Midnight Sun: Edward Undone!

Monday, April 13, 2009

EUREKA! I finally did it!

Isaac Newton
figured out the Laws of Motion. Einstein taught the world that E=MC2. James Chadwick discovered the neutron. The Fresh Prince taught us that parents just don't understand. And now after months of painstaking research my name can finally be added to the list of people who have solved life's great mysteries.

I HAVE FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY WOMEN LOVE EDWARD FROM TWILIGHT SO MUCH!

You see, I know hundreds of women between the ages of 14 and 114 who love Edward more than most men love a good NFL Playoff game and a bag of spicy pork rinds combined. After reading all of the Twilight books and watching the DVD - bonus material included - I was still stumped as to why women were so ga-ga over Edward. Sure, I can understand the fact that he is described to be physically beautiful (those are the womens' words, not mine), eternally youthful and loaded with cash. But these qualities only make Edward similar to Ricky Shroeder during the last season of Silver Spoons, yet I do not see any women wearing "Team Ricky" shirts these days.

But most women argue that it is not Edward's hotness or his Scrooge McDuck-esque pile of cash that attracts them to him. Women claim that it what is on the inside that makes Edward the man of their dreams. Most giddy females describe Edward as thoughtful, caring, compassionate, chivalrous and protective. I had always thought that Edward was somewhat controlling and overly possessive of Bella, kind of like the preppy, convertible-driving boyfriend at the beginning of The Goonies. This perception has made it hard for me to understand why women loved the guy so much (Edward, not the guy from The Goonies.)

But then I began to read Midnight Sun.

And after reading the first few pages of Midnight Sun, everything came together. As I read I felt for a moment like Neo when he cracked the code to the matrix and could control everything around him. In short, after reading Midnight Sun I understood precisely why women love Edward so passionately:

Edward speaks, thinks, and feels EXACTLY LIKE A WOMAN!

Okay, all you Twi-hards out there, please put down the pitchforks, burning torches and maps leading to my home. Please hear me out before you leave angry comments or threaten to kill me.

For those of you who are unaware, Midnight Sun was written by Stephenie Meyer to be Edward's first-person version of Twilight. Unfortunately, a partial draft of the book was illegally posted to the internet and distributed around the world before it was ready for wide release. After seeing the tremendous amount of work that went into the publishing of my sister's novel (Bound on Earth) and my brother's book (LDS Why?) I have a better understanding of how much work goes into writing and publishing a book. I honestly feel badly for Stephenie Meyer that Midnight Sun was illegally and prematurely released. You can read her painful account here, and you can also read a draft of Midnight Sun that Stephenie Meyer released by clicking here.

I began reading Midnight Sun to better understand Edward and why women adore him so fanatically. After all, this book is essentially Edward's personal diary of why and how he fell in love with an uncoordinated under-age minor without accidentally killing her or ending up on Dateline: To Catch a Predator.

After reading about ten pages of Edward's innermost thoughts it became painfully obvious to me that Edward thinks and feels exactly like a woman. This is one of the main reasons women adore him so much - they can identify with him. Because, let's face it, in casual social settings women generally prefer to socialize with other women. Conversely, in mixed company men tend to gravitate toward other males who will understand their frustrations with their fantasy sports teams and share in their love of beef jerky and other salty dead animals.

Since Edward is "a hottie" (again, I feel queasy using that word to describe another male) and loaded with cash, the fact that he is in touch with his inner Oprah makes him completely irresistible to women.

The reason that Edward is so in touch with his feminine side probably has to do with the fact that he is written by a woman. No matter how good of a writer Stephenie Meyer may be, she will never be a man. She does not know how we think, eat, sweat, hunt, bond, compete, fight or feel. Stephenie Meyer did the best she could as a non-testosterone producing woman to articulate the thoughts and feelings of the most desirable man on earth.

But the more I read, the more I was wholly convinced that Edward thinks and feels like a 30-something woman. Which, not surprisingly, is precisely what Stephenie Meyer is.

Here are five examples from the first several pages of Midnight Sun that clearly prove my point that Edward's thoughts and emotions have a definite female flair to them. Since I am a man, I also took the liberty of re-writing some of Stephenie Meyer's passages to "manly" it up and make the book more realistic.

Page 1: Bella has just arrived at Forks High School and her new classmates are fawning all over her. Edward can read the thoughts of every student in the school and is annoyed by their fascination with the "new girl."
  • Edward's Words: "The excitement over her arrival was tiresome and predictable - like flashing a shiny object at a child."
  • The Problem: Single men who have never sired a child (i.e. Edward) do not come up with examples involving little kids. Childless males create comparisons consisting of sports, video games, food and cars, but never babies.
  • What a Man Would Really Say: "The excitement over her arrival was tiresome and predictable - like a WWE wrestler who is about to be pinned then miraculously summons the power to lift his shoulder off the mat a millisecond before the final "3!" count.
Page 6: Edward is eavesdropping in on Jessica's thoughts in the cafeteria during lunch on Bella's first day at Forks HS. Edward has to listen to Jessica's jealous thoughts about Eric and Mike being attracted to Bella instead of to her.
  • Edward's Words: "I listened...(as)...Jessica's frivolous internal monologue continued to gush."
  • The Problem: The average adult males uses the words "frivolous", "monologue" and "gush" approximately one time per year. The probability that these three words would be used in the same sentence is as likely as the Cincinnati Bengals drafting somebody without a prison record.
  • What a Man Would Say: "I sort of listened to Jessica thoughts with half of my attention while the rest of my brain plotted Call of Duty strategies. Jessica's thoughts sounded like this - 'blah blah blah Mike blah blah blah Eric blah blah Bella blah blah...'"
Page 9: After seeing Bella for the first time in the cafeteria, Edward goes to class.
  • Edward's Words: "I headed off for my junior level biology class, preparing my mind for tedium. It was doubtful Mr. Banner, a man of no more than average intellect, would manage to pull out anything in his lecture that would surprise someone holding two graduate degrees in medicine."
  • The Problem: Again, Edward uses language that is far too fancy and frilly for a real life male.
  • What a Man Would Say: "I went to my boring biology class. Mr. Banner is stupid. I hate school. I want to light something on fire."
Page 10: Okay, this is the famous scene in biology class when Bella walks toward Edward and an overpowering scent floods the classroom.
  • Edward's Words: "The scent swirled around me again, scattering my thoughts and nearly propelling me out of my seat."
  • The Problem: Can't...type...still...giggling...
  • What a Man Would Say:"I farted." (I mean, come on! Talking about a "swirling scent" that "nearly propelled me out of my seat". I know he's a vampire, but Edward is still a man and subject to clearing a room with bodily odors, right?)
Page 17: As Edward considers devouring Bella like an Arby's Melt and then murdering all of his classmates, he pauses to think of the ramifications this decision would have on his family. Particularly, he thinks of his adopted mother, Esme.
  • Edward's Words: "I didn't have to cause my mother stress, worry...pain. Yes, it would hurt my adopted mother, too. And Esme was so gentle, so tender and soft. Causing someone like Esme pain was truly inexcusable."
  • The Problem: The only thing in their lives that men refer to as "gentle, tender and soft" are menu items at Ruth Chris' Steak House. Not their mothers. And when males are thinking about doing something stupid, they think about how mad their mom is going to be when she finds out, not that their actions would actually cause her pain.
  • What a Man Would Say: "I'm totally eating Bella. My mom is gonna kill me!"
This post is getting too long already, but there were several other examples that I could have used to substantiate my point that Edward is really a thirty-something woman on the inside.

So, men of the world, there is a lesson to be learned here. While none of us can compete with Edward's eternal youth, Adonis-like physique or his Bill Gates pre-recession bank account, we can become a little more refined.

Perhaps we should put down our crossbows and tune into Oprah every now and then. Maybe we should replace our Slim Jim's with salad forks every once in a while. I bet we can use refined words like "quench" and "gush" outside of a sentence that sounds like, "I couldn't quench the blood that was gushing out of hand after I shot it with a nail gun."

In other words, if you want to become the type of man who can compete with Edward - become more like a woman!

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189 comments

jennie w. said...

Did you realize that April 13th is The Ricker's birthday? That photo was meant to be!

10:08 PM

Jennie W. - Okay, maybe there is one person out there who still has a "Team Ricky" t-shirt....

10:23 PM
ginger said...

this is extremely accurate and hilarious. thank you for unveiling this mystery because as a normal mormon young adult i knew he was attractive to me but not why.

10:41 PM
MindySue said...

OH MY GOSH!!! 100% SPOT ON!!! I could not stop laughing!

11:25 PM
Anonymous said...

NOT spot on! From a big time Twihard- I believe everything you attribute to Edward being feminine comes from him being born in the early 1900's and to have had almost 100 years to get over being a stupid boy who can only think about 1 thing at a time to someone who has much more character than most men will have in their lifetime because it takes that long to gain it! and you forget that his mind can hold much more at once than a boy and that he would know exactly how a child thinks/acts because he has had again almost 100 years listening to their thoughts...

Just my thoughts. I will not be taking off my team Edward t-shirt anytime soon! :)

4:03 AM
K2 said...

So funny and so true. From a Twihard..I couldn't stop laughing. Especially the part about school is stupid and I want to light something on fire.

Priceless.

4:33 AM

Anonymous 4:03 A.M. - I figured that somebody would point out the fact that Edward is so refined, patient, and understanding because he is over 100 years old. I believe the opposite. I think men become crankier as they age. I know I sure have. Seriously, when is the last time that you heard a guy in his twenties say, "Turn that music down!", "Get off my property!" or "I'm taking this to the City Council!" Edward should be really testy about life because he has experienced so much and can no longer suffer fools.

The only reason that some men mellow out as they age is because they have to face their own mortality and they have grandkids. Edward has neither. Therefore, I think he should be the crankiest, moodiest person on earth, not the most understanding and caring.

