Breaking Dawn: The Spoof - Part II

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Chapter 10: Hero
Meanwhile, Jacob has returned home to La Push and has led the high school basketball team into the state finals. With his size, speed, and power, nobody can guard him. After averaging 41 points and 23 rebounds a game, Jacob is projected to be an NBA lottery pick. Following the “Maybe Bella will be attracted to an egotistical jock” routine, Jacob now sports two diamond studded earrings, a gold chain with a bling-bling $ sign, a “Baller-4-Life” tattoo, and only refers to himself in the third person. After hearing about Bella and Edward’s fight, he decides to make his move and calls Bella to invite her to the championship game.

Bella: “Hello?”
Jacob: “Yo. Jacob Black wants to know if you want to come watch Jacob Black win the state title on Friday night.”
Bella: “Jacob?”
Jacob: “Yo.”
Bella: “What were you asking?”
Jacob: “Juss’ wantin’ to see if this fly little shortie wants to join the J-Black posse. You frontin’?”
Bella: “Huh?”
Jacob: “Will you please come watch my game on Friday?”
Bella: “Sure.”

Bella goes to the state championship game and is delighted to see Michael J. Fox in attendance as he wraps up filming, “Family Ties: The Aftermath”, in Forks. But Jacob's game is not going well. After picking up four quick, cheap fouls, Jacob is on the bench and irate. Once he gets into the game, Jacob leads an incredible fourth quarter comeback and has the chance to win the game on the last possession. As he drives to the hoop he gets fouled repeatedly, but the horrible refs do not make any calls. Jacob, no longer able to control his anger, bursts into his werewolf form and throws down a game winning buzzer-beater dunk. The crowd is too shocked at the sight of the huge werewolf standing before them to do anything but stare. Jacob, thinking quickly, picks up the PA microphone and says, “I’m not a werewolf, suckas! You’ve been punk’d! Holla, MTV!” The crowd is now euphoric for not only being state champions, but for also ending up on a reality show. Students rush the floor and hoist Jacob onto their shoulders to carry him off the court. As they do, Jacob makes eye contact with Bella, winks at her, and then gives her the So You Think You Can Dance “For Real” salute. Bella catches herself smiling and blushing and realizes how much she still cares for Jacob. While the crowd cheers, a seething Michael J. Fox calls his attorney and says, “Get a lawsuit ready. They just ripped off Teen Wolf!”

Chapter 11: Phone
After several days of soul searching, Edward has decided that he loves Bella despite their differing political views. Edward, being a multi-millionarie, figures that once Bella understands Obama’s stance on capital gains taxes that she will quickly convert to the Republican party, so their political difference will only be short term. Holding a large bouquet of Bella’s favorite flowers, Edward sneaks into her house to surprise her, apologize, and make out….I mean make up...with her. But the phone rings before he can speak with Bella. Edward sees on the caller ID that the call is coming from Jacob Black’s house. Being an obsessive, jealous boyfriend (or an “involved, protective” boyfriend, depending on your point of view), Edward eavesdrops on Bella’s side of the conversation. He hears Bella say, “Ooooh, you’re so sweet!”, “Well, I’m having cold feet right now”, “He’s so serious all the time”, “We are pretty different people”, and “You are a lot more fun than he is.”

Edward, assuming that Bella is speaking to Jacob, is devastated. He writes an anguished letter to Bella stating that he can tell that she is having doubts about the wedding, and so is he. Edward reaffirms his love for her, but says that he feels they should delay the wedding for now. He says he understands if she wants to see other people while as they reassess their relationship. Edward then quietly escapes the house in tears.

In reality, Bella was speaking on the phone with Jacob’s dad, Billy, who was being “so sweet” by planning a surprise birthday party for Charlie. Bella’s “cold feet” were the result of the ice packs she needs to keep on her broken ankle in order to keep the swelling down, not that she was having second thoughts about the wedding. She was also referring to her dad being “serious”, “different than her”, and “not as fun”. Bella was never talking about Edward. In fact, she is still incredibly desirous to consumat….er, get married and become a vampire. But unbeknownst to Bella, Edward’s heart has just been broken by the misunderstood conversation.

Chapter 12: Waterworks II
Edward does nothing but cry, wail, moan and question the point of his existence without Bella. This goes on for about 29 pages.

Chapter 13: Waterworks III
After reading Edwards letter about postponing the wedding and “seeing other people”, Bella does nothing but cry, wail, moan and question the point of her existence without Edward. This goes on for about 41 pages.

