The Most Grammatically Incorrect Post Ever

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

At this very moment there are millions of people around the world striving to achieve the impossible. Some are trying to cure cancer. Others are taking their first steps toward the summit of Everest. Me? I’m taking all of your grammar pet peeves and endeavoring to write the most grammatically incorrect blog post in the history of the internet! Hooray for dreaming big! (Disclaimer: the the events in the post are completely ficticious and do not represent any experiences the NMW and I have had).Forget everything you learned in English class, cast Webster’s to the side, hold your breath just long enough to kill a few brain cells, and enjoy the most grammatically incorrect blog post ever!

July 5th, 2008:

Me and my wife were odviously late fer our first appointment with our realitor. We was late because we ran out of melk and couldn’t make our Mot-o-Meal breakfast without it. Im not drinking lots of melk right now because it supposably has a lot of harmones in it, so I had toast and got ready on time. But my wife can loose her temper and have wild moose wings, expecially when she does’nt eat breakfast. I drather be late then have my wife loose her temper with the realitor, so she essensually ate a Dennys’ breakfast slam that took ferever! I drove faster than an ambilance driver to get to our appointment, but we was verily late anyways.

Our realitors’ name is Jenny. I was nauseous that we was late because Jenny had broughten us a throw pellow as a gift. She said my wife and me could put it in our new house after it gets boughten. I saw that Jennys’ car had an Illinoise license plate, so I axed her how come it was on their? You see, my wife and me was born in Chicago, so I wondered if Jenny was from their to. Jenny said she was driving her sister in laws’ car because it was better then hers. Jenny never forreals said where she was from. It should have been a mute point, but it really effected me for some weird reason’s. Irregardless, I was suspicious of Jenny now.

Jenny only wanted to show us really expensive house’s. There was one by the mounin’ and another by Barnes and Nobles that were $300,000! Did Jenny think I was an ATM machine? I think she was trying to melk us for a lot of money (e.g. a lot of commission’s) by showing us the home’s over their. I liked Jenny at first, but I was now thinking that she was trying to pray on us like a woof in sheeps’ clothing. Sometimes the necked truth is hard to swallow.

I looked at my wife and told Jenny that her and me don’t really care about keeping up with the Jone’s and just need an affordable house. So Jenny took us to one that we could afford but it was next to a nucular plant, and that made me and my wife kinda nervous. Anyways, we did not find any good house’s that day. When we was done, I was beaten! Finding a new house is not a walk in the cake.

That night my wife and me read our Book or Mormons and we was reminded about how people’s lives can be ruined by being greedy. I then read an Ensin article about the same subject. It made me think of my patriarticle blessing that says I need to be wise with the money’s that I will earn. I told my wife, “Congradulations!” fer not buying a house that was to expensive. Anyways, her and me don’t need one of the biggest house’s to be happy. We will be happy irregardless!

(Side note: I am truly sorry for making you read this because it will make you speak like a hillbilly for the next two days. I have saying "me and her" instead of "she and I" and using words like "gotten" for the last several hours since writing this post. My bad.)


Sandy said...

"Moose wings"...I'm LOL on that one:)

5:47 PM

I don't remember how I found your blog - but I love it!

I'm glad you used my "favorite" peeve - the use of there, their & they're. Oy vay!

6:41 PM
melisa said...

A big sponge! Why didn't I think of that?! :)

I'm glad you appreciate the PR. You are absolutely hilarious and I'm glad to help.

BTW, while poking around your blog I noticed your wife's picture. And wouldn't you know it, I've seen her picture a billion times as a fellow commenter on one of my old BYU roommates' blog. Is that 7 degrees or what? ;)

Keep up the great posts! It's a riot!

8:13 PM
jeans said...

I recently read about the "Deseret Alphabet," a phonetic alphabet that Brigham Young tried to impose in Utah. He wanted to get rid of those pesky silent letters in English words and to help the thousands of new immigrants to Utah learn the language quicker. Although ("odviously") it didn't catch on, one thing it did do is help preserve the way that Mormons in Utah actually spoke & pronounced things at that time. Your post does the same thing for the "Marmans" in your circle of acquaintance. I could totally hear them when I mentally read your post out loud. Very fun.

