Breaking Dawn: The Spoof - Part I

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Chapter 1: Engaged

Fortunately for me, this chapter is already available to the public. Below are excerpts of the Widipedia summary:
The chapter starts off a few days before the wedding while Edward is off hunting. Bella is driving a new flashy sports car, a Mercedes-Benz s600 Guardian, that Edward has given her. Bella calls Seth Clearwater to ask how Jacob is doing and learns that Jacob has remained in his wolf form for weeks. Jacob is somewhere in Northern Canada and that he is not coming home. Bella sulks with this knowledge and then has recollections of the night when she told Charlie about her engagement. When Bella had finally plucked up the courage to tell her father, Charlie automatically assumed Bella was pregnant, and laughed hysterically when he realized how Bella's mother would react. When Bella comes home Alice is fitting Charlie into his tuxedo for the wedding, and states that it is Bella's turn. While she is being fitted by Alice, Bella goes to her "happy place" to think about her love for Edward and how wonderful their honeymoon will be.

Chapter 2: Hoops
Jacob, still heartbroken over Bella, is licking his wounds, both literally and figuratively, in Canada. After listening to nothing but The Cure and watching Lifetime original programming for six straight days, he concocts one last, desperate plan to win Bella’s affection. Because there are only two things to do on The Rez – namely werewolf stuff and playing basketball - Jacob has developed a killer jump shot over the years. He has also continued his abnormal growth spurt by adding another several inches to his height and now stands an impressive 6 foot 11. With his superhuman athleticism, gigantic height and deadly three-point range, Jacob decides to return to La Push and try out for the high school basketball team. Since he could not win Bella by being a caring, fun-loving, selfless, supportive friend, Jacob decides to get his girl the time-tested way - by becoming a self-absorbed, shallow high school athlete!


Chapter 3: Broken
Standing in the bride’s dressing room at Forks’ only wedding/reception hall, Bella cannot believe that the day of her wedding to Edward has finally arrived. Now that Bella is eighteen and will soon be properly married she can FINALLY consummate things with Edward in a way that cannot be described by using the words, “statutory”, “predatory”, “indecent” or “liberties.” As Bella admires her wedding dress in a full-length mirror, she sees her father, Charlie, enter the room. After practicing for several weeks, Charlie is finally prepared to express just how much he loves his daughter. Looking Bella straight in the eyes Charlie says, “Bells…uh…I, well…mmmm.. today…uuhhh…you…errrr….guhhh….ummmm…duhhhh…wedding.” Bella, touched at the most coherent an emotionally in-touch statement Charlie has ever made, places her arm in her dad’s as he leads her out of the dressing room and into the wedding chapel. Bella’s eyes immediately lock on to Edward’s burning, liquid, amber eyes as he gazes down at her from the groom’s spot at the front of the room. Her heart is racing and her thoughts are a blur as she he proceeds down the aisle. Bella is so focused on Edward’s hunky-hunky hotness that she forgets to dedicate enough mental energy to walking in heels. Being as coordinated as a newborn giraffe, Bella loses her balance and falls, fracturing her ankle. Instead of exchanging vows, Bella is rushed to the ER for surgery. Moments before going under anesthesia, Bella hears one of the doctors jokingly refer to her as the “Limp Away Bride”. Bella makes a mental note to kill him immediately after Edward turns her into a vampire.


Chapter 4: Politics
Since Bella cannot walk for the next four weeks, she and Edward spend most of every day talking and kissing on the couch at Bella’s house. They have the following exchange about twenty times each day:

Bella: "Let's make out."

Edward: "Okay, but that's as far as it goes."

Bella: (After several minutes of passionate kissin) "Let's break the Law of Chastity!!!!!!!"

Edward: "I would accidentally kill you if we did."

Bella: "I don't care!"

Edward: "Too bad. Can we please get back to watching The Revolution on The History Channel now?"

Bella: "Why are you so serious all the time?"

