Every year we splurge a little bit and get season passes to Wet 'N Wild. We are just a little bit too budget conscious (read: cheap) to get a family pass to the YMCA or to join our community pool and tennis club, so Wet 'N Wild is where we normally go for summer fun. Labor Day weekend marks the end of the season so we made sure to squeeze in one last visit before they turned off the water, drained the swimming pools, and allowed homeless people to begin living in the covered slides for the winter.
Our youngest daughter is only three months old, so one of us had to stay with her in the shade while the other was responsible for making sure our seven-year-old son and four-year-old daughter did not do any of the following:
2) Wander off or get lost/abducted (which happens immediately if you take you take your eyes off of them for .03 seconds. And thanks a lot to Tom Cruise for the horribly frightening scene in The Minority Report when he takes his son to the water park, goes under water for thirty seconds, and then resurfaces only to find that his son was abducted while he was submerged. I am constantly afraid that every single person at the water park is scheming to abduct one or all of my children the moment I take my eyes off of them. Am I the only person bearing post-Minority Report mental scars?)
3) Accept funnel cake from strangers
4) Lose their goggles or flip flops
5) Monitor splashing intensity and refereeing between "it's okay to splash a little" and "you're splashing too much and annoying everybody around you, so stop it!"
While I was sitting in the shade with a sleeping infant I decided to bust out the camera and document our last day at Wet 'N Wild. Without further ado, here is a photo essay about how my summer ended: (I put smiley faces on people to protect the identities of the innocent.)
Observation #1) From Wet 'N Wild's Department of Irony and Sarcasm.....
No, I'm not having fun at the Baby Changing Station. There are a million other places at the water park where I would rather be right now, including the disgusting men's room with the sticky floor. The best comparison to how difficult it is to change a loaded swim diaper on a wet, squirmy, uncooperative baby is this: 1) Find and catch a jittery stray cat that is terrified of people. 2) Shave off all of the cat's fur. 3) Dip the cat in a bucket of lard. 4) Get out the ironing board. 5) Put a feline sweater on the cat while keeping it pinned to the ironing board throughout the entire process. Needless to say that the facial expressions of the parents grappling with their children did not match the smile of the model on the poster. Who did Wet 'N Wild employ to hang up their posters, anyway? Catbert?
Observation #2) Your Body Is a Temple...And a Canvass...And a Pin Cushion:
I'm pretty sure that Wet 'N Wild was running some sort of "Show a tattoo and/or body piercing and get a friend in free!" promotion over Labor Day weekend. Of the 5,000 people who were at the park, I think I counted fourteen of us who did not have tattoos or body piercings. We had to constantly hide from park security which was tracking us down one by one and throwing us out for "nerdifying" the environment. Now I know what Benji felt like in Benji the Hunted.
Observation #3: I Still Don't Get Speedos:
I will never, ever, ever be caught dead wearing a Speedo. I just don't get why some men wear them. Are there any Speedo aficionados out there? If so, please shed some light on this for me. There are only two legitimate reasons that I can think of to wear one: 1) You are from Europe and can trace Speedo wearing back to your great-great-great-great-great grampa and you would dishonor his memory by switching to trunks. 2) You lost a bet with a friend and this is your humiliating punishment. Are there any other legitimate reasons?
Observation #4: Little Boys + Flowing Water = Potty Humor
The picture says it all. What else would you expect a little boy to do when he sees a stream of water shooting out of a pole?
Observation #5: Fishing Nets In The Pool Are Bad. Very, Very Bad:
When the park staff begins quickly ushering every toddler out of the kiddie pool you had better scoop up your child and get him or her to dry ground as fast as if Jaws himself is on the prowl. Take a close look at that picture. Notice how there is something in the bottom of the net that is causing it to sag a little bit? Well, let's just say that not every parent spent the extra $5.25 to buy a pack of swim diapers before sending little Johnnie to go down the clam shell slide. Disgusting. I was hoping that somebody was playing the "Throw the Baby Ruth Into the Pool" gag, but I didn't see any caramely nougat or peanuts when they lifted the net from the water. The look on the guy's face who was responsible for wielding the net was priceless. I can guarantee that in his job description there is a sentence that says, "...and all other duties as assigned by management." I think they keep some of those "duties" vague for a reason.
Well, Wet 'N Wild, thanks for the memories! We had a great summer with you and we look forward to coming back next year.
We just hope next time the fishing net stays locked in the utility shed.