4:42 AM
Sarah said...

That was freakin brilliant. And totally true.

5:15 AM
Anonymous said...

Your a bit wrong. Edward uses the context he does, because he was from an earlier century. He's mature; because he's not actually 17, he's over 80 years old.
In an earlier century, men didn't talk like garbage, and most men were actually caring towards women.

5:40 AM
Meredith said...

Hmmm...Maybe that's why I've always been Team Jacob: Edward is creepy, controlling, and womanly. And old. Apparently I like my men manly, hairy, and a bit young. And now I feel creepy.

5:55 AM

This was the funniest thing I have ever read! I couldn't stop laughing. Congrad's on your super sluth abilities!

6:10 AM
Anonymous said...

Normal Mormon Husband-
I need to lay out a correction for you.
" I think men become crankier as they age."
Edward does not "age". He is forever 17. Instead he has matured. Edward is so loved because he is not crude and he is not afraid to show the woman he loves how he feels. He also carries a wonderful danger factor, which in my experience always adds to the attraction.

6:13 AM
Anonymous said...

Basically that was retarded. Leave it to a fellow "Brother" to come up with some way to make himself feel better. Several people have been on the mark with their comments about the time period Edward grew up in as well as the many years he's had to listen and learn from others. You wouldn't want to put a religious spin on this would you "Brother"? How do you think God treats women? His wife? No, Edward isn't a God or even close, but there was SO MUCH symbolism in these books it was CRAZY! Maybe you should watch that Mel Gibson movie "What Women Want"-not too different from the whole Edward thing! If you could hear women's thoughts don't you think it would change you? (or everyone's in Edward's case)

A fellow "Sister"

6:21 AM
Amber said...

I'm gonna have to go with your original analysis of Edward, too possesive. Also, he's boring.

6:27 AM
Anonymous said...

omg that was the most amazing thing ever!! I am a Twihard & i couldnt stop laughing. When my girlfriends & I were reading the book one of them even said "ya know Edward sounds like a girl sometimes"lol. The words "gushing", "swirling" haha brillant! I have a brother & 10 boy cousins and I could never see anyone speaking like that lol. Then again Edward is one in a million :)

6:38 AM
Phoenix said...

Absolutely love Twilight, but that was hilarious!

6:42 AM

Thank you! I'll admit the books were entertaining and I enjoyed reading them, but they drive me crazy because of how unrealistic Edward and his relationship with Bella was.

6:45 AM
Alexandra said...

I love the Twilight books (and yes, Edward especially =P).
I don't get why people are getting offended over this, or feel the need to correct it as if marking an English essay!
I'm glad that some people still have a sense of humour out there =D

6:48 AM
Anonymous said...

Alright, Edward might sound like a girl to you (though I don't understand WHY to be exact, though I suppose that it must be some Y Chromosome thing where you're totally incapable of believing that men can be interested in anything besides sports and spicy, salty pork rinds (and those are pretty much your words, not mine).

But you can't compare Edward to men born in the current times because Edward was born in 1901. Yes, he's going to use the words "monologue" and such because he wasn't brought up in a time where people say "lol" or "brb" or whatever. You can't compare the two. It's like comparing the V12 Vanquish and the 599 GTB Fiorano to something like a Smart Car. It just doesn't work.

6:48 AM
Tiffany said...

I'm not gonna lie--these comments have made me laugh harder than the post (not that the post wasn't funny--because it was), but I've forgotten how worked up people get over these books. I love Edward (and its okay b/c my husband knows) and I love the books (Midnight Sun is actually my favorite...I think I may have resorted to praying that Stephenie Meyer finish it...but maybe I shouldn't admit that, right? ;) ). But I also know that Edward's not real. So, a humorous post like this doesn't make me defensive... I guess that's not true for all people.

Also I had to laugh because my husband (who has not read the books) read this post, then turned to me and asked: "Is this true? Does Edward talk like a woman?" I had to answer: "Of course not! He uses phrases like: 'Could a dead, frozen heart break? It felt like mine would.' .... 'Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.' Ahhh...I love Edward." And my husband turned to me and said, "Yeah, the NMH was spot on."

6:54 AM
Sandy said...

Oh my gosh, that was awesome! As one of the tiny minority of 30-something women NOT on Team-Edward (although I was a die-hard Team Ricker in 4th grade), I totally agree. And thanks - I needed a good laugh today!

6:59 AM
Karen_W said...

Ha, ha, ha, oh that is good! As a 30-something female Twilight fan, I hate to admit that you are at least partially correct, but I'm sure my husband would agree with you....

7:00 AM
Amy Darlene said...

could...not...stop...laughing

7:08 AM
Anonymous said...

I am howling with laughter; you nailed it, perfectly! Poof ... there goes the fantasy. You, sir, should be writing for a living. Very well done.

7:15 AM
Anonymous said...

I appreciate your analysis, but I bet to differ with your inference that Edward should be less literate and more interested in sports. There are many men out there who are not as enthralled in sports and guns as you may perceive. With regard to Edward’s intellect, I believe he gained that over the many years of his existence. After all, he cannot sleep, so he must do something to occupy his time. Through Edward's lengthy life experience, it has made him more mature, cultured, and patient. A man of his caliber would not use words like, "stupid" or "I farted".

7:27 AM
peter said...

First of all, they guy from Goonies is named Troy. Second, spot on. I've been reading another series about vampires and werewolves written by a female (Patricia Briggs) and come to the same conclusion. The things I don't like about the books are because the author doesn't get the manly parts right (fight scenes, action, etc.) from my male perspective. Third, as far as Edward being a better man because he's 100. Really?! 100 year old men didn't want women to vote. Or black people. Lastly, "ANDY, YOU GOOOOOONIEEEEE!!!!"

7:29 AM
Karen said...

I LOATHE and DESPISE Edward Cullen. He's possessive, obsessive and selfish. And so is Bella.

And I would TOTALLY have a Team Ricky t-shirt if I could find one!

7:31 AM
DeNae said...

I'm a bit curious as to who these rabid, ANONYMOUS Edward droolers are. C'mon out, guys! Admit it; you've got a Y-chrome in there. It's ok, I'm sure there's a support group out there with your name on it.

Everything you've said is completely true. I totally felt something bear witness when you talked about Edward farting in Bio class. Blast that Cafe Rio! Mimicking the spirit again!

7:41 AM
jgulia45 said...

Ok I kind of agree with what you are saying but you are forgetting that Edward was born in the early 1900's so the use of coloquial terms and speaking like he's from a different century is actually relevant and not weird. Think about how your grandpa talks and image even more old fashioned. He wouldn't stoop to speaking like a video game crazed teenager anymore than you would say "IDK MY BFF JILL" like on the cell phone commercial. Good article though, I think the mere fact that guys care enough to want to emulate Edward is refreshing!

7:51 AM
PamJorg said...

Long time blog-stalker, first time commenter here on your fabulous blog. Thanks for all your posts!

I think this one is GREAT! I needed a good laugh this morning! I am a waning Twi-hard...hated the movie but still love the books. BUT! I have never worn a "Team" anything shirt cuz I think that's silly. Thanks again!

7:53 AM
Anonymous said...

I find this to be such a gross oversimplification. What you describe are archaic, worn stereotypes, typical gendered thinking from someone who has probably never considered the differences between sex and gender. As a feminist and sexuality studies scholar, I find this to be both ignorant and offensive. Not every male is obsessed with sports, not every female is obsessed with shopping. Perhaps you should open your eyes to the rich, diverse world around you.

7:58 AM
MeLL said...

this is totally hilarious!!

Just wanna point out, Edward is born in 1901 and became a vampire in 1918.. i guess we can assume that people during that time use classic Shakespearean English, hence the word 'frivolous' and such...

still, a funny and interesting post..

7:58 AM
Anonymous said...

totally agree, he never appealed to me for some reason, Jacob always did :D

8:05 AM
Chris said...

You've hit on a larger point here that's probably worth exploring. I've often postulated that one of the primary reasons that chick flicks (and I suppose chick-lit) is unwatchable/unreadable to males is that there are rarely any true male characters in the story. At best, the males behave and think not the way that men think, but the way that women THINK they think or ASSUME they'd think. At worst, as is the case with Eddie, they behave just like a woman or the way that women WISH they would. In short, there's no one to identify with.

You've glossed over something entirely, though. Was this reading and research part of a morbid research project? What on Earth possessed you to subject yourself to all that Twilight anyway?

(To Anonymous at 5:40 AM, you're kidding yourself if you think that most men earlier in the 20th century were kind and compassionate towards women. I think there was that whole issue of rampant domestic abuse, not voting, and not having much social liberty beyond the ability to shop for their own dresses to deal with. But I digress....)

8:06 AM
Anonymous said...

O.K. that was so funny, I have never read your blog before, I am a twihard and love Edward, My husband is an avid Hunter and sports fanactic,I can never picture him speaking like Edward even though I wish he would act like him sometimes, but lets face it if all the men out there acted like Edward life would be boring, the things men do even though they may be disgusting and crude bring life to the marriage,thats why we have books to read so we can pretend that our husband are that way,There is not a man out there that can act like Edward it's not in there nature but it is fun to wish that our men could, I just hope that this lets men know that they dont need to change they just need to be a little more caring

8:16 AM
Chloe said...

Hahah. That's great.
Maybe so. . .

8:20 AM
Anonymous said...

Well, you definitely made some great points. The lines of what men would say are concurrent to what they would say these days. But you have to remember that Edward is from another time. He is from the early 1900’s and things were different back then. Men were more cordial and had more consideration for women.

8:34 AM
Anonymous said...

SO Funny! I love Midnight Sun, but I have said to my Twilight friend, "he's such a girl," in reference to him keeping Bella's lemonade cap...guys don't do that do they? I'm still totally Team Edward, and understand that he is a fictional character!

