More Anne Geddes Photos For Men: Featuring Chuck Norris!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Hello. This is Chuck Norris.

If you read my introduction and are still alive, it is simply because I have not yet chosen to emerge from your computer monitor and pummel you. When Anne Geddes approached me about being the host for her "Man" series, she said that I would "get caught up in the moment" being around all of these cute babies. I immediately corrected her by saying, "Chuck Norris does not get caught up in the moment. The moment gets caught up in Chuck Norris."

Anne told me that after working with the babies that I would see how there is nothing more beautiful in the world than a precious, innocent child. I corrected this misconception by flexing my pecks. Now Anne understands what the world "beautiful" truly means. Unfortunately, she will never go back to photographing children.

Chuck Norris is a man of action. Let's do this thing.

Piece #5: Baby's First Steps, Baby's First Kill

Piece #6: Growing Up at 100 MPH

Piece #7: The Baby Basket
Piece #8: Building the Future

Piece #9: Pushing My Buttons...You had better be smiling right now. If you aren't, just remember I know a man who could rearrange your face before your next heartbeat. You had better also vote for your favorite new photo. If you don't exercise your right to vote, I know a man who will exercise his right to put you in traction.

I am that man.

I am Chuck Norris!


***MY COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR COMMENTS***

Charlotte - THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! You said, "if you haven't ever done so, google 'find chuck norris' and hit the 'I'm feeling lucky' button. Worth a chuckle." Maybe I just like the random Chuck Norris quotes that float around the web, but I chortled - nay - snickered out loud at what happens when you do that Google search. I am still proud of myself for coming up with the whole, "Chuck Norris doesn't get caught up in the moment..." comment. Creating witty Chuck Norris quotes is harder than you might think it is. But then again, you're not Chuck Norris. Nothing is hard for him.

Anne Geddes - For Men

Monday, October 27, 2008

We own an enormous coffee table book called "Miracle - A Celebration of New Life." And no, guys, it's not "Miracle" as in the 1980 US Olympic hockey team that shocked the sporting world by beating the Russians in Lake Placid. Our book is quite the opposite, in fact, as it is one of those 200-page Anne Geddes photo books. You know, the ones where babies are dressed up like rutabagas, cabbages and baby wolverines in an effort to be cute.

Our Anne Geddes book is a "special" edition. By special I mean it took an otherwise successful forumla (e.g. babies dressed up as catapillar larvae fighting to the death inside of their coccoon) and made it worse. We happen to own the edition in which Anne Geddes decided to team up with Celine Dion and feature the Canadian drama queen on every single page. The simple act of leafing through this book has made me 47% less manly. I'm also now strangely, inexplicably attracted to Celine Dion and I have an uncontrollable desire to eat a head of cabbage.

Just kidding. I don't feel like cabbage.

(Pause for awkward Celine Dion-related silence)

While I was looking at page after page of Celine Dion making serious faces at sleeping babies who are dressed as miniature asps, I asked myself, "What type of pictures would Anne Geddes take if she were a man?" Well, one thing led to another and before I knew it I was doing my best to take a stab at it with Microsoft Paint. Without further ado, I present the Male Anne Geddes Collection.

Actually, I like Manne Geddes better. Enjoy!

Piece #1: The Birth of a Champion:


Piece #2: Parental Fumbles Not Allowed


Piece #3: Stanley, the Manly


Piece #4: You're Wife Got You Hook, Line, and Sinker on Having a Fourth Kid, Didn't She?


Feel free to vote on which picture you liked the best. Also, please leave some comments with other manly types of settings where Manne Geddes would take pictures. The Deer Hunt? A mechanic's garage? With a female college sports team? You tell me.

Also, instead of Celine Dion, who would be the "special" male guest? Clint Eastwood? Jack La Lane?

Enough typing. I wonder if there's a rutabaga in the fridge to snack on....

Final Blueprints: The Ultimate Man Cave

Friday, October 17, 2008

Behold, the Ultimate Man Cave! (Vote on the right for the best new feature).

