Twilight's Edward: Chivalry, Vocabulary, and Flatulence

Monday, April 20, 2009

My last blog post about women being attracted to Edward from Twilight because he thinks, speaks and feels like a 30-something woman touched a nerve with many of you.

152 nerves as of today, to be exact.

While most of the 152 comments that have poured in thus far understood the humor of my previous post, there were a substantial number of women who got pretty bent out of shape about the whole thing. In fact, I was a little worried that a small group of angry readers were going to track me down and re-enact the dance studio scene from the Twilight movie. I would be James. They would take turns being Alice.

In general, the people who were angry about my opinion about Edward pointed to three main reasons in their attempts to prove that I am stupid, moronic, idiotic, stupid, lame, dimwitted and unfunny.

And stupid.

If I were to blend all of the "I hated this stupid post...." comments together and created a generic, all-inclusive summary it would read like this:

"This is the stupidest bunch of stupid that I have ever read. If you weren't so stupid you would know that Edward was born in 1901 when men respected women!!!!! Not like today when all of you stupid men are stupid!!! Aaarrgh!!! Plus, Edward has lived for OVER 100 YEARS so of course his vocabulary is going to be large, not stupid, like yours!!! And if you were less stupid you would know that VAMPIRES CAN'T FART because they don't eat food!!!

I hate to pick the scab before it fully heals, but those of you who left comments like the one above are wrong. Here is why:

1) The General View of Women in 1901. I think the phrase, "Hey, stupid - Edward was born in 1901 when men treated women with respect!!!" was used in roughly 100 of the comments. Okay, people, I get. Edward was born in 1901. But your conclusions that Edward is a selfless, chivalrous gentleman simply because he was born in 1901 is completely wrong. Men in 1901 did not respect women nearly as much as men do in today's society.

Remember, the Nineteenth Amendment to the US Constitution permitting women to vote was voted down twice by a male-dominated congress before it was finally ratified in 1920. Many school systems implemented "marriage bars" to avoid hiring married women and to fire single women after they got married. The first female elected to the US Senate did not happen until 1930, and I'm pretty sure that she only got elected because she was secretly a sorceress who cast a spell upon the unsuspecting people of Arkansas and was later burned at the stake.

Male discrimination against women was alive and well back in the early 1900's. If Edward retained these male chauvinistic views he would be classified in 2009 as a sexist pig, not a chivalrous gentleman.

Living in the early 1900's would have made Edward's view of women more compatible with Tom Arnold's than with a heroic male Jane Austen-type heartthrob.

2) Vocabulary Adapts - Not Improves - Over Time. A number of commenters also tried to make the point that Edward speaks like a woman because - again - he was born in 1901 when language was allegedly more formal and flowery. I also reject this assumption. You see, a man's vocabulary tends to shift and adapt with the time and popular culture, but not necessarily expand. The fact that Edward still speaks like a woman after 100 years supports my argument.

For example, if a guy was an inarticulate dumb jock in high school he will still probably be one at the 25-year class reunion. The dumb jock will not suddenly be as eloquent as President Obama simply due to the fact that he has lived for 25 additional years. (Now, if he carried a teleprompter with him everywhere he went, that would be a totally different story.)

Also, if Edward thought like a male he would have dumped the flowery early 1900's vocabulary and replaced it with more modern words as time went on. Take me, for example. I was born in 1974 but I do not say "groovy" or"keep on truckin'", which were popular back then. Instead of staying stuck in the '70's I adapted in the '80's to use popular words like "awesome!", "rad!" and "studly!" I then spent most of the 1990's speaking like Beavis and/or Butthead. Thanks to texting, the 2000's have been the decade of the acronym, and I have incorporated them accordingly.If Edward were a more manly-man, he would have adapted as well.

(Side Note: The company I work for uses approximately seventeen million acronyms. My favorite is the acronym for a person in our Specialty Tapes Division who goes out on short-term disability due to a sexually transmitted disease. The acronym? A person in STD went out on STD due to an STD. Classic.)

The fact that Edward still speaks like a lead from Sense and Sensibility instead of allowing his vocabulary to change with the times proves that he prefers to keep things frilly and festive on the inside. This was my point from the beginning.

