough, he was an athiest for many years. It was when he was taking a walk with his friend, J.R.R. Tolkien - a Roman Catholic, that he was converted to christianity and joined the Church of England. He is one of the most famous christian authors of all time which is probably why he is quoted in our church so often. (My Husband is a huge C.S. Lewis fan...)

Thank You for your blog though, it was very entertaining...

9:09 PM
Anonymous said...

Anonymous (previous comment):

I'm pretty sure the author of this post was just be facetious. Most Mormon's have heard the faith-promoting story of how Pres. Monson did C.S. Lewis' temple work after he died. Whether or not that is true, I do not know, but it just proves the point that we knew he was a well-educated and enlightened non-member. Thanks for the comment, though.

2:33 PM

Since two people have now commented to politely inform me that C.S. Lewis was not a member of the Church, I just want to quickly clarify that I have always known that he was not LDS. The "C.S. Lewis is the most famous dead LDS author" bit was simply an attempt at humor given how often he is quoted in General Conference (and thank you to the 99% of my readers who got the joke). I take great pride in the NMH research staff (a.k.a. Wikipedia) and go to great lengths to ensure factual reporting and quality journalism on my blog.

Just in case there are any other who are confused about some of my attempts at humor, I also want to go on the record that I am not sure of He-Man's political affiliation and Satan does not officially own the Dollar Tree stores (not yet, anyway.)


5:37 PM
Cathi said...

Funny post! I love your writing, great POV for all the poor Mormon Husbands being abandoned by their wives to read these books. I'm admittedly one of those wives, only now I spend my time on to get my fix. You don't know Twi-hard until you've visited that site. That is where someone so graciously put up a link to your blog. Take solice in knowing you are not the only husband out there trying to understand your wife's obsession with Edward.

BTW, when MIA posted; "The other 3% are the girls who live in reality and don't need a stupid book about fantasy "creatures" to get them through the next lonely weekend. We are the girls who understand that there is a fine line between day dreaming and coveting a make believe person." is painstakingly obvious that she hasn't been married for 10 years, have 4 kids and need some excitement in her life. I LOVE my husband to eternity and back, but some of the excitement wears thin after so many years. Mia, bless her heart, still has hearts in her eyes and thinks her firefighter boyfriend will never change. Those of us experiencing TRUE reality need a little Edward to keep us from crying too much....

11:06 PM
Keri and Corey said...

My friend Cathi a bove me put a link to you on her blog, I have to admit I only TODAY finished the first book which I picked up YESTERDAY. I did not really think I would get sucked pun intended! but that being said, my husband all day was looking at me like, are you going to do anyting today? I love your writing, I was laughing the whole time. I think I am totally going to put a link to you on my blog, because your funny! I like the driving comment with the slurpee and texting, it's my husband all the way!

11:57 PM
Shroutys said...

Wow. I don't know whether to thank you or what. My husband got quite a kick out of your post, he being the victim of a "Twi-Hard" wife. I also found it funny...but when I want some Edward, I'll read the books. If my husband started to try to act like him, it might weird me out and drive me more towards the fictional character.

10:39 PM
Amy said...

I am an Edward fan all the way. What I love about Edward is he is chivalrous and only has eyes for Bella. If perfection chooses Bella over beauty incarnate, Rosalie, then it makes us normal looking girls feel a lot better about ourselves. Jacob just comes across as an arrogant, immature little twerp. Although admittedly, being a woman who is always too cold, I think I would prefer my man not to feel as cold as a Popsicle.

Thanks for a funny read. My hubby enjoyed the part about He-man, and I got a good laugh about C.S. Lewis. You have a very good sense of humor.

12:02 AM
heather said...

Andrew, it is crazy how aware of your blog people are. I was reading a friend of a friends blog in Boston who their friend in San Antonio had a link to your blog regarding this post. Was that a run-on sentence? Anyway, I thought it was funny. Hope your doing well.

7:25 PM
Anonymous said...

Cracked me up! I am definitely going to show this to my husband, who is always so kind to leave me alone during my "Edward-time". He'll be happy to see he's not the only hubby feeling abandoned in favor of the undead.

10:26 PM
Anonymous said...

Love your blog! Hey, I'm older and I find Bella's dad attractive...well, in a middle age, frumpy, balding way. Oh well, I have been to Forks and La Push. You make me really glad to be LDS! My 76 yr. old mom didn't like the stories. Whatever!

11:59 PM
the AZ Allreds said...
This comment has been removed by the author. 3:39 PM
Anonymous said...

Umm... yeah the thing about that whole Bella line is that she makes me feel insecure so if a boy said that to me I would say I would feel weird

1:44 PM
TwilightSusan said...

