My Unabashed Palin Crush

Thursday, September 04, 2008

I've got a crush on Palin.

Last night at the Republican Party Convention I joined with 37 million others in being introduced to a person who completely blew me away. A person with a rugged Alaskan background. A hardworking person who has reached a world-class level of success. A person who has managed a demanding, challenging career while simultaneously raising a beautiful family. When you throw the stylishly good looks into the mix you have to ask yourself one question:

How the heck does Todd Palin pull it all off?

That's right. Todd Palin.

Sure, last night was supposed to be Sarah's coming out party, but I turned off the TV being more intrigued about her mysterious husband than in the possible future Veep. You could say that I have developed a healthy, respectful, unawkward man-crush on Todd Palin after what I learned about him from his wife. Here is Todd Palin in Sarah's words:

"Todd is a story all by himself.

He's a lifelong commercial fisherman ... a production operator in the oil fields of Alaska's North Slope ... a proud member of the United Steel Workers Union ... and world champion snow machine racer.

Throw in his Yup'ik Eskimo ancestry, and it all makes for quite a package."

Quite a package indeed! His life story reads like that of a cheesy fictional male lead character in a Dan Brown novel. His life sounds so made up that I would not be surprised if Todd Palin is also trying to unravel the tangled web of deception behind his father's unsolved murder. His clandestine investigation leads him to a mysterious council of extremely tall supervillians who are ready to unleash an aggressive, unstoppable biological weapon on the earth that will kill everybody shorter than 6'5". Can't you just imagine Todd Palin ramming a snowmobile through the doors of the secret test lab and using his Eskimo Ninja skills to singlehandedly save the day just seconds before the plague is released? I can.

Let's examine what little we know about Todd Palin to see why he is perhaps the manliest man on the planet:

"He's a lifelong commercial fisherman ... " In other words, he's man enough to be on The Deadliest Catch. When I watch those guys working 20 straight hours lifting 200-pound cages in freezing temperatures I say to myself, "Great call going into HR! I still have all of my teeth and fingers and the closest I have been to freezing to death on the job was when we had to evacuate the plant in January due to a propane leak." Only gritty, burly, strong men work in commercial fishing. Todd Palin is a man. Me? I know how to use Excel Formulas and terminate people without getting the company sued. Take that!

"A production operator in the oil fields of Alaska's North Slope ..." I guess Mr. Manly Man scales 300 foot oil pumps in sub-zero tempatures in his spare time when he's not hauling Cutthroat Trout out of the water with nothing more than dental floss, a Sharpie pen, and his bare hands. I can just imagine him climbing to the top of a ridiculously high pump (with no support harnesses, of course, since those are for pansies) with a young greenhorn who is scared out of his mind. After reaching the top, Todd pauses, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and asks the kid, "You smell that?" The petrified rookie mutters a, "No, sir. I don't smell anything." Todd Palin then looks the kid in the eyes and says, "I smell opportunity. I smell independence. I smell money. I smell oil!" Just then the oil will begin gushing while drenching the two of them in liquid gold as Todd yells, "YEEEEEEEE-HAWWWW!" Seriously. Could this guy have selected any two more dangerous and manly professions? I guess the commute to West Virginia to moonlight as a coal miner was just too much.

"A proud member of the United Steel Workers Union"...As an HR Manager who works and negotiates with labor unions, I'm actually not very impressed by this one. Perhaps Todd's role is to work behind the scenes to influence his fellow union members to accept the contract that the company has proposed since it is fair and reasonable. Now that's a real man.

"And world champion snow machine racer." Just in case any of us thought we may be more manly than Todd Palin, HE'S ALSO A WORLD CHAMPION SNOW MACHINE RACER!" Game. Set. Match. Palin. Are you kidding me? He's not just a snowmobile enthusiast. Not even a pretty competitive weekend racer. Oh, no, not our Mr. Everything. He's a WORLD CHAMPION. And not just on a wimpy snowmobile, but on a snow machine. I've never seen a snow machine before, but I'm pretty sure that it looks like a snowmobile with a jet engine ducttaped to the back of it. I also envision it having the protruding, sharp, steel death rods like the bad guy's car on Grease that cut through Danny Zuko's car as if the fender were made of card stock. Images of Mad Max Thunderdome taking place in the snow come to mind. Todd Palin is more of a man than I can ever hope to be. If you squeezed the manliness out of me and the first thirty guys who read this blog and combined it all together, our aggregate studliness would equal roughly half of the stuff that courses through Todd's veins.