During a commercial break, an “Obama for President” ad comes on the TV. Bella’s face lights up as Barak preaches hope and change. As a young, counterculture, minimum-wage earning, compassionate, environmentally-friendly Washingtonian, Bella is a huge Obama supporter. Edward, on the other hand, is an old, rich, conservative white guy who supports McCain. After the commercial ends Bella says, “I am so happy to be old enough to vote so that I can help get Obama elected.” Horrified, Edward gasps, “You’re a liberal?” and then goes on a five-minute rant as to why Obama is completely unqualified to be Commander in Chief. Deeply hurt, Bella yells, “Stop regurgitating Sean Hannity’s talking points to me! How in the world could you support McCain, anyway? He’s just a third term for Bush!” Edward then tells Bella that he used to go to summer camp with McCain in the 1910’s and considers him a personal friend. Angered, Edward rushes out of the house, leaving Bella in tears and doubtful about their future together…


Chapter 5: Waterworks
Bella does nothing but cry, wail, moan and question the point of her existence without Edward. This goes on for about 34 pages.


Chapter 6: Fatherhood
Charlie can sense that Bella is depressed, but he does not know how to help. One day he decides to cheer her up by making her hot dogs for dinner. Unable to figure out how to use the microwave or the stove, Charlie attempts to cook the hot dogs by holding them next to the blow drier. When Bella sees his what he is doing, she tells him that he needs to put them in boiling water. Confused, Charlie heads to the bathroom and points the blow drier at the toilet bowl. A completely frustrated Bella yells that Charlie is, “the worst dad ever!” and runs off crying. Charlie vows in that moment to learn to become a better parent, so he turns on the TV to find examples of fathers who are heavily involved in the lives of their children. After watching an all-night The Simpsons and Married With Children marathon, Charlie has learned the secret to effective fatherhood from Homer and Al Bundy. The secret, he concludes, is what a dad does with his hands. Borrowing from Al Bundy, Charlie casually slides his right hand below the waist of his jeans. He then practices hitting himself in the head with his left hand while yelling, “D’oh!”


Chapter 7: Old Friends
Aro, head of the Volturi, looks at his Franklin Day Planner “To Do” list and updates its status. “Kill mob of innocent tourists? Check. Mail mom’s birthday card? Check. Rotate the tires on the bat mobile? Check. Make sure Bella Swan has been changed into a vampire? Pending.” Aro summons his strongest Volturi fighters and tells them to pack their bags to visit the Cullen clan and warns them that it could lead to a fight. He then reminds each of them that any liquids and gels over 3 ounces need to be checked, while items under three ounces can be carried on if they are in clear plastic bags. The strongest members of the Volturi each pack their bags and board the plane to Forks…


Chapter 8: Chicken
A discarded copy of the Forks Daily Herald newspaper gets blown onto a free-range chicken farm on the outskirts of Forks. While all of the chickens scatter to get out of the way of the paper, one of them steps forward and grabs it out of the air with one quick stab of his razor-sharp talon. This chicken is unlike any other. This chicken has a name, Pluckie, which was given to him many, many years ago by the man who once nearly ended his life. Back in 1920’s this man had snuck onto the farm and grabbed the chicken without warning. But instead of frying the bird up for dinner, the man looked Pluckie square in the eyes and said, “I don’t know why I plucked you from the bunch, but I’m sorry, Pluckie.” The man then closed his eyes and said, “No more people. No more human blood. Be strong. You can do this, Edward, you can do this” and then sunk his razor-sharp vampire teeth into Pluckie’s neck. The moment the fangs entered his neck, however, Farmer Johnson appeared with a shotgun and started firing at the intruder. Startled, Edward dropped the chicken’s half-dead body to the ground. When Pluckie awoke the next morning, he quickly realized that the vampire bite had caused him to become an undead murderous chicken. Since that day his only purpose in life has been to track down this “Edward” and get revenge. As Pluckie looked at the newspaper article, he saw a headline announcing the “Cullen-Swan” wedding. The moment the chicken saw the engagement photo, he instantly recognized Edward’s face. With a tenacious, murderous look in his eye, Pluckie begins his vengeful flight toward Forks...