8:38 AM
Jared said...

Wow, some of these anonymous comments are both hilarious and painful. What was written as a humorous post about some novels is being taken as everything from an attack on Holy Writ to nothing more than sexist (and inaccurate) stereotyping, destroying all the progress feminists have pushed for over the past centuries.

Of course, the NMH is oversimplifying; it's called humor. Sure, there is an underlying message that can be gleaned from his post (e.g., maybe some more women need to just enjoy men as men and not try to turn them into women, although I think one of the great things feminists have done is helped men generally behave and think better towards and about women) but some people are taking his post way too seriously. :)

The NMH's analysis is correct - Edward does think and act like a woman (or, at least like the idealized androgynous modern male). However, the NMH is not saying that Edward should be more crass or "stupid", he was simply providing insight into why women like Edward so much. Okay, my over-analysis of comments is done.

8:50 AM
Anonymous said...

Edward is like 90, and born in 1901. Do you really think that they talked the same way back then as now?

8:50 AM
Tenilleo said...

I've been trying to explain this to my friends for months! You nailed it, awesome.

8:57 AM
elise said...

You are FREAKIN' HILARIOUS. My husband and I have both read all of the Twilight stuff. Sometimes to be funny he tries to act like Edward and it makes me uncomfortable. I think I prefer it when he acts like a normal, stinky, jerky-eating, one-syllable word using male. After all, that is what I married.

9:03 AM
Anonymous said...

Maybe, just MAYBE, his eloquence and patience and kindness has SOMETHING to do with the fact that he was born in the early 1900s, when men were expected to act somewhat civilized. When caring about others and not extremely idiotic and trivial things was expected. When farting in public was a shocking thing. Edward was frozen in his mindset of a 1900s seventeen year old. He may live through many decades, but he will never fully understand the mindset of men nowadays. And did you ever think it was possible that MAYBE guys are allowed to be interested in things OTHER than WWE, salty pork rinds, sports, and being idiots. AND, did you ever think that, while it might feel awkward for you, that SOME guys might find Edward attractive? Probably not.

9:04 AM
Anonymous said...

ok i have to admit this was pretty hilarious but still I disagree. I never though Edward would have feminine thoughts because in many ways he's a guy, like collecting cars. Men today are not born in the early 1900's so we can't expect them to act like Edward. For example, when you re-wrote how Edward should have said the lines in your examples for Midnight Sun, that's all stuff from this century and he's not like that. He doesn't have female thoughts, he's just a gentleman and guys aren't like that at this time. So when girls experience a bad breakup, they go to Edward for support (I've seen it happen).

still..hilarious, guys are so predictable

9:05 AM
Christa Jeanne said...

HILARIOUS post, as usual. Although I will second the opinion that Edward's so-called femininity is partially due to the fact that he's from the turn of the century, a more refined time. And you're definitely right about Edward being way too possessive. I mean, there's no way to glam up the outright creepiness of the way he watches her sleep!!! *shudder* I do love Edward and all, but, well, give me a jerky-loving manly man anyday. I'd much prefer to be the one wearing the skirt in the relationship!

9:15 AM
Anonymous said...

You are hilarious! I think you need to write your own vampire book from a girls prospective. Now wouldn't that be INTERESTING?! Thanks for the good laugh.

9:15 AM
Christa Jeanne said...

PS - I could launch into a whole tirade about how our society tries to feminize men (a la making Edward some feminized "ideal" in stark contrast to reality), but I'll spare you. ;)

9:21 AM
Jacquelyn said...

You've discounted that in the books the human Edward was obsessed with the war. Also, when he was a younger vampire he rejected being self sacrificing and diciplined to lead the life of a vigilante. Meaning that instead of faking it for a video game he really did it(as much as a fictional character can).

Edward is competitive(baseball and others won't play games with him because they lose), possessive, jealous, insists on driving,really into cars, always thinks he's right until he's forced to compromise or go along not liking it(Stuborn), likes sports(knew all the rosters of all baseball teams in the minors and majors to pinpoint down to a few who Bella's step dad was), loves to hunt, loves to eat salty animals(raw even), protective(sometimes over), likes to dedicate himself to something until he's perfected it(obsessive like you with call of duty), didn't want to be a dad, went catatonic when he found out he was going to be a dad and didn't accept it until close to the baby being born. I could go on, but all of the above fit men I've known and fit into the exact categories of your arguement for man-ness.

In your post you already defined the wwe as tiresome and predictable, so after 100 years or so I bet you wouldn't use it as a comparison either. Let's be honest if you never had to sleep and had a hundred years with no partner you would have mastered call of duty exceptionally quickly and would have moved on to something else.

You are right, human men can't multi task as well mentally as human women can. But, that leads back to the fictional fact a vampire uses more of their brain than the standard human. So, you would be right, vampire men do think more like women because they can think in several directions at once.

The use of the frilly and fancy language isn't used by many men or women today. Chalk that up to time period, not gender.

You have failed to properly put yourself in someone elses shoes and succeed in really asking yourself if I lived over a hundred years, never had to sleep, never had fallen in love, lived the majority of my life with no t.v./phone/internet/video games/highly organized sports leagues what would I be like? If you're primary source of entertainment and news was reading then you'd have a better vocabulary too.

Bodily odors? Men used to be gentlemen and didn't do things like that around the company of ladies. Either way, disgusting then and now. As for what men think to day of their mothers, that is chalked up to time period as well. And how roles of men and women have changed through the centuries.

I can see when you read it you say, "hey, I'm a guy and I would never talk like that or think like that therefore he thinks like a woman." But I'm a woman and Edward doesn't think like me or speak like me.


What should men learn from Edward? Sometimes they should focus on their mate. Edward appreciates Bella and what she brings to his life and it would be nice if guys could see what their women bring to their lives and appreciate what they do in that life more instead of being miffed when the games on and we want to spend time with you. Sometimes, it's nice when a man treats us like a lady by acting like a gentleman instead of clearing us out of a room with his body odors or other disgusting habits. Basically, every so often, it means the world to us when our mate considers us, appreciates us, wants to spend quality time with us, acts like a gentleman and really focuses to listen to our whole story instead of what he deems are the key points.


For the record: what am I thinking? "Wow, I'm debating a fictional character's masculinity...how bored am I? At least I've killed enough time to go whack more mobsters on Facebook's Mafia Wars now."

9:39 AM
Silkoverglass said...

WOW! I laughed so much! That was great. Sure I'm a Twilight fan, but you know what? Forget the first edition copy of Twilight signed by Stephenie Meyer, I want this article signed by NMH and pecked by that crazy chicken from your Breaking Dawn spoofs. After all, I heard that now you can buy Twilight DVDs with Edward’s teeth marks. Pluckie is also deserving of such fan base! Go TEAM PLUCKIE

9:43 AM
Nelson said...

Oh my, your post was incredibly funny and I've read all the comments and the laughs just kept coming. The funniest ones are the serious ones that are trying to defend a fictional character. I guess some people just have no sense of humor. Well now that I think about it, niether does Edward so I guess they are meant for each other.

To all of the people out there that think he talks that way because he was born in 1901 are crazy. I have some old grandparents (not quite as old as Edward) and I watched interviews with people that are over 100 years old and none, not a single one of them talk like Edward. Of course he isn't going to talk like we do but he would talk like the people that are over 100 years old and that is completely different.

Also, if Edward was able to listen to everyones thoughts for over 85 years then we would be the most depressed person in the world. People always (with capital "A") wear their best self on the outside. The inside is always worse then the outside. Now it may just be a little tiny bit worse and it might be a lot worse everyone is different. The point is that if Edward really could here everyones thoughts he would be so depressed about the things he heard. He'd need to spend his time being a super hero and saving people and not fawning over so completely immature, self absorbed and completely selfish girl.

Eveyone out there that wants to defend Edward don't bother. He is a fictional character and even if he wasn't then with his powers I think he could handle things himself.

NMH, keep up the great work.

9:49 AM
Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm a 30 something woman and I LOATHE Twilight.
Seriously, find something with better writing and less repetition before you begin to wax poetic on vampires. Why middle aged housewives swoon over this is beyond me. Perhaps because I'm very happy with my life and don't need to be swept away by a thinnly disguised Cinderellla fairytale where a helpless female needs rescuing by a man. I'll rescue myself, thanks. Encouraging infatuation and obsession in young girls isn't noteworthy imho.
Whew, now that I have that off my chest....
I agree. With all of it. And the argument that Edward was raised in more cultured times doesn't really work because back then women weren't considered worthy of attention beyond their domestic usefulness, much less heavy contemplation. So if anything he should have MORE aloof machismo, not less...
But I like sports, and food, and computers, so what do I know?

9:53 AM
Anonymous said...

HA ha! As one of the rare people out there who actually is disgusted with and can't stand Edward Cullen (Yes! I AM a teen girl!) I simply must read the rest of your blog.

9:57 AM
Melanee said...

HAHAHAheeheeheeHOHOha!!! Wow, that was funny. And I think it definitely explains why Edward resonates with so many women. Maybe some of these um, passionate comments are coming from people who haven't read your blog before and don't know how tongue-in-cheek it can be.

On an unrelated note, if you're a beginner gardener, you might want to check out Mel Bartholomew's book All New Square Foot Gardening. My husband and I are first-time gardeners and this method was recommended to us by lots of gardeners of a wide range of experience levels. We found it to be very doable and surprisingly intuitive. Good luck with your garden and thanks for sharing your sharp sense of humor.

10:02 AM
Anonymous said...

I appreciated what you said...because I am the rare woman who doesn't like Twilight! :O You said exactly what I think of Edward...he's creepy! I wouldn't want a guy that was like that...he seems very obsessed to me. Good job on the post! Made me laugh :)

10:04 AM
Ash said...