There were too many great comments to fit them all in, but here are the ones that stuck:

1) Replaced the mini-fridge/freezer with a soft serve ice cream dispenser. Thanks to J-Peter for the suggestion. Since the mini-fridge garnered a whopping 3% of the "Best Feature" vote, it could definitely be axed. I love soft serve ice cream. When the NMW and I went on our 10th Anniversary cruise last summer there was a dispenser on the Lito deck. I created a policy that every time we walked by that wonderful machine that I had to get myself a cone. By the end of the week I had probably wolfed down nearly 100 cones. And don't get me started on our visits to Golden Corral. I think the next time we go I am just going to stop all of the pretenses and just eat ice cream sundaes and nothing else until my gall bladder explodes and my blood turns to a thick, delicious, white cream.

2) Got rid of the game table in favor of a Foosball table and double Pop-a-Shot game. What was I thinking with the game table? With 2% of the "Best Feature" vote, you could call it the "lame table" instead. (Say it like Adam Sandler says, "Chlorophyll? More like Borophyll!" and it's quite a bit more amusing.) Big thanks to Big Tex and Capt Naykid for talking some sense into me. The Pop-a-Shots are the best. We had one in our basement growing up and spent many an hour down there. Every time we take the kids to Chuckie Cheese I manage to slip away and drop a few tokens into the Pop-a-Shot and make a run at the record. In my Man Cave there would be an abundance of mini basketballs as well. Nothing is more frustrating than waiting for balls to roll to you when you are in a groove on Pop-a-Shot.

3) Bathroom with TV. Anonymous, whomever you are, can take credit for this one. This would also be convenient for the guy who is pretending to watch Monday Night Football but really wants to see the season finale to ER or Ugly Betty but is afraid to admit it. He could claim that the window well chicken and ice cream upset his stomach, which would explain the long, frequent visits to the john. As soon as he leaves the bathroom after visibly crying and says, "Marua Tierny just left ER!", he will be forever banned from the Cave.

4) Video Game Room. Had to replace the lame/game table with something. BTW - I will accept any and all challenges for a one-and-done Double Dribble tournament. Puberty was jump started for me the first time I saw the close-up slow motion dunk sequence. Classic.

5) Sound-proof Kids Play Room. This is not only great for "watching the kids" at the same time you are watching the game, but it would be good for general use as well. You know, like the days when you get home from Church completely exhausted and you give the kids "quiet time" in their rooms so that you can take a nap? (Does everybody else do this as well?) Well, this will give them somewhere to go while you rest from the strenuous efforts on your day of rest.

6) The Theme. Isaac, you were dead on. The Man Cave needs a theme. Instead of doing a complete Lakers, BYU, or Carolina Panthers theme, I would find old photos showing my most memorable sporting moments and hang them on all of the walls. Every one of them would be a conversation starter and provide me with sports-related warm fuzzies. Here are a few of those moments off the top of my head:

1-Magic Johnson's "Baby Hook" to beat the Celtics in the NBA Finals. Greatest play in NBA history.
2-Marcus Allen's 74-yard cut-back touchdown run against Washington in the 1982 Super Bowl. I loved the Raiders as a kid. This was before you had to worry about getting shot for gang-related reasons for wearing Raiders apparel.
3-
Ty Detmer leading BYU to a win over #1 Miami in Provo. I was there, stormed the field, and snatched a handfull of turf for posterity's sake.
4-A picture of Marty Haws and Andy Toolson from BYU's basketball team. These guys were my idols as a kid. I used to pretend that I was Marty Haws when I shot around in my front yard. When I was playing hoops in High School I was invited to play in a pretty selective pick-up league for good HS players and pros who were playing in Europe and needed to stay in shape. Well, both Haws and Toolson played in this league. I will never forget one sequence where I stripped Andy Toolson and outletted the ball to Marty Haws. Marty and I had a 2-on-1 fastbreak and he gave me a perfect feed. I took the pass and threw down a monster two-handed dunk. As I parachuted down from the rim, Marty slapped my backside and yelled, "Way to finish!" That is one of most single exciting moments in my sporting life.
5-A D-League picture of Randy Livingston. This is just to be a reminder that you can take nothing in life for granted. When I was playing in the national HS All-Star circuit my Senior year, Randy Livingston was hands-down the best player in the nation. He was going to be the next MJ. Well, he got hurt, had some troubles, and ended up spending a lot of time in the D-League. This still leaves me both flummoxed and perplexed to this day.
6-Nolan Ryan holding Robin Ventura in a headlock and giving him a nuggie after Ventura charged the mound. This is both funny and instructive. Funny because Nolan Ryan is like 48 years old at the time and whipping a young punk. Instructive because it serves as a good reminder to never start a fight with an old cowboy type like Nolan Ryan, no matter how old he is or how many barbed-wire-on-the-bicep tattoos you may have.
7-Joe Carter's walk-off home run to win the World Series. I was on the deer hunt and listened to this on the radio. My brother, two cousins and I were all hormonally imbalanced teen-agers at the time and were sitting around the campfire listening to the game. As the announcer yelled, "It's going...going..going...", my grandfather turned the radio off and asked, "Do you boys know what happened to David after he slaid Goliath?" Well, I never heard the rest of the radio announcer describing one of the most dramatic World Series moments in baseball history. On the good side, I never forgot what happened to David, either.