3) Edward CAN Fart! Okay, the whole "Edward can't fart because vampires don't eat food!" comments cracked me up. Seriously. They killed me. I actually did a little research about flatulence and can assert with complete confidence that Edward - and all vampires, for that matter - can, in fact, break wind. Here is why:

According to Wikipedia, Nitrogen makes up 20%-90% of the gas that is released during flatulence. Edward's diet consists of blood, which contains Nitrogen. Therefore, every time that Edward drinks blood he is ingesting Nitrogen, which will continue to build up in his body until it is somehow released. Edward, therefore, would most likely pass gas in order to release the excess Nitrogen building up within him.

A few of you tried to argue that Edward cannot toot because his internal organs no longer work because they are no longer needed. This is also an incorrect assumption. When Edward bares his chest in the forest and glistens in the sun, you can clearly see that he has two useless body parts - male nipples and a belly button. Since these "useless" body parts were not removed when Edward was changed from human to vampire, I have concluded that his digestive system did not change either.

Wow. I am now the world's foremost expert on vampire flatulence. I bet my mom and dad are proud.

After reading all of your comments, I am still confident that Edward appeals to women because he thinks, feels, and speaks like a female. Some of you will still disagree with me on this, which is fine. But at the end of the day I hope we can agree on one item of Edward's manliness:

He can clear the room with the best of 'em!

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63 comments

Anonymous said...

Laughing hysterically! Thanks for the laugh right before bed - now off to dream of Edward!

10:38 PM
Sally said...

can't . . . type . . still ROTFL! (that acronym was for you, NMH.)

Wow, you really surprised me with the methane research. thanks for clearing that up. I've been wondering.

But, here's a question for you: Does a man's vocabulary change with the times if he is hanging out, almost exclusively, with other people his age? (Or in this case, other vamps from the same century?)

[Wow, that was deep.]

ANSWER: Based on my grandpa ("THE byu"), my husband ("fetch" around mission friends), my brother ("Sup bro?" with HS friends--he's 35),I have to conclude that people maintain a vocab that fits their company.

So neener, neener.

[I really should post anony, but that would be wimpy.]

Thanks for the laugh.

As long as you're milking the pop culture, when are you going to give us a post about The Hunger Games? Just a thought.

Great blog. My husband loves you, and that "Man Geddes" piece will go down in the Annals of Manhood as one of the manliest and funniest posts of all time.

Ciao!

11:50 PM
Tristan said...

I laughed so hard at your last post I was crying! My husband thought I was crazy until I read it to him and he thought it was funny too. I need to read your other Twighlight posts since that's as much as I plan on reading of those books. Thanks for the laughs.

12:02 AM
lauren said...

Oh gosh. Some people just can't take a joke, can they? This post was great!

I was about to pose an argument on Edward's vocabulary when I realized it was pointless because... he isn't REAL. I think that's the problem with all your "OMIGOD UR SO WRONG!" comments. They have yet to come to this realization.

You're hysterical, keep up the good posts!

3:28 AM
Brenda said...

Isn't it sad that you had to defend your views of a fictional character with facts? Insane!

3:33 AM
Anonymous said...

"I'm pretty sure that she only got elected because she was secretly a sorceress who cast a spell upon the unsuspecting people of Arkansas and was later burned at the stake."
I have tears from laughing too much at that statement. :D
This post was totally studly.
Keep on truckin' NMH
x

4:30 AM
jeans said...

Way to stand up for yourself, nMh, you rock. Never mind the naysayers.

4:39 AM
Heidi said...

I love that the Google ads that showed up say "Treat Flatulence!". Way to reinforce, Google!

Well said, well written, well done. Totally, for sure.

4:52 AM
bioman75 said...

Great post and a great way to start the morning.

5:32 AM
Lauren said...

I don't see why it's such a big deal if Edward DOES think like a woman. Or if he farts. Who cares? I think he does though. He also coughs food up and still has blue veins, right? As long as he doesn't fart in front of Bella (i.e. me when I'm reading the book), I couldn't care less.

Thanks for the humor!

6:16 AM
Amber said...

Haha. I guess chivalry isn't dead after all.

6:35 AM
Amber C said...

Man it really is so funny how Twihards gets so bent out of shape over any Edward bashing. I'm as big a fan as anyone...well..maybe not anyone (I still haven't bought the movie or even stalked any of the actors) but I think you're posts are hillarious. In fact, I read all of Midnight Sun again just to see for myself. It's kinda fun to get people all rile up though. In fact, I'm pretty sure that why you keep coming back to Twilight posts....just to keep things interesting. Am I wrong?