Hilarious! I can't stop laughing.

10:06 AM
Jolyn said...

Oh. My. Gosh. This is hilarious. This post had me laughing out loud.

10:10 AM
valpal said...

Edward thinks like a woman because he has lived a long time and has elvolved. Men take much longer to figure the world out where as women are born with wisdom, therefore Edward is the perfect man because he has figured things out.

10:19 AM
Lindsey said...
This comment has been removed by the author. 10:19 AM
Anonymous said...

haha so funny! As a true twi-hard and complete Team Edward member I've often wondered what makes Edward so great. I fianlly figured it out, he's both a gentleman and dangerous, he fulfills both things that women want. So I'm not sure if i'll admit you're right...at least not to anybody else (especially my husband)

10:20 AM
Amy D said...

While I can appreciate the humor of your findings, I think you have missed an important aspect of Edward. He was born in 1901, therefore he is going to speak in a manner that is more refined and use words that a majority of today’s male doesn’t. What Edward does to drive women to love a fictional character is this; he tells Bella that he loves her in his every action. He appreciates and does not take for granted. How many men out there, and women, forget that after a long courtship or years of marriage? How many times do we take for granted that we get to come home to the most perfect person for us, as if God specifically created that individual just for you. Edwards does not forget that for a second, and that is what draws women to him.

10:36 AM
Anonymous said...

too funny!! never thought about edward from this angle before. entirely believable. thanks for a laugh!

10:45 AM
Janan said...

Wow, I read IT ALL. I laughed, I mocked, I scorned, I cried. okay, I didn't cry, but what a funny post and what funny comments. For the record I love Twilight and Edward. I actually really like Jacob too, but just not for Bella. Anyroad...several comments have talked about how men 100 years ago were obviously pigs because of the lack of civil rights etc... SO 40 years ago everyone was racist? What a stupid concept.
I don't talk like Edward and neither does anyone I know(female or male) And I don't want my hubby to either! That is NOT what I love about Edward. Continue your quest NMH. You haven't quite got the answer yet.

And p.s.My own personal War Hero at home is the manliest man I know and he couldn't care less about sports.

10:51 AM
Anonymous said...

I found this absoultely hilarious and I really think you nailed it! Edward doesn't think like a typical man, and this is a HUGE part of his appeal.

However, I can't agree with your argument about the wording of his thoughts (gush, monologue). Not every man out there thinks strcitly in small words. In fact, several time in your post you used words that my football-crazed significant other wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole (i.e., substantiate, ramifications). So it goes to show that men with vocabulary skills do exist. And Edward has had 100+ years to fresh up on some frilly words.

In any case, this was a blast to read, and I thoroughly enjoyed the perspective. Thanks for writing!!

-a Team Edward fangirl

10:51 AM
Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I am sorry but I can't argee with all of this. I must say, men were very kind and suppose to respect women back in the 1900's thank you. I don't want a one word guy. That is all I get around here. Yes, I have to say yes over dramtic yes, controling BUT I would rather have Edward than any of today's "great guys". He is fictional and unless you are a fan I can't see you really figuring him out. Sorry but you can't. I am a screaming, 21 year old single mormon girl and the story just sings to me. There is more than just romance to this story or even Edward. I am sorry but as a twilighter and a English Teacher (well, soon) I can't go along with most of this.

10:57 AM
Anonymous said...

is really toughtfull and ingenious. He is absolutely right. We Twilighter are quite unfair with real man with no manners whatsoever

10:59 AM
Teri said...

"I want to light something on fire" ahahahahaha so funny. I think your arguments would be correct if Edward was truly 17 and raised in our century. But he is not a teenage boy and he was raised in a time of manners, eloquence, and respect so I think Stephanie's portrayal of Edward isn't quite as womanly as you suggest... he is just from a different time.

It's like when we get all jelly legged over a British accent.. the formality that comes with it is just irresistible.

11:07 AM
Amber Pederson said...

Hm... That actually seems accurate. But what about us Team Jacobers? :P

11:20 AM
Erika said...

Hahahaha! Awesome! I like the Twilight books, but I also like to laugh at things. :) Great job!

11:23 AM
Anonymous said...

Wow...this is one of those times where I am eternally grateful I married a man who doesn't define his manliness based on hunting, sports watching, and love of pork rinds. Apparently the men who fit into that description are the ones who just "don't get it" when it comes to the Twilight series.

My husband and I both read and enjoyed the Twilight series. After reading your rather funny post I now understand why. I think the manly rewrites are funny and TOTALLY accurate for a real 17 year old, or a 20, 30, or 40 something who scratches himself while sitting on the couch watching football. Edward is not actually 17 (duh!), is from a time very different from ours and has lived through the last 80+ years listening to everyone's thoughts around him. I'm sure all that and the fact he's been in school for decades would alter his vocabulary and perceptions. He has had time to grow up and mature in ways not normal for most men. Don't forget Stephenie Meyer grew up with three brothers and is now surrounded by her husband and three sons.

Here's some food for thought... There is a man who has always impressed me with his vocabulary, his thoughts shared in books and interviews, his love, devotion, respect for his wife, and who has always seemed an absolute gentleman. To me he always seemed to be a wonderful example of a man of a different time -- President Hinckley for all you LDS Husbands.

11:35 AM
Lily's Parents said...

HILARIOUS! Loved this post. I agree with Meredith who commented early on:
"Maybe that's why I've always been Team Jacob: Edward is creepy, controlling, and womanly. And old. Apparently I like my men manly, hairy, and a bit young. And now I feel creepy."

12:09 PM
Isa said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator. 12:11 PM

By far your funniest post!

I think you have more women reading your blog these days than men....so you should probably try to write more things that cater to our needs...Oprah is on a 4pm everyday...you have no excuses for lack of ideas of what to write about. :)

12:11 PM
Anonymous said...

i love twilight, but this was hilarious!!!!my husband would be like.... i know right!!??!!

12:27 PM
Stupid Shiny Volvo Driver said...

Thank you so much!!! I laughed till I cried and then showed it to my daughter who stood there trying unsuccessfully to refute everything you said... no worries.. she failed. Personally, anyone who knows me, knows that I refuse to choose between Edward, (who does have some redeeming qualities, be they feminine or not) and Jacob, who is portrayed a bit wiser than his 17 years, but still very much a masculine hot-blooded young man.

Another book you might like to read is "A New Dawn" (Borders exclusive) a collection of shorts by authors who did just as you did, tried to figure out why we (females) LOVE Edward Cullen. I found it extremely interesting, though not half as funny as your interpretations. The very first chapter deals with the fact that Edward could very easily be considered a sociopath!!

"...the dangerous Mr. Cullen displays six of seven personality traits common to sociopaths, and it only takes three to qualify."

Hmmm... well... I wouldn't want my daughters dating him!

But...for me, if I were forced to choose, backed into a corner, dagger pressed against my side as someone held "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" buttons in my face, I would choose Jacob. Sorry, Edward, but if I had to choose a vampire, he would be from another book.

12:27 PM
Anonymous said...

As a mid-30s LDS woman who loves Edward (in a fictional kind of way), I have to say that I don't find him at all feminine! I love the comment a few people above me that outlines all of his more masculine qualities. And FWIW, I don't particularly care for the company of other women and I'd much rather talk about fantasy sports than the most recent episode of The Bachelor. (And for the record the only Twilight swag I own is the books and the regular DVD.)

To those who scoff and say that even in the early 1900s no one would have spoken that way, consider the fact that in addition to being over 100 years old, Edward was also exceptionally well educated and brought up in an upper class family - both before and after becoming a vampire. Even today, you can frequently tell the difference in a person's background based on their vocabulary and speech patterns. I've often been accused of being a snob or using "literary language" because of my background and the fact that I have multiple college degrees.

I do appreciate the humor in the original post and recognize that it's pretty ridiculous to get super involved in a fictional story, but at the same time I found it to be a vast oversimplification, highly stereotypical and perhaps a tad offensive to 30-something women. Heaven forbid any of us should be appreciative of the type of man who doesn't spend 95% of his time grunting, farting and watching football or playing Call of Duty. Consider the fact that maybe THAT is part of the reason we like the idea of Edward so much ;)

P.S. I think it's kind of funny that so many people dislike Edward's behavior towards Bella and pick Jacob's side, but I can't stand Jacob because, no matter how much she tells him how she feels and that she only wants to be friends, he continually disregards her feelings, tries to force her to accept his affection and disparages Edward as often as possible. What a jerk!

1:17 PM
Maren Hansen said...

So awesome-my hubby read Twilight to figure out what all the fuss was and said the same thing.... Love your rewrite.

1:18 PM
Anonymous said...

You have a good point to a degree. But, you're forgetting that Edward was born at the beginning of the 20th century. Men DID talk like that back then.

2:14 PM
Jessica said...

This was Hilarious...So True!!! Still I think all men should take a hint, women love men that will talk and listen to them, a man who is in touch with his one and only woman and lastly a man that puts aside the farting and belching for a smell free night now and then ;o)

2:22 PM

Haha! I found your blog from a link off a Twilight fansite a while back and have enjoyed your perspective on the books. (And everything else, for that matter.) My husband (who read the books for my sake) is laughing his head off at your post right now. I am a huge Twilight fan but it's nice to be able to laugh at yourself. I totally agree with Tiffany (6:54 AM). The comments some people are making are hilarious. Take a deep breath, everyone. Haha!

2:22 PM
Anonymous said...

Oh, And Stephenie Meyer's version of vampires cannot fart... They don't have proper digestive systems, they don't go to the bathroom, the only bodily fluid they contain is venom... they are so not normal.

2:24 PM
Anonymous said...

Pretty good stuff. You make interesting and funny points. It would be AWESOME to hear Edward say stuff like an actual boy. But he was born in a time when they spoke like that and he is highly educated with a large vocabulary. the part about him eating Bella was great!

