Breaking Dawn: The Spoof - Part III - The Dramatic Conclusion

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Chapter 18: Reunion
Edward races to Bella's house and tells her that he overheard her phone conversation with Jacob and understands that she may still be in love with the wolf boy. Edward tells Bella that he will give her all the time she needs to decide between himself and Jacob, but if it were his choice he and Bella would be married today. Bella explains that Edward misunderstood the phone conversation and she has made her choice - it is Edward! Instead of asking her boyfriend why he was spying on her within the privacy of her own home, Bella agrees to get married immediately. Edward also agrees that he will personally change Bella into a vampire right after the wedding so that Bella can finally get off his back about the whole "honeymoon thing."

They excitedly call their immediate family members and tell them to be to the wedding chapel as quickly as possible. In order to keep a low profile, Carlisle has become an ordained minister in The Temple of the Vampire religion and can perform the wedding ceremony himself. Bella hops on Edward's back and he races them toward the chapel. As they are running, Bella comments that it is so much better for the environment for them to travel on piggy back instead of driving a car and increasing their carbon footprint. Edward wisely bites his tongue as he recalls what happened the last time they disagreed about politics.

But unbeknownst to Edward, he is under surveillance by the Volturi, Pluckie and Rock Hardcastle. Each of the three groups watch Edward enter the wedding chapel. It is the perfect place for each of them to bring Edward down!

Chapter 19: Wolfie
As Bella and Edward prepare to tie the knot, Jacob has also officially moved on. Jacob was selected as the first overall pick in the NBA draft. He is ironically drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves. On the first day of practice Jacob instinctively "imprints" on the T-Wolves' mascot. While being hopelessly drawn to and NBA mascot is incredibly confusing to J-Black, it does provide him with closure toward Bella. As an arrogant NBA player, Jacob now considers himself to be a "versatile entertainer" - like Shaq - and cuts a rap album. He raps a track called "Movin' On" summarizing his convoluted love life involving Bella and the T-Wolves' mascot. Part of the song goes as follows:

I thought I had myself a shortie, a lovely Swan.
But she be dissin' and she frontin', I'm movin' on.
Instead of illin' with the J, she chose a "sucka".
She leff' me all alone, like a long-haul trucka.
Now I gots myself a honey, and lotsa money.
So I be maxin' wit' a mascot, you thinks dat's funny?
If you do - watch ya back.
I'm Jacob Black.
I won't cut you no slack.
You get whacked.
Worrrrrrrrrrd!

Chapter 20: Preparation
Pluckie finishes the last moments of preparation for his surprise attack on Edward. After watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail to review the strategy of the killer rabbit who defends the cave, Pluckie has decided to swoop down from the rafters and go after Edward's jugular vein. Once Pluckie finishes with his prey, Edward will not be able to cry, "Run away! Run away!" like the Monty Python knights because dead vampires cannot speak. With his perfectly devised plan ready to spring into action, Plucky quietly conceals himself in the rafters of the wedding chapel.

Rock Hardcastle cannot believe his luck. Not only will this be the biggest case of his career, he will now be able to arrest Edward during his own wedding ceremony! Oh, the drama! Rock had initially expected the news of the arrest to attract some heavy local media interest, but he is now anticipating the wedding back story to thrust this arrest into the national headlines. While gloating about his upcoming fame, Rock is actually saddened on the inside. Despite his professional success and political aspirations, Rock has never been in love. As he shines his badge and puts the finishing touches on his wavy, amber hairdo, Rock desperately wishes that he could share the biggest moment of his life with a woman who loves him.

The Volturi have assembled a plan of their own. They currently outnumber the Cullens 2-1 and are confident they can wipe the entire family out if they need to. Their overall objective is to see Bella turned immediately into a vampire because they expect her to have superpowers that can be put to use to protect the worldwide vampire community. If Bella or the Cullens resist, the Volturi will destroy the Cullens and take Bella with them, like Bowser did to Princess Peach in Super Mario Brothers. The Volturi decide to place Felix outside of the wedding chapel to guard the doors from any would-be Marios or Luigis who may disrupt their plans. Felix, however, has plans of his own. Felix is as attracted to the smell of Bella's blood as Oprah to a hot ham and cannot resist the opportunity to sink his teeth into her neck. Quietly, Felix leaves his post and hides in the rafters, waiting for his perfect moment to pounce...

Chapter 21: Objections
Alice, Edward's future-telling sister, is once again helping Bella into her wedding dress. Alice should have been able to foresee the plots of the Volturi, Pluckie and Rock, but she has been using all of her foresight powers to find out how the TV show "Lost" is going to end. After days of focused concentration, Alice is disappointed when she realizes that not even the show's writers know how the series will conclude. Unaware of the threats they are facing, Edward and Bella proceed down the aisle.

As Carlisle conducts the ceremony, he asks the audience, "If there is anybody in attendance who thinks this couple should not be joined in matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace." At that precise moment, both doors to the wedding chapel fly open. Standing at the front entrance is Aro, head of the Volturi, who says, "I object to this and any other association between a vampire and a HUMAN!" At the exact same moment, Rock Hardcastle enters the rear door and yells, "I object! Edward Cullen, you're under arrest."

Every vampire in the room bears his or her long, razor-sharp teeth and prepares for a fight. Charlie responds by immediately reaching for the holster that holds his police firearm, only to remember that he replaced his gun with two Jimmy Dean Hot Pockets a month ago. Undaunted, Charlie aims his Hot Pockets at the Volturi and prepares to fire. Rock Hardcastle is stunned to have stumbled upon a living, breathing vampire clan. But he is not afraid. As one of the lead SEC investigators into the Martha Stewart case, Rock is experienced in handling ruthless, blood-sucking perpetrators. He is also not worried about the status of his eternal soul if one of the vampires somehow bites him. As an aspiring politician, Rock sold his soul to the highest bidder years ago.