"Throw in his Yup'ik Eskimo ancestry..." I think every man whishes he was part Eskimo. It has been scientifically proven that Eskimo men can build igloos with better insulation than my house. Me? I get stoked when I correctly assemble my idiot proof tent and then manage to get the rain fly fastened in place. Eskimos also possess mystical powers over Mother Nature which allow them to summon forrest animals to voluntarily lay down their lives to provide the Eskimo with food and warm pelts should he be starving in the wilderness. Or if he needs a new polar bear skinned rug for his living room. Anyway, Eskimos are cool. Everybody knows that.

Plus, if were to poll most women, they would agree that Todd Palin is a handsome man. When you read about the rugged life that he has lived you would imagine him to be missing teeth and fingers. His facial skin should look more leathery than Jack Palance's in City Slickers since Todd has been exposed to the harsh Alaskan winds all day, every day, of his adult life. His back, hips and knees should be completely shredded after the abuse incurred in racing a snow machine and probably wrecking it multiple times. In short, Todd Palin should look just like John McCain. Instead, Todd Palin looks like a combination of Batman and James Bond.

Thanks to Captain Manly Pants, I'm going to begin living life to the fullest. I'm going to lose twenty pounds, take up rock climbing, become a competitive sky diver, and work as a rodeo clown on the weekends.

I hope you enjoyed this post. I might not live to ever blog again. But if this is the end, at least I will have died like a man!

Like Todd Palin.

Last Updated: 9/06/2008

Col. Smeag & Pappy Yokum - While you generally agreed with my assessment of Todd, you disagreed with my opposition to him being a steel union member. Col. Smeag's said, "I like the ideal of the steel workers union thing. I get images of burly guys with big muscles caring wrenches 3 feet long." Pappy made a similar comment of, "I picture Todd as one of those guys in the fire suits who stand ever so close to that molten pot of steel all day, slammed by heat with every pour - a job too hot for most men to handle." Deep within our hearts, most of us "office guys" would consider ourselves to be manlier if we worked in a sweltering production environment where sparks are flying and people randomly weld things to each other for no apparent reason. Welding would be a really cool topic for Men-richment.

Gretchen - A "snow maching" is simply a snowmobile with a cooler name? What a jip! I had better not find out that in Alaska they call people "World Champions" when they finish ninth in their neighborhood snowmobile race, or that they call guys "commercial fisherman" when they build a koi pond in the backyard.

Angela - Oh, big sis, where do I start? You mocked "us Republicans" even though this post was not about political preferences (and despite the fact that nobody disclosed their political affiliations), but about manliness. Manliness transcends politics. In fact, Todd Palin is not a Republican. Just to illustrate the point about manliness transcending politics, I gave props to Brad Pitt in my Twilight Rap despite the fact that his political views tend to differ from mine. Some people can take things, like manliness, at face value. Other people look for alleged hypocrisies where they don't exist. Oh well. :->

Katy and Landon - You asked an unanswerable question when you said, "Who would win in a death match? Todd Palin or Chuck Norris? It's like asking which will win, the unstoppable force or the immovable object? A few things have been proven about Chuck Norris that make it difficult to envision him losing to anyone at anything for any reason. For example:

-There is no "CTRL" button on Chuck Norris' computer because Chuck Norris is always in control.
-Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
-When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
-Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.
-It only takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.

All things considered, I think Chuck Norris has the edge over Todd Palin. While they are equally manly, Chuck Norris has been practicing his version of manly longer than Todd has. I give him the small edge due simply to experience.


Jenn said...

I'm with you. I was impressed by Todd Palin too, mostly because I tend to believe that great people usually have great support from the ones who love them most.

3:39 AM
normal mormon wife said...

Yay! Before you change your mind, I'll schedule a plane for us to skydive this weekend. We've already got the babysitter lined up. Woo hoo! Thanks to Todd for the inspiration.

7:04 AM
Col.Smeag said...

Your absolutlely right , I didn't realize untill now that I had been staring at Todd all nihgt. My gosh what a man! However I like the ideal of the steel workers union thing. I get images of burly guys with big muscles caring wrenches 3 feet long. If Todd has a 3 foot long wrench I need one too. Don't know what I would do with it but I would show it to all the other guys when they come over. I probabaly tell them how the 4 foot long wrench got away and how I will catch it some day and set a world record for the longest wrench captured in the wild. Todd ROCKS!

8:59 AM
The Motherboard said...

He's a burly man, that's for sure!

I like Sara's hair.

9:16 AM
Emilee said...

I feel like a freaking blogstalker since I don't even know you and I'm leaving a comment (I'm totally not like that....) Anyways, love the Palins, I think I've got the same type of crush as you but flipped (in a non-lez, normal, hey girlfriend, type of way)....I'm totally amazed by Sarah Palin, I don't know how women do these things, who is she! And yes, (I am totally happily married) her hubby is a Hot! BTW, you have a hilarious imaginatiion and I LOVE your chapters, and rap on BD, they are way better than the original....keep it coming!