7:09 AM

I'm in support of both this post and the last one. Very well written.

7:09 AM
Karen said...

I think you missed an important point on the flatulence argument. The same women that insist that Edward would NEVER fart because of his altered digestive system are perfectly willing to accept that he can produce offspring because, somehow, his reproductive system is unchanged.

What frightens me is how many girls (Stephenie Meyer included) have completely missed the fact that Edward is controlling and possessive. It doesn't matter how flowery he is or how "romantic." He is not the type of guy that girls should be looking for and I can't believe how many moms would be willing (and happy) to have this guy as a son-in-law.

7:13 AM
Parker said...

Oh my gosh!!! HAHA! this is Hilarious! Can't wait to show my wife!

7:38 AM
DeNae said...

Where are the words to express how unutterably relieved I am to have these little issues cleared up? And for my money, you can't mention man-boobs often enough in one post. Seriously. Useless or not, male nipples need their day in the sun, too. Thanks for that, Edward.

BTW, I grew up in WVC. Have younger sibs your age. GHS?

7:39 AM
Lindsey said...

First off, LOVE all the Twilight posts!! I read the posts LONG before I read the books. Now, am I the only woman alive (in the 13-45 age bracket) that is not on "Team Edward?" Seriously, he drove me nuts! Trying to be all sensitive. For that matter, am I the only woman who only read the books so that I would no longer get grief from my sisters and ward members? Am I the only one who read the books as quickly as possible just to end the torture?! I will concede, the story-line is interesting and fresh, but the writing? BLECH! Don't get me started on the movie...don't even get me started....

7:45 AM
Big Wave Dave said...

NMH,

Thank you for your great writing. My wife, Sally, and I both love your posts. It brings us together. You are saving our marriage.

Thanks again,
David

7:51 AM
normal mormon wife said...

Phew. Thanks for clearing all of that up and making me laugh along the way.

Do you think the kids and I can come out of hiding now? I haven't read any death threat comments yet.

7:55 AM
Jolyn said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That is so freakin' funny. I love it! I love it! I love it! I can always count on you for a good laugh.

8:32 AM
annahannah said...

I don't really care about Ed. Seriously, do his close friends call him Ed?? I enjoyed the books, the movie was yuck. But, just as a posit...maybe Edward thinks like a woman because he has continuously evolved to a higher form?? Can't wait for the response. love the nmh.

9:25 AM
elise said...

Yeah, talk about stirring up a hornet's nest! I think you managed to spark more controversy amongst the Mormons than Prop 8 did in California. (P.S. I agree. If Edward was a real man 95% of his thoughts would've been devoted to his Aston Martin.)

10:00 AM
Becky said...

hows this "twihards are stupid!" ;)
Loved both the posts. Im a 29 year old mormon housewife who thinks that edward is beyond creepy, and would prefer herself a werewolf anyday.

10:39 AM
Amie said...

Lol...you're not earnin' back any readers with this post. *grin*

11:10 AM
Val said...

The bottom line is this: a girl wants to be adored. To be loved and respected is necessary, too, but to be adored is something else, altogether. And both Edward and Jacob adore Bella. Therein lies the problem. How does she choose?

Edward covers the romantic, gushy side, but Jacob keeps it real and fun. If we could combine the two, we'd have one nearly perfect man. Or wolfpire, or something. Now I'm confused.

But I do like to use the book as an example to my girls that there is more than one person out there for you. So you'd better do your homework, and choose wisely. Cuz eternity is a long time, vampire or not!

11:49 AM
Kristy Lou said...

very funny. All this fuss and fixation over a fictional character--what does your wife think about all the time you have spent researching and expounding on Edward? Evens the playing field a little, don't you think?

12:30 PM
Chernobyl said...

Good heavens NMH! Take a breath. It's not that big of a deal. We like you anyway.

2:07 PM
Chris said...

You know, brother, you're coming close to crossing an unhealthy line with your study of Edward.

A bit of a man-crush, maybe? A bromance, as they say?

2:24 PM
Jessica said...

Love a Good Laugh!
Thanks for your attention to detail... I love this series, my husband won't even look at them. But I know that he'd be right there with ya- Soooo FUNNY!

2:39 PM
courtney said...