Chapter 9: Feds
“I’ve got it! I found the case that will make my career!” announces officer Rock Hardcastle, lead investigator of the Securities and Exchange Commission. The ambitious Hardcastle has plans to one day move from his SEC post into the governor’s mansion, and then ultimately end up in the White House. The only thing he is missing is a widely publicized investigation that will show him as a hero and get his name in the public eye. After all, it worked for Elliott Spitzer. Hardcastle had been monitoring the suspicious stock trading patterns of an Edward Cullen who seems to have an uncanny ability to buy a stock a few days before an enormous increase in value and then sell it the next day, making millions in the process. Edward's sister, Alice, has the ability to see into the future and advises Edward on which stocks to buy, so his investments always immediately skyrocked in value. Rock concludes that Edward is the head of the largest insider trading ring in the history of the United States. Convinced that this investigation and arrest will vault him into national prominence, Rock Hardcastle boards a plane to Forks…

Will Edward and Bella's relationship make it? Will Jacob be successful in his bid to win Bella's affection by pulling his best Kobe Bryant impersonation? Will Pluckie get his revenge? Will Bella become a vampire before the Volturi arrive? Will Rock Hardcastle get a well-publicized perp walk? Check back later this week for Part II....

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92 comments

Claire said...

Oh my gosh! You are a GENIUS!! Pluckie is my favourite new character. Great writing. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for installment two.

10:18 PM
Angela said...

I always knew Edward would be a conservative. (dreamy sigh)

10:29 PM
Amanda said...

Stephenie Meyer who? You hit it out of the ballpark. I even read it aloud to my husband. He cackled and said... "See! Edward isn't perfect. He's a conservative."

10:35 PM
Ang said...

Even though I've only read book one, I can tell that everything you've written is EXACTLY WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Especially the chicken part. And the politics part. And the cooking hot dogs with a blow-dryer part. Do you have a secret correspondence with one Ms. Meyer???

6:38 AM
Emily said...

I love it! The hot dog scene is my favorite part.

7:22 AM
Col.Smeag said...

I cried right along with Bella during Chapter 5:the water works I was so touched that emotion could last fro 34 pages.

7:57 AM
Laura said...

That was very enjoyable, thank you! Gives me something to read while I wait for the real book hehe.

9:07 AM
Julie said...

Ow!!! The laughing... it hurts! I am going to be quoting, "Uhhh... durrrr... wedding," all day! Has an agent called you yet? ;)

9:19 AM
Jessica said...

My aunt directed me to your blog and I just have to tell you that this post was very therapeutic for a crazed woman waiting for all these answers! Very well done and THANK YOU!!!!!

10:05 AM

yay for Pluckie!
Thanks for the chuckle.

oh, and ang: That would "Sister" Meyer. ;)

10:35 AM
Alyssa said...

GIMME MORE!! GIMME MORE!! I feel lke I'm reading the books all over again and can't put them down.

"Let's breadk the law of chastity!"

"Edward then tells Bella that he used to go to summer camp with McCain in the 1910’s and considers him a personal friend."

"Rock concludes that Edward is the head of the largest insider trading ring in the history of the United States."-->I'm surprised it took Rock so long to catch on in the first place.

All classic hilarity. I'm grateful to you for giving me a way to get through this stressful week of waiting for Breaking Dawn.

11:10 AM
Emily said...

Oh this is good! Too bad that Stephenie Meyer came up with the idea first...you could have made a fortune!

2:41 PM
Anonymous said...

Okay, when Edward said he went to camp with John McCain, I literally died laughing. I'm serious, my lungs popped, and I choked and died from laughing so hard. If I didn't love your blog so much, I would try you for murder, but I can't anyways, since I'm dead. I'll congradulate you in heaven for your awesomeness! (Unless Edward comes and bites me before I'm actually)
Spot on! Can't wait for the rest!

3:24 PM
Chari said...

That was really funny! The McCain thing was the greatest and I voted for Pluckie the chicken. He did not disappoint. Can't wait for the next installment.

3:28 PM
Mo said...

And my husband said that Breaking Dawn (twilight) is full of annoying romantic cliches and irritating lead characters. Can't wait for the next installment.

3:52 PM
Anonymous said...

OMG that was sooooo funny!! now i have more stuff to wait for!! lol those arent the real chapter names, are they?

4:18 PM
Anonymous said...

OMG that was sooooo funny!! now i have more stuff to wait for!! lol those arent the real chapter names, are they?

4:18 PM
Anonymous said...

OMG that was sooooo funny!! now i have more stuff to wait for!! lol those arent the real chapter names, are they?