2:29 PM
Anonymous said...

gotta say about all the twihards...


you're sounding a lot like trekkies...


it's fiction, in case you've forgotten.

2:41 PM
Anonymous said...

ROFL. *cute*.. seriously..

Of course Edward to some extent ... thinks like a woman. Well not so much that he thinks like a woman but he understands women. Or at the very least is not your crass stereotypical guy.

It's almost sexist (laughing here at a guy being sexist towards other guys) to claim that all guys are beefheaded numbskulls though. I admit your stereotypes are not too far off for most males from my experience, but cut men some slack. Some of you don't fit that mold you propose there. My husband for one never uses sports references. But I don't doubt he'd agree with you on the 'farting' comment, and the thought that 'real men' would never use such eloquent terms.

When challenging Stephenie Meyer's ability to 'think like a man' i invite you to consider the character of Emmett who's a challenge loving, rough and tumble, sportloving guy who makes crude jokes constantly. Is he so far off the mark? I dont think it's that she doesn't have the ability to think like a guy, I just think she wanted Edward to be different. Emmett has his fans,to be sure.. but Edward .. is well loved for good reason.

Consider though.....I don't know too many of us who have 'interviewed' and know the interworkings of the mind of any 104 year old man, who never sleeps, and was raised in a bygone era by parents who rested importance on a man being chivalrous.

Who's to say a man that mature, with the proper upbringing might not speak eloquently.. and think more of sensitive subjects rather than relating everything to sports?? It's not like he's offering to frenchbraid Bella's hair for god's sakes. He wants to eat her and make out with her. He's not THAT girly.

Your satire was amusing though. But I pose one final thought for all of you men. If 60% or so of all women would give a limb to have a man like Edward, maybe you men should be making yourselves more like Edward instead of trying to make him more like you??????? ?????
(not a blogger so i'm anonymous not that i'm scared to show my name Andi btw)

2:41 PM
Anonymous said...

ur just a fag
ur one of those guys that sits with the boys in lunch and thinks his all tuff and that wrestling is life
well those kind of "men" arent men

real men whould prefer to talk to women woulent they?unless his gay right?

well then


UR ALL WRONG!

3:02 PM
Anonymous said...

He was born in 1901 you idiot. Just because he can form a proper and complex sentence does not mean he's female. Also, "I farted", Is really dumb, did you read the book? You do know that Edward smelled her BLOOD, nothing coming from him, considering he is a vampire and is completley incapable of doing that. Edward is one of the most caring individuals and most women are attracted to him because he is not afraid to show the woman he loves how he feels, unlike many current men today. He is completley in love with Bella and she knows she can trust him with her life, he is sweet and understanding and would do anythign for her. Plus, the fact that he also has the dangerous appeal with being a vampire, he makes himself that much more sexy.

3:20 PM
heidizinha said...

my first time to your blog--

you're hilarious, but your overly passionate edward supporting readers are even more hilarious.

you'd think these people were defending their own father....

he's FAKE, people!

3:37 PM
Anonymous said...

Hmm...not sure your logic works. Stephenie doesn't understand how a man would think because she's a woman. You assert that Edward thinks like a woman, but how can you know how a woman thinks if you're a man? Now, if one of you is a hermaphrodite, I'm all ears...

4:02 PM
Liz said...

You hit the nail on the head! I'm 30'ish, a Twihard, and almost fell out of my seat laughing.
For all of Edward's defenders, Bless your hearts, but he's fake and was created by a woman. Get a grip, really!

4:07 PM
Ashleigh Lex said...

Funny but edwards wasn't born in the last 20 or so years. He was from 1901 so of course he's going to think differently to what you seem to think males all think about and his vocabulary would be different too.

4:07 PM
Quixotic Healer said...

Lol, Henry Higgins is rolling in his grave!

(And if you know who that is, your wife is a lucky lady and can't expect you to be anymore like a thirty year old woman)

4:14 PM
cheet said...

This is a total incident of stereotyping the average straight male up to about the age of 30 - and of course this is the reason it makes one laugh his or her ass off. Two things to take note of, however:

First, you have to keep in mind that while Edward looks like a 17 year old guy, he is actually about 110 years old. His "coming of age" experiences took place in the early 1900's when men in civilized regions actually did have a very distinguished manner and spoke quite eloquently.

Second, there are still men today that are in their late teens who speak and think as Edward does. I was one of them when I was that age. So with that in mind I submit that if Edward truly existed with all the information available attributed to his real life existence, Edward would clearly be a homosexual male.

4:16 PM
Jana said...

Ha Ha... Man I am amazed at how many "Twihards" don't read ANY of the previous comments and say the same thing about Edward being from the 1900s... yeah we gotcha.

I love twilight as much as the next desperate house wife... But man people, have some sense of humor.

If Edward is too much like a woman for you... maybe you should check out pocket edward. He seems manly enough.

4:37 PM
Anonymous said...

women do produce testosterone, just not in the same amount as men...

4:41 PM
Anonymous said...

Did you even pause to consider the time period Edward was born into? Males in that time were that educated and used that kind of vocabulary. just because you adopted the distorted English of today doesn't mean it was always like that. Also, Edward has had about a century to read more books than you possibly have ever imagined exist in the world, so he can use advanced vocabulary. He just happens to have born and grow up at a time when men had a more thoughts about the world around them than just sex, wrestling and football.

4:47 PM
Anonymous said...

That was seriously the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Especially the part about the farting. I still love Edward though.

5:14 PM
Katie said...

lol...this is truly hilarous...and I honestly have to sorta agree...except for a few points, including that Edward isn't an average male, he's a 100 year old vampire, who's kind, polite, loving, and truly cares about Bella. Mostly, because he isn't obsessed with sports and all that stuff.

5:28 PM
Anonymous said...

Wow you don't know how dead wrong you are. It a 17 year old boy said that now, I would agree with you. And the biology comment was funny, but thats a normal boy, who probably had the attention span of a 4 year old. But Edward isn't like that and you fail to see that. He was raised to have a respect for women and to be smart. Back then, boys weren't pigs. He also had a little more than 80 years without sleep or a girlfriend, giving him plenty of time to lears, to get a better vocabulary, and he has a photographic memory so he won't forget the meaning of the words, so why not use them. He also reads minds and has the room in his brain to think about many things at once.
You will never understand Edward, and honestly thats okay. No one said you had to or even expects you to. But there is no need to go around on your website bashing him, Stephenie, and Twilight in general.
I am a Twi-hard, but I think even someone who hasn't read the books would agree that you are just being rude.

5:32 PM
Anonymous said...

completely brilliant haha.
i laughed so hard, and love this, but i think it has more to do with the time period he was born in. my dad's pretty old and he would never think "i hate this, i want to go burn stuff" and i attribute that to the fact that he was born in a time period where it was okay to be in touch with your feminine side, and people spoke with more eloquence.

that was too long, but i had to put my two cents in :]
still hilarious!

7:01 PM
Anonymous said...

Ok, I agree that you are right about the "girl talking thing" I don't agree that you push a fictional vampire in with all normal men. Edward voices like a girl because, he is in love with one. I bet if anyone here has ever loved and respected a woman as much as Edward loves Bella in the books, you would agree. But, because apparently no one here is capable of that, he is not a normal man.
P.S. he cant fart

7:19 PM
Anonymous said...

thanks a lot, NMH. now whenever i read that line, all i will think about is a fart.

i havent laughed that hard in a while! thanks. :P

7:33 PM
Ang said...

Oh, my dear brother, I'm having a great time with these comments. It's made for an entertaining, if slightly unnerving, evening of reading. Do you think you might need to enter the Twilight Spoofer Protection program? Some of the anonymous commenters seem to have revenge in their blood. (Hmm, what *does* revenge in the blood smell like, exactly? I bet some of them could tell me. Bologna? Burnt marshmallows? :-).

I am relieved to have learned from several comment makers, however, that Edward cannot, in fact, fart. Swoon!!!

7:43 PM
Gabbie said...

*Picks up pitchfork & burning torch and maps leading to home and leaves angry, life-threatening comment*

7:56 PM
Anonymous said...

Lol

He couldn't talk like that because he was born in 1901 and was raised in that time period where they talked like that, that would be an insane idea!

8:08 PM
TeamEdward said...

This is the stupidest thing I have ever read. Think you actually figured out Edward Cullen? Think again. Seriously waste of my time. As a proud Team Edward member I agree with those people above me saying how Edward had a century's worth of experience, and stuff like that. This is lame. Edward feminine? Give me a break.

8:17 PM
Anonymous said...

nice one!!!

8:28 PM
BeeMichelle said...

insightful, well thought out- but wrong. Edward is old fashioned, and a gentleman (he's not actually/originally from the 21st century) and therefore makes references and speaks in a way that is vastly different from today's male population.

9:19 PM
Grace said...

Just some thoughts...
Edward would use his extensive vocab not only because he is from the early 20 century, but because he has read often and has a perfect memory that can come up with the much more descriptive words of the past. Reading does tend to broaden vocab (at least for me...).
Also, Stephenie Meyer does have testosterone. All women have it, but not at such high levels as men.
Lastly, Edward IS a fictional character and though I do like the books I don't believe I or many other fans would really want a guy with all of his characteristics.
So lets call this pointless argument an impasse and get on with our lives.

9:35 PM
Anonymous said...

While I agree that Edward's vocab, etc. is partially based on his age, education, perception, mind reading abilities, yada yada, I laughed so hard at the "I farted" comment that I almost peed myself. That said, I am a FEMALE, a TWIHARD, and of course in love with Edward. HOWEVER, I have four brothers, MUCH prefer the company of men in social settings, but do NOT want my man to say things like "quench" or "gush." You are forgetting all the times when Edward crushes things, imagines backhanding Mike, or snarls and growls. THAT'S what makes us hot for his body, bud.

