Breaking Dawn: The Spoof - Part III - The Dramatic Conclusion

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Chapter 18: Reunion
Edward races to Bella's house and tells her that he overheard her phone conversation with Jacob and understands that she may still be in love with the wolf boy. Edward tells Bella that he will give her all the time she needs to decide between himself and Jacob, but if it were his choice he and Bella would be married today. Bella explains that Edward misunderstood the phone conversation and she has made her choice - it is Edward! Instead of asking her boyfriend why he was spying on her within the privacy of her own home, Bella agrees to get married immediately. Edward also agrees that he will personally change Bella into a vampire right after the wedding so that Bella can finally get off his back about the whole "honeymoon thing."

They excitedly call their immediate family members and tell them to be to the wedding chapel as quickly as possible. In order to keep a low profile, Carlisle has become an ordained minister in The Temple of the Vampire religion and can perform the wedding ceremony himself. Bella hops on Edward's back and he races them toward the chapel. As they are running, Bella comments that it is so much better for the environment for them to travel on piggy back instead of driving a car and increasing their carbon footprint. Edward wisely bites his tongue as he recalls what happened the last time they disagreed about politics.

But unbeknownst to Edward, he is under surveillance by the Volturi, Pluckie and Rock Hardcastle. Each of the three groups watch Edward enter the wedding chapel. It is the perfect place for each of them to bring Edward down!

Chapter 19: Wolfie
As Bella and Edward prepare to tie the knot, Jacob has also officially moved on. Jacob was selected as the first overall pick in the NBA draft. He is ironically drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves. On the first day of practice Jacob instinctively "imprints" on the T-Wolves' mascot. While being hopelessly drawn to and NBA mascot is incredibly confusing to J-Black, it does provide him with closure toward Bella. As an arrogant NBA player, Jacob now considers himself to be a "versatile entertainer" - like Shaq - and cuts a rap album. He raps a track called "Movin' On" summarizing his convoluted love life involving Bella and the T-Wolves' mascot. Part of the song goes as follows:

I thought I had myself a shortie, a lovely Swan.
But she be dissin' and she frontin', I'm movin' on.
Instead of illin' with the J, she chose a "sucka".
She leff' me all alone, like a long-haul trucka.
Now I gots myself a honey, and lotsa money.
So I be maxin' wit' a mascot, you thinks dat's funny?
If you do - watch ya back.
I'm Jacob Black.
I won't cut you no slack.
You get whacked.

Chapter 20: Preparation
Pluckie finishes the last moments of preparation for his surprise attack on Edward. After watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail to review the strategy of the killer rabbit who defends the cave, Pluckie has decided to swoop down from the rafters and go after Edward's jugular vein. Once Pluckie finishes with his prey, Edward will not be able to cry, "Run away! Run away!" like the Monty Python knights because dead vampires cannot speak. With his perfectly devised plan ready to spring into action, Plucky quietly conceals himself in the rafters of the wedding chapel.

Rock Hardcastle cannot believe his luck. Not only will this be the biggest case of his career, he will now be able to arrest Edward during his own wedding ceremony! Oh, the drama! Rock had initially expected the news of the arrest to attract some heavy local media interest, but he is now anticipating the wedding back story to thrust this arrest into the national headlines. While gloating about his upcoming fame, Rock is actually saddened on the inside. Despite his professional success and political aspirations, Rock has never been in love. As he shines his badge and puts the finishing touches on his wavy, amber hairdo, Rock desperately wishes that he could share the biggest moment of his life with a woman who loves him.

The Volturi have assembled a plan of their own. They currently outnumber the Cullens 2-1 and are confident they can wipe the entire family out if they need to. Their overall objective is to see Bella turned immediately into a vampire because they expect her to have superpowers that can be put to use to protect the worldwide vampire community. If Bella or the Cullens resist, the Volturi will destroy the Cullens and take Bella with them, like Bowser did to Princess Peach in Super Mario Brothers. The Volturi decide to place Felix outside of the wedding chapel to guard the doors from any would-be Marios or Luigis who may disrupt their plans. Felix, however, has plans of his own. Felix is as attracted to the smell of Bella's blood as Oprah to a hot ham and cannot resist the opportunity to sink his teeth into her neck. Quietly, Felix leaves his post and hides in the rafters, waiting for his perfect moment to pounce...

Chapter 21: Objections
Alice, Edward's future-telling sister, is once again helping Bella into her wedding dress. Alice should have been able to foresee the plots of the Volturi, Pluckie and Rock, but she has been using all of her foresight powers to find out how the TV show "Lost" is going to end. After days of focused concentration, Alice is disappointed when she realizes that not even the show's writers know how the series will conclude. Unaware of the threats they are facing, Edward and Bella proceed down the aisle.

