The Bizarre Foodstuffs of a Lonely Man

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

It is not good for man to be alone.

And alone is how I currently find myself. The Normal Mormon Wife and our three kids left in late June on an epic month-long road trip, leaving me to my own devices. I flew out last week to vacation with them in Utah for a fabulous week and then headed back home, by myself, to North Carolina. So I now find myself as a lone man tending the garden in my backyard approximately 35 miles from Eden, NC.

But unlike Adam, the first lonely man, I am not eating nearly enough fruit. However, I have found myself regularly consuming a disturbing amount of foods that should have been forbidden years ago by the Surgeon General. Unfortunately, I place more stock in the advice of Mayor McCheese than C. Everett Coop, as witnessed by my recent eating habits

I have eaten enough Wendy’s in the NMW’s absence that red pigtails have begun spontaneously sprouting from the sides of my head. My visits to Subway have been so frequent that Jared himself, feeling threatened, told me “back off, man!” or else he would “gut me like a fish” for invading his turf. I have digested so many Taco Bell items that it no longer bothers me chalupas are really just dead Chihuahuas rolled up in discarded carpet samples.

All of this fast food is not healthy. I realized this yesterday when my blood pressure was so high that my blood broke the sound barrier, so I headed to Wal-Mart to do some grocery shopping. This shopping venture may have been the first time I have gone grocery shopping on my own, for myself, since the NMW and I were married in 1997. Since I was only shopping for enough food to last for ten days I did not take the time to make a shopping list. I just grabbed my cart (aka “buggy” in North Carolina) and filled it with a bunch of stuff that looked appetizing and easy to cook.

When I looked at my final receipt I couldn’t help but laugh at my list of bizarre foodstuffs. Here is what I, as a respectable 34-year-old male, purchased to keep me nourished for the next week and a half:

Bread ($2.24) – The NMW wisely weaned me off white bread for wheat bread years ago for health reasons. After several minutes of perusing the bread isle I realized that I had no idea what type of wheat bread I have been eating for the better part of a decade. Whole Grain? Enriched? Honey? Free Range? I purchased Honey because it sounded the yummiest.

Beefaroni-3 ($.88 ea.) – My first love was a girl named Natalie who was in my Kindergarten class. My second love was a girl named Amy in my second grade class. My third love was a substance called Beefaroni. While I have no idea what happened to Natalie or Amy, I am still on good terms with Beefaroni.

Chicken Pot Pie ($2.48) – These bad boys were in my regular rotation as a college student and I have not eaten one in several years. This was a nostalgia purchase. All I need to do now is put on a Depeche Mode CD, repeatedly quote Beavis and/or Butthead, and start some relationship drama and it will be like I’m back at Ricks College circa 1993.

Frito's Honey Barbecue Flavor Twists (2 for $4) – These crunchy, flavorful goodies rank in the Top-5 Most Important Inventions in my lifetime along with the personal computer, the internet, cell phones, and Madden.

Hot Pockets (2 for $4) – One pepperoni, one ham and cheese. I love the portability of Hot Pockets. Maybe I’ll multitask tomorrow by going for a jog at the same time I wolf down a ham and cheese Hot Pocket.

Funyons ($.88) – Impulse purchase. They were eaten before I got home. I rarely buy Funyons when the family is at home because the oniony smell lingers on my breath for several days, regardless of how often or vigorously I brush my teeth. But when I’m on my own? Funyon me up, baby!

GV CM BT MSH ($1.32) – I seriously have no idea what this is and cannot decipher the meaning of the abbreviation on the receipt. Please post comments with your theories or vote in the poll on the right hand column. My guess? Great Valley Combustible Bat Mush.

Pepperoni Pizza (2 for $2.50) – I lived on these in college and still look forward to a hot Totino’s after a long day of work and church meetings. Sure, in college my blood was a thick, gloopy substance that smelled of pepperoni and grease, but man, Tonino’s are good!

Chocolate Milk ($3.42) – Hey! The price on the rack was something like $2.25, not $3.42! Wal-Mart ripped me off! Anyway, I got the chocolate milk because I need some source of calcium in my diet. On a side note, my milk drinking habit is somewhat strange. I cannot drink milk unless it is so cold it is nearly frozen. My milk always goes in the freezer for about five minutes before I drink it. The perfect glass of milk, in my book, has just started to form a ring of frozen milk at the top of the cup.

Dynobites Cereal ($5.24 per bag) – I almost never eat cereal in the morning. It is more of an evening snack for me. In fact, I had two big bowls of Coco Dynobites for dinner last night. If I die from poor nutrition over the next ten days, please place a bag of Coco Dynobites in my casket.

Steak ($4.03) – I am man. Hear me grill!

Tax ($.76) – I was going to make a political joke here, but learned the hard way that it’s best to keep this a politics-free zone.

While I did well stocking up on foods that are either 1) Chocolate or 2) Frozen, I realized that there was no fruit on my receipt. But that might be for the best. After all, the first (and possibly last) time a lonely man got himself some fruit, things didn’t turn out quite so well.

Hurry home, NMW. I miss you!

Like NMH? Grahamtastic Stickers and Husband Hero make it possible. Why don't you advertise on NMH, too?