Chapter 22: Carnage
While Bella and Edward are distracted by the commotion, both Felix and Pluckie capitalize on the perfect moment to attack. In the blink of an eye, Felix swoops down from the rafters headed right at Bella's soft, velvety neck. Pluckie explodes from the rafters at the exact same moment like a fluffy white bullet headed straight at Edward's jugular. Before anybody can react, both Pluckie and Felix bite into the necks of Edward and Bella. The bride and groom are covered in blood and chicken feathers before the Cullens and Charlie can rush to their aid. Charlie throws down the Hot Pockets and reaches for his night stick, only to be reminded that he replaced it with an extra long Charleston Chew several weeks ago. Taking his "new dad" approach, Charlie smacks himself on the forehead, yells "D'oh!", and leaves for Moe's Tavern.

The Cullens are able to subdue Felix, but Pluckie escapes through the window without being caught. Ironically, Pluckie thought that Edward, "tasted like chicken." Edward and Bella are bloodied, lying on the floor and barely clinging to consciousness. Edward weakly grips Bella's hand and says, "Carlisle, our wedding has been prevented once. I will..ooohh...not let it...ahhhh...happen again. Finish the..uggg..ceremony." Bella, barely breathing, whispers, "Hurry....Carlisle." Carlisle rushes through the vows and both Bella and Edward muster an "I do." Carlisle then says, "...you may now kiss the bride." Expending all of their energy, Edward and Bella manage to briefly, faintly touch lips. Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen then both slip into unconsciousness as Carlisle works frantically to save their lives.......

Chapter 23: Diff'rent Strokes
After teetering between life and death for longer than Fidel Castro, both Edward and Bella make full recoveries. The effects of the bites are immediately noticeable. Bella is now a vampire, but Edward has been made human once again as a result of Pluckie's bite. Still unable to "celebrate their honeymoon" because Bella may now accidentally kill Edward, the couple must make a difficult decision. Bella loves being an indestructible vampire who can no longer hurt herself through her legendary clumsiness. Edward, on the other hand, is thrilled to once again be human and experience the joy of living, maturing, and one day growing old. Now bound together by marriage, which one will risk his or her life to make the ultimate sacrifice of being changed back to the way they once were?

Chapter 24: Another Wedding
The marriage between Edward and Bella was not the only one performed in the wedding chapel that day. Rock Hardcastle of the SEC presented a big problem for the Volturi and the Cullens. If they killed him, the entire federal government would descend on Forks when Rock never returned. Rock, on the other hand, refused to leave the chapel without something to advance his career. The solution came when Rock laid eyes on Edward's sister Alice for the first time. Rock knew that Alice would make the perfect First Lady when he decides to run for President one day. After all, it never hurts to have a wife who can see into the future when you aspire to be the leader of the free world. Alice looks into what her future could hold as Mrs. Hardcastle, smiles, and says, "I accept your proposal, Mister President." Carlisle performs the wedding on the spot and Rock Hardcastle leaves a happy man.

Epilogue
Having exacted his revenge on Edward, Pluckie is now ready to settle down and move on with his life. He returns to the free range chicken ranch outside of Forks and meets a teen-aged chicken named Belinda. Belinda had just relocated to the range from Florida where she had been living with her mom. While Belinda is not what Pluckie would normally consider as "his type", he is strangely attracted to her. She is physically plain by chicken standards - her feathers are not particularly shiny, her talons are somewhat stubby, and her gizzard is not as big as the supermodel chickens' in the magazines. Belinda is also uncoordinated for a chicken and still had a bruise from flying into the side of the barn the previous day. Despite her flaws, the smell of Belinda's blood is irresistible to Pluckie. After processing more chicken than Colonel Sanders, Pluckie has finally found his soul mate. Pluckie sidles up to Belinda and says, "Hello, I'm Pluckie." Belinda looks at Pluckie and is instantly lost in his liquid, golden topaz eyes. Her chicken knees get weak, her heart rate speeds up, and she manages to blurt out, "Uh, errr, hi. I'm Belinda. Call me Bella."


THE END

***MY COMMENTS TO YOUR COMMENTS***

*Heather - (In my best Charlie voice): "D'oh!" Emmett and Rosalie are married? I read each of the Twilight books once when they first came out and that small detail slipped my mind. My original draft had Rock Hardcastle marrying Rosalie. Now that I know that Rosalie is married to Emmett, I am having Rock marry Alice instead. For all of the Twi-hards out there, is the Rock-Alice wedding a little less creepy (and less illegal) than the Rock-Rosalie union? The only other solution at this point is to have Rock killed.

*Roxanne - You are right. There needed to be more about Jacob in Part III. In the original version, there was not even a reference to him. Since a few of you seem to like the Gangstafied version of J-Black, I have just written a new chapter called "Wolfie" that was not part of the original post. Thanks to the Wiz for giving me the "imprint" idea. The idea for the gangsta rap lyrics came to me while I was sitting in an important off-site business meeting. I had to secretly jot them down on a notepad, pretending that I was taking notes during the meeting. I was stifiling chortles as I penned the lyrics. I hope you like them as well. If my whole HR career does not work out for me, maybe LL Cool J needs a new writer?

*Paola - What? Jasper and Alice are married too? I'm glad to see that you can keep that small error in the context of this being a spoof. For the rest of you who live and die with Twilight and cannot fathom Alice or Rosalie leaving their respective husbands, here is an alternate ending that might suffice:

"The Volturi decide that Rock must die, so Aro eats him. The Volturi fax a forged resignation letter from Rock to the SEC notifying the agency that he is quitting immediately. With no family and no employer to miss his absence, Rock Hardcastle is no longer a problem."

Now if anybody says, "That wouldn't happen either because the SEC would still need to get his laptop, cellphone, and other company property....", then you can write your own ending on your own time.