As Carlisle conducts the ceremony, he asks the audience, "If there is anybody in attendance who thinks this couple should not be joined in matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace." At that precise moment, both doors to the wedding chapel fly open. Standing at the front entrance is Aro, head of the Volturi, who says, "I object to this and any other association between a vampire and a HUMAN!" At the exact same moment, Rock Hardcastle enters the rear door and yells, "I object! Edward Cullen, you're under arrest."

Every vampire in the room bears his or her long, razor-sharp teeth and prepares for a fight. Charlie responds by immediately reaching for the holster that holds his police firearm, only to remember that he replaced his gun with two Jimmy Dean Hot Pockets a month ago. Undaunted, Charlie aims his Hot Pockets at the Volturi and prepares to fire. Rock Hardcastle is stunned to have stumbled upon a living, breathing vampire clan. But he is not afraid. As one of the lead SEC investigators into the Martha Stewart case, Rock is experienced in handling ruthless, blood-sucking perpetrators. He is also not worried about the status of his eternal soul if one of the vampires somehow bites him. As an aspiring politician, Rock sold his soul to the highest bidder years ago.

Chapter 22: Carnage
While Bella and Edward are distracted by the commotion, both Felix and Pluckie capitalize on the perfect moment to attack. In the blink of an eye, Felix swoops down from the rafters headed right at Bella's soft, velvety neck. Pluckie explodes from the rafters at the exact same moment like a fluffy white bullet headed straight at Edward's jugular. Before anybody can react, both Pluckie and Felix bite into the necks of Edward and Bella. The bride and groom are covered in blood and chicken feathers before the Cullens and Charlie can rush to their aid. Charlie throws down the Hot Pockets and reaches for his night stick, only to be reminded that he replaced it with an extra long Charleston Chew several weeks ago. Taking his "new dad" approach, Charlie smacks himself on the forehead, yells "D'oh!", and leaves for Moe's Tavern.

The Cullens are able to subdue Felix, but Pluckie escapes through the window without being caught. Ironically, Pluckie thought that Edward, "tasted like chicken." Edward and Bella are bloodied, lying on the floor and barely clinging to consciousness. Edward weakly grips Bella's hand and says, "Carlisle, our wedding has been prevented once. I will..ooohh...not let it...ahhhh...happen again. Finish the..uggg..ceremony." Bella, barely breathing, whispers, "Hurry....Carlisle." Carlisle rushes through the vows and both Bella and Edward muster an "I do." Carlisle then says, " may now kiss the bride." Expending all of their energy, Edward and Bella manage to briefly, faintly touch lips. Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen then both slip into unconsciousness as Carlisle works frantically to save their lives.......

Chapter 23: Diff'rent Strokes
After teetering between life and death for longer than Fidel Castro, both Edward and Bella make full recoveries. The effects of the bites are immediately noticeable. Bella is now a vampire, but Edward has been made human once again as a result of Pluckie's bite. Still unable to "celebrate their honeymoon" because Bella may now accidentally kill Edward, the couple must make a difficult decision. Bella loves being an indestructible vampire who can no longer hurt herself through her legendary clumsiness. Edward, on the other hand, is thrilled to once again be human and experience the joy of living, maturing, and one day growing old. Now bound together by marriage, which one will risk his or her life to make the ultimate sacrifice of being changed back to the way they once were?

Chapter 24: Another Wedding
The marriage between Edward and Bella was not the only one performed in the wedding chapel that day. Rock Hardcastle of the SEC presented a big problem for the Volturi and the Cullens. If they killed him, the entire federal government would descend on Forks when Rock never returned. Rock, on the other hand, refused to leave the chapel without something to advance his career. The solution came when Rock laid eyes on Edward's sister Alice for the first time. Rock knew that Alice would make the perfect First Lady when he decides to run for President one day. After all, it never hurts to have a wife who can see into the future when you aspire to be the leader of the free world. Alice looks into what her future could hold as Mrs. Hardcastle, smiles, and says, "I accept your proposal, Mister President." Carlisle performs the wedding on the spot and Rock Hardcastle leaves a happy man.

Having exacted his revenge on Edward, Pluckie is now ready to settle down and move on with his life. He returns to the free range chicken ranch outside of Forks and meets a teen-aged chicken named Belinda. Belinda had just relocated to the range from Florida where she had been living with her mom. While Belinda is not what Pluckie would normally consider as "his type", he is strangely attracted to her. She is physically plain by chicken standards - her feathers are not particularly shiny, her talons are somewhat stubby, and her gizzard is not as big as the supermodel chickens' in the magazines. Belinda is also uncoordinated for a chicken and still had a bruise from flying into the side of the barn the previous day. Despite her flaws, the smell of Belinda's blood is irresistible to Pluckie. After processing more chicken than Colonel Sanders, Pluckie has finally found his soul mate. Pluckie sidles up to Belinda and says, "Hello, I'm Pluckie." Belinda looks at Pluckie and is instantly lost in his liquid, golden topaz eyes. Her chicken knees get weak, her heart rate speeds up, and she manages to blurt out, "Uh, errr, hi. I'm Belinda. Call me Bella."