9:19 AM
Anonymous said...

Totally agree with you!!! I love them both!

Tara :)

10:04 AM
Col.Smeag said...

Here's a Sarah Palin Update Oprah has refused to put her on the show says whe won't use her show for a political platform. Well if you feel like lettign her know here's the link to email here.

10:11 AM
Bil said...

I think I'm only about 25% (on good days) the manly man that Todd Palin is!!

Thanks for a great read!!

10:29 AM
Pappy Yokum said...

You forgot part of Todd's description as a USW member. While I don't like unions either, I picture Todd as one of those guys in the fire suits who stand ever so close to that molten pot of steel all day, slammed by heat with every pour - a job too hot for most men to handle. Also, those big wrenches those guys lug around - Todd probably carries one across each shoulder when he's on break.

11:36 AM
Gretchen said...

Not to destroy his mystique, but snowmachine is just what Alaskans call snowmobiles:

I can't help but wonder, is this just what life is like in Alaska? Maybe they kick you out if you aren't a "man's man."

11:50 AM
wonder woman said...

You're a funny guy. The only thing I knew about Palin previous to your post was that he was holding their child while she was speaking at the RNC.

That's impressive enough for me.

12:07 PM
Angela said...

In recollecting your great disdain for cold weather sports (remember all those winters when mom would literally BEG us to go outside and SLED like NORMAL CHILDREN!?!?!), I am surprised you find Todd Palin's snowmobiling so admirable. I would think it'd make you suspicious of his moral core . . .

Ahh, you Republicans. If Biden's wife had been a champion snowmobiler, you would have been ALL OVER HER. But since it's a Republican dude, it's great! It's wonderful! The hypocrisies!


Big Sis

12:38 PM

"Captain manly pants....".... Ummmmmmmm.... Hahahahaha! You seriously crack me up. You write really well. Please never stop blogging. I'm right there with Emilee being your "blog stalker". LOL!!

1:52 PM
The Peton's said...

I'm with you there. The Palin's are americas newest crush. Especially the cute 7 year old "spit styling" her baby bro's hair. Too cute! One question though - do eskimos have ninja skills?

2:13 PM
Anonymous said...

"...accept the contract that the company has proposed since it is fair and reasonable."

This has to be your most hilarious statement. As if big business has ever proposed a "fair and reasonable" contract. They're just sitting in their private jets laughing all the way to a Swiss bank.

Good one.

2:42 PM
Sandy said...

Well, I'm not sure that you'll really be "dying like a man" after just declaring that you have a man-crush...but I have to say that Todd Palin will make a much better looking, harder working and hopefully better acting "Second Man" than Bill Clinton would have been. And he calls himself the "First Dude". That's cool. I also wonder if on top of all that he's the primary caregiver to the baby - he might just stick him some sort of protective harness and pack him around to all those manly jobs.

3:32 PM

Todd Palin is the new Edward.

3:52 PM
LOLiTA said...

Very well written. I was very impressed with the Palin family.

Good luck on your goals. :)

5:42 PM
Katy and Landon said...

The image of Todd Palin ramming through the doors with his snowmobile to then use his ninja skills was genius! I could totally see him doing that!

Now the obvious question: who would win this deathmatch?
Todd Palin or Chuck Norris?

11:31 PM
Angela said...

He's Edward and Jacob rolled into one big hunk of uber-manliness!

11:42 PM
Jami said...

Ah the manly man-ness! And he changes diapers. Be still my heart!

12:14 AM
atchafalaya said...

What should Todd Palin run for?

Chuck Norris?

5:26 PM
Brian said...

Dude, my wife is in love with you. She found your blog randomly through google reader two days ago. I'm used to sharing her love, though. Her love is equally split between me, Edward, and her body pillow (she's pregnant). I guess you'll be added to this list.

Random note: I'm an engineer for Boeing and am witnessing the stupidity of unions first-hand. The biggest irony of it all is that the union workers want job security while holding the company hostage by going on strike. What a load of crap. I'm forced to be a member of SPEEA (engineering union), but I recently requested to be a Beck objector.

After skimming your post, I have to say that I have a mancrush on both you and Todd Palin. I hope McCain wins so that I can get some more of that eye candy.

- Fellow Normal Mormon Husband

9:19 PM
Anonymous said...

"supervillians who are ready to unleash an aggressive, unstoppable biological weapon on the earth that will kill everybody shorter than 6'5""

I am 5'2"!!!

12:59 PM
Chris said...

Todd Palin is the ultimate man! He does HOUSEWORK too and that puts him #1 in my book.

More men could be manly in their wive's eyes if they helped around the house without having to be asked or expecting a party.

8:56 AM