I too, am an Edward lover!! However, I am not a 'Lost' fan, never watched it and never will, but I am a fan of Stargate Atlantis, and I have to say that Brother Momoa (I don't know if he's a Mo) is one fine hotty!! Delicious!! Thanks Mormon Husband.

7:20 PM
Anonymous said...

i absolutly LOVE jacob!! he still wants to be freinds with bella even if he cant have her. he is so sweet and romantic and he kinda reminds me of my ex bf. he is so in love with bella he will see through the fact that she will be a vampire and he will still see her anyway.

3:46 PM
Heather said...

This was awesome! My friend and fellow Twilight lover told me to come check this out and I'm glad I did! I think the warm day and cold day lines are the BEST, they made me LOL! I can totally see my husband saying those! It's nice to see that these characters are giving guys some tips and how we like to be treated, thanks for spearheading the movement! Love it!

12:12 AM
Anonymous said...

Never read the Twilight books and never will, I'm afraid.

But Sawyer is HOT! *who are these children coming down...*

9:45 PM

How are you not making money off of this blog with how much people love it?!

8:35 AM
MoJo said...

1. Re: C.S. Lewis quoted in GC as if LDS authority...

ROFLMAO! Ah, irony.

2. I want to know if 97% of Mormon women would have even read this book if a Mormon hadn't written it AND if there would be such swooningness over its alleged fabulousness by 97% of the Mormon woman population.

3. Why am I still sticking my neck out waiting for Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula to come along and suck me? Is it because I'm just not willing to supplant the images of an absinthe-swilling and burlesque- nickelodeon-attending Gary Oldman with a Rom accent? I guess yes. However, for the sake of research and up-to-the-minute-with-Mormon-culture-ness, I shall sacrifice my fantasies and read the series.

2:46 PM
Anonymous said...

YAY!! Can you talk my husband into reading the books???

*sigh* Oh edward!!

8:07 AM
Muggle Mom said...

Great post!!!! love your writing!

9:01 PM
Mills Family said...

Hey Andrew,

I love your blog. It was emailed to me this week from someone in my ward. As I was reading, I realized I knew who you were. Then Angie's book and Tony's website confirmed I was right! Your blog is hilarious! You have many women in my ward in stitches.

Nicki (Jex) Mills

3:31 PM
Jin said...

"I'm not sure what I enjoyed more about this post: the witty writing from Normal Mormon Husband, or the realization that oh-my-gosh I'm not the only husband out here with a wife who has a serious Edward-crush"

The above comment said it all for me. I loved this post. It was clever and oh so right on!!

For a present I got my husband a tshirt that says,"I'm Her Edward.. Exactly her brand of heroine", so I think in a way I'm trying to take my "Edward crush" and reflect it on to my husband. Tee hee hee!

Great writing. I will definitely be back to see what other funnies you'll blog.

2:16 PM
Nancy said...

My husband and I caan't stop laughing! You are one funny guy - and very insightful! Thanks for the giggles - we'll be back for more!

2:12 PM
Amie said...

perfect. I loved it. And I'm sending my hubby your way.

7:01 PM
Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard.
i loved the popsicle one.
that's cause I love Edward!!!!!!!!!!

7:20 PM
EBeth said...

Quite possibly the funniest thing I have EVER read!! This was terrific!! Keep writing!

7:48 PM
Blarney Girl said...

This was freakin' awesome!! I got your link via a friend of a friend. You're famous in Houston, Texas now!! :)

8:37 PM
Anonymous said...

I have read all the books 18 or more times each. Guys dont try the "Sweetheart, you always look a Bella sort of way." That right there will just get you couch time. So stay away from that line. Otherwise these lines and acts are pretty well thought out and totally sweet.

9:11 PM

Your blog made me laugh so hard. Being 14 and having read all 3 books 7 times and being totally infatuated with edward I like the popsicle and ice lines:) maybe a guy will use those on me someday (when i'm 16 of course)

9:47 PM
Anonymous said...

You made it to the front page of the TwilightLexicon!! Way to go! I, too, caught the C.S.Lewis joke. Johnny's credit card debit is hilarious! Kinda lessens the Ahhh-factor of his cow gift though. LOL

I have one thing to say. Twilight= HWS (Happy Wife Syndrome). The book is fiction--the characters are fictional. Edward and Jake aren't real. My husband isn't threatened. He rather likes the fact that I'll let him put his ice-cold feet on my legs at night--well, sometimes! Come on! It's cold!!!

10:04 PM
Muffy said...

That was brilliant. lol I can hardly type for laughing. I especially liked your comment on CS Lewis - it's just so true!

I didn't check to see how many others agree, but I have to say that the popsicle quote is the best. I think I'd go unconcious with happiness if a guy actually said that to me... I'm swooning at the very thought.

4:43 AM
Adele said...

