Many of you know that I work in Human Resources and if I ever lose my job I would like to write rap lyrics for LL Cool J. Well, add another would-be career to the list - predicting how Stephenie Meyer novels will turn out. I have finished Breaking Dawn and made notes of a number of passages that are eerily similar to my spoof. Since a number of you enjoyed my Breaking Dawn spoof, I thought it would be fun to finish everything up with a recap to see how well my predictions turned out. Below you will see the actual page numbers and direct quotes from Breaking Dawn that coincided with my spoof. After the quotes I have written my own thoughts, which are in italics.
But before getting to the post, I just needed to say a word or two about Edward. I am constantly amazed at how many adoring female fans the guy has out there. While I gave a few mock suggestions about how guys can be more like Edward in an old post, I just wanted to let everybody know about HusbandHero.com which actually gives some very practical, creative ways for men to keep some Edward-like romance and spontaneity in their relationships. HusbandHero is the newest sponsor of my blog, so check them out today. It really is a good site for guys who struggle to come up with ideas to show their wives that even though we are not 17-year-old wealthy vampires that we still may have some redeeming qualities.
Okay, so now back to how my spoof and the real Breaking Dawn were as intertwined as Edward and Bella:
The Existence of Pluckie: The Undead Murderous Free-Range Chicken
Page 96: During their honeymoon, Bella and Edward have the following conversation: "'I'll never get this all out of my hair!" I pointed to my head, where it looked like a chicken was nesting. I started picking at the feathers. "You would be worried about your hair," he mumbled but he came to stand behind me, pulling out the feathers much more quickly. "'How did you keep from laughing at this? I look ridiculous." He didn't answer, he just kept plucking. - HOLY COW! In my spoof I predicted that Bella would be "...covered in...chicken feathers." I am convinced that Pluckie was part of the real Breaking Dawn, but Stephenie Meyer's editors made her lose the character in the final version of the book. She even uses the word, "plucking", which is a subtle shout-out to our favorite murderous undead free-range chicken.
Page 114: Edward was with a Brazilian man and woman. Bella says, "Before I could react, Edward motioned for them to follow him toward the chicken coop, and they were gone. When he reappeared, he was alone." ANOTHER HOLY COW! I am absolutely positive - POSITIVE - that Edward took the Brazilians to Pluckie's chicken coop so that Pluckie could kill them for learning Edward's secret! There is no other logical explanation for Edward to return alone after taking the two Brazilians to the chicken coop. All hail Pluckie! Anybody else buy this conspiracy theory?
Page 120: Bella is eating chicken, and says - "I took another experimental bite; I chewed twice. Uhg-definitely bad. I jumped up to spit it into the sink. Suddenly, the chicken-and oil smell was revolting." - It doesn't take a genius to conclude that Bella is actually eating Pluckie in this scene. While I predicted that Pluckie would attempt to kill Edward and Bella at their wedding, Stephenie Meyer apparently wanted Pluckie to try to kill them with salmonella and/or botulism on their honeymoon. Even from beyond the grave Pluckie is trying to exact his revenge. Go, Pluckie, go!
J-Black, The Arrogant, Self-Absorbed Playa Hater
In my spoof I predicted that Jacob would become a self-absorbed, arrogant, cocky NBA basketball player to try to win Bella's affection since the whole "I'm just a swell guy who really likes you" routine didn't work.
Page 59-60: Bella asks herself, "Was it possible that he was still growing? He had to be closer to seven feet than to six." - I wrote that Jacob, "has also continued his abnormal growth spurt by adding another several inches to his height and now stands an impressive 6 foot 11." Just one more inch and he will be "Six foot twelve", just like Kevin Garnett.
Page 58: Jacob says to Bella, "Yeah - the party can start. The best man finally made it." If NBA players know anything, it's how to make themselves the center of attention at a party. Just ask Latrell Spreewell.
Page 157: Leah says that Jacob is, "So self-absorbed all the time." - I predicted that Jacob would become, "a self-absorbed, shallow high school athlete." Bingo! Ten points!
Page 196: Jacob considers impregnating a married woman. - In reality, I think that learning to sire children outside of wedlock is a mandatory skill for all incoming NBA rookies. Jacob is off to a good start here.
