My last blog post about women being attracted to Edward from Twilight because he thinks, speaks and feels like a 30-something woman touched a nerve with many of you.
152 nerves as of today, to be exact.
While most of the 152 comments that have poured in thus far understood the humor of my previous post, there were a substantial number of women who got pretty bent out of shape about the whole thing. In fact, I was a little worried that a small group of angry readers were going to track me down and re-enact the dance studio scene from the Twilight movie. I would be James. They would take turns being Alice.
In general, the people who were angry about my opinion about Edward pointed to three main reasons in their attempts to prove that I am stupid, moronic, idiotic, stupid, lame, dimwitted and unfunny.
If I were to blend all of the "I hated this stupid post...." comments together and created a generic, all-inclusive summary it would read like this:
"This is the stupidest bunch of stupid that I have ever read. If you weren't so stupid you would know that Edward was born in 1901 when men respected women!!!!! Not like today when all of you stupid men are stupid!!! Aaarrgh!!! Plus, Edward has lived for OVER 100 YEARS so of course his vocabulary is going to be large, not stupid, like yours!!! And if you were less stupid you would know that VAMPIRES CAN'T FART because they don't eat food!!!
I hate to pick the scab before it fully heals, but those of you who left comments like the one above are wrong. Here is why:
1) The General View of Women in 1901. I think the phrase, "Hey, stupid - Edward was born in 1901 when men treated women with respect!!!" was used in roughly 100 of the comments. Okay, people, I get. Edward was born in 1901. But your conclusions that Edward is a selfless, chivalrous gentleman simply because he was born in 1901 is completely wrong. Men in 1901 did not respect women nearly as much as men do in today's society.
Remember, the Nineteenth Amendment to the US Constitution permitting women to vote was voted down twice by a male-dominated congress before it was finally ratified in 1920. Many school systems implemented "marriage bars" to avoid hiring married women and to fire single women after they got married. The first female elected to the US Senate did not happen until 1930, and I'm pretty sure that she only got elected because she was secretly a sorceress who cast a spell upon the unsuspecting people of Arkansas and was later burned at the stake.
Male discrimination against women was alive and well back in the early 1900's. If Edward retained these male chauvinistic views he would be classified in 2009 as a sexist pig, not a chivalrous gentleman.
Living in the early 1900's would have made Edward's view of women more compatible with Tom Arnold's than with a heroic male Jane Austen-type heartthrob.
2) Vocabulary Adapts - Not Improves - Over Time. A number of commenters also tried to make the point that Edward speaks like a woman because - again - he was born in 1901 when language was allegedly more formal and flowery. I also reject this assumption. You see, a man's vocabulary tends to shift and adapt with the time and popular culture, but not necessarily expand. The fact that Edward still speaks like a woman after 100 years supports my argument.
For example, if a guy was an inarticulate dumb jock in high school he will still probably be one at the 25-year class reunion. The dumb jock will not suddenly be as eloquent as President Obama simply due to the fact that he has lived for 25 additional years. (Now, if he carried a teleprompter with him everywhere he went, that would be a totally different story.)
Also, if Edward thought like a male he would have dumped the flowery early 1900's vocabulary and replaced it with more modern words as time went on. Take me, for example. I was born in 1974 but I do not say "groovy" or"keep on truckin'", which were popular back then. Instead of staying stuck in the '70's I adapted in the '80's to use popular words like "awesome!", "rad!" and "studly!" I then spent most of the 1990's speaking like Beavis and/or Butthead. Thanks to texting, the 2000's have been the decade of the acronym, and I have incorporated them accordingly.If Edward were a more manly-man, he would have adapted as well.
(Side Note: The company I work for uses approximately seventeen million acronyms. My favorite is the acronym for a person in our Specialty Tapes Division who goes out on short-term disability due to a sexually transmitted disease. The acronym? A person in STD went out on STD due to an STD. Classic.)
The fact that Edward still speaks like a lead from Sense and Sensibility instead of allowing his vocabulary to change with the times proves that he prefers to keep things frilly and festive on the inside. This was my point from the beginning.
3) Edward CAN Fart! Okay, the whole "Edward can't fart because vampires don't eat food!" comments cracked me up. Seriously. They killed me. I actually did a little research about flatulence and can assert with complete confidence that Edward - and all vampires, for that matter - can, in fact, break wind. Here is why:
According to Wikipedia, Nitrogen makes up 20%-90% of the gas that is released during flatulence. Edward's diet consists of blood, which contains Nitrogen. Therefore, every time that Edward drinks blood he is ingesting Nitrogen, which will continue to build up in his body until it is somehow released. Edward, therefore, would most likely pass gas in order to release the excess Nitrogen building up within him.
A few of you tried to argue that Edward cannot toot because his internal organs no longer work because they are no longer needed. This is also an incorrect assumption. When Edward bares his chest in the forest and glistens in the sun, you can clearly see that he has two useless body parts - male nipples and a belly button. Since these "useless" body parts were not removed when Edward was changed from human to vampire, I have concluded that his digestive system did not change either.
Wow. I am now the world's foremost expert on vampire flatulence. I bet my mom and dad are proud.
After reading all of your comments, I am still confident that Edward appeals to women because he thinks, feels, and speaks like a female. Some of you will still disagree with me on this, which is fine. But at the end of the day I hope we can agree on one item of Edward's manliness:
He can clear the room with the best of 'em!
Like the site? Husband Hero and Grahamtastic Stickers help make it possible.