4:39 AM
Z. Marie said...

Yours is a great blog -- and I don't say that about many guy's blogs.

Another good spelling/grammar issue I saw on a listserve today:

I also think that when we are somewhere that is not so great we put a good experience on a pedal stool.

10:15 AM
The Motherboard said...

Oh jeeze. My eye is twitching now.

4:58 PM

I have to agree with Sandy - the "wild moose wings" bit was awesome. I'm still laughing at it. :)

6:46 PM
Beth said...


delightfully unreadable!

9:02 AM
normal mormon wife said...

I'll tell you what...someone needs to notify Guinness. I think you've got a record here, babe.

10:13 AM
Emily said...

Ow...I have a migraine now. Another good one is "putting things in lame man's terms." Or if we are at church, we might hear it as "Laman's terms." Either way, I have gotten quite the ab workouts when I see/hear those. Oh, the pain!

1:20 PM
Ang said...

This is hilarious. Who knew you could spin such a grammatically incorrect yet culturally spot-on window into us Utahr Marmons lives?

Remember that dog grooming place by ye old homestead in West Valley with the big sign: "Mutts Cut's"? That was my way fave.

Ahh, and now you've got me thinking. You've thrown down the gauntlet and I must respond. Here is my fictional retelling of a West Valleyite adventure (and I say it with love, rejoicing in our shared West Valleyite heritage):

"Me and Karlee and Courntee was going to Evingston, and we supposebly had enough gas, but we ran out and we was on the side of the road and all of the sudden this guy seen us and pulled over and was like, 'Where are you staying at?' and he was all creepin us out and we was like, 'We don't need no help, seriously!' So he looked at us all ignert and took off. And I was so mad at my friends cuz if we had tooken a different way, and we SHOULD of tooken a different way, then we could of seen some good gas stations! Heck, maybe one would of been acrossed the street! Instead we just set there on a little curb that was totally a short heighth. And I didn't want to exasperate the situation, but alls I know is sometimes you need to install a little wisdom in your friends. So even though it was a mute point, and I was weary of making anybody mad, I said, 'Karlee, Courntee, we need to nip this bad planning in the butt!' and they totally agreed that all of us guyses planning was
prolly not the greatest. Sometimes it was almost like we had old-timer's disease! But then Courntee called every one of her sister-in-laws and finally one answered her phone (she's a perspective missionary and totally cool) and we was like 'we're saved!' We should have went on our trip more prepared, but we was majorly blessed that everything turned out okay and we didn't end up reeking havoc."

Okay, so I just spent a half hour (40 mins? Sheesh!) giggling at my computer instead of making dinner. But it was fun :-).

5:53 PM
ron_hayes said...

ok, ok, ok, how in the world are you ever going to top this one? I was laughing all the way through! It's a good thing I was through eating my lunch! Certainly there are no apologies necessary to any of your readers except forcing us to explain to others how our monitors got splattered with milk (or whatever was in our mouths at the time of reading).

Well done, well done indeed. (clap clap clap clap)

11:56 AM
Col.Smeag said...

I really don't know why everywon had a problem reading it all yous got to dos is have goone to California pooblic schuuls.

12:01 AM
Jami said...

Very funny! I had to read it in shifts because I went on cringe overload.

8:23 PM
davers said...

"It made me think of my patriarticle blessing that says I need to be wise with the money’s that I will earn"

Tee hee - asking missionaries from Utah what you call the special blessing given by the Patriarch. They're always surprised when I tell them that there's only 1 "t" in the word. I really should just bu'un up my lip though.

9:50 PM

I thought it was "a whole other issue" "A whole another(nuther) issue" doesn't sound right if you say it out loud. That is funny about the other comments, I have never heard people say 360, lol. I just hate double negatives, it sounds hillbilly to me.

1:57 PM