Page 332: Jacob is trolling for chicks at the park and is checking out every girl that walked by. He then says, "Sometimes I thought they looked kind of interested, but maybe that was just my ego running wild." - Hmmmm...a tall guy with a huge ego who thinks that every girl wants him? Definitely a star high school athlete.
Page 255: Jacob tells Leah to get her, "Head in the game." - Those of you who have seen High School Musical know that the song, "Get'cha Head in the Game" is all about high school hoops. Jacob was obviously showing his love for basketball with what he said to Leah. (On a side note - That music video is a perfect representation of every high school basketball practice I ever went to. We danced, bounced balls to a rhythm, and ran our plays based upon the order of the lyrics of a song.)
Page 321: Jacob tells Alice, "Hey, shortie. What's going on upstairs?" - My version of the gangstafied Jacob calls Bella his "shortie" four times. If I know anything, it's how to speak like I have street cred.
Charlie - The Nincompoop Father:
In my version, Charlie is an unfit parent who takes his parenting tips from Homer Simpson. He is such a bad cook that he tried to boil hot dogs using toilet water and a hair dryer. Stephenie Meyer's take on Charlie is as follows:
Page 20: Charlie says, "I look like an idiot." - Hey, Charlie, sometimes looks can be deceiving. But in your case, they're not.
Page 56: Bella says to Charlie, "I feel just horrible, leaving you to cook for yourself - it's practically criminal negligence." - According to the Washington State Legislature, it is not unlawful to cook hot dogs using toilet water and a blow drier. Charlie will also be happy to know that under Washington law he can eat horse meat, if he so desires.
Page 188: Bella gives Jacob a snide, witty insult, "Good one," Jacob says. Bella then grinned at Jacob and said,"I can't take credit-I got it off a rerun of The Simpsons." - Of course Bella is intimately familiar with The Simpsons since it is Charlie's only source for parenting advice and is constantly playing on their TV.
Page 511: Charlie finds out that Jacob is a werewolf, Renesmee is his granddaughter, and that Bella and Edward are not mortal. Charlie's response to this bombshell? Instead of discussing these hugely important matters, Charlie sits down with Emmett to watch a Florida Gators football game. - Straight from the Al Bundy and Homer Simpson fatherhood techniques. I can just imagine Charlie watching the game with one hand down his pants and yelling "D'oh!" when the other team scores.
Bella - The Ragin' Liberal:
I wrote that Bella is an idealistic, environmentally-conscious, Obama-supportin' liberal. In Breaking Dawn we learn the following:
Page 27: Bella says, "...but I didn't want to give them any fuel." - Instead of petroleum-based fuel, Bella probably would have preferred biodiesel, solar or wind energy. And don't even get her started on drilling in ANWAR or the outer continental shelf...
Page 41: Bella tells Alice, "I see you got to reuse your graduation decorations." - Bella is happy to see Alice protecting the environment through recycling. Never mind the claims that recycling may actually reduce tree populations and increases costs to consumers and taxpayers.
"Mawwiage. Mawwiage Is What Bwings Us Together Today":
In my spoof I predicted that the wedding between Edward and Bella would initially end in tragedy as Bella nearly hyperventilates, gets lost in Edward's eyes, and then falls and breaks her ankle. When the wedding is performed a second time, I wrote that Bella would only be able to whisper her, "I do".
Page 43: Alice says, "Deep breaths, Bella, and try to lower your heart rate." - I wrote that Bella's "heart would be racing." Ding, ding, ding! Ten points!
Page 48: Bella says to Charlie as he escorts her down the aisle, "Don't let me fall, Dad." - In my version Charlie let's Bella fall, so at least it was on Bella's mind in the real version of Breaking Dawn.
Page 48: Bella says, "All I really saw was Edward's face; it filled my vision and overwhelmed my mind. His eyes were a buttery, burning gold..." - Here is what I wrote would happen, "Bella’s eyes immediately lock on to Edward’s burning, liquid, amber eyes as he gazes down at her from the groom’s spot at the front of the room." Ding. Ding. Ding! Almost a word-for-word description. Ten more points for me! In your face, predictable storytelling!