4:18 PM
Anonymous said...

LMbacksideO! HAHAHA, thanks! :-D

4:22 PM
Anonymous said...

LMFAO! I found a link to this at the twilight lexicon, and OMG... the vampire chicken, the new jacob, Aro's "day planer" list... I litteraly fell out of my chair laughing! Hilarious, dude :D

4:48 PM
Anonymous said...

hahaha -that was hilarious! "Let's break the law of chastity" I loved it!

5:11 PM
Katie Beth said...

Oh MAN. I'm definitely a TwiHard and I love Edward, but that had me rolling. In fact, I'm still recovering.

5:19 PM
wellyhurricane said...

Chapter 5 looks like such a drag... why did it have to echo New Moon? :(

5:28 PM
Chela85 said...

hahahahahahaha that was hilarious!!! My favorite part was Charlie at the wedding hahahaha, that was great. Then their political differences...haha. can you just hurry up and become famous so the whole world can know about this??

5:40 PM

LOL! Seriously. LOL!

5:56 PM
twilighttwitch said...

I'm collapsing in fits of laughter over here...

This is by far some of the funniest speculation I've ever read. Especially the hot dogs/hair dryer part. Good night in the morning...

5:57 PM
Storm said...

rofl That was great! Can't wait for Part II!

6:02 PM
Alba said...

Oh my god. I bet Stephenie is sitting there right now screaming "How could he guess the whole plot?" between sobs. And chapter five "waterworks" brought tears to my eyes. It's amazing it lasted 34 pages. And the hot dog. First I though Bella would be upset because of the recemblance with Jacob. But then I understood that the Hot dog couldn't have looked like Jacob, because it was furless. I find it very good that Charlie finally learned some proper parenthood. And I'll be staying tuned for Pluckie's next move. ^^ Btw, Loved the limp away bride scene XD

6:10 PM
Lissete said...

WOW! You are hilarious. This is how the fourth book should go. lol. I can't wait for part 2!

6:20 PM
sophie said...

ahahahaha you should incorporate all the bd quotes of the day

6:23 PM
Justin B. said...

You are awesome; Thanks for providing Twilight fans with such a well written parody. Can't wait for part two!!

6:23 PM
Meg said...

Classic! Keep it up! I wish my normal mormon husband would read twilight!

6:24 PM
Anonymous said...

Haha. That was really cool!
Edward a conservative? Awesome!
I died laughing when I read how Charlie was at the wedding!

7:07 PM
iwalkalone92 said...

LMFAO, that was hilarious. Maybe you should write the book instead!! Loved the chapters 2, 4, 5, 7, they were awesome.

7:17 PM
Muffy said...

*gigglesnort*
OOhh my gosh. That was hilarious. lols the funny thing is that it's obvious that you know the story quite well, and that's why the spoofiness is so funny!! I'll be watching out for the second half... and my money's on Pluckie too :DD

7:27 PM
Anonymous said...

I instantly called my 14 yo daughter up and read this to her, when I wasn't laughing so hard my sides were splitting! Thanks so much, that was great. Looking forward to the next installment!

7:35 PM
Suzee said...

omg...I love your BD! you're hilarious! =)
i could not stop laughing!

7:44 PM
Marisol said...

"Being as coordinated as a newborn giraffe" I almost fell off my chair with this sentence... :D love it!!! can't wait for the second part *sigh*

7:49 PM
Gina said...

Just found your blog - hilarious! Loved John McCain at camp, limp-away bride, 34 pages of crying, Pluckie, and Aro giving advice on how to pack liquids! Can't wait for the rest!

7:55 PM
normal mormon wife said...

I thought the Charlie comments were the best. Cracking me up, babe. I'll be watching caller ID for publishing companies and keep you posted.

8:00 PM
Georgia said...

This is the best ever! I was dying in Chapter 4 and 6... brilliant :)

8:18 PM
Maria said...

Chapter 5 is my fave! LOL

8:30 PM
go boo boo said...

That was great.

8:47 PM
Shroutys said...

Very well done. I was very pleased to see that Edward is a conservative...maybe that will get Bella out of the picture for good and give me a chance. I'm on the edge of my seat about to pee my pants because I can't wait to find out what will happen with Pluckie, the Volturi, and Rock. Have you ever thought about getting published??

