Earlier this week I broke into the Summit Entertainment studios and managed to sneak a peek at some of the top secret filming of the New Moon movie, so I am going to be the first person to break the news about some of the HUGE casting changes they have decided to make. But before dishing out the biggest scoop in the entertainment world, I just wanted to clarify one thing:
I enjoyed the Twilight movie.
This sentiment did not come across in my last post because I did not want to write a movie review since that had already been done at a billion other websites. Most of these reviews said something to the effect of, "IMO, Edward wuz 2 hot 4 me to handle! He can suck my blood 24/7, LOL!", and how could I top that level of professional analysis? My approach in my last post was to simply point out some of the more humorous thoughts that raced through my mind while snuggling up to the NMW in a nearly deserted theater during our hot date.
The main reason for my enjoyment of Twilight was primarily due to what the movie lacked (e.g. profanity, gratuitous sexuality, harsh violence, famous actors who despise the U.S. of A., etc.) - not for anything special the movie had. If I had not read Twilight before seeing the movie, I would not have cared about the characters or understood why Bella and Edward were so attracted to one another. There was so much character development to cram into 90 minutes that the plot was rushed and the characters were shallow, but I still liked seeing how my mental image of the book compared to the movie. However, because I read the book I fully understood the deep, passionate reasons behind the love that Bella and Edward shared, namely that Bella is lustful and Edward cannot resist her smell. If love cannot survive when founded upon those two principles, then no relationships can endure. Heck, those are precisely the two factors that have kept the Normal Mormon Wife and me happily married for 11 years now.
Anyway, back to the big news about casting for New Moon. Apparently some of the Twilight actors demanded outrageous salaries to shoot New Moon and refused to begin working until their salary requirements were honored. Summit Entertainment is a small company and could not meet the salary demands of some of the actors, so they decided to simply replace them with capable backups. Replacing the stars from the first film with other actors in the sequel happens all of the time and the sequels still do great. For example, Jason Bateman replaced Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf Too and Cuba Gooding Jr. replaced Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Camp and both sequels did great! In fact, I think Jason Bateman won an Oscar for his performance and Daddy Day Camp moved past Titanic for the highest grossing film of all time. Or at least I think that's true, but I'm too lazy to research it.
Let's hope New Moon can pull off the new cast as seamlessly as other sequels have done in the past. I risked jail time to find this stuff out, so I hope you appreciate it. Feel free to vote for the best replacement.
Lisa Ling to Play Eric: The actor who played Eric was demanding $1.9 million because his New Moon contract called for him to, "Begin aggressive estrogen hormone treatments to increase character femininity. Watch Ellen and Oprah on a daily basis. Stop playing fantasy football, unless you are a cheerleader. Shop at Tuesday Mornings." Eric was not willing to make the lifestyle changes necessary to play such an effeminate role, so Summit just cast a woman instead.
Michelin Man to Play Carlisle:It took 6 1/2 hours to apply all of the white face makeup to get the actor in character to play Carlisle. The total cost of makeup application was $16.3 million, so Summit is just going straight to the always-pale Michelin Man. He even looks dashing in a scarf, which is a requirement for playing Carlisle.
Feather Duster to Play Alice: There were three criteria for the Alice replacement:
1) Rail-thin physique
2) Perky black hair
3) No dialogue required
A feather duster costs $4.99 at Home Depot and is non-union. Why not?
Mannequin with Squirrel on Head to Play Edward: Casting a new Edward was a fairly simple process. Summit Entertainment went out looking for an actor with washboard abs, pale skin, unchanging dramatic facial expression and really poofy hair. Fortunately for the casting department, the Summit lot shares a dumpster with a Macy's department store that had just discarded a bunch of old mannequins. Or maybe they were retired employees. Oh well, that's beside the point. A squirrel and perched itself atop one of the mannequin heads and - BOOM! - the search for Edward ended.
Teen Wolf to Play Emmett: A number of you pointed out in your comments on my last post that Emmett was always standing up in the jeep or convertible he was driving in. Now that you mention it, this was the most important part of the Emmett character. We all know that "van surfing" was first popularized by Teen Wolf, so Summit decided to go old school and find the only person who could one-up Emmett when it came to standing on moving vehicles. There will also be some emotionally wrenching scenes as Emmett struggles with his self-loathing for being a vampire and a werewolf at the same time.
Headless Horseman to Play James: The casting call for James (who makes a surprising cameo in New Moon) went like this: "Wanted: Immortal, terrifying white male with no head. Must be comfortable around vampires, werewolves, giddy teen-aged girls and escapist LDS housewives." The casting crew nearly selected the guy who got his noggin blown off in Glory, but went with the Headless Horseman instead.
Whoopi Goldberg to Play Laurent: It is creepy how much these two look alike. Seriously. I've been having nightmares that Whoopi Goldberg is interviewing me on The View when I suddenly notice that her eyes are blood red! Just as she bears her fangs and darts for my neck, Elizabeth Hasselbeck comes from out of nowhere to save my life. As we dismember Whoopi's corpse and burn the remains, we also try to burn a DVD of the movie Eddie but the movie never dies....(wake up shivering in a cold sweat.)
Edward Scissorhands to Play Jasper: This one is courtesy of a comment made by Violetsareblue in my last post. Spot on, Violets, spot on. Both of these characters have the same creepy, nervous, frail, quivering, pale, socially awkward qualities about them. Summit Entertainment learned that Johnny Depp had a huge fan base from his 21 Jump Street days, so they went after him. He apparently made some pirate movies too, but I haven't heard much about those.
Tow Mater to Play Bella's Truck: Okay, I know I mentioned this one in my last post, but when you see the side-by-side comparison you have to laugh. I honestly think that Summit Entertainment stole the real Tow Mater truck, removed the eyes, smile and wench and plugged it into the film. I wonder if Pixar is going to come save Tow Mater from Summit's production facility by sending in the Dynoco helipcopter for a covert resuce mission...
In the end it really will not matter who plays the supporting roles in New Moon. The movie will be 3 hours long and 2 1/2 of those hours will feature Bella crying about losing Edward and listening to emo music.
Oh well, at least the 30 minutes featuring Edward will be entertaining.
After all, everybody loves squirrels!