Charlie hears Bella crying and goes to her room and tries to speak with her through the door. When Bella screams, “Go away! You’re making it worse! Leave me alone!” Charlie responds by smacking himself in the forehead and yelling, “D’oh!”

Chapter 14: Posse
After not speaking with Edward for several days, Bella decides to make him jealous by going on a date with Jacob. After all, she still has some feelings for Jacob and he has always been a true, loyal friend. Bella drives to Jacob’s home in La Push and waits for him to arrive. While Jacob had initially decided to be an egotistical, arrogant jock to lure Bella back to him, his new persona has attracted girls from all over the world. He has realized that there are plenty of girls out there who will not repeatedly dump him for a disgusting vampire, so he has moved on and is no longer interested in Bella. Bella hears Jacob’s chromed-out Escalade blasting a Young Jeezy song long before it pulls into the driveway where the following conversation ensues:

Jacob: “’Sup?”
Bella: “Jacob, I came to apologize to you for the way I have treated you.”
Jacob: “True dat.”
Bella: “You’re a great friend and I still have some strong feelings for you.”
Jacob: “Holla.”
Bella: “Jacob, before I go any further with Edward, I have to make sure that I am not in love with you. You have always been so kind and caring. I’m just not sure I am ready to let you go.”
Jacob: “Shortie, stop ya playin’! You coulda had Jacob Black too many times to be straight frontin’ right now, recognize? You disrespected Jacob Black, and Jacob Black has moved on, yo. Jacob Black is an NBA lottery pick, foo’, and Jacob Black can get any shortie that Jacob Black wants. Last thing Jacob Black needs is yo’ pity. Fo’ real.”
Bella: “What?”
Jacob: “You hurt me too many times before. I do not want to pursue a relationship with you.”

Bella, confronted by the reality of losing both Jacob and Edward, cries for the next 63 pages.

Chapter 15: Cool
Edward, fearing that he may lose Bella to Jacob, is now desperate to prove that he can be as fun, spontaneous and hip. To surprise Bella, Edward decides to do what every cool teenager does – try out for American Idol. During his visit, Edward decides to be honest and tells the producer that he is a 107-year-old vampire. When he gets before the judges, Simon says, "It says here that you are a 107 year old vampire. Not the first freak we’ve seen today. Let's get this over with." In a twist of irony, Edward sings Def Lepord's "Love Bites", but the judges are unimpressed. Randy says, "Yo, yo, yo, that was horrible, dawg!" A jealous, angry Edward roars back at Randy, "I'm not the dog, Jacob's the dog! Whose side are you on, Randy?" Paula, who appears inebriated, gives it her best shot with, " are a cute...thing...but singing is, you know,'s like a tugboat pulling a truck...water...Twinkie..." and then passes out mid-sentence.

Simon then says, "Right. Okay, Edward. Here's the thing. You're a good-looking kid who has probably skated by your entire life on your good looks. But you're a terrible singer. When you said you were a vampire I thought you might try to suck our blood. Turns out, you just sucked. Sorry." Enraged, Edward goes to attack Simon and Randy, but as he moves toward the table he catches a whiff of Paula’s blood. The noxious mixture of collagen, formaldehyde and Jack Daniels repulses Edward and causes him to flee in shame. As he runs home he ponders what he overheard Bella say on the phone and begins to think that maybe he is, in fact, too serious and too stuffy to marry an immature teen-aged girl.

Chapter 16: Sunny
Edward is still confused about his uncertain relationship with Bella. He rationalizes that since Bella is flirting with Jacob, he should be able to do the same with other women. Entering a roadside café, Edward notices a cute girl and offers to buy her a cup of coffee. She introduces herself as Sunny, and the two of them sit at the bar and talk for hours. They have an incredible amount in common and even finish each other’s sentences. As day turns to night, both Edward and Sunny mention they are hiding deep, dark secrets. Edward shares his secret that he is a vampire. Sunny reveals that she is actually a small, silver parasitic alien that has been implanted into a host body to remain alive. When they realize they are both characters from Stephenie Meyer novels, they quickly say their good-byes before Breaking Dawn turns into a horrible crossover story like “The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones." As he heads home, Edward realizes that while he enjoyed his time with Sunny, she could never hold a candle to Bella. Realizing that he is about to let the love of his life to slip through his fingers, Edward races home to scoop up Bella and marry her on the spot!

