From: The Normal Mormon Husband
To: Stephen Baldwin; Isha Williams; David Limbaugh
Re: SUPPORT GROUP FOR INFERIOR SIBLINGS
Meeting Date: Sat. March 28th, 2009
Hey, guys, it’s time for our quarterly support group meeting for those of us who suffer from Severe Inferior Sibling Syndrome (SISSY). The past couple of months have been hard for each of us as we keep seeing our siblings accomplish incredible things that seem impossible to us slack-jaws who somehow share the same genetic makeup as our overachieving brothers and sisters.
Those of you in my support group know that I have three incredibly awesome siblings. Since our last SISSY meeting they have managed to get a book published by Deseret Book, earn a 2008 Whitney Award Finalist nomination for Best Novel of the Year, and launch a new business. But I'll get into that in more detail on Saturday, okay? Enough about me. Let's talk about you guys.
I mean, look you, Stephen. I really hoped that you would have gained some ground on Alec since our last SISSY group meeting. You placed a respectable 5th place in last year's Celebrity Apprentice and then Sarah Palin called you her, "favorite Baldwin brother" during the campaign. While all of this was going on, your paparazzi stealing brother Alec was going through a terrible divorce and got busted calling his daughter a “fat pig.” But instead of you supplanting Alec as king of the Baldwins your glory hog brother lands the character of Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock and turns him into one of the most entertaining figures on television. I wouldn’t be surprised if Alec channeled his inner Jack Donaghey’s corporate shrewdness and somehow manipulated The Donald into firing you from The Apprentice. Alec knew that any more success from you and he would no longer be CEO on the Baldwin family organizational chart.
And Isha - yeesh-ah! Last time our group met it looked like Serena and Venus were going to hang up the tennis rackets for good. That would have largely removed them from the public eye and you would no longer have to be called, “The Williams Sister Who Never Practiced Tennis and Gave Up $100 Million in Potential Earnings and Endorsements.” Then, suddenly, Serena and Venus decided to start caring about tennis again and won the 2009 Australian Open doubles title. Venus followed that up by winning the Barclay's Championship. Does anybody even care that you went to Georgetown Law School? Nope. You're just the sister who hasn't won any grand slams.
And David, you just can’t seem to win either. Heck, you are a successful lawyer, columnist and New York Times best selling author, not just Rush's brother. Your star was supposed to rise against your brother when the 2008 presidential election frenzy finally ended and Rush’s ratings were supposed to go down. Then, instead of you stealing a little bit of Rush’s spotlight, President Obama had to go and pick a fight with him! The Talkmeister (Rush) vs. The Teleprompter (uh…umm…you know…Obama) has boosted your brother’s ratings higher than they have ever been. Why couldn’t Obama just go and pick a fight with somebody less interesting and less powerful than Rush? You know, maybe with somebody like Iran.
While I know each of you is struggling with your own SISSY issues, I am really going to need your support now more than ever in overcoming my SISSY-ness. I will tell you more about my incredible sisters and brother on Saturday. So for now I am just going to remind myself that I am the tallest of the four kids in my family and there is nothing that my super-achiever siblings can do about that! Plus, I have the craziest eyebrows, the largest 1980’s baseball card collection and I could wax the floor with any of them in a Madden tournament. I’m not sure if I should be proud about any of those claims to superiority, but it’s about all I’ve got.
I know this E-vite is getting too long already, so I'll stop typing for now and just tell you on Saturday about what my amazing siblings have been up to. It's pretty impressive.
In the mean time I am going to spend the rest of the week championing the causes of less successful siblings everywhere. I’m going to buy an autographed Billy Ripken baseball card on e-Bay. I am going to trade for Marc Gasol to be on my fantasy basketball team. Then I’m going to email Cooper Manning and ask if he would like me to send him a copy of the new Ashlee Simpson album.
I will end my evening by reading the autobiography of Malcolm X’s less famous brother, Malcolm Y.
Stay tuned until Saturday. I will really need your help with my SISSY complex after I tell you about my sisters and little brother.
Well, gotta jet. A re-run of the 30 Rock episode where Alec Baldwin plays his regular Jack character plus a HILARIOUS Mexican Telenovela bad guy is coming on right now...
Oops, my bad, Stephen. My bad.
See you guys on Saturday.
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