In honor of everybody's favorite 17-year-old couple, here are 17 random thoughts that passed through my head while watching the Twilight movie. Please feel free to vote for your favorite:
1. "...but I pictured a real-life Homer Simpson!" After reading the Twilight books I had developed a perfect mental picture of Charlie. He was supposed to be balding, 50 pounds overweight, insecure and constantly shoving Little Debbie's down his pie hole. The guy they cast to play Charlie actually looked like a competent, rugged law enforcement professional cut from the Magnum P.I. cloth. Tall, thin, athletic, gratuitous cop mustache....Not at all what I pictured Charlie to be.
2. "...It's Friday, I'm in love!" Is it just me, or could Alice pass for Robert Smith, lead singer of The Cure? Between the chalk-white faces, red lipstick and perky black hair, they are nearly indistinguishable.
3. "...and don't forget your 50-pound tube of lip gloss, either." Did anybody else notice that the canister of mace that Charlie gave to Bella was the approximate size of an oxygen tank used by scuba divers? Seriously, that thing was enormous! Charlie must have thought Bella was going on a date with a frisky Jolly Green Giant or a lonely Paul Bunyon and may need to dispense 25-40 pounds of mace if her date crossed the line.
4. "...and they really like to gamble, too." Not to perpetuate the stereotype or anything, but the first time a Native American appeared in the movie he was carrying two six-packs of beer. If his legs worked he would have probably had a keg strapped to his back. The Director should re-shoot Billy's first scene to show him full of dignity imparting traditional Native American wisdom to a school auditorium full of ignorant, rich white kids...and then getting plastered by the tether ball pole afterward!
5. "...and Christie Brinkley has chubby cheeks." Christie Brinkley was the spokes model for NuSkin Enterprises while I was employed there. She toured our corporate headquarters and ended up standing about five feet away from me while I processed an order. Christie Brinkley was stunning in person. Absolutely stunning. But despite her otherworldly beauty, I could not get over how chubby her cheeks looked. She kind of looked like a squirrel during her return trip to deposit a few acorns into the winter food supply. The actress who played Rosalie had a similar impact on me. She is probably more attractive than 99.37% of the female population, but she could never live up to the image of Rosalie that I had created in my mind. (Okay, I just pictured Rosalie to look exactly like Jessica Simpson. Call me shallow. I don't care.)
6. "...blame it on his Native American drinking buddies!" After Twilight ended the Normal Mormon Wife leaned over to me and said, "So is Charlie a drunk, or what? I think he had a beer in his hand in every scene." Yes, in fact, he was chugging a Rainier beer in every scene. Maybe the Charlie/Homer parallels can work after all.
7. "...her secret is the Pantene Pro-V Ice Shine shampoo and conditioner." Where in the world did the wind come from that caused Bella's hair to dance like she was in a shampoo commercial when she walked toward Edward on their first day of science class? They must have either been doing a science experiment on aerodynamics and Bella accidentally walked into the wind tunnel or somebody opened a window and a tornado touched down ten feet from the school. How does that happen to a person's hair in the middle of school? Is this one of Bella's special untapped supernatural powers?
8. "...he drank a Red Bull and it gave him wings." After Bella's hair settled down and she took her seat for her first day of science class, I noticed that Edward has mysteriously grown a short, stubby pair of white wings! Did I miss something in the book? Was Edward really a winged cherubic angel and not a blood-thirsty vampire? Oh, wait, he's just sitting in front of a stuffed white owl. Weird cinematography, if you ask me. Edward kinda looked liked John Travolta in the movie Michael for a moment there.
9. "...if somebody robbed the Rainier Beer truck, then maybe I'd work some overtime." Shortly after the murder takes place in Forks, Bella and Charlie are seen having lunch together in a diner full of completely freaked-out townsfolk who are depending on the Chief of Police to restore peace to their community by apprehending the killer. There are no leads, no suspects, and the murderer is still on the loose. Charlie, however, tells Bella something along the lines of, "You should go out with your friends tonight. I'm just going to watch the Mariners game and then turn in early." Whew! For a moment there I thought Charlie might have to put in more than his standard 32-hour work week. Glad to see that something trivial like an unsolved murder isn't going to affect Charlie's ability to watch baseball and get drunk with Billy.
