The Breaking Dawn Pre-Release Party, NMH Style!

Friday, July 18, 2008

When I started writing this blog two years ago I figured that my family and close friends might be mildly interested in it, but nobody else. So I chugged along for a year and a half and would get excited on the rare instances of "heavy traffic" when my SiteMeter statistics recorded double digit visitors in one day. Because blogging gave me a fun, creative outlet, I was perfectly content with a readership that consisted of about twenty family, friends and ward members. Then I wrote the Twilight post followed by the Edward spoof that were circulated around the net after Angela Hallstrom placed a link from her blog at to mine.

Since many of you who are reading my blog today are doing so because of my quirky take on the Twilight books, I figured I would give my peeps what they want:


Many of you die-hard Twilight fans are anxiously counting down the milliseconds until Breaking Dawn is released at 12:01 a.m. on August 2nd so that you can rush to your nearest Barnes & Noble and buy it as quickly as possible. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if several of you are planning to buy the book at midnight and then stay up reading it cover-to-cover before your kids wake up at 6:55 a.m. Admit it! You're out there, I know it. (Side note: Can you imagine how insane Barnes & Noble will be in some parts of the country [read: Utah] when Breaking Dawn is released? Don't be surprised if it resembles the bi-annual Filene's Basement Running of the Brides wedding dress stampede. My conservative estimate is that 143 B&N Associates will be killed and another 815 injured.)

To help tide many of you over until August 2nd, I have decided to dedicate my next several posts to writing my own version of Breaking Dawn. That's right! For the past few days I have been channeling my inner Stephenie Meyer and think I have a pretty good guess about how the book will turn out. Well, assuming that the real Breaking Dawn includes references to the McCain/Obama race, American Idol, Teen Wolf, and Homer Simpson, because my version sure does.

The first several chapters of my version of Breaking Dawn will be posted on Monday 7/28 with additional chapters posted throughout the week. Just to clarify, I am only going to be writing some chapter overviews, not an actual 600-page book. Spread the word. It should be good times.

I also thought it would be fun to let you vote on a bizarre character for me to weave into my spoof story, so please vote for one using the poll in the right-hand column. The character with the most votes by the end of the week will appear in my posts.

Lastly, if you know any Barnes & Noble employees, you may want to advise them to increase their short-term disability and their life insurance policies before 8/2. It's going to be a blood bath.


Melinda said...

Awesome! I shall read your version, and no other. At least, not until someone loans me their copy.

8:14 PM

Yay! I'm a big fan of yours, courtesy of your Twilight posts! My husband and I couldn't stop laughing, so we're sure looking forward to your version of Breaking Dawn!

6:09 AM
Ang said...

The gauntlet hast been thrown!! Looking forward to it.

6:30 AM
Jon-Michael said...

"In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if several of you are planning to buy the book at midnight and then stay up reading it cover-to-cover before your kids wake up at 6:55 a.m. Admit it! You're out there, I know it."

That will be my wife. She did it with Eclipse and The Host. Unfortunately, our seventh wedding anniversary is the next day, so it appears we will be celebrating the next weekend.

6:55 AM
Julie said...

To Jon-Michael: Jilted for Edward v. Jacob on your wedding anniversary? Oh, the humanity!!!

To NMH: I am anxiously awaiting your version of Breaking Dawn, and hope that it includes Bella growing herself a spine and realizing that she needs to figure out who she really is before throwing herself at either one of her lusty crushes. (While I have to admit to reading Meyers's books in one sitting, there are also a lot of things about them that bug me.)

7:30 AM
Sandy said...

Heehee - this should be great:) I have to admit...I got WAY more worked up about the last Harry Potter book coming out. I pre-ordered it and went to my post office as soon as it opened, then had the whole book read by 3pm. As far as Breaking Dawn...I just read "The Host" and wasn't blown away. I'm hoping Breaking Dawn will be a little more exciting (and that Bella's immature obsession with a controlling, older man with a distructive alter ego will not be quite as annoying this time...I could get in BIG trouble for saying that on this blog, couldn't I...). I'll just go put my name on the list at my local library. Here in my dinky town, I'll probably be the only one ON the list.

8:12 AM
Sandy said...

Sorry, I meant dEstructive, not dIstructive.

8:14 AM
Natalie said...

You must go with the break dancer. And he must look like Gev. Oh how I miss him.

9:39 AM
Chela85 said...

hahahahahahahaha you're hilarious!!! I'll definitely check out your version. I'll definitely be reading as soon as I buy it (I'm not a mom though so I can read it without having to worry about a child needing me) and I am very excited!!

10:01 AM
Dan Ellsworth said...

You might use this BYU Q&A Board as your inspiration- read the second answer post.

10:22 AM
Anonymous said...

My wife is a HUGE Twilight fan. She sent me your "Edward" post and now this one. And I just gotta say: Dude, you are funny. Amen to all of it.

10:49 AM
Carla said...

Can't wait! :D

11:26 AM
Melinda said...

You mean we can make suggestions about what you're going to write? I second and third the suggestion about having Bella grow a spine! That might end the whole series, though.

Also, I want an explanation about how Bella's dad can be police chief of a whole town if he's too dumb to take the lid off a jar before he microwaves it. The father is the only person in the books who is wimpier and more helpless than Bella. At least she comes by it honestly!

Oh, and I put my life on hold and read the books in two days. But those things still bug me.