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Breaking Dawn: The Spoof - Part II

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Chapter 10: Hero
Meanwhile, Jacob has returned home to La Push and has led the high school basketball team into the state finals. With his size, speed, and power, nobody can guard him. After averaging 41 points and 23 rebounds a game, Jacob is projected to be an NBA lottery pick. Following the “Maybe Bella will be attracted to an egotistical jock” routine, Jacob now sports two diamond studded earrings, a gold chain with a bling-bling $ sign, a “Baller-4-Life” tattoo, and only refers to himself in the third person. After hearing about Bella and Edward’s fight, he decides to make his move and calls Bella to invite her to the championship game.

Bella: “Hello?”
Jacob: “Yo. Jacob Black wants to know if you want to come watch Jacob Black win the state title on Friday night.”
Bella: “Jacob?”
Jacob: “Yo.”
Bella: “What were you asking?”
Jacob: “Juss’ wantin’ to see if this fly little shortie wants to join the J-Black posse. You frontin’?”
Bella: “Huh?”
Jacob: “Will you please come watch my game on Friday?”
Bella: “Sure.”

Bella goes to the state championship game and is delighted to see Michael J. Fox in attendance as he wraps up filming, “Family Ties: The Aftermath”, in Forks. But Jacob's game is not going well. After picking up four quick, cheap fouls, Jacob is on the bench and irate. Once he gets into the game, Jacob leads an incredible fourth quarter comeback and has the chance to win the game on the last possession. As he drives to the hoop he gets fouled repeatedly, but the horrible refs do not make any calls. Jacob, no longer able to control his anger, bursts into his werewolf form and throws down a game winning buzzer-beater dunk. The crowd is too shocked at the sight of the huge werewolf standing before them to do anything but stare. Jacob, thinking quickly, picks up the PA microphone and says, “I’m not a werewolf, suckas! You’ve been punk’d! Holla, MTV!” The crowd is now euphoric for not only being state champions, but for also ending up on a reality show. Students rush the floor and hoist Jacob onto their shoulders to carry him off the court. As they do, Jacob makes eye contact with Bella, winks at her, and then gives her the So You Think You Can Dance “For Real” salute. Bella catches herself smiling and blushing and realizes how much she still cares for Jacob. While the crowd cheers, a seething Michael J. Fox calls his attorney and says, “Get a lawsuit ready. They just ripped off Teen Wolf!”

Chapter 11: Phone
After several days of soul searching, Edward has decided that he loves Bella despite their differing political views. Edward, being a multi-millionarie, figures that once Bella understands Obama’s stance on capital gains taxes that she will quickly convert to the Republican party, so their political difference will only be short term. Holding a large bouquet of Bella’s favorite flowers, Edward sneaks into her house to surprise her, apologize, and make out….I mean make up...with her. But the phone rings before he can speak with Bella. Edward sees on the caller ID that the call is coming from Jacob Black’s house. Being an obsessive, jealous boyfriend (or an “involved, protective” boyfriend, depending on your point of view), Edward eavesdrops on Bella’s side of the conversation. He hears Bella say, “Ooooh, you’re so sweet!”, “Well, I’m having cold feet right now”, “He’s so serious all the time”, “We are pretty different people”, and “You are a lot more fun than he is.”

Edward, assuming that Bella is speaking to Jacob, is devastated. He writes an anguished letter to Bella stating that he can tell that she is having doubts about the wedding, and so is he. Edward reaffirms his love for her, but says that he feels they should delay the wedding for now. He says he understands if she wants to see other people while as they reassess their relationship. Edward then quietly escapes the house in tears.

In reality, Bella was speaking on the phone with Jacob’s dad, Billy, who was being “so sweet” by planning a surprise birthday party for Charlie. Bella’s “cold feet” were the result of the ice packs she needs to keep on her broken ankle in order to keep the swelling down, not that she was having second thoughts about the wedding. She was also referring to her dad being “serious”, “different than her”, and “not as fun”. Bella was never talking about Edward. In fact, she is still incredibly desirous to consumat….er, get married and become a vampire. But unbeknownst to Bella, Edward’s heart has just been broken by the misunderstood conversation.

Chapter 12: Waterworks II
Edward does nothing but cry, wail, moan and question the point of his existence without Bella. This goes on for about 29 pages.

Chapter 13: Waterworks III
After reading Edwards letter about postponing the wedding and “seeing other people”, Bella does nothing but cry, wail, moan and question the point of her existence without Edward. This goes on for about 41 pages.

Charlie hears Bella crying and goes to her room and tries to speak with her through the door. When Bella screams, “Go away! You’re making it worse! Leave me alone!” Charlie responds by smacking himself in the forehead and yelling, “D’oh!”

Chapter 14: Posse
After not speaking with Edward for several days, Bella decides to make him jealous by going on a date with Jacob. After all, she still has some feelings for Jacob and he has always been a true, loyal friend. Bella drives to Jacob’s home in La Push and waits for him to arrive. While Jacob had initially decided to be an egotistical, arrogant jock to lure Bella back to him, his new persona has attracted girls from all over the world. He has realized that there are plenty of girls out there who will not repeatedly dump him for a disgusting vampire, so he has moved on and is no longer interested in Bella. Bella hears Jacob’s chromed-out Escalade blasting a Young Jeezy song long before it pulls into the driveway where the following conversation ensues:

Jacob: “’Sup?”
Bella: “Jacob, I came to apologize to you for the way I have treated you.”
Jacob: “True dat.”
Bella: “You’re a great friend and I still have some strong feelings for you.”
Jacob: “Holla.”
Bella: “Jacob, before I go any further with Edward, I have to make sure that I am not in love with you. You have always been so kind and caring. I’m just not sure I am ready to let you go.”
Jacob: “Shortie, stop ya playin’! You coulda had Jacob Black too many times to be straight frontin’ right now, recognize? You disrespected Jacob Black, and Jacob Black has moved on, yo. Jacob Black is an NBA lottery pick, foo’, and Jacob Black can get any shortie that Jacob Black wants. Last thing Jacob Black needs is yo’ pity. Fo’ real.”
Bella: “What?”
Jacob: “You hurt me too many times before. I do not want to pursue a relationship with you.”