*Heather - (In my best Charlie voice): "D'oh!" Emmett and Rosalie are married? I read each of the Twilight books once when they first came out and that small detail slipped my mind. My original draft had Rock Hardcastle marrying Rosalie. Now that I know that Rosalie is married to Emmett, I am having Rock marry Alice instead. For all of the Twi-hards out there, is the Rock-Alice wedding a little less creepy (and less illegal) than the Rock-Rosalie union? The only other solution at this point is to have Rock killed.

*Roxanne - You are right. There needed to be more about Jacob in Part III. In the original version, there was not even a reference to him. Since a few of you seem to like the Gangstafied version of J-Black, I have just written a new chapter called "Wolfie" that was not part of the original post. Thanks to the Wiz for giving me the "imprint" idea. The idea for the gangsta rap lyrics came to me while I was sitting in an important off-site business meeting. I had to secretly jot them down on a notepad, pretending that I was taking notes during the meeting. I was stifiling chortles as I penned the lyrics. I hope you like them as well. If my whole HR career does not work out for me, maybe LL Cool J needs a new writer?

*Paola - What? Jasper and Alice are married too? I'm glad to see that you can keep that small error in the context of this being a spoof. For the rest of you who live and die with Twilight and cannot fathom Alice or Rosalie leaving their respective husbands, here is an alternate ending that might suffice:

"The Volturi decide that Rock must die, so Aro eats him. The Volturi fax a forged resignation letter from Rock to the SEC notifying the agency that he is quitting immediately. With no family and no employer to miss his absence, Rock Hardcastle is no longer a problem."

Now if anybody says, "That wouldn't happen either because the SEC would still need to get his laptop, cellphone, and other company property....", then you can write your own ending on your own time.

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Claire said...

Fantastic!! I LOVE the ending. I hope Pluckie and Bella are very happy together. And I'm also liking that Edward is now a human. What a fabulous twist.

9:31 PM
Natali said...

Poor Emmett.

9:43 PM
The Wiz said...

Hee hee. Jacob needs to imprint!!! Come on, dude!! I think you should write a 5th novel. I am waiting with baited breath.

9:48 PM
Rebekah said...

natali-i thought the same thing!

that was great!! enjoyed every minute of it! Thanks!

10:15 PM
carrie said...

there is no end to your imagination! talked to any publishers yet?

i second the "poor Emmett" comment.

and would also like to point out my favorite line of Part III "...Felix is as attracted to the smell of Bella's blood as Oprah to a hot ham..."

pretty funny stuff Ü

10:18 PM
Morgan said...

haha. i heard that stephenie already wrote all of that...
you didn't happen to get ahold of the spoliers, did you.

but i loved it! this spoof has had me rolling! :D

11:04 PM
Kiersten said...

I think the LOST and Bowser comments were by far the best. This was brilliant. What a disappointment the book will be in comparison.

11:27 PM
Kim said...

I love the global footprint comment from Bella... :) Awesome ending, but what happens with Bella & Edward?

12:13 AM
Lori said...

shall we give a round of applause to our favorite Fan Fiction ? Haha, This is amazing ! Where would you come up with this stuff ? I couldn't. I LOVE the reality, modern, normal world stuff added in, like the presidential campaigns and Lost, and every thing else. 'Mazing. Keep it up. Haha, you should do what you think the movie write up would be like, and Midnight Sun. ;D


4:33 AM
Amylouwho said...
This comment has been removed by the author. 5:48 AM
Amylouwho said...

Bravo! Bravo!

I was laughing out loud and trying to explain to my husband what was so funny. But the blank stare from his dreamy topaz eyes clued me in that he just didn't get it.

5:49 AM
Kayla said...

That was sooo awesome. I felt bad for Emmett too. =P

Argh! I wish Edward really could become human...

6:47 AM
Roxanne said...

I think this ending needed some more of Jacob's crazyness! lol but either way, the ending was awsome! :)

6:47 AM
Kathy said...

Wow. Poor Emmett.

And I must say it again: Wow.

6:59 AM
Heather said...

So would that make Rosalie a polygamist? She -is- already married to Emmett. (several times over) You could write a 5th book about that!

And I must say this 'spoiler' is a lot better than the other ones floating around on the net

7:21 AM
Sandy said... forgot the whole Emmett thing...but the rest was great:)

7:52 AM
Jennifer said...

That was fabulous. I'm sure the real story will pale in comparison. I especially love all the long chapters of Bella and Edward crying throughout the story. Wonderful.

8:27 AM
Julie said...