Only one problem with your 'other 3% must be in the Church Video camp'. I'm an active LDS YSA Female. And I've never read any of the Twilight books. I'm not into Lost, nor fancy any of the men featured therein. And I've never seen any of the church videos outside of a Early Morning Seminary. What do I do with all my spare time? I hear you gasp. What spare time? I reply.

4:50 AM
Sarah said...

You just got yourself another reader, that post made my night.

And... Edward all the way.

5:23 AM
Anonymous said...

And then there are those of us who would fall for Edward and Jacob and Jack and Sawyer and Sayid if they actually existed. Thanks for the hilarious post! You just won yourself a new reader!

9:03 AM
Cassandra said...

i'd completely melt at the popsicle line.

Completely and totally Team Edward. Although i do have a soft spot for Jacob.

10:17 AM
Jamie K said...

Hilarious blog-I must get the hubby to read it! My husband is 100% my Edward. He loves to have his drinks SUPER cold, so he's always had freezing cold lips when we kiss!!!

He has read and very much enjoyed the books. He's not alone either, another husband in our ward has read and loved the books as well!!! I have to say the together for eternity without biting you line was my favorite!!

11:18 AM
Anonymous said...

if a woman is insecure say instead of "you alway look beautiful in a Bella sort of way" say you look better than Rosalie on her best day the girl we feel better and love you for the comparison.
If you really read the books that well you would have come up with that on your own.
And the next book out is breaking dawn in bellas pov not midnight sun which is in edwards pov but it will be what she will be working on next and it isn't victoria who he driving away from in the first book it james.edward takes bella to phoenix when victorias after them so you didnt read the books very carefully did you.
when you said it was cold outside oushould have say you where jacob and would warm you right up like he did in the third book when bella and edward when camping so they werent in town when all the newborn vampires came to town and when it as warm you should have say you were like edward and would cool you right down. there is no referance i can think of right now when edward had to cool bella down except in the second book after her birthday party atthe cullens house when edward through her over the table with the glass bowls and she got a hugh cut down her arm and pressed it against edwards shoulder when he told her to get some sleep but its not really the same thing.

11:54 AM
Rachael said...

Haha! I loved this artical and that you're trying to help out our boyfriends/husbands. ;)

My personal favorite was the one about kissing a vampire. It made me laugh.

I think it's cool you've read the books and that you like them.

I have another one for you though.

My boyfriend has read all the books and is patiently waiting for the 4th. He always tells me I remind him of Bella.

So if I trip or fall and blush he always tells me I'm like his little Bella.

I loved what you wrote.

11:55 AM
Anonymous said...

okay minor mistake.

you said:
If she wants a relationship but you just want to be friends, just say, "I am so glad that we both agree that we can have a fulfilling, close relationship like Bella and Jacob enjoy."

but be careful if you say this because later in the Twilight Series (mainly Eclipse) Bella’s and Jacob’s relationship doesn’t really stay in the friendship stage, so your significant other might expect the relationship to change if you catch my drift.

11:56 AM

i think mormon guys have super cool powers too! missionaries rock! i think it was cool how you said 'sister meyer' instead of mrs or stephanie!! i have a funny i have a story. i was at mutual and one of mly YW leaders had just finished all three books and her husband just came inside during the winter and they were saying fam prayers and wehn they were done she said " you should get cold more's sexy!!" i was laughing so hard! and then for halloween she made him dress up as a vampire! ha ha!!
this blog rocks!! my favorite part 'unless you plan on taking her to the temple" ha ha ha!! so so true!

12:26 PM
Anonymous said...

LOL you got the most comments and new readers from this post. The Twilight saga sure did your blog some good. Definitely worth your time reading them. My husband has read them too! But he is way better than Edward because he doesn't say that I'm beautiful in a "bella" sort of way. I would kill him. I better be beautiful in a Barbie sort of way (with dk. brown hair). LOL :) Great post! Linda

1:02 PM
Anonymous said...

DUDE!!! this is AMAZING!!!
Im all for Edward, Jacob, Jack (although i dont really watch lost),and Johnny Lingo... I mean they're all amazing. Oh! and by the way i totally fall for the tie/flower trick...haha. And the ice kiss of course... that trick is golden! I really feel sorry for the other 3%, what do they do with their spare time.

1:39 PM
Tiger lily said...

You are crackin' me up. Kudos on all the excelent fictional guys you brought up, really thats a great list, but I gotta say HE-MAN is the guy for me. He's republican, I've known him for decades, oh...and he is The Most Powerful Man in the Universe. Although, Edward (Also probably Republican)takes a close second. Love your blog!

3:10 PM
Lauren said...

I am very, VERY impressed by this article. It kept me laughing and reading. Kudos to you! I definitely love the last comment. I'm going to show that to my boyfriend. :) Thanks guys, happy Twilighting!