Bella, confronted by the reality of losing both Jacob and Edward, cries for the next 63 pages.

Chapter 15: Cool
Edward, fearing that he may lose Bella to Jacob, is now desperate to prove that he can be as fun, spontaneous and hip. To surprise Bella, Edward decides to do what every cool teenager does – try out for American Idol. During his visit, Edward decides to be honest and tells the producer that he is a 107-year-old vampire. When he gets before the judges, Simon says, "It says here that you are a 107 year old vampire. Not the first freak we’ve seen today. Let's get this over with." In a twist of irony, Edward sings Def Lepord's "Love Bites", but the judges are unimpressed. Randy says, "Yo, yo, yo, that was horrible, dawg!" A jealous, angry Edward roars back at Randy, "I'm not the dog, Jacob's the dog! Whose side are you on, Randy?" Paula, who appears inebriated, gives it her best shot with, "Edwin...you are a cute...thing...but singing is, you know, ummm..it's like a tugboat pulling a ...fire truck...water...Twinkie..." and then passes out mid-sentence.

Simon then says, "Right. Okay, Edward. Here's the thing. You're a good-looking kid who has probably skated by your entire life on your good looks. But you're a terrible singer. When you said you were a vampire I thought you might try to suck our blood. Turns out, you just sucked. Sorry." Enraged, Edward goes to attack Simon and Randy, but as he moves toward the table he catches a whiff of Paula’s blood. The noxious mixture of collagen, formaldehyde and Jack Daniels repulses Edward and causes him to flee in shame. As he runs home he ponders what he overheard Bella say on the phone and begins to think that maybe he is, in fact, too serious and too stuffy to marry an immature teen-aged girl.

Chapter 16: Sunny
Edward is still confused about his uncertain relationship with Bella. He rationalizes that since Bella is flirting with Jacob, he should be able to do the same with other women. Entering a roadside cafĂ©, Edward notices a cute girl and offers to buy her a cup of coffee. She introduces herself as Sunny, and the two of them sit at the bar and talk for hours. They have an incredible amount in common and even finish each other’s sentences. As day turns to night, both Edward and Sunny mention they are hiding deep, dark secrets. Edward shares his secret that he is a vampire. Sunny reveals that she is actually a small, silver parasitic alien that has been implanted into a host body to remain alive. When they realize they are both characters from Stephenie Meyer novels, they quickly say their good-byes before Breaking Dawn turns into a horrible crossover story like “The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones." As he heads home, Edward realizes that while he enjoyed his time with Sunny, she could never hold a candle to Bella. Realizing that he is about to let the love of his life to slip through his fingers, Edward races home to scoop up Bella and marry her on the spot!

Chapter 17: Convergence
Meanwhile, the forces of evil have all arrived in Forks and are prepared to go after Bella and Edward. The Volturi have learned that Bella is still human, and they are prepared to punish the Cullen clan for going back on their word. Pluckie, the murderous undead chicken, is hiding out in the forest sharpening his beak and talons in preparation for his fight to the death with Edward. Rock Hardcastle of the SEC is busy having his hair done so that he can look good in the perp walk photos and media interviews. They are each keeping surveillance on the Cullen house waiting for the right moment to strike. Little do they know, the perfect opportunity is about to present itself…

Check back for the dramatic conclusion on Friday...

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Breaking Dawn: The Spoof - Part I

Chapter 1: Engaged

Fortunately for me, this chapter is already available to the public. Below are excerpts of the Widipedia summary:
The chapter starts off a few days before the wedding while Edward is off hunting. Bella is driving a new flashy sports car, a Mercedes-Benz s600 Guardian, that Edward has given her. Bella calls Seth Clearwater to ask how Jacob is doing and learns that Jacob has remained in his wolf form for weeks. Jacob is somewhere in Northern Canada and that he is not coming home. Bella sulks with this knowledge and then has recollections of the night when she told Charlie about her engagement. When Bella had finally plucked up the courage to tell her father, Charlie automatically assumed Bella was pregnant, and laughed hysterically when he realized how Bella's mother would react. When Bella comes home Alice is fitting Charlie into his tuxedo for the wedding, and states that it is Bella's turn. While she is being fitted by Alice, Bella goes to her "happy place" to think about her love for Edward and how wonderful their honeymoon will be.

Chapter 2: Hoops
Jacob, still heartbroken over Bella, is licking his wounds, both literally and figuratively, in Canada. After listening to nothing but The Cure and watching Lifetime original programming for six straight days, he concocts one last, desperate plan to win Bella’s affection. Because there are only two things to do on The Rez – namely werewolf stuff and playing basketball - Jacob has developed a killer jump shot over the years. He has also continued his abnormal growth spurt by adding another several inches to his height and now stands an impressive 6 foot 11. With his superhuman athleticism, gigantic height and deadly three-point range, Jacob decides to return to La Push and try out for the high school basketball team. Since he could not win Bella by being a caring, fun-loving, selfless, supportive friend, Jacob decides to get his girl the time-tested way - by becoming a self-absorbed, shallow high school athlete!


Chapter 3: Broken
Standing in the bride’s dressing room at Forks’ only wedding/reception hall, Bella cannot believe that the day of her wedding to Edward has finally arrived. Now that Bella is eighteen and will soon be properly married she can FINALLY consummate things with Edward in a way that cannot be described by using the words, “statutory”, “predatory”, “indecent” or “liberties.” As Bella admires her wedding dress in a full-length mirror, she sees her father, Charlie, enter the room. After practicing for several weeks, Charlie is finally prepared to express just how much he loves his daughter. Looking Bella straight in the eyes Charlie says, “Bells…uh…I, well…mmmm.. today…uuhhh…you…errrr….guhhh….ummmm…duhhhh…wedding.” Bella, touched at the most coherent an emotionally in-touch statement Charlie has ever made, places her arm in her dad’s as he leads her out of the dressing room and into the wedding chapel. Bella’s eyes immediately lock on to Edward’s burning, liquid, amber eyes as he gazes down at her from the groom’s spot at the front of the room. Her heart is racing and her thoughts are a blur as she he proceeds down the aisle. Bella is so focused on Edward’s hunky-hunky hotness that she forgets to dedicate enough mental energy to walking in heels. Being as coordinated as a newborn giraffe, Bella loses her balance and falls, fracturing her ankle. Instead of exchanging vows, Bella is rushed to the ER for surgery. Moments before going under anesthesia, Bella hears one of the doctors jokingly refer to her as the “Limp Away Bride”. Bella makes a mental note to kill him immediately after Edward turns her into a vampire.


