It is not good for man to be alone.
And alone is how I currently find myself. The Normal Mormon Wife and our three kids left in late June on an epic month-long road trip, leaving me to my own devices. I flew out last week to vacation with them in Utah for a fabulous week and then headed back home, by myself, to North Carolina. So I now find myself as a lone man tending the garden in my backyard approximately 35 miles from Eden, NC.
But unlike Adam, the first lonely man, I am not eating nearly enough fruit. However, I have found myself regularly consuming a disturbing amount of foods that should have been forbidden years ago by the Surgeon General. Unfortunately, I place more stock in the advice of Mayor McCheese than C. Everett Coop, as witnessed by my recent eating habits
I have eaten enough Wendy’s in the NMW’s absence that red pigtails have begun spontaneously sprouting from the sides of my head. My visits to Subway have been so frequent that Jared himself, feeling threatened, told me “back off, man!” or else he would “gut me like a fish” for invading his turf. I have digested so many Taco Bell items that it no longer bothers me chalupas are really just dead Chihuahuas rolled up in discarded carpet samples.
All of this fast food is not healthy. I realized this yesterday when my blood pressure was so high that my blood broke the sound barrier, so I headed to Wal-Mart to do some grocery shopping. This shopping venture may have been the first time I have gone grocery shopping on my own, for myself, since the NMW and I were married in 1997. Since I was only shopping for enough food to last for ten days I did not take the time to make a shopping list. I just grabbed my cart (aka “buggy” in North Carolina) and filled it with a bunch of stuff that looked appetizing and easy to cook.
When I looked at my final receipt I couldn’t help but laugh at my list of bizarre foodstuffs. Here is what I, as a respectable 34-year-old male, purchased to keep me nourished for the next week and a half:
Bread ($2.24) – The NMW wisely weaned me off white bread for wheat bread years ago for health reasons. After several minutes of perusing the bread isle I realized that I had no idea what type of wheat bread I have been eating for the better part of a decade. Whole Grain? Enriched? Honey? Free Range? I purchased Honey because it sounded the yummiest.
Beefaroni-3 ($.88 ea.) – My first love was a girl named Natalie who was in my Kindergarten class. My second love was a girl named Amy in my second grade class. My third love was a substance called Beefaroni. While I have no idea what happened to Natalie or Amy, I am still on good terms with Beefaroni.
Chicken Pot Pie ($2.48) – These bad boys were in my regular rotation as a college student and I have not eaten one in several years. This was a nostalgia purchase. All I need to do now is put on a Depeche Mode CD, repeatedly quote Beavis and/or Butthead, and start some relationship drama and it will be like I’m back at Ricks College circa 1993.
Frito's Honey Barbecue Flavor Twists (2 for $4) – These crunchy, flavorful goodies rank in the Top-5 Most Important Inventions in my lifetime along with the personal computer, the internet, cell phones, and Madden.
Hot Pockets (2 for $4) – One pepperoni, one ham and cheese. I love the portability of Hot Pockets. Maybe I’ll multitask tomorrow by going for a jog at the same time I wolf down a ham and cheese Hot Pocket.
Funyons ($.88) – Impulse purchase. They were eaten before I got home. I rarely buy Funyons when the family is at home because the oniony smell lingers on my breath for several days, regardless of how often or vigorously I brush my teeth. But when I’m on my own? Funyon me up, baby!
GV CM BT MSH ($1.32) – I seriously have no idea what this is and cannot decipher the meaning of the abbreviation on the receipt. Please post comments with your theories or vote in the poll on the right hand column. My guess? Great Valley Combustible Bat Mush.
Pepperoni Pizza (2 for $2.50) – I lived on these in college and still look forward to a hot Totino’s after a long day of work and church meetings. Sure, in college my blood was a thick, gloopy substance that smelled of pepperoni and grease, but man, Tonino’s are good!
Chocolate Milk ($3.42) – Hey! The price on the rack was something like $2.25, not $3.42! Wal-Mart ripped me off! Anyway, I got the chocolate milk because I need some source of calcium in my diet. On a side note, my milk drinking habit is somewhat strange. I cannot drink milk unless it is so cold it is nearly frozen. My milk always goes in the freezer for about five minutes before I drink it. The perfect glass of milk, in my book, has just started to form a ring of frozen milk at the top of the cup.
Dynobites Cereal ($5.24 per bag) – I almost never eat cereal in the morning. It is more of an evening snack for me. In fact, I had two big bowls of Coco Dynobites for dinner last night. If I die from poor nutrition over the next ten days, please place a bag of Coco Dynobites in my casket.
Steak ($4.03) – I am man. Hear me grill!
Tax ($.76) – I was going to make a political joke here, but learned the hard way that it’s best to keep this a politics-free zone.
While I did well stocking up on foods that are either 1) Chocolate or 2) Frozen, I realized that there was no fruit on my receipt. But that might be for the best. After all, the first (and possibly last) time a lonely man got himself some fruit, things didn’t turn out quite so well.
Hurry home, NMW. I miss you!
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