Ok i am a HUGE twilight person, and an even bigger Edward person, and I was laughing so so so hard when i read that post... Why would anyone be mad? It had to be one of the best twilight humor things that i have ever read!

3:26 PM
Carolyn said...

I just have two questions:
-what were you doing reading 'Midnight Sun'?
and...

-who's "acting like a 30-something woman" now?

3:32 PM
Carolyn said...

p.s. ha ha ha

3:34 PM
gabriella said...

I laughed so hard at your last post I was crying![2]

6:06 PM
Melinda said...

OMGAWSH, I TTLY H8 U! UR SOOO STPD!

BAAAH hahahahahaha! I loved this post AND the last, you're incredibly funny!

8:38 PM
Melanie said...

The last two posts have just cracked me and my husband up! Seriously, great stuff.

9:05 PM
Anonymous said...

You rock. I loved every word.

9:10 PM
Bekah said...

Holy crap, dude. You are hilarious! I thought your last post was funny, too. I also think that it's funny that so many women felt they had to defend an obviously completely fictional VAMPIRE character. Because you know, when I grow up, I am TOTALLY going to marry Edward.

5:52 AM
Melanie said...
Bryce said...

I loved this, along with every other post that has in some way mocked Twilight. You keep on representing normal Mormon husbands everywhere. Because let's face it: we all think far worse things about Twilight and its ridiculousness than you've written on here.

8:05 AM
Trent Kingston said...

Genius, pure genius.

8:08 AM
melbel said...

oh my gosh, so funny! i love your posts, they totally make my day. my sister and i are both huge fans of twilight, but we love to love to laugh at it.

as a college student, though, it's not a good idea for me to read your posts while i'm in the computer lab, cuz i desperately want to laugh out loud but i can't cuz that might be embarrassing...

love it! keep it up! team jacob!

10:33 AM
jaysbunny said...

Is it possible that Edward is just plain old gay and trying to cover it up? He admits in the book that Esme was worried about his inability to get girlfriend...

1:05 PM
Sandy said...

Oh my gosh, that was awesome. You seriously just blogged about whether vampires fart. Your wife must be SO proud:) But now I'm thinking...why do people assume that the vampires have no bodily functions? There are animals on the planet now whose diet consists largely of blood (right? leeches? vampire bats?) and I'm pretty sure they are capable of farting, throwing up, drooling, peeing...and dare I say it? POOPING even. I bet the Cullens have a bathroom -and even use it. They don't eat people food (okay wait, yes they do...but I mean food other people eat...not people AS food), but they still eat, so they would still need a digestive system, right? And that would mean that there would be waste products - like gas, ETC.

And now I need to go put myself in time out for even spending time out of my day wondering about this...:)

1:22 PM
Shantel said...

I just found your blog...very funny. Here is my opinion - I am 33. (that's not my opinion) my Opinion IS that Edward AKA Robert is a kid. It says alot about our society that women my age are attracted to him. That women are being decieved in more ways than they even know. He is a girl. I dont know a man that acts that why that is not in jail. The fact that grown women with children - these women raising our next generation - cannot identify his behavior as creepy scares me a little. (shudder for dramatic effect)

3:28 PM
Anonymous said...

Thanks for defending True manhood
and just to point out EDDY is 100 year old metrosexual at best who belongs on Dateline predator
BUT AT least he can and does still clear a room.

PS If your family is threatened by women hating you buy and teach yourself and the NMW how to use a firearm!

3:32 PM
Beth said...

I was going to post something about the Victorian attitudes towards women, but I can see that my work has already been done for me. Good show, old chap! Bully! (There, that is an authentic example of Victorian slang).

I never thought Edward was very chivalrous to begin with - on nearly every other page he tears Bella down. "Be rational." "You are totally being ridiculous."

I still stay you're spot on. Edward is totally a woman.

4:23 PM
Col.Smeag said...

The only reason for treating Bella as he did Edward himself gave was she smelled real good she was his heroin (the drug not the hero type) I'm with NMH women were not treated as they should have been in 1901 the washing machine wasn't invented untill 1904. Just Kidding but that was the mentality then and saddly still exist in some 3rd world cultures today.

7:58 AM
Tammy said...

Too funny!!!

OK... now let's contemplate The Van Helsing theory and how .... ha ha

Wow. People sure do get "into" their fiction!

2:48 PM
Rebecca said...