Chapter 4: Politics
Since Bella cannot walk for the next four weeks, she and Edward spend most of every day talking and kissing on the couch at Bella’s house. They have the following exchange about twenty times each day:

Bella: "Let's make out."

Edward: "Okay, but that's as far as it goes."

Bella: (After several minutes of passionate kissin) "Let's break the Law of Chastity!!!!!!!"

Edward: "I would accidentally kill you if we did."

Bella: "I don't care!"

Edward: "Too bad. Can we please get back to watching The Revolution on The History Channel now?"

Bella: "Why are you so serious all the time?"

During a commercial break, an “Obama for President” ad comes on the TV. Bella’s face lights up as Barak preaches hope and change. As a young, counterculture, minimum-wage earning, compassionate, environmentally-friendly Washingtonian, Bella is a huge Obama supporter. Edward, on the other hand, is an old, rich, conservative white guy who supports McCain. After the commercial ends Bella says, “I am so happy to be old enough to vote so that I can help get Obama elected.” Horrified, Edward gasps, “You’re a liberal?” and then goes on a five-minute rant as to why Obama is completely unqualified to be Commander in Chief. Deeply hurt, Bella yells, “Stop regurgitating Sean Hannity’s talking points to me! How in the world could you support McCain, anyway? He’s just a third term for Bush!” Edward then tells Bella that he used to go to summer camp with McCain in the 1910’s and considers him a personal friend. Angered, Edward rushes out of the house, leaving Bella in tears and doubtful about their future together…


Chapter 5: Waterworks
Bella does nothing but cry, wail, moan and question the point of her existence without Edward. This goes on for about 34 pages.


Chapter 6: Fatherhood
Charlie can sense that Bella is depressed, but he does not know how to help. One day he decides to cheer her up by making her hot dogs for dinner. Unable to figure out how to use the microwave or the stove, Charlie attempts to cook the hot dogs by holding them next to the blow drier. When Bella sees his what he is doing, she tells him that he needs to put them in boiling water. Confused, Charlie heads to the bathroom and points the blow drier at the toilet bowl. A completely frustrated Bella yells that Charlie is, “the worst dad ever!” and runs off crying. Charlie vows in that moment to learn to become a better parent, so he turns on the TV to find examples of fathers who are heavily involved in the lives of their children. After watching an all-night The Simpsons and Married With Children marathon, Charlie has learned the secret to effective fatherhood from Homer and Al Bundy. The secret, he concludes, is what a dad does with his hands. Borrowing from Al Bundy, Charlie casually slides his right hand below the waist of his jeans. He then practices hitting himself in the head with his left hand while yelling, “D’oh!”


Chapter 7: Old Friends
Aro, head of the Volturi, looks at his Franklin Day Planner “To Do” list and updates its status. “Kill mob of innocent tourists? Check. Mail mom’s birthday card? Check. Rotate the tires on the bat mobile? Check. Make sure Bella Swan has been changed into a vampire? Pending.” Aro summons his strongest Volturi fighters and tells them to pack their bags to visit the Cullen clan and warns them that it could lead to a fight. He then reminds each of them that any liquids and gels over 3 ounces need to be checked, while items under three ounces can be carried on if they are in clear plastic bags. The strongest members of the Volturi each pack their bags and board the plane to Forks…


Chapter 8: Chicken
A discarded copy of the Forks Daily Herald newspaper gets blown onto a free-range chicken farm on the outskirts of Forks. While all of the chickens scatter to get out of the way of the paper, one of them steps forward and grabs it out of the air with one quick stab of his razor-sharp talon. This chicken is unlike any other. This chicken has a name, Pluckie, which was given to him many, many years ago by the man who once nearly ended his life. Back in 1920’s this man had snuck onto the farm and grabbed the chicken without warning. But instead of frying the bird up for dinner, the man looked Pluckie square in the eyes and said, “I don’t know why I plucked you from the bunch, but I’m sorry, Pluckie.” The man then closed his eyes and said, “No more people. No more human blood. Be strong. You can do this, Edward, you can do this” and then sunk his razor-sharp vampire teeth into Pluckie’s neck. The moment the fangs entered his neck, however, Farmer Johnson appeared with a shotgun and started firing at the intruder. Startled, Edward dropped the chicken’s half-dead body to the ground. When Pluckie awoke the next morning, he quickly realized that the vampire bite had caused him to become an undead murderous chicken. Since that day his only purpose in life has been to track down this “Edward” and get revenge. As Pluckie looked at the newspaper article, he saw a headline announcing the “Cullen-Swan” wedding. The moment the chicken saw the engagement photo, he instantly recognized Edward’s face. With a tenacious, murderous look in his eye, Pluckie begins his vengeful flight toward Forks...


Chapter 9: Feds
“I’ve got it! I found the case that will make my career!” announces officer Rock Hardcastle, lead investigator of the Securities and Exchange Commission. The ambitious Hardcastle has plans to one day move from his SEC post into the governor’s mansion, and then ultimately end up in the White House. The only thing he is missing is a widely publicized investigation that will show him as a hero and get his name in the public eye. After all, it worked for Elliott Spitzer. Hardcastle had been monitoring the suspicious stock trading patterns of an Edward Cullen who seems to have an uncanny ability to buy a stock a few days before an enormous increase in value and then sell it the next day, making millions in the process. Edward's sister, Alice, has the ability to see into the future and advises Edward on which stocks to buy, so his investments always immediately skyrocked in value. Rock concludes that Edward is the head of the largest insider trading ring in the history of the United States. Convinced that this investigation and arrest will vault him into national prominence, Rock Hardcastle boards a plane to Forks…

Will Edward and Bella's relationship make it? Will Jacob be successful in his bid to win Bella's affection by pulling his best Kobe Bryant impersonation? Will Pluckie get his revenge? Will Bella become a vampire before the Volturi arrive? Will Rock Hardcastle get a well-publicized perp walk? Check back later this week for Part II....