10:06 PM
Anonymous said...

Funny. Really.

Actually, the attraction is not complex.

Edward loves and desires Bella and, occasional murderous thoughts and poor decisions aside (who among us is not guilty of those?), persists in making Bella feel loved.

I would think that understanding that would be non gender specific.

12:02 AM
Anonymous said...

Having read all 4 books & Midnight Sun, I would have to concur with NMH about Edward being a man trapped in a women’s mind. I read the arguments both for and against this view and find them wanting. The “Y” heterosexual chromosome has very specific tendencies. Even when viewed from the late Victorian to WWI male point of view. The verbiage used maybe from that era but the fact that it is supposed to be coming from a man is out of line (see Teddy Roosevelt’s Speeches for a taste of Male diction of that era). We men can have whole conversations that fail to utter a single intelligible word. This fact has not change since the dawn of time ladies.

I do respect that the ladies need some escapism and a fantasy that this male might exist but he is not likely to me heterosexual. That’s why some ladies have their gay friend to talk, “umm, shop with.” It is rather funny to hear these conversations to a point. IMHO, Edward does have some rather good qualities that I guess could be taught to the “Y” chromosome (Why am I reminded of the Red Green Show mantra). “I’m a man, and I can change, if I have to.” Good luck with this ladies.

12:26 AM
Anonymous said...

I think a lot of his thought process stems not only from the age in which he was born (before Call of Duty. Or at least, the video game...) as well as the fact that his brain works differently as a vampire. He can multi-task. Which is, in truth a task women are much better at than men. But this is just a trait of vampires, not a train of men or women. When you can think about 10 different things at once, its a lot easier to come up with cleaver turns of phrases like children with shiny toys :)
I think your women argument would be best served by the vampiric ability (at least in these books) to multi-task. Otherwise, a lot of it can be attributed to an excessively intelligent mind being trapped in the tedium of high school as well as being awake 24/7/365.

12:39 AM
Francine said...

of course stephenie meyer can't completely get the mind of a man right but i think that you over exaggerated a bit i mean did you forget that he is not from our time and men from 100 years did talk and think like idiots like they do now and also he is not a human man; he's a mind reading vampire that has lived for 108 years of course he's gonna be nothing like other guys. i have to admit there are some things that he says and thinks that don't fit what a man would do but not as much as the stuff that you described.

12:47 AM
Sam_Gam said...

I'm a 26 yr old woman and like many women out there, I love Edward's character. I must say though, your post had me laughing.
You might be on to something here ;)

I think some people commenting are taking this too seriously.

Lighten up people! He's not insulting your mum!

3:10 AM
Anonymous said...

The reason why I don't agree with you is because Edward is not a man from these times. He is a man from the 1900's and they used fancy words and didn't talk about sports the way guys do today. So men now can't relate to Edward because he is not from there time. Granted though, some of the way it was written was def the way a woman would want the man to talk.

6:03 AM
Jillian said...

I'd have to say that while this was entertaining it was viewed from a typical man perspective. Edward was born in 1901 which would definitely mean he was more refined. Further more, because he has seen so many different trends and changes in society so hed adapt a very diverse outlook on things.
And then again Mrs. Meyer does have a very manly man character....
Hello! Emmett anyone? So she is capable of narrating like a bruting, masculine character. It just happens Edward is more well rounded and literate ;)

6:32 AM
-.- said...

I have to agree with a fellow poster that said that the post are funnier than the post itself...

I am as twihard as they get, I can't stop laughing!!! I think the girls who have posted something about the Y chromosome is hilarious, who would know better what guys act and think like, more than a guy!?

The entire post is funny as can get! I'm sooo following you now!

I can't believe my perfect Edward is actually a 30 year old woman!!!

7:03 AM
Anonymous said...

When Stephanie comes out with a statement that Edward and Bella get divorced after 6 1/2 years of marriage are all the Twihards going to disown her the way many Harry Potter fans did when JK said Dumbledore was gay?

These comments are hilarious

7:41 AM
Anonymous said...

Wow. I'm utterly devestated. You've completely destroyed all my delusions regarding men. I would go off on a tangent about how wrong you are and try to justify my subjective views on a work of fiction, but it would seem the same boring arguments have been made over and over again.
*yawn*

By the way, as a 30 year old housewife who enjoyed the Twilight series (even if I didn't obsess over it), your post was truly hilarious.
-Melanie

8:59 AM

Did you forget that Edward grew up in another time, when guys actually spoke and thought like that? lol.

9:19 AM
Anonymous said...

I know Edward is a fictional character, but anyway. Remember that Edward have lived for 100 years and probably have a better vocabulary than the average man these days. Also, he's not interested in sports, video games etc. But I do understand your points fairly well. But I'd like to suggest another way the first example could have been written. (I think this one fits much better to Edward's character because he simply loves fast cars:D)

"The excitement over her arrival was tiresome and predictable – like if someone drove a Ferrari F430 in our town"

And if you didn't know, Ferrari F430 is Bella's after car. :D

9:40 AM
Anonymous said...

As a fan of the Twilight Saga and a member of "Team Edward", I don't think Mr. Cullen's a total girl, but he definitely says and thinks things that would never come out of my husband's mouth or pass through his mind, even if he had been born in the early 1900s!

As for what some other people have written, I didn't have a chance to read all the comments, but I just wish that those who were upset by this post could focus more on the humor of what was written and not try to pick it apart. Personally, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to write this... It was hilarious! I'm writing from my college library and it was extremely difficult not to laugh out loud, especially when you talked about lighting things on fire... :)

12:24 PM
Mahonri said...

Okay, as a man nearing thirty and as a reader of the books, although the tongue in cheek is kind of funny, it was also mildly offensive. I hope you're simply kidding when you say that you think that all men (even ones who have lived for a hundred years and born in a previous period)talk and think like morons and have to vocabulary of adolescents. We could learn a few things from that kind of sensitivity, if not the same kind of possessiveness (which he relents throughout the books).

Big fan of Meyer as a person even more than a fan of her work (which I do like very much). She's humble... shy even. Also met her husband Pancho briefly... seems like a caring, good man, who is now a stay at home dad. Not the same godly, physical attractiveness as Edward (who is?)... but the same inner beauty. Maybe that's where Meyer picked it up from.

2:43 PM
Anonymous said...

I am a girl, and I have never seen the fascination with Edward. I read the books. Edward was a controlling creep. Also, boring.

2:45 PM
Annie Japannie said...

I've always been intrigued by the women who can read Twilight and come away with the impression that Edward is kind, loving and chivalrous. Your characterization of him being violent, controlling and abusive is a bit more accurate.

And we sell this stuff to our teenage daughters and teach them that it's the ideal of love.

Edward doesn't behave like a real man at all. This is partially because Stephenie Meyer is a woman and mostly because Stephenie Meyer is not a good writer.

2:57 PM
Beth said...

I think you've got it right. I am married to a REAL man, and Edward is nothing like him. That's probably why I never saw Edward's appeal. Once you've had the real think it's impossible to go back to an imitation.

I have issues with Meyers' ideas about love and relationships in general, because the relationships in her books are totally stupid. It makes me wonder about her personal life, if she thinks that a pushy, overbearing man like Edward is sexy.

4:28 PM
Amanda said...

uhmm... the fact he uses such different language that you may call a bit much for any guy now is because he just so happens to be from the 1900s not this time!

6:22 PM
Anonymous said...

If you believe somebody born in 1902 is more refined and mature than men are today your crazy and in la la land great post NMH best ever you nailed men on the head and my grandpa was born in 1906 he was still a male and a man not a sissy girl. he knew how to be polite but he new how to be tough and to laugh and tell a good joke
as brad paisley sings "IM still a guy"

7:47 PM
Katie said...

I would also just like to suggest that a man born in the early 1900s may have been superficially more chivalrous to a woman, but certainly would not have been more respectful. If you actually read literature that was written in the 1900s, instead of just romance novels set in the 1900s that were only written a few years ago, then you get a much better picture of the way women were treated. The early 1900s are an especially BAD time for the treatment of women, as it was the Victorian era, when women were treated like mindless fragile property. I'm not saying all men in the time period were viscious brutes, but it is an even bigger mistake to explain away Edward's femininity because he was born in the Victorian Era. It was largely the excessively harsh treatment of women in the Victorian Era that lead to the modern women's liberation movement.

BTW, loved the post. I also love Twilight, although it is something of a guilty pleasure.

9:03 PM
scott said...

My 12-year-old daughter calls them Twitards.

9:10 PM
Anonymous said...

You absolutely nailed it with the fantasy football and salted meat! I loved it and could help but find myself laughing because this is what runs through my mind in the situations! Best post I have read for a LONG time!

9:14 PM
Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for making me laugh out loud today! :) That was great!

11:25 PM
Brenda said...

If Edward is eternally 17 then that makes him eternally retarded, as most teenagers are, let's face it.
NMH his it spot on! Edward is not real (gasp!) and a figment of a female imagination. And what is with all these Anonymous comments? Stand by your thoughts, people. Don't be ashamed.

3:44 AM
Erin said...

Thank you for finally letting me know what the obsession was about!!!!! I HATE Edward, and probably use that strong of a word just because women drool over this unrealistic and creepy character the way they do. I would take Jacob any day, but then again I guess he is more like real men - gets grouchy sometimes, sweats profusely, has a hair problem, but still can have these sweet moments...wait, that makes me sound like I actually give a monkey's patooty about characters in a book! So many people are stuck defending the turn of the century "language" issue, but they're missing the point! Just because a parrot has a reason for knowing how to meow doesn't make it a cat!

7:14 AM
Amanda said...

