Alternate Light Saber Uses

Sunday, August 10, 2008

As the father of a seven-year-old son, Star Wars is a very important part of my life. We have Lego Star Wars and Lego Star Wars II for the Play Station. A number of Star Wars action figures, posters, underwear (his, not mine) and Lego sets can be found strewn about the house. One of my favorite Star Wars toys that belongs to my son are his collapsible light sabers. If you have never seen one before, the shaft is made up of several increasingly smaller sections that allow kids (and some adults) to whip the saber out with the flick of the wrist. The collapsing mechanism also makes for some cool death scenes when you drive your light saber into the back, chest, head, or face of the person you are dueling because it appears that the saber has gone straight into your adversary's chest or face cavity. Not that we condone violence or anything, but I have delivered some Shakespeare-esque death scenes after being stabbed through the heart by my son. While we have dueled with the light sabers for several years now I had never bothered to read the warning label that is printed right on the handle (circled in red on the picture). It says:

If you cannot read the warning, it says, "DO NOT poke or jab with Light saber. Section are made to stick together in the extended position and will not easily collapse if jabbed into an object, individual, or animal." What? Are you kidding me? Did the maker of this light saber actually ever watch the Star Wars movies? I'm pretty sure Luke Skywaker's original name was "Jabbie McGee" and Darth was "Poke Vader" given the amount of jabbing/poking they did with their light sabers. If you don't believe me, just ask Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul, or the Taun-taun that became Han Solo's impromptu tent as he froze to death on Hoth. Telling kids not to poke or jab at people with a toy light saber is like telling Ben Affleck to stop making bad movies - it just ain't gonna happen.

As a family that strictly adheres to all product liability warnings, my son and I will have to put an end to our epic light saber battles. Instead of using them to pummel the crud out of each other, we have developed a few alternative uses for them:

A silver, trendy door stop

A spare antenna bunny ear:

A shower loofah extender for those pesky hard-to-reach places (Yes, I use a loofah. No, I'm not a she-male):

A dual exhaust pipe to make your car look cool:

As the body of a "passenger" to allow you to drive the in the carpool lane:
Since my son and I will no longer be able to settle our Star Wars disputes by dueling to the death with light sabers, we will have to instead debate our differences on the floor of the Galactic Senate. My son has just introduced legislation to increase his payment for his chores and extend his bed time. I had better go get my rebuttal ready. It's going to be a long, exciting night of settling things Star Wars style - by a good, old-fashioned political debate!

Anyway, do any of you have some other suggestions about what we can do with our light sabers now that our fighting days are over? If you're feeling really creative and happen to have a light saber at home, you can email me your photos and I'll post a couple of them. Please email them to nmhusband [at] hotmail [dot] com.

But as you sit down to type the email, please read the warning that goes along with your keyboard. It probably says something to the effect that you can permanently damage your fingers by typing on it. And be careful with the chair you're sitting in - it can cause back problems. The monitor you're looking at? Gamma ray poisoning.

In fact, it may be safer for you to just go to bed right now. Just be sure to read the warning on the mattress before you do.


-Andymann: You mentioned that your rugrats have Legos StarWars I & II and you just got them Lego Indiana Jones as well. We are living very similar lives. My son got Lego Indiana Jones for his birthday in July and plays it everyday. He only gets a very limited amount of TV/internet/video game time every day, but he's been spending most of it on Indy. One of his other new obsessions is Webkinz, which allowed him to buy a little stuffed animal and then register it online. He can play with his "virtual stuffed animal" (which is a lot more fun that the real thing, by the way), play games, and earn points to buy stuff for his virtual pet. Are there any other Webkinz fans out there?

-Col. Smeag: Great idea of filling the light saber up with Gatorade and then freezing it to make a ginormous Popsicle. I'm assuming the shaft is extended when you fill it up, thus ending creating a three-foot-long treat/weapon. It could easily be the most delicious and dangerous candy since the long Jolly Rancher bars that you could suck down into a razor-sharp point and then repeatedly slice your tongue open with it. Ahhh, memories. Just imagine the lame one-liners you could use on somebody after hitting them upside the head with a huge frozen light saber Popsicle. (In my best Schwarzenegger voice): "You've beeeeeeen cold cocked!", "Now dats vut I call brain freeze!", "I just popped your sicle!" or "So much fer global vooorming!" Oh, wait, I think Arnold said all of those cheesy lines when he played Mr. Freeze in Batman.


Melisa said...

Wow. You have a very creative mind. And I don't believe for a second that you will actualy stop playing with those things as they were intended to be played with. Warning indeed! ;)

9:43 PM
Andymann said...

My seven year old and my five year old boys both have theses and like to poke each other and their sister all the time. The seven year old has a battery operated one that makes noise and lights up when you turn it on. All my kids want to do is play Lego Star Wars I and II and we just got Lego Indiana Jones (and can get the whole star wars gang playing the Indiana Jones storyline).
I am noticing that the warning sticker is missing my both of my sons convenient.

10:18 PM
Col.Smeag said...