Chapter 17: Convergence
Meanwhile, the forces of evil have all arrived in Forks and are prepared to go after Bella and Edward. The Volturi have learned that Bella is still human, and they are prepared to punish the Cullen clan for going back on their word. Pluckie, the murderous undead chicken, is hiding out in the forest sharpening his beak and talons in preparation for his fight to the death with Edward. Rock Hardcastle of the SEC is busy having his hair done so that he can look good in the perp walk photos and media interviews. They are each keeping surveillance on the Cullen house waiting for the right moment to strike. Little do they know, the perfect opportunity is about to present itself…

Check back for the dramatic conclusion on Friday...

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I liked the Host part twisted in there.

8:50 PM
Kim said...

I love this spoof! Jacob acting ridiculously ghetto was too hilarious for words. Are you going to continue it? I hope you do. :)

8:56 PM
Niki said...

OMGosh, this has me rolling! LOVE IT!

Pluckie the undead chicken is an especially nice touch.

9:03 PM
Jessica said...

As good as the first part, maybe even better.... I really enjoyed your version of Jacob Black! Keep it coming..... PLEASE!

9:14 PM
Claire said...

Funny, funny, funny!! I love it. Jacob's new found ghetto-ness is fantastic. And I LOVE chapter 15. Dead on. You are doing a great job. Have you thought about publishing this? I'd buy it! :D

9:25 PM
Anonymous said...

ahh i love the ghetto jacob black
your humor amuses me =D
probably one of the funniest parodies of a book of twilight ive read

9:35 PM
K said...

Jacob Black is no foo'! Word.

9:56 PM
Anonymous said...

dude that was frigin hilarious

10:36 PM
Anonymous said...

wow. that was soooooo funny! i loved the Jacob's ghetto talk, and the part about the host! good stuff, is more coming?

11:27 PM
Anonymous said...

Awesome! Thank you so much for the great laugh!!!

11:32 PM
Anonymous said...

This spoof was hilarious. Especially now that the REAL Breaking Dawn is only days away we twilighters need something to help us pass the time with. Thanks.

11:32 PM
Shelle said...

This was the bomb. My favorite was the political chapter. I would of guessed Edward to be a liberal. Don't they have more "blood sucking attorny's" running their party? I will post a link to your post about this post, and we can all be post happy!

12:05 AM
Shineah said...

Ha ha, I LOVED the American Idols part -- you rock. More of this please... and soon! :)

4:14 AM
Sarah said...

This had me crying tears of laughter - I love all the basketball trash talk!

5:52 AM
bioman75 said...

Great post but I need more Pluckie.

6:40 AM
alyssa said...

Beautiful. Love the AI part. Dead-on. And Sunny was a nice twist.

6:52 AM
Col.Smeag said...

After Crying with Edawrd and Bella through waterworks II & III I had to smile when Charlie sadi "D'OH!" then I cried some more. It was beautiful.

7:53 AM
Paola said...

great post, I particularly loved the host cameo, this is hilarious.

8:05 AM
Anonymous said...

to say the least, I'm crying (balling) laughing. Brilliant !

8:28 AM
Anonymous said...

its good but not a great as the first part

8:52 AM
Jewels said...

I haven't laughed so hard for ages. While I LOVE the Twilight series I have to say your version could actually happen. haha. Thanks!

9:49 AM
Sandy said...

I'm totally LOL over here -my kids think I'm nuts. Jacob all ghetto is too funny - and I about died laughing on the Paula Abdul "...Twinkie..." bit. Hilarious!

10:04 AM
AZ Allreds said...

Love it -- I did find this from Shelle's post. Thanks for the laugh...I love the Sunny appearance...Wanda would have been a little to obvious. Good choice.

10:13 AM
Anonymous said...

Wouldn't a vampire have a hard time appearing on film?

Otherwise, it's hysterical :) Reminds me of the "Princess Bride" book - "...there were maybe sixty pages of text dealing with Prince Humperdink's ancestry..."

10:14 AM
stephon marbury said...

You are SO good at the baller talk. You must own a pair of my shoes, right? Holla!

10:16 AM
Shelley said...

love the sytycd "for real" reference. michael and i love it when nigel does it. hilarious!

10:24 AM
Anonymous said...

This really has to be one of the funniest stories I have ever read. I absolutely love the American Idol part. I don't usually laugh out loud when I read something, but this has me beside myself with laughter. I can't wait until the next installment.

10:27 AM
Anonymous said...

hey, why don't you post the whole chapters in as torrent or in eMule?, Matt

11:30 AM
Pappy Yokum said...

