Breaking News: Twilight Actors Replaced in New Moon!

Friday, December 05, 2008

Earlier this week I broke into the Summit Entertainment studios and managed to sneak a peek at some of the top secret filming of the New Moon movie, so I am going to be the first person to break the news about some of the HUGE casting changes they have decided to make. But before dishing out the biggest scoop in the entertainment world, I just wanted to clarify one thing:

I enjoyed the Twilight movie.

This sentiment did not come across in my last post because I did not want to write a movie review since that had already been done at a billion other websites. Most of these reviews said something to the effect of, "IMO, Edward wuz 2 hot 4 me to handle! He can suck my blood 24/7, LOL!", and how could I top that level of professional analysis? My approach in my last post was to simply point out some of the more humorous thoughts that raced through my mind while snuggling up to the NMW in a nearly deserted theater during our hot date.

The main reason for my enjoyment of Twilight was primarily due to what the movie lacked (e.g. profanity, gratuitous sexuality, harsh violence, famous actors who despise the U.S. of A., etc.) - not for anything special the movie had. If I had not read Twilight before seeing the movie, I would not have cared about the characters or understood why Bella and Edward were so attracted to one another. There was so much character development to cram into 90 minutes that the plot was rushed and the characters were shallow, but I still liked seeing how my mental image of the book compared to the movie. However, because I read the book I fully understood the deep, passionate reasons behind the love that Bella and Edward shared, namely that Bella is lustful and Edward cannot resist her smell. If love cannot survive when founded upon those two principles, then no relationships can endure. Heck, those are precisely the two factors that have kept the Normal Mormon Wife and me happily married for 11 years now.

Anyway, back to the big news about casting for New Moon. Apparently some of the Twilight actors demanded outrageous salaries to shoot New Moon and refused to begin working until their salary requirements were honored. Summit Entertainment is a small company and could not meet the salary demands of some of the actors, so they decided to simply replace them with capable backups. Replacing the stars from the first film with other actors in the sequel happens all of the time and the sequels still do great. For example, Jason Bateman replaced Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf Too and Cuba Gooding Jr. replaced Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Camp and both sequels did great! In fact, I think Jason Bateman won an Oscar for his performance and Daddy Day Camp moved past Titanic for the highest grossing film of all time. Or at least I think that's true, but I'm too lazy to research it.

Let's hope New Moon can pull off the new cast as seamlessly as other sequels have done in the past. I risked jail time to find this stuff out, so I hope you appreciate it. Feel free to vote for the best replacement.

Lisa Ling to Play Eric: The actor who played Eric was demanding $1.9 million because his New Moon contract called for him to, "Begin aggressive estrogen hormone treatments to increase character femininity. Watch Ellen and Oprah on a daily basis. Stop playing fantasy football, unless you are a cheerleader. Shop at Tuesday Mornings." Eric was not willing to make the lifestyle changes necessary to play such an effeminate role, so Summit just cast a woman instead.

Michelin Man to Play Carlisle:It took 6 1/2 hours to apply all of the white face makeup to get the actor in character to play Carlisle. The total cost of makeup application was $16.3 million, so Summit is just going straight to the always-pale Michelin Man. He even looks dashing in a scarf, which is a requirement for playing Carlisle.

Feather Duster to Play Alice: There were three criteria for the Alice replacement:
1) Rail-thin physique
2) Perky black hair
3) No dialogue required
A feather duster costs $4.99 at Home Depot and is non-union. Why not?

Mannequin with Squirrel on Head to Play Edward: Casting a new Edward was a fairly simple process. Summit Entertainment went out looking for an actor with washboard abs, pale skin, unchanging dramatic facial expression and really poofy hair. Fortunately for the casting department, the Summit lot shares a dumpster with a Macy's department store that had just discarded a bunch of old mannequins. Or maybe they were retired employees. Oh well, that's beside the point. A squirrel and perched itself atop one of the mannequin heads and - BOOM! - the search for Edward ended.

Teen Wolf to Play Emmett: A number of you pointed out in your comments on my last post that Emmett was always standing up in the jeep or convertible he was driving in. Now that you mention it, this was the most important part of the Emmett character. We all know that "van surfing" was first popularized by Teen Wolf, so Summit decided to go old school and find the only person who could one-up Emmett when it came to standing on moving vehicles. There will also be some emotionally wrenching scenes as Emmett struggles with his self-loathing for being a vampire and a werewolf at the same time.

Headless Horseman to Play James: The casting call for James (who makes a surprising cameo in New Moon) went like this: "Wanted: Immortal, terrifying white male with no head. Must be comfortable around vampires, werewolves, giddy teen-aged girls and escapist LDS housewives." The casting crew nearly selected the guy who got his noggin blown off in Glory, but went with the Headless Horseman instead.

