Water Parks and Bodily Functions

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Every year we splurge a little bit and get season passes to Wet 'N Wild. We are just a little bit too budget conscious (read: cheap) to get a family pass to the YMCA or to join our community pool and tennis club, so Wet 'N Wild is where we normally go for summer fun. Labor Day weekend marks the end of the season so we made sure to squeeze in one last visit before they turned off the water, drained the swimming pools, and allowed homeless people to begin living in the covered slides for the winter.

Our youngest daughter is only three months old, so one of us had to stay with her in the shade while the other was responsible for making sure our seven-year-old son and four-year-old daughter did not do any of the following:

1) Drown
2) Wander off or get lost/abducted (which happens immediately if you take you take your eyes off of them for .03 seconds. And thanks a lot to Tom Cruise for the horribly frightening scene in The Minority Report when he takes his son to the water park, goes under water for thirty seconds, and then resurfaces only to find that his son was abducted while he was submerged. I am constantly afraid that every single person at the water park is scheming to abduct one or all of my children the moment I take my eyes off of them. Am I the only person bearing post-Minority Report mental scars?)
3) Accept funnel cake from strangers
4) Lose their goggles or flip flops
5) Monitor splashing intensity and refereeing between "it's okay to splash a little" and "you're splashing too much and annoying everybody around you, so stop it!"

While I was sitting in the shade with a sleeping infant I decided to bust out the camera and document our last day at Wet 'N Wild. Without further ado, here is a photo essay about how my summer ended: (I put smiley faces on people to protect the identities of the innocent.)

Observation #1) From Wet 'N Wild's Department of Irony and Sarcasm.....

No, I'm not having fun at the Baby Changing Station. There are a million other places at the water park where I would rather be right now, including the disgusting men's room with the sticky floor. The best comparison to how difficult it is to change a loaded swim diaper on a wet, squirmy, uncooperative baby is this: 1) Find and catch a jittery stray cat that is terrified of people. 2) Shave off all of the cat's fur. 3) Dip the cat in a bucket of lard. 4) Get out the ironing board. 5) Put a feline sweater on the cat while keeping it pinned to the ironing board throughout the entire process. Needless to say that the facial expressions of the parents grappling with their children did not match the smile of the model on the poster. Who did Wet 'N Wild employ to hang up their posters, anyway? Catbert?

Observation #2) Your Body Is a Temple...And a Canvass...And a Pin Cushion:

I'm pretty sure that Wet 'N Wild was running some sort of "Show a tattoo and/or body piercing and get a friend in free!" promotion over Labor Day weekend. Of the 5,000 people who were at the park, I think I counted fourteen of us who did not have tattoos or body piercings. We had to constantly hide from park security which was tracking us down one by one and throwing us out for "nerdifying" the environment. Now I know what Benji felt like in Benji the Hunted.

Observation #3: I Still Don't Get Speedos:

I will never, ever, ever be caught dead wearing a Speedo. I just don't get why some men wear them. Are there any Speedo aficionados out there? If so, please shed some light on this for me. There are only two legitimate reasons that I can think of to wear one: 1) You are from Europe and can trace Speedo wearing back to your great-great-great-great-great grampa and you would dishonor his memory by switching to trunks. 2) You lost a bet with a friend and this is your humiliating punishment. Are there any other legitimate reasons?

Observation #4: Little Boys + Flowing Water = Potty Humor

The picture says it all. What else would you expect a little boy to do when he sees a stream of water shooting out of a pole?

Observation #5: Fishing Nets In The Pool Are Bad. Very, Very Bad:

When the park staff begins quickly ushering every toddler out of the kiddie pool you had better scoop up your child and get him or her to dry ground as fast as if Jaws himself is on the prowl. Take a close look at that picture. Notice how there is something in the bottom of the net that is causing it to sag a little bit? Well, let's just say that not every parent spent the extra $5.25 to buy a pack of swim diapers before sending little Johnnie to go down the clam shell slide. Disgusting. I was hoping that somebody was playing the "Throw the Baby Ruth Into the Pool" gag, but I didn't see any caramely nougat or peanuts when they lifted the net from the water. The look on the guy's face who was responsible for wielding the net was priceless. I can guarantee that in his job description there is a sentence that says, "...and all other duties as assigned by management." I think they keep some of those "duties" vague for a reason.

Well, Wet 'N Wild, thanks for the memories! We had a great summer with you and we look forward to coming back next year.

We just hope next time the fishing net stays locked in the utility shed.


Brian said...

Great post. When I'm having a bad day at work, I'll simply have to remember that picture and think "at least I'm not fishing poop out of kiddie pools."

Regarding your speedo comment...I too used to be an avid hater of speedos. Then I turned 25 and decided to do a triathlon. I'm a terrible swimmer, so I opted for the more efficient swimsuit than my board shorts...a knee length speedo. I have to admit, after many miles of swimming, biking, and running with very little coverage down there, you get used to it. Maybe I'll have to sport mine at the next ward beach party.

