What A Riot!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

There have been many instances in my life when I have had cause to celebrate.

For example, the Normal Mormon Wife and I took a relaxing Caribbean cruise to celebrate our 10th anniversary. After graduating from BYU I bought myself a 1923 Babe Ruth baseball card as a “Way to go champ!” to myself. My wife and I celebrated the births of each of our children by screaming, “What do you mean it’s too late for an epidural!!!!!!!” at several different anesthesiologists.

A number of other important events in my life have been commemorated by fancy dinners, thoughtful gifts, and parties featuring Mormons eating no-bake food storage cookies and sipping on Martinelli’s (with milk also provided for LDS party-goers who think Martinelli’s violates the whole “avoid the appearance of evil” philosophy. As for me, I’d hook up a Martinelli’s IV if I could.)

In short, I love to get jiggy.

Or at least to get as close to “jiggy” as a freakishly tall, mid-thirties, white, LDS father of three with a herniated disc in his lower back can legally, morally, and physically get. But I realized last week that I must be doing something wrong in my celebratory jiggy-ness, because at no point in my life have my celebrations included the following:

· Rioting
· Looting
· Burning random stuff
· Overturning cars
· Felony convictions

Now keep in mind that I grew up in West Valley City, Utah, were my high school had an AP class called “Burning Random Stuff” (formerly called “AP Chemistry”) and my guidance counselor encouraged me to attend Salt Lake Community College where I could major in “Looting.” And I am fairly certain my guidance counselor had multiple felony convictions for overturning cars. Yet despite my heritage, I never managed to incorporate senseless, irresponsible destruction into my celebrations.

And then my beloved Los Angeles Lakers won the 2009 NBA Finals.

My initial celebration was to exchange a few “Yeah boyyyyyyyyyy’s!” and “Yeeeee haws!” with the NMW, who is also a loyal Lakers fan. We just had to make sure that our euphoria was quiet enough so as to not wake up our three sleeping children. I thought my victory celebration was complete.

But then I saw on the news how the hard-core Lakers fans were celebrating and immediately realized that my jiggification was sorely lacking. I needed to step it up.

Even though the Lakers’ series-clenching victory happened in Orlando, many of my Lakers bretheren took to the streets of downtown L.A. and rioted, looted, burnt stuff, overturned cars, and ended up with felony convictions. And I wished I was there. Here is what I missed out on by being cooped up at home in North Carolina instead of celebrating in the streets of Los Angeles:

So, in honor of my proud Lakers heritage, I decided to stage a mini-celebratory riot by overturning cars, looting, and burning stuff:

Overturning Cars:
I tried to topple my neighbor’s minivan, but it was just too heavy and I didn’t have the combined muscle of a drunken mob to help me out. I had to settle on overturning my daughter’s Little Tykes Crazy Coupe instead. I hope she has insurance. That’ll teach that irresponsible little 12-month-old!

Looting:
There are no nearby convenience stores, so the only place I could loot was my food storage pantry. I managed to get a bottle of ketchup, canned beans, and a box of Life cereal before the cops showed up. (NMW – if you’re reading this, please know that I took the cans from the front to ensure proper food storage rotation. I may be a reckless looter, but I’m not crazy or anything.)

Burning Stuff:
As a trained and registered Boy Scouts of America leader, I had to find the most complicated way of accomplishing this otherwise simple task. Instead of creating flame with a lighter or matches, I used a real man’s tool - steel and flint! I also followed BSA guidelines and made sure there were no combustible materials near the flame. I then burned the paper scrap remnants from our paper shredder. But hey, a senseless fire is still a senseless fire.

I can honestly say I have experienced more fulfillment and satisfaction over the Lakers’ title now that I have celebrated it the right way.

I also thought this theme of not-so-crazy LDS celebrations could be an entertaining discussion topic for the NMH community. So please pick an upcoming cause to celebrate in your life (graduation, wedding, anniversary, statute of limitations expiration, etc.) and answer the following questions:

What is the event?
1) What will you overturn?
2) What will you loot?
3) What will you burn?

The top three submissions will earn the writers the proud distinction of being named members of the Official NMH Riot Squad. I will send you a congratulatory email and everything. Winners will be announced in a few days, so the sooner you submit yours, the better.

Which poses another question – how will the Official NMH Riot Squad celebrate winning such a prestigious honor?

Uh-oh. I can smell the celebratory fires already.

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21 comments

In case you wanted an example of what a submission should look like:

Event: Daughter's potty training.
1) Overturn a crate of Huggies.
2) Loot some additional pairs of Dora the Explorer underwear.
3) Burn the last remaining wet and/or soiled diaper, regardless of the CO2's and general rottenness it will emit.

7:30 PM

Actually, the potty training example turned out to be better than I originally thought it would. Can I win this thing, or is that a conflict of interest?

7:31 PM
Ann said...

Event: Graduating with my Master's Degree
1) Overturn all the library books in my tiny student cubicle
2) Loot the bookstore for an alumni license plate frame
3) Burn all marked up copies of my various thesis drafts

8:17 PM
Gretchen said...

