As promised as a follow-up to my last post - What a Riot! - the three-person Official NMH Riot Squad has been selected based on what they will overturn, loot, and burn to celebrate upcoming events in their lives. Congratulations are in order for:
Way to go, guys! You must be delighted to know that you are the three most likely to end up with felony convictions among the hundreds of people who read this blog.
Here is what they said to win this prestigious honor and a few comments about why their submissions were so great:
Chad: I am celebrating the recent announcement of the remake of Red Dawn.
Overturn: a 1997 Cuban Peso
Loot: Some AK-47 ammunition from my fathers gun safe.
Burn: A red plastic 3 inch army guy.
NMH's Comments: Red Dawn is one of the greatest movies in the history of film. The Wolverines could totally kick the crud out of any other movie on the AFI Top 100 list. Citizen Kane? Eat a bazooka rocket! Lawrence of Arabia? Puh-lease! I'll take the Wolverines tank over his camel any day.
I have had fantasies about living in the mountains and battling commies since the day I saw Patrick Swayze and C. Thomas Howell pop out of the ground like angry, underground Jacks-in-the-Box and mow down the enemy. Plus, my high school mascot was the Wolverine and we used to watch C. Thomas Howell yell, "WOLVERIIIIIIIINNNNNEEEEES!" at our pep rallies. It still gives me chills to this day. And don't even get me started on my Leah Thompson crush...
For those of you who need to get goosebumps, take a look at this (it gets really, really AWESOME at the 1:30 mark if you want to skip ahead.)
Just watching that clip forced my body to sprout chest hair in areas that were previously barren. Chad, your never-say-die, take-no-prisoners Red Dawn mentality is exactly what our Official NMH Riot Squat needs. Now go get yourself a few commies!
Sandy: I live in Wyoming, where we never need an excuse to be on the other side of martial law. On a regular day in my town, you can:
1.Overturn cows. And sheep.
2. Loot the local dump. It's like Wal-Mart out there (and 200 miles closer).
3. Burn your trash in your backyard, because the garbage dump is for shopping.
NMH's Comments: In all honesty, the "...because the garbage dump is for shopping" line is one of the funniest comments I have ever read. It killed me. Not "killed me" as in the Red Dawn way (i.e. in a hail of blood-spattered machine gun bullets), but in the good, funny way. Every riot squad needs that person who can come up with a good one-liner as something explodes in a ball of fire in the background.
For example, if the Jazz won the 2010 NBA Finals and the Official NMH Riot Squad took to the streets to celebrate, I'm pretty sure Molotov cocktails would be involved somehow. Instead of just throwing hers, Sandy would do her best impersonation of Hot Rod Hundley and say, "A gentle push, a mild arc, and the Molotov cocktail hits home!", just as her concoction explodes against a building.
Julie - Event: Thursday Night
1) Overturn garbage can, toy boxes and utensils drawer, just so the toddler doesn't get to have ALL of the fun.
2) Loot through the fridge, looking for something to eat that I don't have to cook.
3) Burn ants with a magnifying glass, just because it's awesome.
NMH's Comments: Every riot squad worth its salt has a completely insane person like Julie who does totally crazy things like burning ants with a magnifying glass just for fun. For example, let's say the Riot Squad is having a planning session to do something destructive - like knocking down some street signs - it is Julie who storms in and says something nuts like, "Forget that! We're burning down the Guatemalan embassy! Yeeee Haw!!!!!" and then starts firing a pistol at the ceiling. Julie brings the edge. You don't mess with Julie.
So, winners, go out and celebrate the best you know how. Burn an army guy. Loot a dump. Ignite some ants. Give me your email addresses if you want and I will send you a certificate of some sort (email me at nmhusband @ hotmail [dot] com.)
Just stay away from my house when you celebrate. Far, far away from my house.
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