10:18 PM
normal mormon wife said...

I guess I better go return the Speedo I bought you for your next birthday. D'oh!

Loved the post.

5:02 AM
jeans said...

That Speedo isn't even very tiny, nor is that guy that out of shape. You needed to find one with a lot of gray chest hair and a beer belly wearing one of the really skinny Speedos. That one is practically "boyshorts."

brian, even if it's made by speedo, knee length is not what we all imagine when we say speedo. You're good.

5:26 AM
Natalie said...

Ah ha ha ha. This post was so funny!

6:37 AM
Jennifer said...

I love the cat comparison. Very spot on.

I agree with jeans, that Speedo picture is not that bad. I think I am sensing jealousy from NMH.

And yes, the Minority Report thing is scaring. Luckily you will notice that it happened to a dad trying to show off for his kid. That doesn't happen to moms, unless you tell one child to watch the other child while you go check in at the hotel during a class reunion ala Deep End of the Ocean. Luckily, I never plan on attending a class reunion, so I feel pretty safe.

7:44 AM
Gretchen said...

We went to a little water park over Labor Day weekend too. Our experience went beyond the "fish net." Someone threw up in the pool. Can't really fish that out. Everyone had to get out for almost an hour while they dumped all kinds of chemicals in. UGH. Luckily, we were leaving anyway.

8:05 AM
Paul & Daneen said...

Being the paranoid germ-a-fobe that I am I was thinking how gross the water was the whole time. Thinking of all the people swimming in there and how well they actually take care of their bodies. i.e. clean themselves. You didn't mention the bathrooms they almost made me go into labor. if I had remembered to bring my sanitizer I might have used it just like sun screen. Hey sanitizing sunscreen. Not a bad thought.

8:24 AM
Greg said...

As a former long time lifegaurd/Pool manager....I have been on plenty of Turd Wrasslin' adventures. I would like to say it got easier each time...but then I would be lying. And that's just the times that the "Baby Ruths" made INTO the pool!

8:39 AM
LuckyMatt said...

Your two reasons for wearing a speedo (at least the tiny kind) are about all that any "normal" person could think of. But most speedo-wearers aren't normal. Especially not the seventy-year-old guy with a pot belly wearing an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, bright-yellow, tiny speedo who kept parading back and forth in front of my wife and me and dozens of other innocent bystanders on the beach last year. It nearly ruined my day.

9:03 AM
megs said...

Ha! My husband wears a speedo UNDER HIS TRUNKS. He played waterpolo in highschool--requiring a speedo--and now he can't stand to get into the water without feeling all tucked in and secure. Once on a trip, I forgot to pack his speedo with his trunks, and he almost refused to swim! But, thank heavens, he wears trunks over the top:)

9:21 AM
Rebekah Pierce said...

I think they have the same rule at Lagoon about tatoos and piercings. Check your NMH e-mail for a picture from Lagoon.

11:23 AM
Tiffany said...

I don't know jeans...Brian is my husband and I can attest to the fact that even a knee length speedo is still not something that gives very much coverage...

In other news, funny post. I always enjoy a good laugh to start each day. :)

3:17 PM
Sonya said...

Priceless! Love the smiley faces...and sooo glad that my kids are potty trained...don't miss those days at all!

4:12 PM
Col.Smeag said...

You neglected to mention the "Cover your eyes so you don't go blind" category. maybe thats because it's the end of the summer instead of the the begining but I seem to fall in there some where. Being descended from rather large German and Dutch stock every time I take my shirt off at a pool hairy legged girls from Green Peace show up and try to throw me in the water. If I was wearing a speedo Guys from GP would probably show up too but that's off topic.

10:15 PM
Doug said...

Salt Lake County health dept. reports that public swimming pool transmitted 'crypto sporidia' cases dropped from 2400 to about 30 because of their informational ad campaign. Personally, they turned me against public pools. Hey, let's all go to Lake Fowell for one more blast of summer!

8:01 AM
Sandy said...

Wow - a poop in a pool net. Yikes...kinda makes me want to spend the hundred bucks on the WalMart inflatable pool and keep the germs within the family...

8:21 PM
Roxanne said...

ugh. Disgusting! Definitly not looking forward to that when i have kids! On another hand, i think ill just avoid public pools entirely!
As for speedos, i think its a piece of clothes that men, who think really highly of themselves, wear! Sort of like those tight muscle shirts... cause we all know they wear them to show off their muscles, right? So speedos are entitled for... well humm...
Anyways, i would only approve of a speedo if it was warned by Edward Cullen himself *sigh* but since he is a fictional character, yet another *sigh*, fat chance people! No speedo for me!

8:12 AM

Is it just me, or does the poster guy look BURNED?

I was paranoid before Minority Report. And I had managed to forget that scene. ... until now. thanks.


