The All-Gadianton Robber Fantasy Football Team

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The final Book of Mormon themed end-of-season fantasy football award goes to the All-Gadianton Robbers team. In 3rd Nephi 2 we read that the Gadianton robbers, "did slay so many of the people, and did lay waste so many cities, and did spread so much death and carnage throughout the land" that the people took up arms against them. We know that the Book Mormon was written for our day and may have been warning us about the behavior of modern NFL players. But instead of taking up arms against pro football players, we pay them millions of dollars and then draft them on our fantasy football teams.

The All-Gadianton Robbers team consists only of NFL players who have been arrested or convicted of crimes during their pro football careers (though not always convicted.) As I was researching NFL players who have had run-ins with Johnny Law I found a hilarious letter from the oft-arrested Adam "Pacman" Jones' lawyer to the NFL commissioner asking for leniency for his client. In short, Pacman's lawyer documented every arrest of an NFL player over the past sever years to show the Commish that Pacman should not be suspended because, well, every NFL player breaks the law. After reading the brief, I fully agree with Pacman's lawyer (read the report here.)

The All-Gadianton Robbers team features three of the best Wide Receivers in the NFL. This team would have scored 1,923 points in our 17-week fantasy football season, which would have put this team of bad boys in the playoffs. I guess it is true that nice guys finish last. Maybe in 2009 I will only draft players with a criminal history and win the Super Bowl again next year. I'm already salivating about the possibility of having Michael Vick tossing touchdowns to Matt Jones. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 All-Gadianton Robbers team:

QB1-Matt Schaub: 181 fantasy points - Assault and battery.
QB2-Jeff Garcia: 164 fantasy points - Drunken driving.

RB1-Dominic Rhodes: 186 - DUI; Domestic abuse.
RB2-Jamal Lewis: 165 - Conspiring to possess cocaine with the intent to distribute.
RB3-Ricky Williams: 143 - Expired tags on Hummer, no license, driving 126 mph, failure to appear in court, improper lane change.

WR1-Steve Smith: 262 - Assault on a teammate during a film session.
WR2-Brandon Marshall: 262 - False imprisonment; Domestic violence.
WR3-Randy Moss: 235 - Careless driving after pushing a traffic officer a half a block with his car; Marijuana possession.

TE1: Kellen Winslow: 102 - Disregarding safety.
K: Neil Rackers: 131 - Assault during a nightclub altercation.
DL: Ray Lewis: 137 - Felony murder and aggravated assault in the deaths of two men following the Super Bowl.
DB: Charles Woodson: 119 - Public drunkenness, outstanding warrants, driving on a suspended license.

I found the Pacman report so intriguing and hilarious that I have listed some of the highlights below for your reading pleasure. Some of these arrests are so funny that you may want to use the restroom before reading them. Or you can just go to your nearest closet (don't worry, it will make sense in a minute.) The correct answers are at the bottom of the post.

1. Who was charged with urinating outside a downtown club?
a) Terrence Kiel - S, San Diego
b) Anthony Henry - CB, Dallas
c) Adam Sandler in Big Daddy
2. Who was charged with interfering with pedestrian or vehicular traffic?
a) Travis Taylor - WR, Minnesota
b) Tatum Bell - RB, Denver
c) People who ride scooters down busy city streets
d) Gary Lightbody - Lead singer, Snow Patrol, during the Chasing Cars video

3. Who was arrested after a woman told police that he had broken into her university dormitory and defecated in a closet?
a) Deion Branch - WR, Seattle
b) Najeh Davenport - RB, Green Bay
c) The 2008 Detroit Lions
d) Johnny Fairplay

4. Who was charged with failure to obey a lawful command after he allegedly refused to stop dancing outside a South Beach club?
a) Dhani Jones - LB, Philadelphia
b) Nick Goings - RB, Carolina
c) Napoleon Dynamite
d) Ozone from Breaking II: Electric Boogaloo

5. Who was arrested and charged with pulling a pellet gun on two fans who approached his car while waiting in line at a McDonald's window?
a) Dwight Smith - S, Tampa Bay
b) Lance Briggs - LB, Chicago
c) Ralphie with his Red Rider BB gun
d) Clark Girzwold at Wally World in Vacation

6. Who was arrested for arriving late for a court date on traffic charges?
a) David Terrell - WR, Chicago
b) Cedric Benson - RB, Cincinnati
c) The White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland
d) Mormon parents with five kids and 8:30 a.m. sacrament meeting

7. Who was charged with theft and filing a fraudulent insurance vehicle insurance claim?
a) Cletis Gordon - CB, San Diego
b) Brock Marion - S, Detroit
c) Winona Ryder
d) Homer Simpson and Moe Syzlack (see video here)

8. Who was charged with simple assault after allegedly striking a gate agent when the attendant would not allow him to board a late-night flight?
a) David Boston - WR, Miami
b) Greg Jennings - WR, Green Bay
c) The line of passengers on Airplane!
d) The Normal Mormon Husband after repeated delays trying to get in and out of Charlotte on USAir business flights

9. Who was arrested and charged with harassment and menacing for allegedly pulling a gun at a car repair shop after arguing about repairs and work done on his car?
a) Leonardo Carson - DT, Chargers
b) Anthony Gonzalez - WR, Indianapolis
c) Clark Howard, consumer advocate and syndicated radio host
d) 92% of the customers of Sears Tire & Auto Center

10. Who was arrested for allegedly assaulting his roommate with scalding water?
a) Brett Goode - C, Green Bay
b) Kenyatta Jones - OL, New England
c) Aqua Man
d) The coffee server at the McDonald's drive thru

Answers: 1-a, 2-a, 3-b, 4-a, 5-a, 6-a, 7-b, 8-a, 9-a, 10-b


Jon-Michael said...

Is that just Ricky Williams rap sheet from this season alone? The guy has A LOT more on his record than that. Especially when you consider he was suspended for a year for violating the league's anti-drug policy a few years ago for smoking cheeba on a regular basis.

8:52 AM
Leslie said...

This is hilarious and yet so sad.

10:41 AM
R Max said...

I got all the quiz answers wrong. I think I'll stick to rugby crims.

12:32 AM