I love the Hot Pockets and the Charleston Chew! LOL! :D

But now that Edward is a human, will we have yet another sequel? Please say yes!

8:45 AM
Laura said...

Great story, once again. Loved the twists!!! Poor Emmett, but loved how Edward is now human!

Well done!

9:17 AM
K said...

Um, isn't Alice married to Jasper? Maybe Rock could marry Jane!

9:56 AM
Paola said...

I loved it!! however the rock-Alice union is just as illegal as the Rosalie-Rock union seeing as Alice is married to Jasper and has been for 50 years or so. so technically speaking she would be practicing bigamy.but who cares anyways is just a spoof. great work I rotfled the whole time.

10:54 AM
Jessica said...

Ah, is it really all over? I'm sure you can come up with some more! I need more rap from Jacob....

12:59 PM
The Frosts said...

Gangsta Jacob is my favorite!! Thanks for the addition!

2:16 PM
Angela said...

I'm glad that the Rosalie/Rock thing was an error. I haven't read Eclipse yet and I was worried that Emmett had died or something.
Very funny indeed.

3:28 PM
normal mormon wife said...

You rock, babe. If not LL Cool J, I'm sure SOME rapper could use you for your fly lyrics.

I guess I should've re-read the books before now, too, because I'd forgotten that both Rosalie and Alice were married, too. Oops. So much for my editing skillz.

6:15 PM
bioman75 said...

All great stuff.

Imprinting on the mascot sure to be a classic.

7:35 PM

Funny stuff! Thank you for the filler and fun before the book is released. :D

btw, Charleston Chew is also MY weapon of choice! small world...

8:19 PM
Amy said...

Did you know that you are more famous than you realize?

9:33 PM
Col.Smeag said...

So are you saying "Lost" will never end?

8:23 AM
niki said...

This is so much better than the real thing! So glad I have this to read after the total letdown. Thanks!

7:35 PM
Melinda said...

I loved the rap lyrics about Bella falling for a "sucka!" Truly inspired!

That was a really neat epilogue. Now Stephenie Meyer can write a whole new series without even changing the heroine's name! You're brilliant.

And while I am disappointed that Jacob didn't get to rip Edward to shreds, it was just as dramatic to have him bitten by a chicken.

7:56 PM
Melinda said...

Oh, and I have to tell you. I took my kid to a playland area today, and the teenager who was selling tickets had a copy of Breaking Dawn. I recognized it immediately and asked how it was. She was totally thrilled with the book. Since we bonded about the vampires, she let us in for free! It's like having a secret password!

8:00 PM
Chelsea said...

LOL i just read breaking dawn and your version is much better.

3:01 PM
Rosie said...

O-MY-LANTA!!! This is the best spoof since Wierd Al Yankovich's remake to Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" (Amish Paradise - for those who don't remember...geez, I feel old).

8:01 PM
Millie said...


LOVED the imprint scene... and the Hot Pockets and the Charleston Chew.

And Pluckie finally found love. You tied up all the loose ends, just like Stephenie. :)

11:16 PM
Anonymous said...

Your version is hands down better than the original! You had more twists and turns and action in your spoof than the entire 800 page novel. LOVE IT! Too bad I can't say the same for the book...

2:24 PM
Michelle said...

After reading the actual Breaking Dawn, I think we need to create a whole new category of the baby naming test for Renesmee.

11:34 AM
Jenn said...

I personally liked the alternate ending for Rock. The epilogue was the best part!

"Bella's blood as Oprah to a hot ham..." truly funny!!! Of course the LOST comments cracked me up as well.

1:17 AM
Jenn said...

P.S. I forgot to tell you my absolute favorite part was the fact that you came up with the rap song during a work meeting! LOL! I bet that was hard to not laugh your head off!

1:25 AM
Belen said...

Great!!! I liked it. Are you going to come up with more stuff like this one?

6:24 PM
Anonymous said...
Anonymous said...

in a was this was better than the actual novel and i hate to say it but its true.

11:17 PM
Jacqueline21 said...

O.K. I have only just discovered you blog - and I am already a HUGE fan! The Breaking Dawn spoof literally made me pee my pants...

I should be working right now, but am instead reading your entries.

Keep up the good work. You are amazing!

11:06 AM
Caz from OZ said...

Too damn funny! Just found your stories through the different characters for New Moon ideas and this is tooo gooood!

2:22 AM
Anonymous said...

breaking dawn already came out in phx.

4:10 PM
gracevollrath said...

This whole thing is amazingly funny! Especially part II! I love it you're so talented! Would you mind if i used this as an aide to help with my school project, I'm a junior and have to make a video/movie/short film i guess and i wanted to make a twilight spoof, and i'm not the best writer. Do you mind? if you want afterwards i can definitley send you the entire video! please email me at i would like to start within the next 3 days or so! thanks for your time, and laughs!

10:39 AM