Okay, enough typing. I'm going to bed.

I just wish I had a Man Cave so that I could squeeze in a game of Pop-a-Shot before hitting the hay. Oh well, at least I will have something to dream about tonight.

And for the rest of my life...


***MY COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR COMMENTS***

Collin - A urinal! of course! How could I have forgotten the urinal???!!! I read an article several years ago about Rasheed Wallace installing urinals in his mansion. While Rasheed can be a bonehead on the court at times, he is a genius interior decorator. I vowed to my self that day that if I ever had the money that I would install urinals in the bathroom. And then I blew it with the Man Cave design! Thanks for the reminder. When and if I ever build a Man Cave I will call the urinal "The Collin Memorial Serenity Wall" in honor of your insight.

The Man Cave

Friday, October 10, 2008

The scriptures tell us that we shalt not covet. We are specifically warned against coveting our neighbor's houses, wives, man-servants (Deacon who cuts his lawn?), maid-servant (semi-legal Puerto Rican nanny?) or farm animals (children?).

Fortunately for me, there is no specific warning against coveting your father's house. In my latest trip from North Carolina back home to Utah my dad was giddy to show me how he had finished his basement. When I say giddy, I mean Christmas Eve giddy. The night before Stake Lagoon Day giddy. Learning that the Lakers traded a washed-up player, a bottle of Ex-Lax, and a $2 bill for Paul Gasol giddy. And he had reason to be so excited.

He created a man cave.

And I'm not really coveting, per se, because that's bad. I am perfectly content with my man cave-less house. But let's just say that if somebody offered to construct a similar room in my house that I'd be all over that like Oprah on a hot ham.

My dad's basement has a a High Def ceiling-mounted projector that enables you to watch NBA players in life size proportions. You can nearly taste Derron Williams' sweat and understand every single one of Jerry Sloan's F-bombs as your body molds into a Luv Sac or a Lazy Boy. The Lazy Boys even have cup holders. In addition to the iMax TV experience, there is a pool table and a foosball table that are put to use during halftime or when the Lakers are losing by 86 points to the Celtics in the NBA Finals. I truly bonded with my dad as we relaxed in the dark and watched the Jazz first pre-season game. Most of our sentences consisted of three words or less and sounded like, "Nice huss'", "Bad pass", "Hit a jumper!", or "Good helpside", but it brought us together like eating undercooked pancakes at a Fathers and Sons outing.

My dad then waxed me at pool to assert his silverback/alpha-male status. It was good times.

The visit to the man cave has caused me to think about what my personal man cave would look like if I ever had the room and the money to do it. I'm pretty sure that my recent investments in Fanny Mae and Lehman Brothers will soon pay off big time and give me some free cash to play around with. Hold on while I check their stock quotes....Guh...arrrgh....uuggghhh.

Okay, I will never be able to build a man cave. But if I could here is what it would look like:


I was also trying to work out enough room to build a sound-proof child play area, but after heavy consideration I went with the game table and pantry.

Guys, what do you think? Go ahead and vote in the poll to let me know what needs to stay and what could go. Post some comments as well to list additional items that should ideally be squeezed into the man cave. And ladies, you often tend to have a better eye for interior decorating, so please post some suggestions as well.

Since my Fanny May and Lehman investments are not paying off, I'll have to save enough money for my future man cave through other means.

If any of you want to fire the Deacon who mows your lawn or let go of your semi-legal Puerto Rican nanny, please let me know. I'm looking to supplement my income.