Strawberry Girl said...

NMH, have you ever heard of Cucumbers, celery, carrots, nuts and seeds and other such good stuff? NMW needs to come home and get you some...


8:06 PM
Megan said...

Great Value Creamy Butter Instant Mashed Potatoes... Right?

8:12 PM
The Wiz said...

It's some Great Value thing. Wal Mart brand food that tastes like cardboard.

I think, frankly, you might be better off at Wendy's than eating what you bought.

My diabetes just got much, much worse simply by reading this post.

9:28 PM
carmar76 said...

Great Value somethinsomethinsomethin. *laugh* And I am with you on the cold cold COLD milk thing. I hadn't thought to put it in the freezer before drinking, thank you for the tip!!

10:05 PM
Col.Smeag said...

$4.03 for a Steak? On sale or were the Rib eyes all out and you had to settle for sirloin?

11:23 PM
MormonTechie said...

This post is awesome... mostly because I can identify. My NMW left me alone with our 4 kids for a week about a month ago and we had lucky charms for breakfast, lunch and dinner for two days.... it was great...

I also had lots of impulse early college days buys... :)

5:16 AM
jennie w. said...

I still have a soft spot for Funyons. Washed down by a nearly frozen Mtn. Dew. Perfection.

6:16 AM
Tiffany said...

I think you just convinced NMH to come home early to save you from a heart attack. Clever idea.

6:40 AM
Amber said...

Uhhh...your poll is actually in the left hand column. But don't worry we all mix up our lefts and rights on occasion. Well, women and five year olds do at least...not sure I've ever known a man to do it though. He, he, he just messing with you. I loved the post!

8:05 AM
Homer and Queen said...

Did you know that salad comes in a bag now? You can do it!!!

10:02 AM
DeNae said...

Pretty sure it was Adam's WIFE who gave him that fateful fruit, so I'm thinking you're as safe from any further transgression as you can get. (And I've always thought it was a cruel irony that they were commanded to be fruitful. Yeah, they were full of fruit all right...)

Maybe you can throw in some green m&ms and call them veggies.

10:08 AM

There were several things I ate in college that I have recently developed a hankering for, including:

Those delicious Tostinos pizzas-I only like the pepperoni flavor, and not the lame little pepporonis diced into individual pepperoni molecules, sliced pepperoni.

Mac & Cheese--MMMMMM...Yellow Death!

Ramen--I don't know why...

Spaghettios--Because they make me feel young and carefree.

10:15 AM
Courtney said...

I've been following you for a while now, but your love for Cocoa Dinobites has made me a fan forever. Cocoa Dinobites rule!!

5:05 PM
Sandy said...

Your wife will come home to a new, larger man.

5:28 PM
sondra said...

A health-food book I was browsing identified pot pies as the single worst-for-you food in the whole grocery store. Congratulations, you hit the junk-food jackpot!!

9:53 AM
Alyssa said...

Oh my goodness! Do you realize that at least 3 of your purchases have trans fat in them? And not just a little, like the miniscule amount in a savory Hebrew National hot dog (I'm justifying here), But lots of trans fat! I can hear your arteries crying :(

1:18 PM

Megan - Ding! Ding! Ding! You nailed it. I purchased Great Valley Butter Instant Mashed Potatoes to feed to the missionaries last night. It is something I never would have purchased for myself, hence the forgetfulness.

Okay, smarty pants, what does this mean:


8:02 PM

Sondra - You said, "Congratulations, you hit the junk-food jackpot!!" I hate to be the grammar police here, but the correct word is "Junkpot", not "Jackpot."

I'll get off my high horse now and go eat some trans-fatty fatness for dinner. Then, when I return to my horse, he will buckle and strain under my trans-fatty weight.

8:03 PM
Megan said...

I bet you can guess what this means...

Sheesh... At least try!

Just kiddin'. That's what you get for not calling us while in CA...


10:14 PM
Chad said...

I often get strange looks from whoever is at the table when I pour milk into a glass of ice. Cold milk is the only way to go!

6:57 PM
Jolyn said...

I will never look at a Chalupa the same way again. How disturbing.

1:51 PM
Trent Kingston said...

Mt theory is fruits and vegetables are overrated. In fact, they are so foreign to my body that when I do actually consume them my body rejects them like a virus and I get sick. Here is my theory:

If you never eat fruits and vegetables then your body doesn't actually know it needs them and somehow supplements itself by extracting any nutrients it possibly can from things such as Wendys, Taco Bell, steak, totinos (or any pizza), donuts, chocolate etc. Throw in some somewhat healthy things like milk and cheese and some PB & J (on wheat of course) and you are good to go. My wife always gives me crap about my diet but my work does wellness checks every 6 months for the both of us and my stats always come back perfect and while her salad induced diet does not always produce the same results. So I say eat that steak sprinkled with funyons, wash it down with some ice cold chocolate milk and live!

7:16 AM
The Oregonians said...

The last I heard was that Natalie married a Microsoft millionaire and Amy is opening in a B'way show this fall. (But I may be thinking of two other erstwhile loves.)

6:48 PM
John said...

the nice people at the pringles company have some new flavors out that i highly recommend.

vegetables are for losers!

5:09 AM