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The Breaking Dawn Pre-Release Party, NMH Style!

Friday, July 18, 2008

When I started writing this blog two years ago I figured that my family and close friends might be mildly interested in it, but nobody else. So I chugged along for a year and a half and would get excited on the rare instances of "heavy traffic" when my SiteMeter statistics recorded double digit visitors in one day. Because blogging gave me a fun, creative outlet, I was perfectly content with a readership that consisted of about twenty family, friends and ward members. Then I wrote the Twilight post followed by the Edward spoof that were circulated around the net after Angela Hallstrom placed a link from her blog at Segullah.org to mine.

Since many of you who are reading my blog today are doing so because of my quirky take on the Twilight books, I figured I would give my peeps what they want:

A BREAKING DAWN PRE-REALEASE PARTY, NMH STYLE!

Many of you die-hard Twilight fans are anxiously counting down the milliseconds until Breaking Dawn is released at 12:01 a.m. on August 2nd so that you can rush to your nearest Barnes & Noble and buy it as quickly as possible. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if several of you are planning to buy the book at midnight and then stay up reading it cover-to-cover before your kids wake up at 6:55 a.m. Admit it! You're out there, I know it. (Side note: Can you imagine how insane Barnes & Noble will be in some parts of the country [read: Utah] when Breaking Dawn is released? Don't be surprised if it resembles the bi-annual Filene's Basement Running of the Brides wedding dress stampede. My conservative estimate is that 143 B&N Associates will be killed and another 815 injured.)

To help tide many of you over until August 2nd, I have decided to dedicate my next several posts to writing my own version of Breaking Dawn. That's right! For the past few days I have been channeling my inner Stephenie Meyer and think I have a pretty good guess about how the book will turn out. Well, assuming that the real Breaking Dawn includes references to the McCain/Obama race, American Idol, Teen Wolf, and Homer Simpson, because my version sure does.

The first several chapters of my version of Breaking Dawn will be posted on Monday 7/28 with additional chapters posted throughout the week. Just to clarify, I am only going to be writing some chapter overviews, not an actual 600-page book. Spread the word. It should be good times.

I also thought it would be fun to let you vote on a bizarre character for me to weave into my spoof story, so please vote for one using the poll in the right-hand column. The character with the most votes by the end of the week will appear in my posts.

Lastly, if you know any Barnes & Noble employees, you may want to advise them to increase their short-term disability and their life insurance policies before 8/2. It's going to be a blood bath.

Sticking Up for Utah

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Phew! I knew this topic might generate some good comments, but I was not expecting 5,807 words within 48 hours. That number is not an exaggeration, I did the word count in MS Word. So after reading through a list of comments that rivals the length of a Dostoevsky novel, here are a few of the main themes thus far:

-Most people recognize that Utahans are regular, normal, good people who generally live the gospel, though you will always have a few who do not in a sample size that large.
-Many people have no ill will toward Utah or Utahans, they would simply prefer to live elsewhere.
-A small number of people have very negative perceptions of Utahans and went as far as calling them judgmental, hypocritical, and vain. (Ouch!)
-Several commenters have noted that the people who have labeled Utahans as "judgmental" and "hypocritical" are coming across as...well...pretty judgmental and hypocritical. (It is hard to call somebody judgmental without sounding judgmental. Did that make me sound judgmental? If you said, "yes", please stop being so judgmental.)

As I said in my original post on this topic, I have never really understood why there are some people who lived in Utah and had so many negative experiences with church members. I do not doubt that these experiences were real for the people who lived them. The majority of people who tend to disparage "Utah Mormons", as they see it, are not born-and-bred Utahans. Most of them lived in the state for a few years during college or a for a short job stint and then left for other, more exciting places. You know, like Missouri or Wyoming. While some of the anti-Utahan comments left me with a bad taste in my mouth, the discussion shed light on why a small number of people disliked living among the Saints in Utah. It all comes down to one word:

Expectations.

Several of the people who were critical of Utah used phrases like, "...and I expected great things...", "...my expectation (of Utahans) would be extremely high...", and "...I was disappointed in people who should have known better." If nothing else, I have learned that non-Utahans have pretty high expectations of Utah church members.

While I understand why the expectations are high, my experiences with the Saints in Utah has been overwhelmingly positive, as have my experiences in Idaho, Chile, Arizona, Nevada, and North Carolina. The Utah ward that I grew up in was comprised of just three city blocks and nearly every family was active and sealed in the temple. If I had to guess, I would estimate that the level of active families probably approached 90%. One of the few less-active families were my next-door neighbors, and they returned to activity thanks to the patient service of a faithful Home Teacher who visited them for fifteen years before they returned to activity. The vast majority of my high school friends worthily served missions and were married in the temple. At BYU I found myself surrounded by bright, active church members who loved the gospel and lived it in word and deed. Maybe I am naive, or perhaps I'm just a homer, but I truly believe that the majority of Utah Saints are great people who do their best to live the gospel. This holds true for members of the church in every other place where I have lived. During my visit home to Utah last week I spoke with a High Priest Group Leader who told me that they obtain 100% home teaching every month without having to compel people to make their visits. Are they perfect? Of course not. Those of you who are being so critical of Utah, please let me know when you find a religion or a state where everybody does everything right all of the time. It is probably a wonderful place. Like New Jersey.