3:37 PM
Anne said...

OK, so I'm usually just a lurker...this post has inspired me! Several points.

One, you are hilarious.

Two, Sawyer.

Three, and most importantly. Do any other married Mormon women imagine that the Twilight characters are NOT teenagers. I mean really. Gross. This is where all the movie hype is going to ruin it. Right now I can imagine that Jacob and Edward (frankly, WHO CARES which one)are of a respectable age for a thirty-something Mormon housewife to drool over. Robert Pattinson is going to make this VERY difficult!

All right. Back to lurking.

4:57 PM
Alison said...

Quotes for guys to use:
the first: don't ever use this one..first of all, edward didn't take her out of forks, jasper did. second, it wasn't in her truck. third, they have lightning fast reflexes and edward can read minds, which helps knowing if there's someone close by to crash into. and fourth, edward didn't drive with his knees.

the second: great. use as soon as possible

third: great. but don't use if you've used the second one recently.

fourth: this might work, as it might take her awhile to figure out how those to relate but if you use it, leave out the 'for italy'. trust me.

fifth: this would be a bad thing to say. jacob and bella find it really hard to be friends after awhile because he loves her and she doesn't want to hurt him. things go badly for them.

seventh: it would be a good thing to say except the book from edwards perspective doesn't have anything to do with new moon. it all happens before hand. consider saying you'd like to see her write new moon in his perspective as well.

ninth: great to use if your married. it would make her day.


4:59 PM
Pamela said...

Twilight movie website (coming in December!) -

7:25 PM
Anonymous said...

For starters this was quite the entertainment. So, thank you. A very funny blog, but there were a few errors you may want to correct. If a guy gives a quote with incorrect Twilight knowledge it could be dangerous, so this is for your protection boys!

Quote 1: Jasper and Alice drove Bella out of Forks (at more than twice the legal speed limit) in Carlisle's Mercedes. They drove her away from James, "the hunter", and i suppose technically Victoria as well, since she was his partner. Still, vampires have far better reflexes than humans, so none of them drive recklessly, just fast. I'm also pretty sure that texting has become illegal while driving in many states.

Quotes 2&3 are fine

Quote 4: this line is all wrong. Edward left Forks to protect Bella, not because the timing was wrong. Edward loved Bella enough to sacrifice his own happiness for her safety. Edward did NOT go to Italy. He tracked Victoria down into South America and then lost her trail down there and then spent the rest of his time somewhere in New Mexico. He went to Italy when Rosalie told him that Bella had jumped off a cliff and died, which wasn't true, she lived. I'm not sure a guy trying to buy more time before committing wants to send the message that he'll committ suicide if his girlfriend dies.

Quote 5: The relationship between Bella and Jacob escalates to more than friendship. In the end of the Third book Eclipse, Bella still choses Edward and Jacob runs away. Probably not the message you are going to want to convey.

Quote6: This will work greatly, as long as the girl isn't emo or something.

Quote 7: The next book is the Twilight series in Breaking Dawn, which is still from Bella's POV. After that comes out, Stephenie is taking a year-long break/vacation. then, she will go back to working on Midnight Sun, which is Twilight from Edward's POV. This book will give insight into the story of Twilight only, not the other three books of the series. Stephenie said that writing New Moon from Edward's POV would make her want to stick her head in an oven.

Quote 8: not the best idea, try saying she looks prettier than Rosalie. I am positive no guy will get injured for that!

Quote 9: Meyer's vampires don't have fangs, just razor sharp teeth dripping with venom. They are not for 'sinking in'. Sucking out all the blood in a person would kill a person, not cause them to be able to stay with you forever.

Overall, a very good, funny blog. Kudos! I am a Twilight fan, but not a Lost fan. My advice to guys is to get your facts straight, that's most important if you plan to quote these novels. Act Chivalrous, and try the popsicle bit, that's very creative!


12:17 AM
Julia said...

I love the one for the awkward lull in the conversation! That is amazing!

And don't tell me there isn't a chance that a former Iraqi Republican Guard torture expert will sweep me off my feet!

12:22 AM
Anonymous said...

I really liked this, it was funny. As an insanely obssessed Twilight fan I thught this was great. My favourite was the ice idea. I will definately be doing some subtle suggesting by getting my boyfriend to read this:)

4:09 AM
Anonymous said...

Wow, VERY funny. I Love Jacob Black , :) <3 *Swoon*

6:42 AM
Anonymous said...

this is absolutely the best thing I've read/heard from any guy on the books....I laughed all the way through. I want to hear when someone tells their girl she's beautiful in a "Bella sort of way"!

7:19 AM
Joe said...