Whoopi Goldberg to Play Laurent: It is creepy how much these two look alike. Seriously. I've been having nightmares that Whoopi Goldberg is interviewing me on The View when I suddenly notice that her eyes are blood red! Just as she bears her fangs and darts for my neck, Elizabeth Hasselbeck comes from out of nowhere to save my life. As we dismember Whoopi's corpse and burn the remains, we also try to burn a DVD of the movie Eddie but the movie never dies....(wake up shivering in a cold sweat.)

Edward Scissorhands to Play Jasper: This one is courtesy of a comment made by Violetsareblue in my last post. Spot on, Violets, spot on. Both of these characters have the same creepy, nervous, frail, quivering, pale, socially awkward qualities about them. Summit Entertainment learned that Johnny Depp had a huge fan base from his 21 Jump Street days, so they went after him. He apparently made some pirate movies too, but I haven't heard much about those.

Tow Mater to Play Bella's Truck: Okay, I know I mentioned this one in my last post, but when you see the side-by-side comparison you have to laugh. I honestly think that Summit Entertainment stole the real Tow Mater truck, removed the eyes, smile and wench and plugged it into the film. I wonder if Pixar is going to come save Tow Mater from Summit's production facility by sending in the Dynoco helipcopter for a covert resuce mission...

In the end it really will not matter who plays the supporting roles in New Moon. The movie will be 3 hours long and 2 1/2 of those hours will feature Bella crying about losing Edward and listening to emo music.

Oh well, at least the 30 minutes featuring Edward will be entertaining.

After all, everybody loves squirrels!

48 comments

Becky said...

oh my goodness. THANK YOU. I was about to explode with rage after trying to get monkey one and monkey three in bed and asleep. I decided to hide in "the cave" where I couldnt hear them being naughty and check my blog roll, and Im so glad I did. I laughed so hard that my husband actually left the game upstairs to see what was going on.
The squirrel comment SLAYED me.

11:09 PM
Amy Btw M said...

These are hilarious, spot on!

11:14 PM
Graham P.B. said...

Hahaha, oh man oh man! The one downside of you blogging on Twilight is there's nothing funny left for me to say about it...but that's fine, you've got the best scoops out there.

There's got to be some actress out there with more junk in the trunk and Clorox in her hair that can replace whoever played Rosalie though...

12:12 AM
Kari said...

except for changing Edward, everything else was really funny. But, please leave Edward (jerkface # 1, I believe you've said before) ALONE. He's perfect and always will be. Right girls?

8:07 AM
Amy said...

This was hilarious. I was thinking Edward Scissorhands ever time Jasper walked into a scene as well.

Have you seen the pics of Kristen Stewart smoking pot on her front porch? Its no wonder she is such a monotone autopilot actress. She's probably trying not to think about munchies in every scene.

I can't go see any more Twilight movies by Catherine Hardwicke. This one was so bad I had to reread the book to get the stupid actors out of my head and get the people I imagined back. Not to mention they slaughtered the meadow scene--it was barely recognizable. Urgh, that kind of bad directing just can't be forgiven.

10:03 AM
Amy said...

(and sorry Kari, but I think RPattz is so fugly. His eyes make him look gay, and his hair is out of control. Plus he is EMO and a drunk....watch the movie and then reread the book---Stephenie Meyer was right to be worried about how he'd portray her Edward, considering he played him as a junkie depressed dude on the verge. She only said she liked how it came out because she had to so she can have some say in future films)

10:05 AM

oh my gosh! the Jasper/Edward Scissorhands is EXACTLY what my mom and I thought the first time we saw the movie! We're just like..."He looks like Edward SCissorhands! Acts like him too!" so there you go! And then the mannequin with the squirrel....i was laughing so hard my mom came in to see what the heck I was reading...

11:50 AM
Sandy said...

Hilarious! My faves are the mannequin with the squirrel and Edward Scissorhands:)

I guess Bella met your professional approval? My suggestion for her would be Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas - the ragdoll who falls in love with the well-meaning, but slightly askew monster who wishes for more than his scary lifestyle. Pale, dark hair, sewn-on expression - she's perfect. And she's animated, so it'll make those future Bella-is-a-vampire-too movies a bit more realistic.

1:24 PM
Kristi said...

A feather duster. Perfect.

2:01 PM
Alisa said...

My heart dropped down to my feet when I read the first little bit of your post. I personally love all of the characters besides Bella/Kristen. Very funny though. You had me in the end.

2:54 PM
heather said...

Pure comedic genius.

