The Man Cave

Friday, October 10, 2008

The scriptures tell us that we shalt not covet. We are specifically warned against coveting our neighbor's houses, wives, man-servants (Deacon who cuts his lawn?), maid-servant (semi-legal Puerto Rican nanny?) or farm animals (children?).

Fortunately for me, there is no specific warning against coveting your father's house. In my latest trip from North Carolina back home to Utah my dad was giddy to show me how he had finished his basement. When I say giddy, I mean Christmas Eve giddy. The night before Stake Lagoon Day giddy. Learning that the Lakers traded a washed-up player, a bottle of Ex-Lax, and a $2 bill for Paul Gasol giddy. And he had reason to be so excited.

He created a man cave.

And I'm not really coveting, per se, because that's bad. I am perfectly content with my man cave-less house. But let's just say that if somebody offered to construct a similar room in my house that I'd be all over that like Oprah on a hot ham.

My dad's basement has a a High Def ceiling-mounted projector that enables you to watch NBA players in life size proportions. You can nearly taste Derron Williams' sweat and understand every single one of Jerry Sloan's F-bombs as your body molds into a Luv Sac or a Lazy Boy. The Lazy Boys even have cup holders. In addition to the iMax TV experience, there is a pool table and a foosball table that are put to use during halftime or when the Lakers are losing by 86 points to the Celtics in the NBA Finals. I truly bonded with my dad as we relaxed in the dark and watched the Jazz first pre-season game. Most of our sentences consisted of three words or less and sounded like, "Nice huss'", "Bad pass", "Hit a jumper!", or "Good helpside", but it brought us together like eating undercooked pancakes at a Fathers and Sons outing.

My dad then waxed me at pool to assert his silverback/alpha-male status. It was good times.

The visit to the man cave has caused me to think about what my personal man cave would look like if I ever had the room and the money to do it. I'm pretty sure that my recent investments in Fanny Mae and Lehman Brothers will soon pay off big time and give me some free cash to play around with. Hold on while I check their stock quotes....Guh...arrrgh....uuggghhh.

Okay, I will never be able to build a man cave. But if I could here is what it would look like:

I was also trying to work out enough room to build a sound-proof child play area, but after heavy consideration I went with the game table and pantry.

Guys, what do you think? Go ahead and vote in the poll to let me know what needs to stay and what could go. Post some comments as well to list additional items that should ideally be squeezed into the man cave. And ladies, you often tend to have a better eye for interior decorating, so please post some suggestions as well.

Since my Fanny May and Lehman investments are not paying off, I'll have to save enough money for my future man cave through other means.

If any of you want to fire the Deacon who mows your lawn or let go of your semi-legal Puerto Rican nanny, please let me know. I'm looking to supplement my income.


LuckyMatt said...

You've gotta add a double bowling lane, like the one I saw in a 21,000 square foot Parade of Homes monstrosity in Saint George in February.

Also, you need a sauna next to the walk-out basement door to the hot tub would also be nice. Not because I even like saunas, but just because it's cool to say you have one (non-utilitarian chest-beating should always be part of a man-cave).

12:12 PM
Sandy said...

I just think you need to move your BBQ window back just a little so you don't actually have to leave the recliner to grill up a few steaks.

12:49 PM
wonder woman said...

uh, where's the lovesac? And just convert a neighboring bedroom into the kids' play room. But put a window in the wall shared with the man cave, you know, so you can look every now and then from your recliner and make sure no one's dead. Use some thick panes of glass to ensure the sound proofness.

(As a woman, naturally I want to make sure my husband can take care of the kids without disrupting his guy time, while I go for my girls' night out/scrapbooking.)

1:16 PM
Anonymous said...

Neglect not the man cave bathroom with a plasma screen. So you don't miss a second of the game on account of natures call.

3:19 PM

I think if you're gonna do food, do it all the way. Full Kitchen, complete with chef/server. And you probably ought to have full fountain drink dispensers between each recliner, and a vacuum tube system for getting snacks from the snack cupboard. All that walking around could kill somebody.

4:14 PM
Isaac W said...

A theme is essential for any man cave. The wallpaper, upholstery, and ceiling fan should be emblazoned with an appropriate symbol, such as the Lakers logo. Everything should be in the appropriate color scheme to reveal the dedication of the man cave's owner.