Oh man MORE twilight wife sent me the link to this blog which supposedly is for mormon husbands, however 99% of the readers seem to be women. I have read ALL the books (even The Host) and they all revolve around selfish relationships masked in self sacrifice. They are very entertaining though. Hopefully the twilight series will fade into just another one of those mormon fads.

10:48 AM
Anonymous said...

"Anonymous" at 12:42 PM got it EXACTLY right in regards to why we like Edward. I think the actual article is somewhat lame, sorry. The comment about this book "hopefully fading away like other Mormon fads" is ridiculous because guess what... its not a Mormon fad! So, dont plan on that happening anytime soon...

3:08 PM
Anonymous said...

i just have to say something to mia about her "the other 3% of us have perfect lives" comment.

i actually do feel like my husband is a gazillion times better than any of the fictional characters mentioned in this blog although i did enjoy the twilight series. i can honestly say that i wouldn't have even read them if my wonderful husband hadn't been a deployed marine. so yes, as a pregnant mother of two, i resorted to "a stupid book about fantasy "creatures" to get (myself) through the next lonely weekend." the weekdays have been pretty lonely as well for the last six months. a lot of military wives do it for much longer.

so who knows how many twilight fans are sacrificing more than you will ever know or understand so their husbands can fight for your freedom. (i gave birth to our first child by myself) and who knows how many just haven't met the one they want to spend eternity with. maybe the rest just like reading that kind of book. it seems to me that only a seriously insecure person would feel the need to rub that in people's faces.

furthermore, your current happiness seems to be hanging on a "dashingly gorgeous BOYFRIEND" which means that you may be only one breakup away from needing a serious distraction to get you through a lonely weekend...

1:30 AM
Nikki said...

NHH- I am sure I can say on behalf of all the other Twilight junkies out there-THANK YOU! Thank you for not rolling your eyes and insinuating that we are all lame, lame, lame for loving Stephie's stories.
And my favorite line would have to be the eternity without the vampire death kiss one.
Lastly, my fictional crushes: Most important: Jack (sigh), second: Ian (mmmhmmm) and third: Michael Scofield. PS, was that Panama City comment a kick back to Prison Break?
You rock the blogging community!

10:15 AM
Anonymous said...

To the lonely girl whose hubby is a deployed marine if you haven't read the Work and the Glory books? There are a ton of them and they have lots of pages. That's what I read while my husband was deployed. But Twilight wasn't out then.

8:08 AM
Jenni said...

I didn't check all of the responses, so I'm not sure if someone already broke the news; if not, I'm very sorry to have to be the one to tell you that C.S. Lewis was not LDS (at least not in this life). He was a Christian, but not of LDS variety. He was just awesome, and that is why he is quoted in Conference.

12:34 PM
Kacy said...

Okay so my husband linked this to our blog. The is is seriously hilarious. Every women I talk to loves these books. My mother in law is one of the few I have talked to that thinks they are dumb. My 14 year old niece is even in love with Edward. He is the first guy she has ever admitted to liking. Funny I know. My husband should feel threatened. I love Edward! Those books consume my Mind. LOL

10:59 PM
Brittany Lynn said...

I guess I'm in that 8%. I read most of the first book and hated it. (Note that I read most of it. I read as much as I could handle before throwing it back at my sister and asking her why she likes such gushy stuff.) And of all the guys mentioned, I like Sawyer the most. And I hate Jack. So... yeah.

5:45 PM
Anonymous said...

Im not mormon, and not married. but one of my mormon friends sent this link to me, and i love it! I am in love with Edward! he is old-fashion and totaly wonderful!!
(take a hint guys!women love old-fashion manners!)

Also i dont get Lost at all, but i watch it only to see the hot guys!

9:31 PM
McKenzie said...

Absolutely loved this post; very witty. I would have to say that the comment about Bella and Jacob's relationship takes the cake. Any girl who had read the series would instantly know that nothing was coming of it...

3:12 PM
emily said...

I must say, I can't choose between Edward and Jacob. Also, I love the books. I hate Lost. Funny post. Guys have no idea how easy their lives are in comparison. Also, men are moronic.

4:17 PM
Tommy said...

I'm afraid I've lost my wife forever. Here's my dilemma:

1. My breath surely doesn't smell sweet (I'm sure my wife has never become faint becuase she liked it)

2. My hands are not cold and delicate, but rather sweaty most of the time.

3. My eyes don't change colors... is that supposed to be cool?

4. I can barely pick my wife up (She's not over weight, I'm just a weakling),let alone give her a piggy-back ride while running at lightening fast speeds.

5. I'll never drive a Volvo, mostly because I can't afford one.

6. I don't hear everything my wife says, even when she whispers ... or maybe I'm just not listening.

7. Lastly, I'm not rock solid and my clothes surely don't accentuate my muscles.

As you can tell, my wife is a big Edward fan and goes on dates with him on a nightly basis (while reading). Is there anyway to get her back?