10:06 AM
Jillian said...

Haha, this is hilarious.

I love Alice though! She is one of my favorite characters, she might have well be a feather duster for all the lines she was give though.

11:38 AM
Jenee said...

I loved the Edward Scissorhands comparison! Thanks for the laugh!

3:52 PM
lauren said...

My personal favorite had to either be Alice as a feather duster or Edward as a mannequin.

This was hysterical!

4:38 PM
Alisa and Jared said...

Having not read the books, and just seen Twilight (or "Capusculo", as it is titled in Mexico)...I'm glad to know that I didn't miss out on the lust/smell connection that is so important in every relationship! Hahaa...at least I now understand why my husband stays with me...it must be the smell of my blood! :-)

4:56 PM
Col.Smeag said...

Did you know that towmater actually played Bella's truck in the book. Whe she first sees the truck she mentions soething about it having a mouth??? Fact or Fiction you decide.

9:17 PM
Wendilynn said...

That was hysterical. Too funny.

I just found this website. Love it.

2:44 AM
Tanja said...

I wish Johnny Depp would take the role. I could watch him all day! The mannequin comment was my favorite by far. Sometimes in the the movie I wondered if Edward was constipated.

7:18 AM
Brenna said...

You had me in absolute stitches. I am a loyal reader and I knew going into the theater that the movie would be nowhere near as good as the book. I agree with your comments on the film 100%. Also, it's a good thing that, aside from being a Normal Mormon Husband, you are also a Normal Mormon Spy. Only a NMS could break into Summit and get the real scoop on the upcomming cast changes! By the way, now that we all know Catherine Hardwick will not be directing New Moon, who do YOU think will be the new leader at the helm?

11:36 AM
Beeswax said...

Edward scissorhands occurred to me, as well, but I also thought, maybe an inflatable Josh Groban???? No need to talk or move his face.

8:27 AM
Pamela said...

I am a Chilean reportear, and I am searching the story of Stephie Meyer and her parents in Chile. Is it true that they were missioners in Chile? Or it was her husband?

Please, I would be very appreciated of any information, send it to: pgutierrez@copesa.cl or pagu1970@gmail.com

Sincerely,

Pamela Gutierrez
Reporter
La Tercera Newspaper
Santiago
Chile

Phone: (562) 550 7433
Cel: (5699) 161 82885

8:57 AM
Liz said...

I stumbled onto your blog this morning and this gave me a MUCH needed laugh. Hilarious.

9:46 AM

You realize with that last comment that you are now the official Stephenie Meyer biographer, at least in one South American country. I sense a business opportunity for you. Go. Run. Fast.

9:46 AM
annie smith said...

Hey, you are pretty cool, NMH!! I liked this post and your substitute cast members.
Creative is what we are, that's why Utah is the Scrapbooking Capitol of the Universe and the Quilt industry is made up of 40% LDS mommies who learned how to quilt in Homemaking meeting (yeah, back then, not now).

Love your blog -- keep it up!

7:24 PM
Anonymous said...

I was reading this at work and all most lost it-hilarous! I love your youtube rap, too. My students aren't really sure why I'm giggling, just that I am. It might frighten them to learn the truth. Oh, well, thanks for making a Wednesday fun.

9:25 AM
Melinda said...

But I loved Alice's hair!

Also, I think you really ought to contact Pamela.

12:32 PM

Move over Seriously So Blessed! NMH is way more entertaining to read. Just throw in some freebie giveaways and you could own the LDS blog market!

9:56 AM

Move over Seriously So Blessed! NMH is way more entertaining to read. Just throw in some freebie giveaways and you could own the LDS blog market!

9:56 AM
Anonymous said...

That was so funny but I think you got one thing wrong. I can think of an even better candidate for Jasper. I think we should welcome James Blunt on to the set of Twilight. He's got just the right hair for it and he's completely phsycotic. Every time Jasper walked on tot the screen I just imagined him singing "You're Beautiful" It just cacked me up

4:16 PM
Jen said...

Hysterical. My favorite has to be a tie between Edward and Emmett - although Emmett might win, since I love the plot twist, and the promise of some wrenching emotional scenes. What Twilight fan doesn't go for "wrenching" and "emotional"?

2:08 AM
Becca said...

haha damn funny stuff!
except you got one thing wrong;

The movie will be 3 hours long and 2 1/2 of those hours will feature Bella crying about losing Edward and listening to emo music.

she wont be listening to any music. according to charlie she breaks all her CD's and he finds them in the trash - wow thats pretty twi-nerdy of me to say that but i was reading N.M last night so i remembered that!

btw - Michelin Man - LOL!

4:56 AM
BigDaddy said...

