Final Blueprints: The Ultimate Man Cave

Friday, October 17, 2008

Behold, the Ultimate Man Cave! (Vote on the right for the best new feature).

There were too many great comments to fit them all in, but here are the ones that stuck:

1) Replaced the mini-fridge/freezer with a soft serve ice cream dispenser. Thanks to J-Peter for the suggestion. Since the mini-fridge garnered a whopping 3% of the "Best Feature" vote, it could definitely be axed. I love soft serve ice cream. When the NMW and I went on our 10th Anniversary cruise last summer there was a dispenser on the Lito deck. I created a policy that every time we walked by that wonderful machine that I had to get myself a cone. By the end of the week I had probably wolfed down nearly 100 cones. And don't get me started on our visits to Golden Corral. I think the next time we go I am just going to stop all of the pretenses and just eat ice cream sundaes and nothing else until my gall bladder explodes and my blood turns to a thick, delicious, white cream.

2) Got rid of the game table in favor of a Foosball table and double Pop-a-Shot game. What was I thinking with the game table? With 2% of the "Best Feature" vote, you could call it the "lame table" instead. (Say it like Adam Sandler says, "Chlorophyll? More like Borophyll!" and it's quite a bit more amusing.) Big thanks to Big Tex and Capt Naykid for talking some sense into me. The Pop-a-Shots are the best. We had one in our basement growing up and spent many an hour down there. Every time we take the kids to Chuckie Cheese I manage to slip away and drop a few tokens into the Pop-a-Shot and make a run at the record. In my Man Cave there would be an abundance of mini basketballs as well. Nothing is more frustrating than waiting for balls to roll to you when you are in a groove on Pop-a-Shot.

3) Bathroom with TV. Anonymous, whomever you are, can take credit for this one. This would also be convenient for the guy who is pretending to watch Monday Night Football but really wants to see the season finale to ER or Ugly Betty but is afraid to admit it. He could claim that the window well chicken and ice cream upset his stomach, which would explain the long, frequent visits to the john. As soon as he leaves the bathroom after visibly crying and says, "Marua Tierny just left ER!", he will be forever banned from the Cave.

4) Video Game Room. Had to replace the lame/game table with something. BTW - I will accept any and all challenges for a one-and-done Double Dribble tournament. Puberty was jump started for me the first time I saw the close-up slow motion dunk sequence. Classic.

5) Sound-proof Kids Play Room. This is not only great for "watching the kids" at the same time you are watching the game, but it would be good for general use as well. You know, like the days when you get home from Church completely exhausted and you give the kids "quiet time" in their rooms so that you can take a nap? (Does everybody else do this as well?) Well, this will give them somewhere to go while you rest from the strenuous efforts on your day of rest.

6) The Theme. Isaac, you were dead on. The Man Cave needs a theme. Instead of doing a complete Lakers, BYU, or Carolina Panthers theme, I would find old photos showing my most memorable sporting moments and hang them on all of the walls. Every one of them would be a conversation starter and provide me with sports-related warm fuzzies. Here are a few of those moments off the top of my head:

1-Magic Johnson's "Baby Hook" to beat the Celtics in the NBA Finals. Greatest play in NBA history.
2-Marcus Allen's 74-yard cut-back touchdown run against Washington in the 1982 Super Bowl. I loved the Raiders as a kid. This was before you had to worry about getting shot for gang-related reasons for wearing Raiders apparel.
Ty Detmer leading BYU to a win over #1 Miami in Provo. I was there, stormed the field, and snatched a handfull of turf for posterity's sake.
4-A picture of Marty Haws and Andy Toolson from BYU's basketball team. These guys were my idols as a kid. I used to pretend that I was Marty Haws when I shot around in my front yard. When I was playing hoops in High School I was invited to play in a pretty selective pick-up league for good HS players and pros who were playing in Europe and needed to stay in shape. Well, both Haws and Toolson played in this league. I will never forget one sequence where I stripped Andy Toolson and outletted the ball to Marty Haws. Marty and I had a 2-on-1 fastbreak and he gave me a perfect feed. I took the pass and threw down a monster two-handed dunk. As I parachuted down from the rim, Marty slapped my backside and yelled, "Way to finish!" That is one of most single exciting moments in my sporting life.
5-A D-League picture of Randy Livingston. This is just to be a reminder that you can take nothing in life for granted. When I was playing in the national HS All-Star circuit my Senior year, Randy Livingston was hands-down the best player in the nation. He was going to be the next MJ. Well, he got hurt, had some troubles, and ended up spending a lot of time in the D-League. This still leaves me both flummoxed and perplexed to this day.
6-Nolan Ryan holding Robin Ventura in a headlock and giving him a nuggie after Ventura charged the mound. This is both funny and instructive. Funny because Nolan Ryan is like 48 years old at the time and whipping a young punk. Instructive because it serves as a good reminder to never start a fight with an old cowboy type like Nolan Ryan, no matter how old he is or how many barbed-wire-on-the-bicep tattoos you may have.
7-Joe Carter's walk-off home run to win the World Series. I was on the deer hunt and listened to this on the radio. My brother, two cousins and I were all hormonally imbalanced teen-agers at the time and were sitting around the campfire listening to the game. As the announcer yelled, "It's going...going..going...", my grandfather turned the radio off and asked, "Do you boys know what happened to David after he slaid Goliath?" Well, I never heard the rest of the radio announcer describing one of the most dramatic World Series moments in baseball history. On the good side, I never forgot what happened to David, either.

Okay, enough typing. I'm going to bed.

I just wish I had a Man Cave so that I could squeeze in a game of Pop-a-Shot before hitting the hay. Oh well, at least I will have something to dream about tonight.