1:26 PM
Anonymous said...

you might have better luck using a direct quote from the books, but i do really like the popsickle idea.

7:32 AM
Abby O. said...
This comment has been removed by the author. 12:39 PM
Abby O. said...

I can't help, but correct you. C.S. Lewis was an Anglican and he was probably mentioned in those meetings so much because he didn't like to address any denomination. :D

12:40 PM
CHEMT said...

Gold. Pure gold.

8:18 PM
Anonymous said...

I got a laugh out of most the tips you offered except for a few of them. They’ll backfire. Horribly. Like this one "If she wants a relationship but you just want to be friends, just say, "I am so glad that we both agree that we can have a fulfilling, close relationship like Bella and Jacob enjoy." This won't work. Trust me- NO lass wants to have that kind of relationship. What happens….hehe, read Eclipse. Kudos on the Popsicle idea- though make sure your lady is Team Edward before attempting the kiss.

Here’s a brief summation of Edward, Jacob and why females of all ages love them.

1.Edward is a classy gentleman; Old-fashioned with manners, patience, consideration, with an interest in classical music, and genuine interest in what Bella thinks- they guy wants to take care of her, that shows he cares. (BTW, Edward sees himself as the lowest form of creature dammed to hell-literally)

2.Jacob is the comfortable, easy going guy. Described as her own personal sun.

3.They both love Bella for who she is- just the way she is, flaws and everything- and they don’t pressure her for anything other than her love.

*My tips
-Play Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy either in the car, or at home. If at home, it
wouldn’t hurt to make her dinner then dance to the song afterwards.
-Growl when annoyed or angry. I think it’s the whole primal element that makes us

Lastly, I’d like to introduce you to Kaleb. Known to the Twilight community as The Twilight Guy. ( He’s a 19 year old trying to figure out what the big hullabaloo is with Edward and Jacob by reading the books and documenting his opinions for each chapter. He is currently on New Moon.


8:38 AM
Anonymous said...

I absolutely love Edward. He is soo good and soo unselfish. I just love him! I would go for the popsicle trick any day.

12:11 PM

If I could mush edward and jacob together to make a yummy sandwich with me as the cream in the middle, I'd be a happy married mormon mother of its not possible, I'm contented with what i've got...but we can dream...=)

7:38 PM
Lisa said...

I found you through a friend of a friend, and I'm so glad I did. My hats off to you man!! I am a 27 yr old mormon girl married to a 6'2" stud of a husband (no kids thanks). So, I have to say that even though I did enjoy the twlight books, they are fiction! And I would much rather fight and makeup with my husband, go through the ups and downs of marriage than be married to a Jacob/Edward/Jack and be coddled and worried about all the time. Even if women were able to have a Jacob/Edward/Jack type, I would guarantee that they would eventually realize its not what it seems :) My husband hasn't read the books, but he has glanced at 1 or 2 pages while I've been reading and gets a major kick out of acting out a werewolf or vampire scenes, just to get under my skin. What more could you want, really!?!?

Well maybe to hear my husband say, "Want to go brake a headboard and rip apart some pillows?!?"

1:04 PM
Liz said...

Your site made me laugh out loud! Thanks. I liked the last comment on not having to suck out all her blood. Totally funny and understanding commentary.

1:40 PM
Jenn said...

OH MY! My friend sent this to me and I sent it to my sister. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard for more then a minute. This post is the best ever!!! I even loved all the funny comments I read.

I just told my husband: Why can't you be more like Edward? We would be so happy forever! LOL

Anyway I am a big Edward fan, how can you not be!! Oh and we can't forget Jack!! HOT HOT!

The best part of the Twilight series is in the 4th book from the middle through to the end. Now that is some serious love!! Just when you can't possibly think that their love could be more then what it was.

Thanks for the laughs! :o)

11:37 PM

My hubby has a loathing hatred toward twilight.
But despite his hatred, really, you must consider that all it does for some women is make them LOVE their man better.
I have a habit of turning every hero I read or watch into my husband. I pull out characteristics that they share and suddenly my man is a gorgeous blood sucking vampire...or a very drunk and hunky pirate. THE BETTER JACK!!
So for some men, these books will only glorify you.
My husband hates them because he never sees me when I dive into one.
I will be totally enthralled , look up at my man, tell him I want him and then go back to the book for another 8 hours. So he isn't a fan.

8:09 AM
bethany said...

This was very funny!! I'm not an Edward fan though I know many many women who swoon at the very mention of his name. Frankly, I'm a Dr. Horrible fan-it's so hot when he sings :) Too bad Doogie Howser's gay in real life, but I guess that means my husband has nothing to worry about.
I hope you know what Dr. Horrible is... it is tragic if you do not. Google it. Now.