9:03 PM
kp said...

I can understand how someone is not comfortable with viewing speedos due to our fashion culture; however, I encourage men and women to compare swimming in form fitting suits to trunks.

I believe our culture does have a double standard in that it accepts women wearing form fitting swimwear that outlines their bulges and sometimes their nipples and their labia.

What is the aversion to the male form?

I wear a speedo because:
1. I do not get as cold as fast because speedos retain less water and I have low body fat.
2. I chafe less easy.
3. Speedos drag less air and water.

10:35 AM
Anonymous said...

What's wrong with a man wearing a speedo? Women are encouraged to wear the least amount of clothing as possible. For the poster who said an old man in a speedo ruined his entire day, I wonder if he is a miserable person who only worries about what others do. Just worry about yourselves and don't be concerned about other people. No wonder Americans have a bad image around the world! Sheesh, it's just clothing!

9:28 AM
Anonymous said...

As for the whole speedo thing, I wear one under my trunks and while im at the beach or pool. When at these places i take off trunks so I can tan better, I know it's weird but when actually walking around i feel kinda awkward lol

9:24 PM
Anonymous said...

WHY you guys hate speedos? Women got boobs bulges right and left, and guys got penises' bulges too down there, what's the big fuss here?

It's all natural and God created.

It's RIDICULOUS to wear that long, heavy, impractical board shorts to swim and once it hits the water
it will open like a parachute and I feel like wearing Cinderella gown in the water LOL.

C'mon don't MORMONS shower naked in the locker rooms as well openly in front of other guys too?

Americans are the weirdest people on earth.........

Shamelessly showing off in the gym locker rooms but act like

holy sissies in the swimming pools

C'mon guys wear speedos, it's not for showing off your junks but it's the most sanitary, appropriate swim wear than board shorts that can be worn to sit on dirty benches on public parks...

6:50 PM
Anonymous said...

the most ridiculous things here that guys who wear their SPEEDOS under their swimming trunks.............

why not taking off your TRUNKS


(Simpson Mode On)

6:52 PM
Anonymous said...

Speedos resemble the bikini bottoms women wear. It's OK for a woman to have short hair or wear jeans, but you think for a man to look like a woman is degrading. That's because you think being a woman is degrading. The reason you don't like speedos is the deeply ingrained sexism you're not even aware of.

9:34 AM
Anonymous said...

I guarantee you that no matter what your wife says, she is looking at those good looking men in speedos.

8:55 AM
Anonymous said...

I don't sewe why it's such a big deal that some men wear speedos. I mean they have an advantage in the way that it makes it easier to swim faster in the water. My friend, whom IS a boy and not gay, wears tight speedo like shorts called jammers for swimming team and others wear speedos and no one really cares. America needs to relax it's expectation on what clothing is exceptable, it's starting to get ridiculous.

10:36 AM
Anonymous said...

As an employee of Emerald Pointe, I am so glad you enjoyed your time with us. Oh and by the way the name of the job of the person who scoops the poop outta the pool, along with testing the water quality is "Aqua Tech" and honestly from what I hear it is not really all that bad.. hehe. I mean hey it can't be much worse than changing a babies diaper right?

9:31 AM
Anonymous said...

A speedo is the perfect suit to wear for swimming and tanning. I've been wearing speedos for several years now and I absolutely dread regular swim shorts now. It just feels like you're swimming with your pants on compared to a streamlined speedo. I just say wear what you want. Life is too short to care about society's fashion don'ts when the truth is, the speedo is waaaay more practical than shorts. You can't deny that.

5:54 AM
Anonymous said...

Cut-offs or nude or speedos, who cares, wear what ya want...

9:43 PM

I am male, in shape and have always worn speedos. Why? Very comfortable. If you get the right size you feel no tightness, so you are basically wearing no extra cloth to chafe or drag. Nylon (not spandex) speedo are light and dry fast.

12:42 PM
Unknown said...

Americans are silly and prudish to insist on bulky, impractical swim trunks. Guys in most of the world (Europe, Asia, Central & South America) wear speedos. Even in America they were not uncommon in the 1960's, 70's, and even the 80's. Now in America they are demonized and the target of crude jokes. Time to catch up, Americans!

5:32 PM
BaronZiffer said...

well the title of your blog says it all , there are a lot of things you don't get ... i lived in utah far too long ... and you guys are very backwards and bland out there. So no big surprise why an Isolated ,religious, "family orientated" (rolls eyes) guy like yourself would not get speedos... how about this put down the fake bible and join the rest of the world .

hated most of my time in Utah ,
signed: one who eventually got out of hell.

1:42 PM
Anonymous said...

I wear my speedos to the pool every evening for lap swimming. Because that is normal attire for the sport. I can't help it that I'm over fifty and am solid muscle with defined pecs and abs. Haven't heard any complaints about my swimsuits, ever, anywhere.

12:58 AM