But this is just my subjective opinion. I did a little research to see if there is any objective data to shed some light on Utah, and here is what I found:

-According to WebMd.com, Utah has the lowest reported use of marijuana, tobacco, alcohol consumption, and underage drinking (i.e. they tend to live the Word of Wisdom).
-According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Utah has the lowest rate of unwed mothers, lowest teen birth rate, and highest percentage of married-couple households (i.e. they tend to live the Law of Chastity). Utah also has the highest birth rate and lowest percentage of working mothers in the country.
-According to Forbes.com, Utah is the most generous state in the nation (i.e. people pay their tithes and offerings.)
-According to Adherence.com, Utah is the most Christian state in the nation. (I cannot vouch for the quality of this website, but I thought it might be relevant to include.)
-Regarding member missionary work, I have heard repeatedly that Utah missions baptize more converts than any other missions in the United States but could not find any recent, credible stats to back this up. The most legitimate statement I could find was from Elder Thomas S. Monson in 1977 when he said, "It is not insignificant that the Utah Salt Lake City Mission leads all English-speaking missions in effectiveness and in total convert baptisms." (i.e. Utahans have ample opportunity to share the gospel and appear to do it effectively.)
-According to ESPN.com, BYU's football team has the nation's longest winning streak at 10 games and may have a chance to go undefeated this year and earn a BCS bid. (So what does this have to do with the topic? Nothing. It just proves that I'm a homer, that's all.)

In other words, there may be more people in Utah who live traditional Christian values of morality, temperance, charity, proclaiming the gospel, and sweet college football than any other place in the country! Take that, New Hampshire! You too, Delaware! This is obviously debatable, but there is a lot of evidence to support the argument. But still, the key is expectations. Many of you may have read that and said, "Of course Utah ranks high in those areas, it is supposed to!" If you had that thought, there is nothing that can be said that will convince you that Utahans are by and large faithful, obedient Saints. Again, are they perfect? Of course not, but who is?

Now, the objective downside of Utah:

-According to Forbes.com, Salt Lake is "America's Vainest City" as measured by the number of cosmetic surgeons per capita. However, the author is quick to note that the number may be high due to the U of U's School of Medicine, which offers residencies in plastic and reconstructive surgery. Just another example of how the U of U is tarnishing Utah's good name! (Kidding. Kidding. Only a joke. Don't send the hate mail.)
-According to the Deseret News, Utah normally ranks among the highest amount of bankruptcies per capita. The article does point out that this may be a function of larger families and lower incomes as mothers stay at home to raise children instead of entering the workforce. (i.e. it's not like most Utahans are declaring bankruptcy because they cannot afford the payments on their Porsche and winter home in Hawaii.)

When it all comes down to it, I think D&C 1:30-32 sums it up best:
30. And also those to whom these commandmets were gives, might have power to lay the foundation of this church, and to bring it forth out of obscurity and out of darkness, the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth, with with I, the Lord, and well pleased, speaking unto the church collectively and not individually.

31. For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance;

32. Nevertheless, he that repents and does the commandments of the Lord shall be forgiven.

As individuals, we are all imperfect whether we are Utahans, North Carolinians, Brazilians or Connecticutters (I made that up, but is sounds good). It is thrilling to me that the Lord will continue to move His work along through us, as imperfect as we are. Because of our universal imperfection, we should be very careful in our judgments of others, whether they be individuals or collective groups of people. We will make our experiences in the church, and life in general, as wonderful and positive or as miserable and mundane as we want them to be regardless of where we live.

Life would be even sweeter if BYU gets a BCS bid this year. Go Coogs!

(Homer! Homer!)

Utah! You Too or You Boo?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Fry sauce.
KSL radio.
Slurpees from The 'Sev.
My family.
Addresses based on a logical N-S-E-W grid pattern.
Picnics in Big Cottonwood canyon.

Oh, man, I'm missing Utah already! I just flew back to North Carolina from Salt Lake International yesterday after spending the past ten days in the Beehive state. Deseret. The 8-0-1. My home. The Normal Mormon Wife's younger sister got married in Utah last week so we split our time between my family in South Jordan and her family in Roosevelt. I didn't want it to end. Especially since my parents finished their basement with a state-of-the-art home theater, a pool table, foozball table, and have DirectTV. Oh, yeah, and I love them, too.

With the exception of one year in Idaho (Rick's College) and 2 years in Chile (LDS mission), I spent the first 26 years of my life in the shadows of the Oquirrh and Wasatch mountains. Every time I go home and take I-15 to 215, everything just feels natural. Over the past seven years I have lived in Arizona, Nevada and now beautiful North Carolina. Each of these places are special to me, but every time I go home it just confirms to me that I'm a Utah boy. Plain and simple. I spent my childhood wasting quarters at the 49th Street Galleria, eating Mushroom Things at Scott's, avoiding Magna water, and dodging semi-automatic weapons and knife fights at West Fest at Granger High. I guess Utah is permanently woven into my DNA. And I miss it!

There is a famous movie line about how there is no place quite like home. What movie was that from, again? I'm drawing a complete blank right now....I think it involves a dog, a witch, a twister...Oh, yeah, I just remembered. It's Happy Gilmore. You remember that scene of cinematic brilliance when Happy misses a putt and screams at his golf ball, "Why don't you just go home!? That's you're home! Are you too good for your home!? Answer me!!!!"

While the golf ball never answered Happy, I will. And I'm not only answering Happy, but also my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, in-laws, grandparents, nieces, nephews, friends, and people who want to recruit me into their Network Marketing organization who asked me the same questions about 459,872 times last week. I am pretty sure that my answer will generate some good comments from many of you because the "living in Utah" topic can get pretty passionate. My web counter allows me to track state-by-state where people live who visit my blog, and 25% of you live in Utah. The other 75% of you have most likely either lived in Utah, have family in Utah, or may end up living there one day. So, Happy (and everybody else), here is your answer.

Question: "Why don't you just go home!?"
Answer: "It's complicated."