1:48 PM
Anonymous said...

I've already paid for my book, 12:01 baby!

7:08 PM
Anonymous said...

This blog goes to show just how AWESOME us Mormons are!!!! You're a pretty funny dude, no lie.
Cherish this, because it comes from a teenager.
Anywho-can't wait to see your version of BD!
Keep up the funny-ness...
and the awesome Mormon-ness.

8:41 PM
Sarah said...

Hi - I've never met you but a friend of mine stumbled onto your Edward spoof and we found it hilarious! I was born and raised in Utah, currently living in New York, and I find your blog to be one of the funniest things I have read in a while. Since I'm obsessed with all things Twilight, I will be checking back to see your version of Breaking Dawn. Thanks for the entertainment!

5:28 AM
Val in BAMA said...

Val in BAMA- you are tripping me out- This is just too funny!! Keep writing-

10:36 AM
benjiman miles said...

i vote for the murderous free range chicken! he should firebomb a chic-fil-a.

1:07 PM
Debbie said...

I may be the only one, but I did not pre-order a copy, nor do I plan to interrupt my sleep patterns with the other obsessed woman in my city. However, I have read the Twilight series and will wait until the shelves have restocked several weeks later or just borrow the copy from a friend. What can I say...I'm a cheap-skate. I will, however, be on the edge of my seat waiting for the first installment of your version of the "Breaking Dawn." I could always use a good laugh!!

1:46 PM
Jami said...

Amazon is delivering my E-Teen's copy sometime after publication, so we shall not shed the blood of any B & N employees.

If it is the very, very end then I might read them all. I started on the Potters at Book 4 and had YEARS of waiting for resolution to the plot. I am not a good wait-er. But I do like yummy brain-candy from time to time, you know, in between Tolstoy and McConkie and other meaty stuff.

4:49 PM
Amanda said...

I also made up a Breaking Dawn story for my family. All of the women have read it (of course). In my version, Bella leaves Edward for Jacob then Jacob bonds with someone else and Edward won't take her back. It would be just what Bella deserves! Hahaha.

2:49 PM
Col.Smeag said...

I predict in this version Homer will be the blood thirsty vampire that has vowed only to eat Doughnuts and Hot Dogs that are at least 3 weeks old from the kwiki mart. I also predict that Barry Husein Obama plays the town chief of police that can't get the lid off the jar (it's just too close to the real thing ya know).

1:35 PM

ditto what melinda said. because I'm lazy. LOL
now I'm off to read your other Twilight posts, since I hadn't seen them before...

3:07 PM
Sara said...

So You are one of the funniest people that I have read on the BLOG WORLD. I have been reading all your blogs about the Twilight series. Yes I have already ordered my copy of Breaking Dawn (months ago) But I can honestly say that I am not wrapped into it like others are. IT IS A BOOK!
My husband just finished reading them yesterday and his statment was, "they are good books and I see why you enjoy them but why are some women so totally obsessed?" I am now going to show him your blog to answer those questions. Thanks for the laugh so early in the morning.

5:02 AM
JonnieAngel said...

*hang my head in shame*

I'm going to be at one of the parties in Provo. Wish me luck!

My mom is watching my six year old for me. I'm staying the night at her house and will need to have the book read by the crack of dawn.

Since I'm much too old to pull an all-nighter, I need to plan out my Saturday, scheduling the intermissions around intravenous injections of double shot espresso.

I'm so stinkin excited!

Love your blog, BTW. Very funny.

5:45 PM
Paola said...

(Side note: Can you imagine how insane Barnes & Noble will be in some parts of the country [read: Utah] when Breaking Dawn is released? Don't be surprised if it resembles the bi-annual Filene's Basement Running of the Brides wedding dress stampede. My conservative estimate is that 143 B&N Associates will be killed and another 815 injured.
I will get to see first hand how insane Barnes & noble would be in southern utah.

11:47 AM
Shelle said...

Hey NMH! I have a huge problem. All my family is coming into town this weekend for my sons blessing on August 3rd. Do, I read all day Saturday and forget visiting with family or do I wait until Sunday evening when everyones is gone and pray that one of my YW (I'm the Pres)assuming all my YW have stayed up all night finishing Breaking Dawn and try their very best to not whisper so loudley that I can hear what becomes of Bella???
When talking to my dear hubby about this, the only thing he could ask me was, What would Jesus Do? Men, they're no help!

12:00 AM
Heather said...

Don't worry Julie, I'm Jon-Michael's wife, and I've already determined that it is not cool to ignore my husband on our anniversary. :) Not to mention that we, like Shelle, will be blessing our 6 week-old son that Sunday. (And I can't go without much more sleep than I already am with a newborn!) Being Primary pres, I'm not concerned that the kids will be blurting out the ending like she is in YW, but that I might hear it from some of my teachers...In the mean time, I will content myself with wearing a super awesome home-made t-shirt to a midnight release party and speculating on the truth of NMH's version of Breaking Dawn!

1:52 PM
gabbernut said...

okay heres the deal your a male and so is edward and so you feel inferior to him because evryone knows if edward really existed the husbands of the world would be left in a ditch somewere while every girl in the world made a stampede towards the hottie rich compassionte vampire so ALL of you males out the who are jealous of edward get over it HE IS THE PERFECT MALE THAT NONE OF YOU WILL EVERY BE. edward is so gorgeous

12:51 PM
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12:52 PM