5:58 PM
Hans-Juergen said...

I thought I was the only husband who read the Twilight books (At least the first three...I settled for the wikipedia summary for Breaking Dawn, which is costing me great amounts of penitence at home.) Loved the post.

2:49 PM
Amy said...

I thought Twilight was one of the worst books I have ever read, and I found the toungue-in-cheek comment about kissing popsickle lips to hilariously and accurately portray the utter rediculousness of the books as a whole. Hurrah to you for providing a good out-loud laugh.

3:55 PM
Joe said...

Wow, amazing how the anonymity of the internet lets women say how they really feel. Are there any women who DON'T have crushes on random characters from books/TV and are satisfied with real, imperfect men? Men may turn their heads occasionally when an attractive woman walks by, but I honestly can't think of a single girl on TV that I have a crush on. What Cathi said was most revealing:

"I LOVE my husband to eternity and back, but some of the excitement wears thin after so many years. Mia, bless her heart, still has hearts in her eyes and thinks her firefighter boyfriend will never change. Those of us experiencing TRUE reality need a little Edward to keep us from crying too much."

You know what, the next time I get depressed that my wife has changed physically after several children and when I need a little excitement I'm going to go check out some porn. Seriously, do you know how hypocritical you all sound?

And for all the girls who want their SOs to read the books so they can learn to act more like Edward, does that mean I should bring home the latest copy of FHM for my wife to learn how she should look and act for me? Oh right, that would be horribly misogynistic. Get over yourselves, people. You can't have it both ways. If you can't be emotionally faithful to your partners, then why should we be faithful to you (let alone worship you, as Vampini suggests)?

12:35 AM
R Max said...

You're all crazy. Twilight is a piece of rubbish. Now stop the incessant babbling and let me read my book. It's not Twilight... it's not. It's not even about vampires. And there's nobody called Bella in it. And I'm not up to the part where Edward... WOT?...NO!

This is too good...

11:03 PM
Oddfellow said...

"As a person who believes in absolute morality, He-Man would be ineligible to join the Dems."

Um, ouch. That was ... unnecessary. And off-topic.

"The most famous dead LDS author is obviously C.S. Lewis, who had to have been a member since he is quoted in General Conference more often than all of the New Testament apostles combined."

Sorry to burst your bubble, but CS Lewis was Anglican. He also happens to be one of the most influential Christian theologians of all time -- hence the quoting in General Conference.

And I feel bound to point out that this is fairly common knowledge.

"In the meantime, do everything possible to act like an undead vampire and/or a teenage werewolf while keeping the love of your life away from Jack from Lost."

Okay, I get that these books are very, very popular. I have read all four of them and enjoyed them in a passive-beach-read kind of way. But both Edward and Jacob do things that are undeniably un-romantic that we the readers are expected to overlook due to their OMG HAWT-NESS, such as:

-stalk Bella
-lie to Bella
-threaten suicide to guilt Bella into compliance
-remove the engine from Bella's car so she cannot see Jacob (applies specifically to Edward)
-forcibly kiss Bella without her consent (applies specifically to Jacob)
-display a general disregard for Bella's wishes and opinions
-prevent her from making choices she has a basic right to make, such as who she spends time with, where she can go, and what she can do, and whether or not she can KEEP HER BABY

I really, really wanted to like this story. Really. I gave it a fair shot, I reread the books to see if I missed anything, I finished the series to see what would happen, and I was constantly disappointed. I am not making any of this up out of spite. These examples drawn from all four books in the series, and there are multiple occurrences of each. And you are arguing that men should act more like Edward and Jacob without acknowledging these serious character flaws.

So yes, knowing something about Twilight may help you pick up girls -- at least the girls who like the books. But behaving like the characters? That's at least enough to earn a man a restraining order in the real world.

I realize this post is intended to be humorous and entertaining, but I can't help but think the underlying message is wrong.

2:51 PM
Anonymous said...

I personally don't like Twilight, you'd be supprised actually alot of people don't. They feel like it's sexist towards girls as well as boys (thats something new)

2:51 PM
Anonymous said...

Hi Im logging on from the island of Samoa - to tell you that i LOVED your blog. HIlarious - great writing and even greater take on the whole twilight obsession.
Im bookmarking your page. Oh - and while I dream of Edward AND Jake...I also think Sawyer AND Jake are incredibly hot...hmm...
Thanks for the fun read.


5:36 AM

We are enjoying guests at our B&B who are here to see the Port Angeles/Forks area as part of a Twilight tour. If we can help you and your bloggers with info about the area, feel free to contact us:

3:58 PM
Adam said...