Page 49: When Bella finally manages to say, "I do" she describes her voice as, "a nearly unintelligible whisper." - Here was my version of the climactic "I do" scene - "Bella, barely breathing, whispers, 'Hurry....Carlisle.' Carlisle rushes through the vows and both Bella and Edward muster an 'I do.'" Ding. Ding. Ding! Another nearly word-for-word prediction. When it comes to the foreseeing the wedding scene, just call me Alice. I totally saw the future before it happened! (Although I will punch you if you call me "Alice" to my face, especially while golfing and my drive fails to pass the women's tee box.)
Jacob's Highly Irregular Imprinting Decisions
In my spoof I guessed that Jacob would imprint a little differently from the other werewolves. I predicted that he would imprint on the Minnesota Timberwolves' mascot. What really happens in Breaking Dawn is even more disturbing than what I wrote would happen.
Page 189: Jacob says to Bella, "Do you really think that just because I might someday imprint on some stranger it would make this right?" - Jacob, you could only wish that the strangeness of your imprinting was limited to an NBA mascot as I predicted. What Stephenie Meyer has you do in the real book is just...ewww...gross.
Page 334: Jacob tells himself, "C'mon, Jake - imprint already...I wasn't going to be able to fall in love like a normal person." - Hey, Jacob, normal people have been involved in mascot marriages before. Haven't you ever heard of Joe the Moose from North Dakota. Show some respect!
There were a few random passages from Breaking Dawn that coincided with my spoof or with my previous Twilight posts. While they do not fit nicely into any category, they are still worth bringing up:
Page 533: "Alice kept searching for the future, but the things she found were unrelated to what she was looking for. A new trend in the stock market, a possible visit of reconciliation from Irina..." - Ha! I knew it. Alice is guilty of insider trading! Somebody call Rock Hardcastle with the SEC! As with Pluckie, I am fully convinced that Stephenie Meyer wanted to introduce Rock Hardcastle into Breaking Dawn but had to cut him out when the first draft of her novel was 12,495 pages.
Page 327: The name Renesmee. - Ugh. Where do I even start with how horrible this name is? Somebody tell Corky from "Life Goes On" that he no longer has the worst fictional name in the history of mankind. The name Renesmee violates almost every one of my Baby Naming Rules. Horrible. Just Horrible. Hey Bella, why not just name the baby ReneeAliceRosalieEsmeeRodhamClintonBaderGinsberg and pay homage to all of the great women in your life!
Page 278: Jacob catches a whiff of "Bacon and cinnamon, all mixed up with the vampire smell." - Sounds like the Cullen home smells similar to what I thought Paula Abdul's blood would smell like, which is, "a noxious mixture of collagen, formaldehyde and Jack Daniels..."
Page 302: Edward tells Bella, "That's why you haven't seen Jasper and Emmett around." - Interesting. I didn't mention Jasper or Emmett at all in my spoof. In fact, they were such useless characters that I forgot they were "married" to Alice and Rosalie. Stephenie Meyer doesn't mention them until page 302, and then only parenthetically. Looks like we can both spot characters who add nothing to a story.
Page 55: Bella says that following the wedding, "We took turns shoving cake in each other's faces; Edward manfully swallowed his portion as I watched in disbelief." - In my The Truth About Edward post, I argued that Edward, as a man, actually likes food. Many of the Twihards out there called me crazy. Well, there's the proof! Edward is ruled by his stomach just like the rest of us slightly overweight male slobs.
Page 508: Edward tells a horrible, blatant lie right to Charlie's face. Bella admiringly says, "Edward was so good at this (lying). His voice was even, with just the right amount of innocence." - Again, in my Edward post, I contended that Edward was nothing more than a skilled con artist who had deceived a very gullible Bella. It looks like I was right again! Too bad for Bella that she didn't realize this until after she became the dude's undead bride.
Since I had so much fun writing the Breaking Dawn spoof, I am now considering doing the same when "Midnight Sun" is released. After all, if I could get so many story lines right when told from Bella's point of view, just wait for how close it will be when it's told from a guy's perspective.
Somebody call LL Cool J.
I think I feel a Midnight Sun rap coming on...