I know this isn't directly related to the post, and I'm sure hate mail will generate, but here is my issue- What exactly makes Edward so great? He's rich. He's hot. What else does he have to offer? Bella says he's so fabulous, but seriously, show me. All I see is that he fulfills every high school fantasy a girl has- the hot, unavailable guy thinks she is wonderful, and chooses ordinary her over all the other girls. As far as I can see, that's it. Well, that and Edward likes Bella and doesn't eat her. Other than that, what exactly makes him so wonderful? He doesn't talk to anyone else, he doesn't do anything for anyone else (with one minor exception). So what are these great qualities he has? Because I'm not seeing that Edward has anything other than looks and money... and that he loves Bella too much to eat her. Sure, its a fun read, but that's it.

Loved the post- all the Twilight posts! And I did like all the books. I just know that they are books. Not reality.

Whew! I feel better now!

6:42 PM
Cari said...

I think any man can pass gas with the best of them. Seriously still laughing hysterically, because i can't believe people got upset about this.

6:24 PM
M-O-R-G-A-N-'S said...

Ha! I loved this post. I found the other Edward post you did recently funny as well. I love the Twilight series, I saw the "lame" movie 3 times and read the books 5 times each. Yes, I said the movie was lame. Yes, I saw it 3 times. You wonder why? Because I needed a good laugh so I went with my three different groups of friends. LOL! (Here's to hoping the next one is better.)

Anyway, I agree with Lauren's comment "he isn't REAL. They have yet to come to this realization." I wouldn't even give the negative comments the time of day.

I think sometimes us women have an unrealistic idea of how a man should be. I honestly think that Edward fills that role for some women. In reality 98% of the men in the world will never be what we want them to be. LOL! No offense. :o)

Keep blogging away and providing the funny material.

P.S., Val is right... Eternity is a LONG TIME. lol To those women out there not married yet, CHOOSE WISELY! :o)

9:48 PM
Anonymous said...

HIS ORGANS DONT WORK. HIS HEART DOESNT BEAT, HE DOESNT NEED A LIVER TO GET THE GOOD STUFF OUT OF HIS BLOOD, HE DOESNT NEED KIDNEYS TO CLEAN IT. And whatever else organs you have in you are not needed anymore. In case you just decided to skim all the text in the book, you probably missed the part where they say that organs are killed in the process. The venom makes them obselete. Every man has nipples because for the first 6 weeks of pregnancy you develop as a girl because there is no testosterone. They are USELESS to every man, not just vampires. Belly buttons are a scar, that you stay with for life it is part of anyone who has ever been born. Unless Edward suddenly became Kyle XY, you might me a little confused.

10:48 PM
Jill said...

That last bit was completely hilarious.

Not to mention that Edward isn't quite the chivalrous, loving, kind gentleman he's pegged as-- unless 'loving and kind' equates to "locking the wifey in the house and breaking her car to keep her from visiting her friends" these days. Uh.

11:04 AM
Jamie said...

The one thing that still bugs me is that Rosalie can't get pregnant, but Edward still has the ability to procreate.

2:07 PM

You totally crack me up! Wow I get a whole other perspective from you. I have to laugh at all those die hard fans... I must not be a real girl.

8:46 AM

OH MY GOSH!! LOLOLOL! I cannot believe you researched vampires and farting. Sooooooooo funny! I am pretty sure if Edward can make a baby he can pass a little gas!

10:15 AM
Tom said...

I do believe that you are missing one very important and often over-looked question. Do women fart?
I thoroughly enjoy all the commotion.

9:33 PM
mandy_moo said...

LOL!! Thanks for the laughs. I do enjoy the Twilight series (hated the movie though) but I definitely had to laugh at both of these posts.

10:14 AM
Taisley Weston said...

you have way too much time on your hands.

10:31 PM
NaughtyLola said...

Again very funny and even funnier are those comments who take it all so seriously.

10:53 AM
john said...

So how can his reproductive organs still function? Huh? Huh?!

7:20 PM
Indecisive said...

What kills me is when people equate the term "chivalry" with the modern-day connotations given to the term "respect for women." Men in that oft-referenced Jane Austen era treated women like porcelain dolls... in every way. They were "respected" in that men opened doors for them and stood when they entered the room, and yet any one of Jane Austen's heroes would have peed his pants with laughter if his wife had told him she wanted to go to college or get a job.

5:37 PM
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7:23 AM