And for the rest of my life...


Collin - A urinal! of course! How could I have forgotten the urinal???!!! I read an article several years ago about Rasheed Wallace installing urinals in his mansion. While Rasheed can be a bonehead on the court at times, he is a genius interior decorator. I vowed to my self that day that if I ever had the money that I would install urinals in the bathroom. And then I blew it with the Man Cave design! Thanks for the reminder. When and if I ever build a Man Cave I will call the urinal "The Collin Memorial Serenity Wall" in honor of your insight.


When I was in HS in AZ I could get KSL radio at night and I would listen to the Haws/Toolson teams while doing homework. I never saw them, but they sure sounded good.

I did see that BYU Miami game though, from the 40 yard line about half-way up in the student section. That game alone made spending the night on the sidewalk in front of the Marriott Center for season tickets SO worth it.

When you do build the Man Cave, put in a webcam so the rest of us losers can at least savor the Cave from a distance...

10:35 PM

When I was in HS in AZ I could get KSL radio at night and I would listen to the Haws/Toolson teams while doing homework. I never saw them, but they sure sounded good.

I did see that BYU Miami game though, from the 40 yard line about half-way up in the student section. That game alone made spending the night on the sidewalk in front of the Marriott Center for season tickets SO worth it.

When you do build the Man Cave, put in a webcam so the rest of us losers can at least savor the Cave from a distance...

10:36 PM
Kara said...

Is it a typical man that thinks a TV in the bathroom is more important than a sink in which to wash your hands?

7:02 AM
normal mormon wife said...

When you said "old photos showing my most memorable sporting moments," I thought you meant pics of YOU playing HS basketball and high jumping. I thought it was an...interesting idea. I like the hall of fame moments you really meant, though.

I would never lose the rest of this baby weight with a slurpee dispenser AND a soft serve ice cream machine in the house. Maybe I'd just have to play a whole lotta pop-a-shot to make up for it.

Let me know when construction is starting.

7:49 AM
Collin said...

what about a urinal?

A home urinal has to be the pinnacle of male luxury.

9:15 AM
Awesomness Ethan said...

The ultimate man cave deserves a remote control rc racing machine. I mean, what's more manly than cars?
And maybe a storage closet for all the sporting equipment and/or hunting guns to show off.

1:27 PM
Col.Smeag said...

Right on I love the Hibachi in the window well! Will the soundproof kids play room doubel as a meat locker? maybe turn down the thermostate to a chilly 32 degrees?
Sausages for roppe swings, Beef rack of ribs for a slide, or a steak tendreizer bounce house?

2:42 PM
Anonymous said...

Not sure about your favorite sports moments. I couldn't agree more with #1. But as you are such a Dback homer, I thought the little mousey Counsell's hit off Riv would make top 7. And what about the time you dunked on some poor kid during a summer league pick up game and he went crashing into the wall and got a huge cut around the eye?
But what a great man cave!

5:49 PM
Nelson said...

I think you would need one of the small TVs on the side to be able to see into the sound proof kids room because when you are back in your recliner it will be hard to turn around and look into the room and it will be a pain to have to sit up and turn around. Solution: put a security camera in the room and have it connected to one of the small TVs so you can get a quick look at what is going on with the kiddos without missing any of the game. Oh, and of course you will need Tivos on the all the TVs.

10:18 AM
BigDaddy said...

Ah, my own private urinal. That is the thing dreams are made of ROFL. NMH, for me A Man Cave is becoming more of a necessity. I'm happily married going on 18 years and i have 2 teenage daughters! (well one's close 11, but she thinks she's teenager already). I think it might be time to refinance the house and build it. Now more than ever, I need my fortress of solitude ;)

2:36 PM
Anonymous said...

Alright guys... I'm not married, but it's not like I'm not lookin! But seriously, this sounds like the stud pad of the future! I'm likin it! Seriously... if you need couches or crap, I'm there!

7:12 PM
Anonymous said...

A thought about your soft serve ice cream maker. I can tell by your excitement that you haven't ever had to clean one, and I can tell you it is a pain in the butt. I think a fridge is much better, but my personal preference would have to be a soda fountain with favorite sodas and ice 'on tap'

11:24 AM
Vlazny's said...

Wasn't the sound effects of Double Dribble the best? And how irritating and awesome at the same time was the Clang when you missed the dunks?

5:10 AM
Vlazny's said...

P.S. You can come by and we can play Double Dribble, or Super Tecmo Bowl whenever you like. I still have the 8bit and games.

5:11 AM
Sean said...

Just a suggestion. How about using one of the TVs at the right for a surveillance monitor. Have a couple of cameras in the playroom. You don't want to strain yourself, by looking away from the TVs to make sure the kiddos are not killing each other.

5:22 AM
Nelson said...


I like your sounds really familiar though.

12:08 PM
Sean said...

Sorry Nelson. Didn't read all the comments.

3:23 PM
Anonymous said...

"Man Cave" was a term invented by the HGTV network. Find out the real deal at

Be A Man.

- The Founding Father

11:13 PM
Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! It makes me feel better that my hubs watches way too much tv- is clogging his arteries with junk food- and watches sports/tv way more (I mean 99.9% more) than reading his scriptures- and he is raising my 3 young boys to do the same. I guess he is not the only one... Maybe men should stay home and women should be in the work force. I think we would be in a better economic state right now.

6:49 AM
Anonymous said...

The problem with the placement of your pool table is the lack of space between the table and two of the walls. I know I'm commenting late, so sorry. But playing pool when you have to put the end of your stick up really high to avoid hitting the wall (or gun cabinet, as occasionally happens) is really obnoxious.

11:50 AM