8:53 PM
Anonymous said...

hahhaha
GENIUS
pluckie is the best part
loved it
and im a huge fan of the book
not insulting at all
thank you thank you
for that amazing bit of laughter

9:17 PM
missreiter said...

Ha, ha! That was great! Am I allowed to circulate this? My whole house is sleeping so I had to clamp both hands over my mouth for the duration of my readings. (laughs uncontrollably for a bit longer) 96 hours left for Breaking Dawn by the way!

9:58 PM
Kevin said...

Moments before going under anesthesia, Bella hears one of the doctors jokingly refer to her as the “Limp Away Bride”. Bella makes a mental note to kill him immediately after Edward turns her into a vampire.



Hilarious, Just hilarious. Seriously comic gold!

10:16 PM
Tash said...

lol that was awesome...i couldnt stop laughing! cant wait till part II!=D

1:01 AM
Anonymous said...

That was HILARIOUS! Pluckie and "Let's break the Law of Chastity" and everything-- pure genius!

1:37 AM
Anonymous said...

very very funny!!!!
CANT WAIT FOR PART 2!!!!
your gonna become famous (among twilighters) because of this blog!
hurry up and write part 2!!!!

3:35 AM
Abby O. said...

OME! I LOVE it! Can't wait 'till the next installment. So funny so good, you should think about becoming an author. That would be great!

6:04 AM
bioman75 said...

yes #52!

I was thinking I was the one lone male fan until I saw Kevin comment.

Anyway here hoping for an epic battle between Pluckie and Edward read: Anakin and Obi-wan. That would be awesome; some collateral damage could help move the story along too.

I don't for what my wife is more anxiously waiting the real book or the Meyer's story :)

Good luck with volume #2.

7:28 AM
Kathy said...

OMG! This is hilarious! You should be writing your own books! (Heck, this is my first time here. You may be doing that already! LOL) I can't wait to read the next installment!

7:30 AM
Muggle Mom said...

that was absolutely HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! great writing!

8:35 AM
Sandy said...

Awesome! I'm still laughing out loud about Edward going to summer camp with McCain. Classic.

8:40 AM

Wow, It is a good thing you didn't write Twilight. My Dad does that kind of joking, like saying Little "out"house on the prairie.

9:33 AM
Meghan said...

Pluckie had my mom and I cracking up!!!!! Also, the Jacob becoming a basketball star and their argument about politics was funny. Bella fracturing her ankle is very believable and I laughed at her anger towards the doctor and his nickname. Can't wait for Part 2! :)

9:42 AM
Becky said...

I must admit, there was a lot of very unladylike snorting going on as I read this post. Thanks for the pick-me-up! :)

9:58 AM
Sue said...

Topaz. His eyes are Topaz.

Genius.

10:38 AM

Oh, the chicken is good. Why are there always chickens in Twilight spoofs?

11:20 AM
Paola said...

o.m.e.!! this is soo funny. I loved the part about the volturi check list. hilarious!!!!

11:30 AM
bon said...

MAH hahahahahaaaaa! Wait till I read this to Dadguy!

12:36 PM
Ms ♥ Isabella said...

Funny stuff.

1:00 PM
Anonymous said...

Bella is NINETEEN!!! For heaven's sake, do a little RESEARCH!

That was seriously awesome, though. Truly. The next thing that has to happen is Jacob has to imprint with Plucky. That would be sweet.

3:10 PM
Tiger Lily said...

I knew E.C. was RIGHT on! Maybe Bella will get over her "yes we can" attitude before November. McCain and Edward summer camp buddies (pure genious), Charlie's cooking antics (hilarious), oh...and Pluckie (okay, I'll admit it... there is just something sexy about a cold, mysterious, 100 year old vampire Chicken. O.M.P. I <3 Pluckie!!! so hawt!) Fun Blog, I was sent here by twilightlexiconblog.com :)You are officially a twilighter!

3:18 PM
Anonymous said...

OME! That was soo hilarious! Usually i dont like spoof movies or books, but this had me laughing till i was crying! i never thought Edward would be a McCain fan.....Anways cant wait till part 2! TEAM EDWARD!!!!

