The responses to the Normal Mormon Mediation post a few days ago is one of the reasons I enjoy having this blog so much. You guys really came through with some deep yet whimsical examples of disputes that you would like to have resolved. Your creativity was inspiring. Plus, hearing about the issues that some of you are facing reminded me that my life is way, way, way easier than 98% of the population. Thank you for helping me count my many blessings.
The first dispute that I am going to settle was posted by a reader named Ann, who said the following:
"Our dilemma is thus: Is Texas considered part of the South or part of the West? Everyone from the West says Texas is in the South while everyone from the South says Texas is in the West. Please help settle this argument. (Saying that Texas is an entity unto itself is a cop out and unsatisfactory.) We would appreciate your input as an objective nonparticipant who grew up in the West, but resides in the South."
When I initially read about Ann's dilemma, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that Texas was in the west. But then the Normal Mormon Wife and I went out to dinner on Saturday night and we debated this topic for quite some time. The NMW, who has much more common sense than I do (she beats me by a 16:1 ratio - I've researched this topic on many occasions), made a convincing case that Texas is actually part of the south. When the NMW and I have differing opinions on a topic that requires common sense, basic life skills, or finding food items in the pantry, I feel like former American Idol Kelly Pickler while the NMW normally plays the part of Nathan (the 5th Grader) in the clip below:
By the way, Kelly Pickler is a product of the North Carolina public education system. I just unilaterally decided to start saving up for private school for our kids...
Anyway, my point to the NMW was that Texas is in the west because I have a mental picture of Texas as being a rugged, deserty, lawless, rootin' tootin', saloon buildin', country music singin', Ford pickup drivin', longhorn cattle stealin', tin-star sherrif wearin' part of the wild west. When I think of the south, I have images of Cajun folk sitting on the edge of the swamp cooking up jambalaya and trying to avoid getting eaten by alligators. Not to paint with too broad or too demeaning of a brush, but I think of Adam Sandler and his mama in The Waterboy when I think of the south, medulla oblongottas and all.
The NMW focused most of her argument about Texas being part of the south on the fact that all southerners have one thing in common - an accent. And Texans definitely have accents. Since the NMW and I were both pretty sure about the stances we had taken we decided to call the NMW's mom (my mother-in-law) to get her opinion since she was born and raised in Texas. To my horror, the Normal Mormon Mother-in-Law agreed with the NMW that Texas is part of the south! My mother-in-law is a very smart, practical person and was quick to point out that her opinion represented just one of millions of opinions that Texans would have on the matter. After hearing the opinions of two very smart, intelligent, logical women, I started to waver and thought that I should change my opinion. But then I considered one more item that left me with the gumption to declare without hesitancy:
TEXAS IS PART OF THE WEST!
(Oh, gosh. I just publicly disagreed with my wife and my mother-in-law. Maybe they won't read my blog for a day or two...)
The logic that Texas is part of the west is as simple as it is sound - just look at the names of their professional sports teams:
1) Dallas COWBOYS (NFL)
2) San Antonio SPURS (NBA)
3) Dallas MAVERICKS (NBA)
4) Texas RANGERS (MLB)
Cowboys + Spurs + Mavericks + Rangers = West. No doubt about it. This is conclusive. If Texas were part of the south, their team names would have been something like this:
1) Dallas Opossums (NFL)
2) San Antonio Yes Ma'ams (NBA)
3) Dallas Gravy Biscuits (NBA)
4) Texas Bible Thumpers (MLB)
The other professional sports teams in Texas have to do with the space program - Houston Rockets (NBA), Houston Astros (MLB) and the Dallas Stars (NHL - which is a little-known sports league that plays hockey, allegedly.) So by using the sports teams as the indicator of geography criteria, if Texas is not part of the west then it is part of the moon. The south comes in a distant third place.
Ann, this should settle your dispute once and for all. Texas is definitely part of the west. I would really like to hear the opinions of you readers out there to see if I was right to stand my ground or if I should have listened to the NMW and NMM-i-L. You can post your comments to agree or disagree and also vote in the poll on the right. If 75% of you disagree with me in the poll I will officially change my stance, issue an apology to Texans everywhere, and admit that my wife and mother-in-law were right.
Like I said, the NMW is right on a 16:1 ration on common sense stuff like this. I just hope today is that lucky one time I get every once in a while.
I've gotta be right on this one, though. I mean, whose ever heard of the Dallas Gravy Biscuits?
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