The Michelin Man ROFL. I haven't caved yet, I have not seen the movie. I know I know, I will :)

~Micah aka. BigDaddy

9:02 AM
Eleesha Tucker said...

Dear NMH,

Please let HusbandHero know that I'm buying my brother a subscription for Christmas because I saw it on your blog. He's an Air Force Captain deploying on Dec 28th, so he'll use it when he returns.

6:05 PM
Sara said...

I love the edward scissor Hand comparison. all Me and my husband thought about him was he looked like he was in pain the entire movie. NOT how we pictured him at all in the books. Thanks for keeping us laughing. You do a great job with your blog.

10:31 AM
suzette said...

i want robert pattinson as edward cullen, if he is not the actor it would be that exciting and i really love him, his voice the way he stare it really makes me sick...i love him

9:48 PM
Kayla said...

Keep Edward as he is .

8:46 AM
I am LoW said...

"The main reason for my enjoyment of Twilight was primarily due to what the movie lacked (e.g. profanity, gratuitous sexuality, harsh violence, famous actors who despise the U.S. of A., etc.)"

Amen! Amen! Amen!!!

9:54 AM
Scrappycook said...

The comment about Edward Scissorhands made me laugh because it was mentioned in our group when we saw the film - Beaker the muppet was also mentioned. I know you have read a ton of reviews, but here is mine - complete with photos.
http://5ericksonsplay.blogspot.com/2008/11/twilight-movie-review.html

5:25 PM
ALiceWannabe0696 said...

FAF that was hilarious BUT
if I was head of castin I would keep Edward ;-)

9:00 PM
Suze of SLC said...

Whew, my daughter didn't see your hilarious posting so my computer is safe for another day. Thanx for the laughs.

8:53 PM

I know I'm completely late to the party with my comment..but just found your blog!

THANK YOU--You completely put me into hysterics!

Although I'm a huge fan of the books and movie (just saw the movie again tonight!), I loved your typecasting and descriptions. I will never look at Carlisle the same way again!

8:55 PM
ellen R said...

your hilarious, i would completely agree on replacing edward for a doll with a squirel and when i sad jasper in the movie i kept thinking bout edward scissorhands, my freinds thought i was nuts and that he didnt look like him but you proved my point, thank you so much for the laughs lol

1:28 PM
Anonymous said...

hey this is soo funny i was feelin kinda sad the noo cos aww ma mates ave gone off wiioot me right and then i find this and im lyke roflmao and i compleatly forgot aboot ma mates thanks sooo muchlyyy

JP


Xx


Lol

:D:D:D:D

1:00 PM
Saki said...

this thing is hilarious!

3:44 PM
Anonymous said...

OMG WAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH U!!!! i THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS AWESOME AND I READ THE BOOK 4 TIMES BUT I DO THINK THAT THEY NEEDED MORE KISSING PARTS BUT IT MADE MY HEART BEAT FASTER WHEN I SAW EDWARD IS IS A TOTAL HOTTIE IS HE REALLY BEING REPLACED THAT WOULD REALLY SUCK MAN!!!!! LOL BELLS WAS GREAT IN THE MOVIE EVERY THING WAS PERFECT!! BUT WAT U DID WITH THE FEATHER DUSTER WAS FUNNY LOL AS LONG AS EDWARD DOESN'T GET REPLACED THEN I AM OK WITH THE CHANGES LOL!!! I TOTALY WISH EDWARD WOULD BITE ME SO I COULD U KNOW WAT WITH HIM LOL!!! C YA

9:29 AM
Isa said...

buahahaha :D

12:49 PM
Anonymous said...

I have tears from holding in the laughter...Just the other week I saw a mannequin in a display for a school museum (it was obviously pilfered from a Macy's) and I thought "WOW it's Edward!!" It was tall, stark white, very muscular and had Yellow eyes!!! It was wearing an old Marching Band uniform but that just made it even more amusing...they say he likes his music XD

Oh and for the last Anon (spastic, post) Rob is still playing Edward,He has a contract for at least New Moon and Eclipse, so take a deep breath step away from the edge and repeat,"just a movie, just a movie"

1:58 PM
Faith said...

Do you really have nothing better to do then to rag on a teenage romance movie? I mean, seriously! Yeah the movie was made to appeal to all audiences, but we knew it was going to be a movie that could only be considered appealing for teenage girls and their single mothers, trying to give them hope that that perfect man really does exist. It's no more ridiculous then any other teenage movie. So, get a life and maybe consider doing something more productive with your time, rather then sitting around blogging about false info. Besides, if you are so unhappy with the film, why bother to waste your time talking about it?

12:40 PM