Jack rules. Vampires are disgusting and creepy. Give me Van Helsing any day. He knows how to show a vampire a good time. I might see this movie with my wife at the dollar theater because I wouldn't want it to take away from the ten bucks a month I pay for my Netflix membership.

9:48 PM
Anonymous said...

I love Edward Cullen!! He is just so dreamy! no man on earth can beat Edward Cullen!

7:41 PM
Anonymous said...

ummm, i don't like how your advice would be to refer to the books all the time. It would be better just to do all the things edward does e.g play with her hair/fingers, humor her nicely and stuff like that

11:06 PM
Admiral Lily said...

The only suggestion I have is to know what kind of girl you've got: An Edward fan, A Jacob fan or a Switzerland fan (Edward and Jacob). I love everything Edward. I throw up a little in my mouth everything about Jacob. If you want me to run, mention Jacob. If you want me to hang on and never let go, bring in the Edward big guns. :D

12:55 PM
heidizinha said...

what if i have a major crush on desmond? lets talk more about lost...twilight sucks.

3:55 PM
Anonymous said...

Wow. People reading your blog are amazing! NMH, I really appreciate your take on the Twilight series. I think I've read through the all the Twilight links and laughed so hard I was actually crying. I have to admit that I love the series and have read the books numerous times. I am married and middle-aged so I don’t feel the need to defend or choose between fictional characters, but I am drawn to certain traits in both Edward & Jacob. Your romance tips at the top will either work or backfire so supremely, it would probably be worth it just to recall the story 10 years from now. Thanks again for the fun!

7:28 AM
Anonymous said...

Yes, well, for all those who swoon over Edward, his attentiveness over the rather accident prone Bella I would like to see book 8 or 10 in the series. You know, the one that goes into the nitty-gritty of their blissful relationship after the courtship. Remember, it is only the fourth book which actually begins to address marriage and its aftermath. I wonder if Edward would be so perfect then?

Still, several posters have been spot on. Super strength, ice cold nearly inpregnible exterior, the ability to read others thoughts (well, all save Bella); all overrated to the women I have spoken to. Rather, open a few doors, twiddle with their hair, express affection vocally, get her a little something every now and then for no reason whatsoever. Spend time with them. These seem to be the Edwardish qualities every woman is looking for. Oh, well, that and the passion.

Excellent blog. Even though my wife thinks I am sufficiently Edwardish to receive a pass I can nevertheless relate to the Edward-envy outlined therein. -Matt

10:23 AM
Anonymous said...

For me, it is not Edward and Jacob, but Bella herself that is interesting. She is no pushover, especially when Jacob or Edward over-step. She loves them unconditionally while still demanding her own choices - baby included. She recognizes that God is present and has a plan, even if she doesn't pray or go to church. She is self-reflective and aims to do better. She tries to take good care of her loved ones in complicated and trying circumstances.

She struggles with desires, self-control, bitterness, self-loathing, a difficult pregnancy, fear, anger, depression, overcoming a co-dependent childhood, and loneliness. Not all of this goes away when she becomes a vampire, like it would if she were Cinderella.

She loves her friends and family, and they love her back - with tolerance and acceptance coupled with independence and conflict resolution. A true community

8:16 AM
Anonymous said...

Still... there is that hidden agenda of the Twilight books - read more about it at the HAT Club...

the world depends on it...

7:58 PM
Jacqui said...

Oh. My. GOODNESS. I am so sad I got on the NMH wagon late and you are not writing anymore. BOO! You are hilarious. If my hubs wasn't snoring away his Sunday afternoon, I'd be reading this post out loud to him right now. He read all the Twilight books, but has no idea how to tap into their powers of persuasion. Now he'll know...

2:01 PM
Sarah Jayne said...

Awesome. My favorite line was the one about kissing Edward or the one for anniversaries.

11:05 AM
Johanna said...

Personally, I'm not Mormon, but I've read a lot about Mormon persuasion in the Twilight series. I ended up here at your blog after some internet research. It was curious to read what was said about Twilight in it. You didn't specifically mention the intergration of Mormon beliefs into Twilight, so I will continue my search. All the same, I thought some of the things you mentioned were curious.

How could an upstanding woman of the 21st century be proud of her boyfriend/husband using Edward and Jacob lines on her? The Edward/Bella relationship is so utterly wrong that it's not even funny. He's demeaning to her in every sense of the word. He tells her what to do, stalks her, breaks into her house, breaks her car, and kidnaps her! How is that healthy? If my boyfriend used a line from Edward, I would wonder what sort of dominion he thinks he has over me. I'd be disgusted and annoyed. Honestly, guys, don't use lines on chicks that are from a stalker-esque relationship. It's just plain tacky and gross.

5:16 PM

Great post and thanks for sharing....

4:45 AM