10. "...and a $20 dollar bill makes me a millionaire!" When Bella enters Edward's bedroom she takes a quick inventory of all of his stuff and says, "Wow! You've got a ton of CD's!" The camera angles that I saw showed a stack of about 19 CD's in his collection. Maybe this is just a generational thing since Bella is 17 and has been raised in the digital music era where you no longer have to buy CD's. I have friends who were in high school in the 1990's who have hundreds of CD's sitting in CD racks that take up entire walls in their rooms. Take that, Bella!
11. "...I bet The Little Mermaid would eat Flounder if she was a vampire." When I read the books I pictured Victoria to have deep, dark, FLAMING red hair. Like Pippie Longstocking, The Little Mermaid, Carrot Top, or Wendy from the Wendy's logo. The actress who played Victoria had a reddish tint to her hair, but come on, people! I wanted a blood-thirsty Ariel for crying out loud! (Now there's a movie with some potential. I'm totally going to write a screenplay for the Ariel-is-a-vampire idea for the upcoming Little Mermaid IV: Ariel's Revenge. That's gold, Jerry, GOLD!)
12. "...and he color coordinates all by himself!" Speaking of flaming...what was the deal with Erik? When the self-appointed welcome committee welcomes Bella to school I could have sworn that he had just returned from a "No on 8" rally. Either that or tryouts for the Vienna Boys Choir. Every one of Erik's appearances was just awkward. What was that all about?
13. "...can I get some more cream pie over here, please?" I know the Cullens are supposed to have pale skin and all, but Carlisle looks like he just finished getting a cream pie to the face.
14. "...and she can crack walnuts in her bare hands, too." HOLY COW! ALICE JUST RIPPED JAMES' HEAD OFF! That was totally unexpected. Forget Rosalie. It's team Alice for me, baby!
15. "...and I'm not dazzled by my son's Lite Brite, either!" Perhaps the most anticlimactic moment of the movie was when Edward takes Bella into the forest, bears his chest, and then dramatically steps into the sunlight. When I read the book I envisioned the sunlight blazing off of Edward like he was a human lighthouse or something. In the movie it looked like he accidentally spilled some glitter paint on him while making Christmas decorations.
16. "...and the second worst wardrobe malfunction of all time goes to..." Everybody raise your hand if you wear actual baseball uniforms at your family's 4th of July softball game. Okay, it looks like nobody is raising their hands except for the few members of the Cullen family who read this blog. What was up with the cheesy baseball unis? Those were the second-worst family outfits in movie history, placing just behind the Griswold family for wearing matching berets in European Vacation. I can just see the following conversation taking place at the Cullen house:
Carlisle: "Edward, you will wear that baseball uniform, and that's final!"
Edward: "Aw, but dad, I look stupid."
Carlisle: "Edward, your mother worked really hard to make these for us. Now put on your jersey and let's go."
Edward: "But I look like a dork, dad! Bella's coming with us and we all look stupid!"
Carlisle: "Grow up, Edward. Stop acting like an 86-year-old!"
Edward: "I hate you!" (leaves in tears.)
17. "...and Edward drives Lightning McQueen." Hey, I think Charlie just bought Tow Mater for Bella to drive to school. I would not be surprised if halfway through the movie Bella's truck said something like, "Sheee-oooot! How's abouts us drivin' backwards and then doin' some tractor tippin'? Sound good, Bella?"
Well, I hope everybody enjoyed Twilight. I'm already mentally preparing myself to endure two hours of Bella doing nothing but crying when the New Moon movie comes out. Ugh.
The Little Mermaid IV is sounding better and better by the minute.
Somebody call my agent!