4:15 PM

Trade out the slurpee machine for a soft serve ice cream dispenser and it is starting to look like my man cave, That game table should have a rotating center, just the right size for that settlers map. I have wanted to do that for a while.

6:23 PM
normal mormon wife said...

Here's what I'm envisioning:

I'm thinking skee-ball, pop-a-shot, and Dance Dance Revolution in one corner.

Batting cages in another.

And we need a big ticker with sports stats scrolling across so we can talk smack to each other about our fantasy sports teams.

Wait...maybe I want to move into Chuck E. Cheese...preferably without the smell of dirty kids...unless they're our dirty kids.

7:33 PM
Col.Smeag said...

Following Items Are slated to built in my "Man Cave" in 2031 (Revised date old date 2001)

A secret slide entrance from the upstairs bathroom(is BatPoles)

Indoor grill and microwave will complete the kitchen (only frozen or grilled will touch these lips)

3 feet of cork in the walls will make it completly sound proof

An excersie machine that doubles as a clothes hanger ( moved from master bedroom)

3 big screen plasam TVs ( whichever are moist expensive at the time cuz then there better right)

Soda fountain that only dispense 32 oz of Dr Pepper at a time with ice.

jacuzzi (need I say more)

A walk in frezzer to hang the beef.

and a Sherpa to hang out with(those guys are just the coolest)

assorted vibrating couches and recliners.

No exit becuase once I'm in I'm staying!

8:43 PM
Jared said...

You haven't talked about the sound system. You can, of course, mount all speakers to the walls but any self-respectable Man Cave needs to be designed to optimize the sound. A massively overpowered receiver hooked up to 7.1 speakers is preferable; actually if you can power 2 or 3 subwoofers, that'd be even better. A big screen doesn't mean much without 50,000 watts of DTS sound to blow you and your eardrums away. That should be just enough power to register on USGS Earthquake Hazards Program sensors.

8:44 PM
BigDaddy said...

So who is going to take all these great suggestions, put pen to paper and draw up the 'official' blue prints of this Ultimate Man Cave? Because I definitely want a copy :)

11:34 PM
Col.Smeag said...

So who is going to take all these great suggestions, put pen to paper and draw up the 'official' blue prints of this Ultimate Man Cave?

So here's the plan while in Sacrament meeting tomorrow every steal crayons from your kids and draw plans on the back of the programs. When your wife gives yo funny looks just explain your loving your kiddies.Or if you teah primary have coloring seesion, plenty of time there.

7:58 AM
Anonymous said...

Thou shalt not covet thy fathers wife, you perv!

10:16 AM
PokeyAnn said...

Just make sure that the arms on at least two of the recliners go up, so you can have snuggle time with NMW ;). Also where's the popcorn maker? And of course the potty with T.V. as mentioned before.

1:29 PM
bioman75 said...

Missing stadium seating. More friends can join in the fun with optimized viewing.

Also you need to an elevated stage for the Rock Band (don't forget the add on stage kit).

A full root beer bar (A&W tap!) and ice cream bar (think cold stone set up).

Also I agree with Isaac about a theme. I saw a cool batman themed man's cave complete with stalactites. It was cool.

I would also go with some old school arcade games to pass the time during halftime.

2:13 PM
The Fear Fam said...

I'm with NMW on the skee-ball thing.

And I'm still cracking up about "Oprah on a hot ham." :)

6:39 PM
Andymann said...

You had me at slurpee machine.
I agree about the whole sound system thing. I would also suggest getting a THX rating...18"-22" of insulation all the way around.
Maybe the jacuzzi as well.

8:54 PM

You know, it's a shame NC doesn't have basements 'cause I think basements were made for man caves. Growing up, my brother had the basement for his room and we affectionately called it the bat cave because it was dark and damp. But no cave is complete without crickets that eat the buttons off the remote (yes, we really had that happen- it was an old house)

4:35 PM
Anonymous said...

Just have to say Catan rocks...if you like this, you should try Carcasonne. It is almost as good.

4:37 PM
Anonymous said...