Swirling scent......hehe

10:02 AM

Some people are born to destroy sports franchises (See Isaiah Thomas)
Your legacy will always be Twilight. You should at least send Stephanie Meyer a Christmas card for inspiring some great Twilight posts from NMH.
"The mom's going to kill me" line made me laugh out loud.
Point is: I want to be like you when I grow up.

12:20 PM
Alyssa said...

Ok I didn't take the time to read all 135 posts, but after a quick browse it seems like there are others who agree with me that Edward is different because he's been around for such a long time, and was raised in, say, a gentler era. After about 100 years he's bound to learn something about the opposite sex. That being said, this post is hilarious :)

2:27 PM

Ok I had to weigh in here. I bought the first Twilight book like 5 weeks ago I think I managed to read maybe 3 chapters. I just could not get into it. I Had to laugh you are probably right. But I guess I must be one of the few women out there that didn't manage to go gaga for Edward. Thanks for your insights...

3:16 PM
Leticia said...

it's TOTALLY WRONG

4:59 PM
Jill said...

I've been telling my husband that Edward thinks like a woman for years!! Now maybe he'll believe me.

5:37 PM
Ben Smith said...

Women are dumb. This feminist crap has precipitated a great rift in humanity. It's a selfish movement, and while it might have it's place when applied correctly, it is never applied correctly when labeled "feminism". It's lead to the androgynous state of our youth, the perpetuation of homosexuality and it's acceptance, and other social atrocities my under refined mind could even begin to fathom. After all, I've only been around a quarter century, I couldn't understand history. I may be an insomniac, but I spend my sleepless hours watching late night TV, thus depriving myself of such refinement. So here's the sum of it. NMH, you are awesome, bro! I found your post to be entertaining and enlightening. Thanks, man. You made my day.

7:07 PM
Ben Smith said...

PS

I think it is hilarious when a woman tells a man he is wrong when he says a woman was wrong about what a man would think. How would a woman know better what a man would think?

7:31 PM
Rachel said...

pure. genius.

11:22 AM
Pappy Yokum said...

Definitely one of your top ten posts! I loved it and even though I haven't read the books, from what I have heard, I always thought that Edward was also too much like a woman. And for those who have commented that men back in the early 1900s spoke better and treated women better, I'll say you are right about speech but not necessarily about treating women so well. If that were the case, then why did so many women want to change the way they were treated and thus woman's lib cam about?

11:38 AM
Kara said...

Even though I am a big fan I thought that was so funny! Lol seriously good stuff:) I am a first time reader and will definitely come back for more!

5:45 PM
allie said...

I am weeping with laughter, both at the intentional humor in the original post and the unintentional humor in many of the comments. I think my favorite is the assertion that people alive in 1918 spoke "classic Shakespearean English, hence the word frivolous."

So awesome.

9:26 PM
Chellers said...

I'm totally Team Ricky, from early adolescence on. Especially now that he is a "normal mormon husband" too!

10:21 AM
bethany said...

Why are fart jokes still so funny? Great post and I loved all the comments, especially the one talking about the traits of vampires. "It's just how vampires are. . ." Loved it. You know, there is only one male character in all of her books (including the Host) that I could actually respect and it was Carlisle. All of the rest of them are insanely self-centered and controlling or completely flat. Carlisle actually uses his "superpowers" for good. Why is Edward going to high school for the 20th time when he should be out there rescuing kidnapped kids and saving victims of potential crime? He can freaking read minds. The fact that he had done that and then quit just because he happened to be eating the bad guys showed how self-centered he really is, just like a classic teenager, despite the 100 years he's had to mature and develop an extensive vocabulary. But since he doesn't really exist, I have to give him the benefit of doing whatever he wants with his life. Love you NMH!

3:02 PM
bethany said...

P.S. Just because he is on an all liquid diet doesn't mean he can't fart. Any of y'all every been around babies? =]

3:17 PM
Laura said...

i think thats totally true. and so funny!
i kinda like Edward, but i really love Jacob.
i dont think stephanie could not have made a more realistic Edward, cause she wrote as Jacob who was pretty normal and i think he really sounded like a 16-year-old boy.
i guess she just wanted to make Edward more caring and woman ARE more caring so thats why he sounds, thinks and talks like a woman.
sorry for my bad english cause im from Brazil
Team Jacob/Taylor all the way :)

5:07 PM
mandy_moo said...

This post was flippin hilarious, but I also have to agree that it is because he came from a more refined time. However, even though he is "perfect" I'm not sure how he could go that many years continuing to be so "old-fashioned" in his ways. I mean, can he really be that good at being in the world and not OF it?

10:47 PM
mandy_moo said...

LOL also, I love how all the defensive, argumentative, angry people are ANONYMOUS

10:52 PM
CecĂ­lia said...

This post is very ridiculous!!!

11:02 AM
jaysbunny said...

Women love Edward because he is the female equivalent of porn: he meets all of Bella's desires and never asks for her to meet any of his wants or needs (except allowing him to rescue her more). Men's porn- bad. Women's porn- art! Do I sense a double standard?

P.S. I respect anonymous' opinion but as she has probably never met anyone who was born in 1901 I can't accept that argument as valid. Men are men whether they were born in 1901 or 1981!

8:35 PM
Sheena said...

That was pretty good, I never really thought of it like that. Maybe I should become a lesbian, lol. (I'm sure my husband would enjoy that fantasy, lol)

2:00 PM
Chelsea said...

I LOVE the Twilight books!!! I think this post was hilarious! Keep up the good work. And to all of you who were offended by this post~ get over it and stop taking everything SO seriously!!!

3:01 PM
Jules said...

I'm a Twihard and this gave me a good laugh, WELL DONE!!
I would like to read more Edward thoughts put in "real men" thoughts!
What makes this even more classic is that I've NEVER seen this many comments on a blog!!

1:21 PM
Anonymous said...

okay. would like to point out the flaws in your argument. Yes this was written by a woman, that does not make Edward feminine it makes it a good story. Edward is a 110 years old! he will behave and talk like those lovely men from that time and not like the sleazy men and teenagers of today.

so hope that cleared it up to you simple man!

2:12 AM
JustMe said...

LOVED, LOVED, LOVED IT! Even more, I enjoyed reading the comments. Though, I must say, I thought a lot of the comments were made by idiots.

Obviously Edward has some body fluids because that baby came from something. :-)

I thought the books were a fun read the first time. Totally cannot understand my 65-year-old acquaintance that has been to see the movie 10 times. I find that creepy, rather like a lot of the comments.

Give me Rhett Butler any day of the week and twice on Sunday. I like my men hot blooded.

12:55 PM
Ben Smith said...

Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini? If I could stack up in comparison to those "lovely men" born around the turn of the century. Of course all those men were born a few years before 1901, so I guess I should say I wish I were born during that one magical year when men weren't flawed.?

1:17 PM
Ben Smith said...

Let's try again. Al Capone? No, that's 1899. Carlo Gambino? No, 1902. Frank Costello? Nope, still too early. I do wish I had that kind of pinache. John Christie? I know he was real nice to women. But again, he was born in 1899.
But then so was Ernest Hemingway. And hey, he was a great writer. Lots of flamboyant language in his works. Yeah, I'm not sure I know of too many people born in 1901.
Oh! I just thought of one! Chuck Taylor! He was born in 1901. He's the model for refinement. Not a modern "sleazy" man's man at all.
That settles it. We "modern" men have a lot to learn from our turn of the century ancestors. I should study up on that a little bit more.

1:57 PM

I totally agree with you that Edward is posessive and controlling but he does it in such irresistable way!
I almost peed my pants I laughed so hard at this post.
I am thinking Edward talks the way he does because of education not age and not the kind of education you get just from books.

10:08 AM
David said...

I'm a 38 year old father of four children and the husband of a lovely wife for over 14 years. So my voice comes from a position of experience tempered with hindsight. Therefore, the following statement is grounded in infallible accuracy...

"Slim Jims" totally rock man!

1:51 PM
David said...
This comment has been removed by the author. 1:52 PM
Leann said...

hehehe... I love it. Makes me feel even more justified in my opinion of the book... it is a fun fiction novel! No man will ever be like Edward! (and perhaps that is a good thing, because there are already too many emotional, hormonal women!)

3:50 PM
mabsmith said...

I'm a huge fan of Twilight and will always be 'Team Edward,' but that was brilliant. Good job! I love reading your Twilight rants =D

10:03 AM
Anonymous said...

I have to say I did find this hilarious and agree with it completely in the sense that Edward is "in touch with his inner 30-something woman" I will say in Edward's (and Stephanie's) defense that because most of us are married to or are dating the "normal" man, we need an Edward to escape to when we're sick of waiting for the double-over-time basketball game to end.

6:11 PM
Lalis said...

A twilight fan myself, I must say, you're so right! Ha... I love it! Seriously speaking, if I had any young daughters I'm not so sure I'd want them reading the books 'cause they create a completely unrealistic expectation of men. Too bad you guys aren't that awesome ;)

10:51 AM
Anonymous said...

LOL love it! very funny and very accurate! being a teen girl, i never fell for edward (yes i am sane...ish) but remember edward is 108 years old (from yesterday) so he would use some "oldie" words. but still NICE keep it up!

5:50 AM
Anonymous said...

:D You're an awesome person.

I don't like Twilight in the slightest. Along with many folks at Twilightsucks.com, you made it hilarious to hate Twilight. MY friend told Edward is "soooo hawt" but I couldn't figure it out. Nice job on figuring out a Twilight fan's logic!

(Don't like Oprah either. I also have a love for salty, dead animals.)

6:59 AM
The Boob Nazi said...

Oh my gosh. This was awesome.

6:11 PM
Anonymous said...

*snicker*

I'm a 30-something woman and can't stand Edward. Or Bella. He's a possessive control freak, and she's a whiny baby. And their relationship is extremely unhealthy.

I was rooting for Jacob. Then I realized he's too good for her. *snort*

this post just made my day.