Okay, that's a complete cop out, but it truly is complicated. First of all, the NMW and I are very, very happy in North Carolina. We have been here for five years and we love our friends, our ward, our house, the moderate temperature, and how old-school southerners begin their sentences with, "Well I'll tell you what...".

Second, my job is here and I have been given challenging opportunities and promotions by my employer that I did not expect to have this early in my career. The company I work for has treated me well and I would most likely have to leave my employer to get closer to home.

The third reason may sound kind of strange to some of you, but we really feel like the Lord guided us here and needs us here for a period of time. We needed to be here for our own personal development and we have been able to give meaningful service in the church. While it is true that we can grow and the Lord can put us to work anywhere we live, the NMW and I are pretty sure that this is the right place for us right now.

But the last reason is the most important of all - the Normal Mormon Wife does not want to live in Utah. Ever. She spent most of her life in Arizona and only lived in Utah during her college years, so it is not her home. Her reasons are very practical and I understand where she is coming from when we talk about it. We do not argue about it nor do we allow it to come between us, we just simply have differing points of view. The NMW wants to be closer to our families as badly as I do and would be perfectly happy living in Las Vegas, Albuquerque, or maybe somewhere warm in Arizona.

Just not Utah.

And she is not alone.

In my travels around the country I have spoken with hundreds of people who sit on opposite sides of the "living in Utah" fence. There are those who love Utah and will never leave. Many of them can trace their Utah ancestry back to the pioneers and have hundreds of extended family members scattered from Tremonton to Hurricane (pronounced "Hurr-ih-cun" for you out-of-staters.) They want to raise their families where the church is strong and their kid does not have to be the only member of the church in a 2,000-person high school. You know, like Chubbs being the only one-handed black golfer on the PGA Tour in Happy Gilmore. Others love the mountains, the seasons, going to BYU, U of U, and Jazz games, or hitting Chuck-a-Rama after General Priesthood Conference.

On the other hand, there are those who think that there are too many complacent "Utah Mormons" out there who take the church for granted. I hear the "Utah Mormon" reason all the time, and it completely puzzles me. There are good and not-so-good members of the church from Hurr-ih-cun to Hong Kong. Some parents want their child to be the only member of the church in his or her school so that he or she has to develop a strong testimony without simply relying on a strong group of LDS friends. These parents want their children to stand out from the crowd, like the unconventional Happy Gilmore on the PGA Tour, only in a more positive way. Others just simply hate the snow and could never be happy buried in the cold, wet, white stuff the entire winter.

The reasons for living or not living in Utah are endless. The feelings are usually passionate. I would love to move back. The NMW would not. In our own minds, we are both right. Please feel free to answer the poll questions and post some comments about where you stand on living, or not living, in Utah. In the meantime I will be sitting at home in North Carolina daydreaming about skiing at Yuba Lake.

And going to BYU campus.
And eating crispy bean burritos from Taco Time.
And seeing temples everywhere.
And the beauty of Bridal Vail Falls.
...
...
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The Most Grammatically Incorrect Post Ever

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

At this very moment there are millions of people around the world striving to achieve the impossible. Some are trying to cure cancer. Others are taking their first steps toward the summit of Everest. Me? I’m taking all of your grammar pet peeves and endeavoring to write the most grammatically incorrect blog post in the history of the internet! Hooray for dreaming big! (Disclaimer: the the events in the post are completely ficticious and do not represent any experiences the NMW and I have had).Forget everything you learned in English class, cast Webster’s to the side, hold your breath just long enough to kill a few brain cells, and enjoy the most grammatically incorrect blog post ever!


July 5th, 2008:

Me and my wife were odviously late fer our first appointment with our realitor. We was late because we ran out of melk and couldn’t make our Mot-o-Meal breakfast without it. Im not drinking lots of melk right now because it supposably has a lot of harmones in it, so I had toast and got ready on time. But my wife can loose her temper and have wild moose wings, expecially when she does’nt eat breakfast. I drather be late then have my wife loose her temper with the realitor, so she essensually ate a Dennys’ breakfast slam that took ferever! I drove faster than an ambilance driver to get to our appointment, but we was verily late anyways.

Our realitors’ name is Jenny. I was nauseous that we was late because Jenny had broughten us a throw pellow as a gift. She said my wife and me could put it in our new house after it gets boughten. I saw that Jennys’ car had an Illinoise license plate, so I axed her how come it was on their? You see, my wife and me was born in Chicago, so I wondered if Jenny was from their to. Jenny said she was driving her sister in laws’ car because it was better then hers. Jenny never forreals said where she was from. It should have been a mute point, but it really effected me for some weird reason’s. Irregardless, I was suspicious of Jenny now.

Jenny only wanted to show us really expensive house’s. There was one by the mounin’ and another by Barnes and Nobles that were $300,000! Did Jenny think I was an ATM machine? I think she was trying to melk us for a lot of money (e.g. a lot of commission’s) by showing us the home’s over their. I liked Jenny at first, but I was now thinking that she was trying to pray on us like a woof in sheeps’ clothing. Sometimes the necked truth is hard to swallow.

I looked at my wife and told Jenny that her and me don’t really care about keeping up with the Jone’s and just need an affordable house. So Jenny took us to one that we could afford but it was next to a nucular plant, and that made me and my wife kinda nervous. Anyways, we did not find any good house’s that day. When we was done, I was beaten! Finding a new house is not a walk in the cake.

That night my wife and me read our Book or Mormons and we was reminded about how people’s lives can be ruined by being greedy. I then read an Ensin article about the same subject. It made me think of my patriarticle blessing that says I need to be wise with the money’s that I will earn. I told my wife, “Congradulations!” fer not buying a house that was to expensive. Anyways, her and me don’t need one of the biggest house’s to be happy. We will be happy irregardless!

(Side note: I am truly sorry for making you read this because it will make you speak like a hillbilly for the next two days. I have saying "me and her" instead of "she and I" and using words like "gotten" for the last several hours since writing this post. My bad.)