"semi-legal Puerto Rican nanny"
Sorry, just have to point out that ALL Puerto Ricans are indeed legal, we have been citizens since 1917. I get tired of illegal jokes comparing us to other hispanics who may not be.
Now back to your man cave. May I suggest vinyl coverings over all? that way no messes to clean.

10:31 PM
Anonymous said...

My little brother has converted the extra bedroom in our house to what he calls "the Man room." It connects to his bedroom through his bathroom, too.

While it isn't super elaborate, it definitely has a nice TV (maybe two? its been a while since I've been there), several video game systems, a couple of futons, an entertainment center, nice speakers, a fridge, a microwave, a games closet, etc.

12:10 PM
BigTex said...

Personally, I think pool tables are over done. Foosball is the way to go. The average "man game night party" consists of more than you and one other friend. much more difficult to get as many people involved in the game with a pool table - I've even seen 8 guys play one game of foosball (each guy got one line of foosball men and it was funny to watch, and they had a load of fun with it).

FOOSBALL not pool!

7:06 AM
Anonymous said...

Do you have a nice woman to serve you in your man cave? You gotta have one of those too right?
She's gotta be hot and in shape. She's gonna need to be so she can do all them squats (to pick up after you men), strong arms to wipe up all those spills (from getting too excited and throwing your arms all over like well- a cave man), and she should be wearing little to no clothes because then MAYBE she'll get a tip or two (and be noticed).

Not only will she do all this for you but when the kids run in and are too loud she can always take them out and you won't have to. AHHH good idea, yeah?

You should probably put a bathroom in there somewhere too. One with a fan, some butt wipes (for them hard to clean times), a sink to wash up after those hard to clean times (no one wants you putting your nasty hands back in the popcorn bowl after using the bathroom)... just some things to think about.

I think a nice comfy bed would be good too. I know with my man he tends to get tired after sitting too long, or eating too much. Since guys tend to snore (really loud) that might be a distraction to your game... so it might be good if the chairs had wheels on them so when you fall asleep, the other guys (or the hot chick you hired to care for you men) could wheel that chair into another room/closet so that person could sleep without someone writing on his face and sticking popcorn up his nose and everyone else would still be able to enjoy the game in peace.

The closet or other room would be good to hide your Hot chick in when you wives come to check up on you too. (no wife wants to see another woman serving her man (in ANY way!)

10:29 AM
Cpt Naykid said...

I love the layout. Fabulous! Now you have me coveting...ops...

My one recommended addition other than the bowling alley (nice!) would be side by side basketball hoop know, the ones you shoot as fast as you can and it counts how many points you score while the basket moves forwards and backwards counting them as two-pointers or three-pointers. But there has to be two of them so you can have head-to-head competition with your fellow cave men.

11:50 AM
Roxanne said...

Ok well first off, i love the slurpee dispenser!!! Stupid question coming up - do they exist for real? Being Canadian, ive only dreamed about them or seen them on the Simpsons...

My fiance and I have a similar set up for our basement except that everything is crammed in one room of the basement. When we were house hunting, there was 3 features we needed: a pool, central a/c and a room long enough to contain a projector. Happy to say we got 2 out of 3!
Us being avid movie fans, there was no way that we would buy a house without room for a projector.
We had to fill the room bit by bit since we are obviously not made of money so of course, the projector was first. Then came the couch, recliners of course. My fiance actually had found these sweet red velvet theater chairs for sale on Ebay. He really wanted them but that would have entitled to destroy the walls and make the room bigger... again, not made of money!
So our small room is comprised of a huge 3 place recliner couch and the projector(placed behind us, shooting on the wall in front). The room as two closet, one small and one huge, which are filled with dvds and board games.

You definitly need to keep the game table! You need it for during breaks and half times and everything else in between shows or games.

As for the window on the side... I think you just need to stick to bathroom. You know to bring you back to reality. You might then notice ask yourself whats that smell and when was the last time you took a shower!!?

Last thing you need in the room is posters, figurines or any merchandise related to your theme. In our case, we have a 3 pager/poster of Gollum on one side, half of Shrek's head on the other, beside the huge Transformers standee. And lets not forget my Lord of the Rings figurine!

Ok so now, whos got wood? I need some for my roads! Settlers of Catan rocks! :D

12:25 PM