3:21 PM
The Benfield's said...

This is seriously the funniest crap I have ever read! Seriously! Thanks, man, you made my day.

3:47 PM
Kimberly said...

Bwahahahahah!

That was too funny!

4:13 PM
Lauren said...

Hahaha. Wow, that was amazing. 'nuff said.

5:35 PM
K said...

Huh-larious! You've been added to my Reader account now! Limp Away Bride is pure genius.

7:51 PM

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT! I'm going to make a link to it in my blog - I don't know who you are, but you're awesome!

10:42 PM
Anonymous said...

om freaking G!!!! that was sooooo hilarious, i'm not sure what my favorite part was even. keep writing!

11:18 PM
Heidi and Jason said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in a while! It takes a lot to make me laugh out loud... so now it's The Office and the Breaking Dawn Spoof!

8:43 AM
AZ Allreds said...

Forget buying the book -- I'll just wait for your installments...I always need a good laugh and not another thriller/romance novel. Thanks for the tears...the good kind.

9:38 AM
Roxanne said...

Ok so here I was at work, bored out of my mind and then I find this! This definitly made my day and Im definitly adding you to my blog list! :D Your point of view on things is absolutly hilarious! And you include little random details here and there that demonstrates that you are a true Twilight 'connaisseur'. I loved Chapter 5, its so Bella! I cant wait to read more!!!

12:46 PM
Anonymous said...

Dude, one of the funniest lines I've read EVER!! I'm still laughing.

"Simon then says, "Right. Okay, Edward. Here's the thing. You're a good-looking kid who has probably skated by your entire life on your good looks. But you're a terrible singer. When you said you were a vampire I thought you might try to suck our blood. Turns out, you just sucked."

9:45 AM
Tiff & Jon said...

My friend linked me to your site, and let me tell you, that is really hilarious!

12:17 PM
Evelyn said...

Oh my!! The hot dog expression of fatherly love!! I snorted loudly from laughter in my calm and quiet office....I think my coworkers suspect that I am having too much fun in the office!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I can't wait for the next installment!

12:59 PM
bettingonpluckie said...

I am making a Pluckie t-shirt!!

11:02 AM
Ill said...

Pluckie the chicken is absolutely amazing! I'm in love with a barnyard-vampire animal!

11:43 AM
Millie said...

Just... wow. Dude, you're my new spoof hero.

10:34 AM
Amber J. said...

HIL-AR-I-OUS!!! I greatly thank my dear friend (You know who you are!) For finding this! I love spoofs and especially love them if they include my favoriote charectors!!!

8:02 PM
Anonymous said...

OMG EARLY RELEASE OF THE BOOK ONLINE!
This is seriously the best book I've ever read. wow. =]

10:54 AM
Jenn said...

I laughed so hard at this that I actually made a loud snorting noise. LOL!!!!! That doesn't happen often!! lol

My fav. part is with Aro and his FRANKLN DAY PLANNER! lol The whole to do list and the instructions about what to do with liquids and gels.

Now to read your other spoofs to catch up!

12:38 AM
Darth Buttercup said...

Very funny.
However, as awesome as Pluckie is, as a biology fanatic, it just doesn't work. Birds are part of a completely different subsection of Animalia than mammals. And mammals are the only thing I've ever ever ever heard of a vampire drinking from. Having them drink chicken's blood is almost as absurd as having them drink fishy blood. But it does make for a great spoof!
I personally made a prediction about Bella's pregnancy. I almost started laughing hysterically when I was as right as I was.

7:45 PM
Anonymous said...

Go Pluckie!!!!
This is awesome.

6:58 PM
Anonymous said...

this is great. hilarious. Post installment two now, or I'll die if I don't laugh!!!!

i luv pluckie!!!!!!!!!

6:59 AM
Anonymous said...

this is hilarious. props. i laughed out loud so much

3:28 PM
Katie said...

You are HILARIOUS!

5:18 PM
Anonymous said...

Much better than the real Breaking Dawn :)

11:29 PM
Wendi said...

I laughed out loud over the cooking hot dogs with a blow-dryer part. :D

5:53 AM
Violet said...

TEAM PLUCKIE !!!

7:49 PM