We're having baby #3 in about a week so...

Event: Birth of my daughter
1) Overturn the decision of any nurses not to give me an epidural
2) Loot all the supplies from my hospital room
3) Burn calories nursing in hopes that I will look vaguely un-beachball like again someday

8:27 PM

Event: Finish Christmas craft started two years ago.
1) Overturn a Christmas tree.
2) Loot the nuts out of a fruitcake.
3) Burn fudge.

8:47 PM
Angie said...

Event:Survive any impending Typhoon coming our way this summer (we live in Okinawa, Typhoon alley!)

1) Overturn the trampoline to keep it from becoming airborn!
2)loot the self help store of sandbags
3)burn the coals in the grill during the impending power outage

8:51 PM
Morris Mama said...

Event: The birth of our 4th child. As this has been the longest and most uncomfortable pregnancy yet I will:

1.) Overturn every piece of medical equipment in my doc's office if she goes back on our deal to induce me a week early.
2.) Loot the diaper stash at the hospital. Nothing helps you feel the glory of victory like a stack of free Pampers.
3.) Burn the horrible and hideously unfashionable stretchy maternity pants that I have been forced to wear.

9:10 PM
Jen said...

Event: Daughter's 1st birthday
1) Overturn husband's advice NOT to make a cake that looks like a baby.
2) Loot all the snacks from my sister's house where we'll be celebrating. (She makes fabulous desserts!)
3) Burn the birthday candles, fireworks, and maybe a finger or two.

10:06 PM
Julie said...

Event: Thursday Night
1) Overturn garbage can, toy boxes and utensils drawer, just so the toddler doesn't get to have ALL of the fun.
2) Loot through the fridge, looking for something to eat that I don't have to cook.
3) Burn ants with a magnifying glass, just because it's awesome.

10:22 PM
Sandy said...

I live in Wyoming, where we never need an excuse to be on the other side of martial law. On a regular day in my town, you can:

1.Overturn cows. And sheep.
2. Loot the local dump. It's like WalMart out there (and 200 miles closer).
3. Burn your trash in your backyard, because the garbage dump is for shopping.

6:36 AM
Trent Kingston said...

Event: Celebrating the Utah Jazz taking yet another tall, white stiff with a late first round pick while the spurs lakers and blazers continue to find actual basketball players with their late(er) first round picks!!

1. Overturn my current status as a semi-jazz fan, claiming as an Idahoan I can rightfully switch my NBA loyalties at any given time due to the mere fact that Idaho has no real professional sports ties.
2. Loot the nearest fanzz store for said white stiff's Jazz Jersey.
3. Burn said Jazz Jersey to commemorate my new found love of the Baltic Basketball League ( http://www.eurobasket.com/Baltic-League/basketball.asp )- at least in the Baltic League a mid 30's white stiff can be the MVP of the league.

7:20 AM
Stephanie said...

This year is 10th anniversary AND I'm graduating from law school in December. So, in celebration I think I will
1. Overturn my two sons battery powered 4-wheeler and jeep.
2. I will loot fudgsickles from the basement freezer
3. I will burn a student loan statement in the backyard firepit in feeble protest against skyrocketing costs of education AND my wife who thinks we can't afford a cruise for our tenth.

7:22 AM
Stephanie said...

This post is from Stephanie's lesser half, Matt.

7:25 AM
Pam said...

Event: Family Camping Trip
1) Overturn the family budget and buy lots of junk food to keep the kids happy for the 8 1/2 hour drive.
2) Loot the Oreos from the roadtrip food- mine, allllll mine!
3) Burn my skin to a crisp because without a doubt, I will forget the sunscreen.

7:43 AM
Scott said...

I vote for Sandy from Wyoming...that was hilarious.

10:01 AM

Sandy - "...because the garbage dump is for shopping." One of the best comments ever posted. Made me laugh out loud. Nicely done. Wyoming very well may be represented on the Riot Squad after that one.

7:11 PM
Amie said...

Crazy, right?

I have some cousins in WVC...I'd ask do-you-know but if I remember correctly, each block filled up a ward in an of itself, if not an entire stake.

9:58 PM
Chad said...

I am celebrating the recent announcement of the remake of Red Dawn.

Overturn: a 1997 Cuban Peso
Loot: Some AK-47 ammunition from my fathers gun safe.
Burn: A red plastic 3 inch army guy.

Do you need pictures?

10:42 AM
Nelson said...

Hilarious. I love these posts. I can't think of anything that would be nearly as clever so I won't try.

10:43 AM

Amie - The correct pronunciation of my hometown is actually "The W-V-C", and then you have to flash a "W" sign with the fingers on your right hand. I bet your cousins know that.

7:08 PM
NMW said...

How did you manage to take those pics when I have BOTH digital cameras on the other side of the country? Impressive.

I, too, vote for Sandy. Cracked me up.

10:50 PM