The NMH Academy Awards - Acceptance Speeches

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

(The house lights dim.)

Announcer's voice over the PA: "Live from the Nu Skin studios in glamorous Provo, Utah, it's the 2009 NMH Academy Awards acceptance speech extravaganza! Please welcome your host, the Normal. Mormon. Huzzzzzz-buuuhhhhhnnnddd!"

(Audience applause.)

(The NMH, donning a rented tuxedo, emerges from behind the curtain and takes his place behind the microphone.)

NMH: "Good evening, brothers and sisters, and welcome. Tonight we will be privileged to hear from the winners of the 2009 NMH Academy Awards. Before we begin, please give a round of applause to our house band - The Jets!"

(Audience applause.)

NMH: "We are definitely in for a treat tonight as we recognize the best and brightest men and women who create family-oriented entertainment. And when I say we are in for a treat, I don't mean the type of 'treat' the Bishopric member describes when he announces that a member of the High Council will be speaking in sacrament meeting!"

(Mild laughter.)

NMH: "Oh, pardon me. Did I say the High Council? I meant the Dry Council!"

(No laughter, followed by an awkward silence. A loud cough can be heard coming from the back of the auditorium.)

NMH: "So anyway, I wanted to start the evening off with a joke, but I only knew one joke and it is not appropriate to tell in a family-friendly stetting. My Stake President is a pretty funny guy so I asked him for a good joke to share tonight. Well, brothers and sisters, I now know TWO jokes that I can't tell in a family-friendly setting!"

(Crickets chirping. Audience members lighting themselves on fire.)

NMH: "Hey, cut me some slack. I'm still funnier than Letterman."

(Audience cheers wildly in agreement.)

NHM: "Without further ado, I present to you the winner of the 2009 NMH Oscar for Best Actor. Brothers and sisters, please welcome Po from Kung Fu Panda!"

(Audience cheers for seven minutes as Po lugs his fat body to the podium.)

Po (as written by Janet): "Oh, man! This is such a bodacious honor! How awesome is this? It's a dream come true for me to be standing here today. When I was starting out as a child actor I was just happy to come to work in a red suit with my friends, especially Dipsy, that green dude was hilarious! I didn't have any clear speaking parts, but the role could be pretty physically demanding, I had to dodge a lot of Tubby Toast, so I felt ready when I went for a part in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Of course, that role went to Chow Yun Fat, and he did all right, I guess. Doesn't matter though, because the role of a lifetime came along in Kung Fu Panda. I mean, I am a panda and I do a little kung fu when I'm hungry. We all had a great time filming, although Tigress was always so serious... It's just a part, Tigress! I got to keep my burlap shorts and the recipe for Secret Ingredient Soup, which is awesome! Oh man, the music's starting... I'm running out of time... oh, there are just so many people to thank ... um ... so ... thanks everybody! Keep kung fu fighting!"

NMH: "Po, we promise to keep on kung fu fighting as long as you promise to lay off the kung pow chicken!"

(Most audience members stand up and begin leaving while Letterman fans laugh hysterically at the funniest joke they have heard since 2003.)

NMH: "And now, brothers and sisters, it is my honor to present to you the winner of the 2009 Best Female Actress Oscar. Eve from WALL-E!"

(Eve darts behind the podium before the audience can begin clapping, creaming the NMH in the process.)

Eve (as written by Jolyn): "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am so honored. Where do I begin? Well, while you are probably stunned that I can give a speech because it requires speaking, you should recall that just as Sean Penn isn't really mentally disabled like his character in I Am Sam, I am not really a mute. After all, I can say 'WALL-E' and 'directive' in several languages, including Huttese derived from Jabba the Hutt. It's just a role I play. Now that that is out of the way I want to first thank the wonderful Normal Mormon Family for the nomination. Secondly I'd like to thank all the kids who begged, bribed and blackmailed their parents into taking them to see WALL-E. I would cry, but I can't, which is good because I would probably short out my motherboard or rust my parts together. Also, for those of you who didn't vote for me, I just have this to say: my plasma cannon is just a bit sensitive these days and it could go off randomly at any time. Thank you!"

(Audience members applaud until their hands begin to bleed rather than face the wrath of Eve's plasma cannon.)

NMH: "Thank you Eve. I would make a joke about what you said regarding Sean Penn not really being mentally disabled, but I'm a little bit scared of offending y..."

(Eve vaporizes the NMH with a single shot of her plasma cannon.)

(Audience cheers like a crowd that just witnessed a March Madness buzzer beater. Confetti rains down. Strangers kiss in the aisles.)

(Eve takes the mic.)

Eve: "And now for the moment we have all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present the Oscar for Best Picture. Please welcome the cast of Kung Fu Panda!"

Announcer's voice over the PA: "Accepting tonight's award on behalf of the cast is Po."

(Po nervously takes the mic as Eve aims her plasma cannon squarely at his face.)

Po (as written by Jennifer): "Wow, us? You picked us? Over all these other totally awesome movies? I can't believe it! I mean, all these other movies are so great. I mean, there's WALL-E with the whole outer space thing. (Eve nods in approval). Oh and that Horton movie with the elephant and the tiny people. I mean, it's such an honor just to be in the same category! And Madagascar with the animals and the dancing, and Bedtime Stories with Adam Sandler. THE Adam Sandler. It's just so awesome to be picked. But it's Kung Fu, you know? Everybody loves Kung Fu. Ooh, so um, I should... stop talking?"

(Eve nods her head.)

Eve: "We hope you enjoyed tonight's program. And next year - get the voting right! Best picture to Kung Fu Panda? Are you kidding me! You will pay for this! All of you!"

(Audience members flee for the exits amidst the sounds of a plasma cannon being fired by an angry, angry, angry little robot.)

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6 comments

Jolyn said...

I love it! And the Po acceptance speech was awesome!! I totally loved it!! It was great! You'll have to do this again next year. I can't wait.

7:08 PM
normal mormon wife said...

I'm thinking the same thing, Jolyn. (Loved the Eve speech, BTW.) This could be an annual tradition. Time to start taking notes on family-friendly films.

12:10 PM
Amber said...

Loved this. By the way, I absolutely agree about Letterman...and why in the heck does he wear white socks with his suits. Did he not have a mother? I had to stop watching him based almost entirely on his white socks...oh and the really bad jokes didn't help either.

12:15 PM
Admiral Lily said...
This comment has been removed by the author. 9:52 AM
Admiral Lily said...

HILARIOUS!!! Please oh please make this an annual thing. We little folk with better taste than the professionals like a little spotlight as well. ;)

9:53 AM
Nelson said...

Great post! I'm already looking forward to next year.

9:56 AM