If the Saber is that solid of a tool then use it to make holes in you spring flower garden to plant bulbs, or for a quick summer treat fill the saber with your favorite Gatorade or Hawain Punch and throw it in the freezer for cool summer treat
(Warning: The use of a artifical Light Saber as a popcicle mold is not aproved by the FDA, PETA or the State of California, it could lead to sudden and unexpected use of the force.)

10:30 PM
Brenda said...

Hysterical! I especially love the car pool idea.

12:31 AM
mama cow said...

Some of our favorite uses are as a really bog kabob stick for family BBQ's, a public toilet flusher and the all important diaper disposer for the really stinky ones even the dog wont go near.

7:27 AM
alyssa said...

As I'm typing this (using proper typing technique so as to avoid injury) my 3 year old is building a "star wars ship" with his mega blocks.

I know that you label says not to poke or job, but most of the sword fighting in our home is just waving them in the air, and occasionally touching the other sword. There are also hits on the arms, but no "poking" or "jabbing." Surely you don't have to make your son have political debates with you to get your mandatory star wars time in each day.

And are you watching the Olympics? I tuned into NMH this morning because I thought you'd have comments on The "Redeem" Team and the mens swim relay.

7:40 AM
Natalie said...

This post was hilarious! I especially love the bunny ears.

9:11 AM
The Peton's said...

As a wife of an attorney, I will go remove the product liability stickers on all 3 of my daughter's lightsabers. Their Dad might make them stop playing with them. Yes, my girls have lightsabers. Also, starwars legos, lego-starwars for x-box and playstation (both games) and will be getting lego indiana jones for Christmas. Their poor dad only had girls, so he has made them think starwars and The Lord of the Rings is really cool. In fact, my 5 year old was watching "The Empire Strikes Back" just this morning. He needs some boys.

3:40 PM
Slices of Life said...

NMH: Thanks for this great advice. I promise not to play Star Wars ever again. We will read together instead. Well, there's a chance he will get a paper cut. I guess there's always television.

5:57 PM
Slices of Life said...

They need also need a product liability warning for those green army men.
Warning: If left on floor, may cause dad extreme pain during trip to the bathroom.

5:58 PM
IamLoW said...

I say, take the sticker off and pretend it never exsisted. As long as you don't sue if something happened b/c you ignored it, then all is good. Seriously, my brothers had those swords before I was married and I've been married for 20 years and my teenage boys have had those swords since they wre 4 and 5. No injuries to date. And the more you use them the more they 'deflate' with less pain.
But that's just how I see things...

6:11 AM
Asenath said...

At church on Sunday two of the guys were having light saber battles with their phones....apparently there's some kind of program out there that lets you download a digital light saber, and then you can "battle" people with it. (I'm imagining this is akin to those wireless pokemon battle games that used to be so popular.)Have you ever seen/heard of such a thing? Gotta love the singles ward for bringing to light little treasures like that.

11:37 AM
Lindsey said...

As an alternative to the store-bought "light sabers," I have seen homemade ones using a length of PVC pipe and foam water 'noodles." I made just a normal sword with the cub scouts in my ward and they are great fun and make for some really fun battles!!

1:05 PM
Andymann said...

Don't even get me started on Webkinz

9:35 PM
Bryce said...

This is one of the most awesome blog posts I have ever read.

9:36 PM
Andymann said...

and I'm not the Bishop. I'm on the High Council

9:36 PM
Col.Smeag said...

NMH A jolly rancher saber would be soooo awsome they could sell it with a case of band aids. LOL

11:58 PM
Mi Piace said...

I think someone has too much time on their hands. Don't be offended--my husband does too. He just chooses to spend his on the couch! ha

10:23 PM
The Motherboard said...

I promptly took those pesky stickers off the light sabers... otherwise I would have to interact with the kids-- and lets face it. Long sticks are WAY more dangerous as light sabers than the actual deal...

I want the light saber download for my cell phone! That would be wicked awesome!

Lego Star Wars 1 & 2 are the 3rd parent at my house...

7:11 AM
Jami said...

A fine and noble post. I am so impressed with your safety consciousness.
Additional ides. You could use it as a back up window lock, in the sliding part of the window. Or you could put a hobby horse head on the end of it. If you put a squeegee on one end you could reach those high windows.

9:52 AM
Roxanne said...

Wow! I suddenly have the urge to go buy myself a light sabber and duel with my fiancé! lol
Although im 23, im new to the whole Star Wars world since a few months ago. Obviously i knew what Star Wars was being a fanatic of movies but i never really got to them! I still havent watch 4, 5 and 6 but im definitly looking forward to them. Thanks for entertaning me with Star Wars this morning, i love your blog! Now, where can I find myself one of those lenghty popsicles....

7:23 AM
Hans-Juergen said...

It's like I've found the brother I never had. I have the exact same electronic rabbit ears on my TV as well as a couple of lightsabers. But you don't really need to blame your Star Wars collection on your seven year old. Just say something like "As a man who was a child in the late 70s and early 80s, I have a lightsaber. If only it were real."

Great blog. I'm adding it to my list.

1:11 PM
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