7:58 PM
Anonymous said...

Omg this made me crack up laughing.Not that i dont like the twilight series and stuff but still.He thinks like a girl!!!Ahh funny.My fav parts were.
What a Man Would Say: "I'm totally eating Bella. My mom is gonna kill me!"
What a Man Would Say: "I went to my boring biology class. Mr. Banner is stupid. I hate school. I want to light something on fire."
What a Man Would Say:Jessica's thoughts sounded like this - 'blah blah blah Mike blah blah blah Eric blah blah Bella blah blah...'"
omg that is just funny stuff right there.Yes it is.

12:57 PM
Barbaloot said...

I realize that this post was written quite some time ago, so I'm not certain you'll read my comment, but just have 3 things to say:
1. Minor correction; Ricky has "changed" his name to Rick. Apparently it makes peole take him more seriously?
2. I was definitely eating jerky while I read this.
3. As the only girl in a family of 12 kids I laughed out loud at "I hate school. I want to light something on fire." I can't think of anything that would better describe my own brothers.

2:50 PM
John said...

Why is it that all of the dissenting comments were posted anonymously?

3:26 PM
Renny said...

Ha, love this! I absolutely detest Twilight, you're right, Edward is creepy and controlling. Apparently I think like a man...(maybe thats why I'm still single, maybe I do need an Edward so someone in our relationship can think like a woman.) those books are crap, that woman can't write. Loved this. Loved some anonymous posts defending this as "Edward was born in the 1900s." Um, he isn't real guys, sorry.

2:27 PM
Kieran said...

I agree with Tiffany, the posts make this so much better. i'm seriously laughing my butt off reading this.

11:34 AM
Sarah said...

First of all, let me just say my 24-year-old husband uses big words so much that I often have to ask for definitions (even though I do have a degree).

But really, this was brilliant. Just brilliant! I laughed my head off. Thank you.

1:44 PM
Erica said...

Excellent character analysis. And for all the Twi-hards who disagree.... step back into reality. Edward isn't even real! (go fiction...) :)

3:00 PM
Anonymous said...

so what you're saying is, women would be better off dating other women? Because obviously a man could never fulfill our fantasies, but possibly a woman can? Interesting....
But I will say thanks for making the point that Stephanie Meyers could never write a man properly, because she is a woman. I think everyone should remember this when reading books about women written my men. A man will never fully understand a woman, which brings me back to my first point.

2:20 PM
Anonymous said...

This is absolutely hilarious! My favorite part is how seriously some people are taking this, as if Edward were a real person with real feelings, and as if they were a dear friend of his who needed to defend his reputation! Girly or not...... He's creepy either way. He's a hundred year old man who is OBSESSED with a 17 year old girl. He is possesive controlling and Bella's intense dependence on him is unhealthy (nearly suicidal at 17 because your boyfriend leaves you??) That is not a good love story and Edward is not a good man! Maybe he uses more sophisticated words because he was raised in a more sophisticated era but if that was the case wouldn't he be a more sophisticated person rather than an overbearing jerk? If my daughter acts like Bella when she's 17 I'll lock her in the psyche ward... and if she ever dates a man like Edward I'll ban him from my house because my daughter deserves better than a man who will control her!

2:24 PM
Rebecca said...

Here's some food for thought: Do you think there might be any correlation to the fact that today's husbands hate Edward Cullen the same way husbands hated Mr. Darcy 10 years ago?

Both characters were created by a female author, both have fans wearing t-shirts saying either "Mrs. Cullen" or "Mrs. Darcy," and both too good to be true. (On a side note: Stephenie Meyer has admitted that a lot of her inspiration for Twilight was taken from Pride & Prejudice. Hence the reason that there are many similarities between Edward and Darcy. I think its more obvious in Midnight Sun than in Twilight, but its there.) Husbands hate them because they have become "the fantasy." You've got Twilight proms going on and people have Regency themed weddings (bonnets, breeches, and all). Not to mention Jane Austen societies and festivals. (The last one I attended had a lecture/show & tell called "Undressing Mr. Darcy." Needless to say, it was highly attended.) (And if you can't tell, I love Twilight, but I'm a JANEITE through and through.)

Don't get me wrong, I laughed a whole lot and wanted to immediately call my sister who has a husband who is jealous of Edward Cullen. (Not that he has any reason to be...) They would both get a laugh out of this blog. But, I think our NMH has missed the mark just a little.

I knew a guy in high school that reminds me of Edward. Deep, brooding, intelligent. He wasn't into sports, (did like video games), but I never saw him as a typical high school boy. He was a poet, a musician, and was completely in love with me. The other thing that always amazed me about this is that I consider myself average looking. I'm not ugly, but I'm not hot. It wasn't a high school crush. It was real and intense. So, it was hard not to ignore that kind of overwhelming admiration. At first, like Edward, he kept his distance, not thinking he was good enough for me. There was a lot of self-loathing there. But, with small amounts of encouragement, he came closer. What can I say, time passed. For a while there, we burned hot. Too hot. And then, we burned out. But, I can say that nothing about him reminded me of a 30-something year old woman.

There are a few regrets on my part, but I am happy where I am now. Better to have loved and lost, blah, blah, blah. But, its true. I firmly believe that if I had never known him or been loved by him, I would not have found or known the love I have now. I don't think I would have been able to recognize it. And for the record, my husband is a sports nut, plays his xbox ALL the time, and has no problem farting in front of me. (oh, but how I love him.)

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, there are guys that are somewhat like Edward out there. Or at least the part of Edward that really attracts the female readers. And its not that he's so freakin' hot or rich. Those aspects are nice, but that isn't what does it for us, fellas. Its the fact that he loves Bella so intensely. She is his world. He longs for the smallest of moments with her; the slightest of touches. He notices everything about her and wants to know even more. He doesn't look at the hot chick as she passes. He doesn't care what the score is or how many demons he's killed in Diablo, Resident Evil, Halo, etc...

I want to say right here and now that I love my husband and wouldn't trade him in for anyone. But, I'd also LOVE it if he wouldn't tune me out. And sadly, I can tell when he does. Edward never tunes Bella out. He listens. He might not always agree with what she is saying, but he always takes her thoughts and feelings into consideration. You brethren would make a lot more head way with your wives if you took that one little fact into consideration. And every now and then, find a way to "dazzle" us. You'd be surprised at the results.

(And for the record, I wouldn't chose Edward, Jacob, or Mr. Darcy. I'm all about Capt. Wentworth. Col. Brandon is a very close second.)

11:18 PM
Anonymous said...

I love it all! Edward, the Twilight series, Manly Men and people who take things too serious:)

Men were better in the 1900's...Ha ha ha ha...I can't stop laughing about that one!

11:30 PM
PACO said...

One problem with some of these counter-arguments: If he's really 80, and is just more mature than the teenage boys around him, then WHAT IS HE DOING DATING A TEENAGE GIRL?

The only way the entire love story could work without Edward being a total perv is if his mental maturity level stopped at the same time his physical maturity level stopped. Otherwise, the teenage Bella is dating an octogenarian.

4:20 PM
Jacqui said...

That is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG, LONG time.

I loved Twilight.

My husband loved Twilight.

It's FICTION.

And you are absolutely, 100% hilarious!

10:09 PM
Jacqui said...

And what is with all of the overzealous critiquing of this humorous post? The Anonymous posts (and those who dare to post under their real identity) are both funny and downright painful.

I mean, really people. REALLY.

10:11 PM
Ryan said...

Oh... brother. Please, ladies. It's sooooo sad. Edward *wasn't* born in 1901.... In fact, Edward wasn't born anywhere except inside of Stephanie Meyer's head.

And, of course, your dreams. :D

Sleep well!

9:54 PM
Ryan said...

PS.... As a fellow author, if I were Stephanie Meyer I would be immensely creeped out if women (or men) acted this way about characters in my books....

9:56 PM
Leslie said...

I am highly amused by both the blog and comments. I think the team Edward vs. Team Jacob thing is ridiculous. I also most appreciated the comment about how he wouldn't know how women think because he is a man. Oh the things we as people get passionate about...it's facinating.

1:42 PM
Nate said...

Holy crap!!! My 35 year old wife, 12 year old daughter, 8 year old daughter, and 33 year old sister are all lovers of Twilight books. I have yet to make it through the first pages before wanting to rip some pages out to wipe my rearend with after I sh-arted. (For you women out there that means I had gas that left a mark in my under pants.) I stopped buying any books written by women when I got married 15 years ago. All men characters that have been created by women lack realistic character traits. I'm really sorry that you put so clearly explained plain and simple truths to a group of fantasy lovers (ie. women, actors, muscicians, politicians) that want absolutely nothing to do with reality. I blame myself, or rather us married men for this problem. How is it possible that we as husbands allow our wives to be so completely naive and ignorant about what goes on in our heads?

For instance:

sniff, sniff. I think one of my neighbors is cooking hotdogs. Wow, his wife is really hot, but not as hot as his 17 year old daughter... Man my wife's butt looks great today. I wonder if I've been good enough to get some love.

"Honey, did I tell you how wonderful you look today?"

I wonder if that's enough to get her in the mood or if I'll have to come back during The Bachelor... I think i have donut crumbs in my belly button... mmmm, donuts? Maybe I should order a pizza for dinner... Screw that, I'n going to go get wings from Hooters... Crap. My wife is calling me. What do I have to go do now??? I guess I should say something romantic before I go get wings. Her butt looks great...

"Honey, your butt looks great in those jeans."

******

That's a typical man's thought process over a 90 second span. It doesn't get much more sophisticated than that. Any guy who claims differently is selling you a pile of dog poop. The truth is we CAN'T hear your thoughts. If we could, we'd probably move off to Never Never Land. All men = Peter Pan, Winnie the Pooh, or Tiger Woods. Take your pick.

12:13 AM