Ok, this truly is the bomb baby! By far the best series of the night - you are on fire!

Just beautiful! You are definitely the one to beat.

{british accent} I didn't like you at first and I told you to loosen up and now, you give us this... it was fantastic, what else can I say?

11:56 AM
Anonymous said...

I can't wait for another installment! This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thanks!

12:43 PM
The Peton's said...

Thanks for the Teenwolf reference. I think I watched that show about 110 times as a tween. Good stuff!

12:47 PM
Roxanne said...

OMG! FRiday!!!! Another thing we have to wait for!
:( Your spoof is amazing! I absolutly love the new Jacob! I so picture him like that now! I will never think about Jacob the same way again! Keep writing these! you are great!!!! Thanks for making my day!

1:05 PM
Martinne said...

very good guys! I can't wait to the third part. I'm from Edward team, but the ghetto jacob is so much better o/

1:51 PM
Anonymous said...

I love this story so much! it has me laughing constantly. I love how u made jacob! ha! and then edward on american idol! wow there are too many things to comment on! can't wait for the conclusion!

2:29 PM
The Daring One said...

Truly. You are genius

3:11 PM
Twilighter said...

-dies of laughter-
Aw, now look what you did.

3:18 PM
carrie said...

ok, have to comment after Part II... i think better than Part I...

"While the crowd cheers, a seething Michael J. Fox calls his attorney and says, “Get a lawsuit ready. They just ripped off Teen Wolf!”" - favorite quote of the book so far.

and chapter 15:cool, my favorite chapter. kinda scary how well you impersonated all three judges. Ü

8:15 PM
Anonymous said...

American Idol references were great. You have too much time on your hands, but so do I apparently for reading these two posts the last 30 minutes. Probably should have read the Ensign instead.

8:37 PM
Eden said...

The comment about Paula Abdul's blood literally had me laughing out loud.

Can't wait for the next installment.

9:20 PM
~Jen~ said...

omc this is the most hysterical thing I've ever read/seen/imagined in my entire life! I laughed so hard I started tearing up. And it's just so great. Especially the whole Pluckie the Chicken Vamp Wants Revenge thing. haha Can't wait till Friday ^_^

9:23 PM
Yamile said...

This is hilarious!!!! I linked from my blog. Thanks for helping me relax before the book comes out. I needed a laugh!

11:50 PM
Evelyn said...

Wow! The American idol dialog was fantastic!!

This stuff has really made my week. I've been suffering from friends and roommates who can't talk about anything but how excited they are for Breaking Dawn (BARF!).

This is where the good stuff is.

1:11 PM
Ericrazy said...

erica thinks ya'll straight trippin' foo's!!

haah .. jk

whoever wrote that parody is seriously the most hilarious guy ive ever not-met.


8:48 PM
Anonymous said...

Hahaha undead chicken?! Hilarious. I'm so excited about Breaking Dawn... I pre-ordered it (my fave bookstore is giving away the Breaking Dawn eBook for free to everyone who preorders it). I'll be back later for the last part of the spoof... I can't wait to see what happens next :)

8:59 AM
Anonymous said...

wonderful stuff but its friday and currently 3:31 pacific time and still no chapter3.. =[[[

3:14 PM
Jana said...

Wow a guy that has read all of stephanie meyer's books and watches so you think you can dance.
Who is the perfect man here... Edward, or the normal mormon husband.

4:36 PM
curleighlocks said...

Jacob Black is the best part! My friends and I actually read this at a 'Breaking Dawn Party.' We were laughing so hard! I love it!

2:19 PM
Anonymous said...

I LOVE tha Pluckie actually made a cameo in the real Breaking Dawn on the honeymoon "why I am covered with feathers?". eggs and more eggs for breakfast....

ha ha!! OMP!

2:20 PM
Anonymous said...

I have not laughed out loud this much for a long time! This is hilarious. My favorite part was the SYTYCD "IV Real" reference.

-A reader in NC

7:40 PM
Millie said...

Go, Pluckie! My hero!!

The American Idol chapter was my fave, though... "Love Bites" and "You just sucked." S'wonderful.

10:59 PM
Jenn said...

Jacob: “Juss’ wantin’ to see if this fly little shortie wants to join the J-Black posse. You frontin’?” This line had me laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. Also cracked up over the chapter with Sunny!

You are hilarious! I bet your kids have the best time with you.

12:55 AM