Killing Time (Serioulsy. I Killed It. Time's Dead.)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

For the past eleven days I have been home all by my lonesome as the Normal Mormon Wife and our three crazy kids have been visiting family all over the country. They will return home tomorrow night and life will finally get back to normal, complete with runny noses, skinned knees, fights over toys, Play Station games, arguments about bed times, no desire to do chores, etc. And those are the issues that will surface just between the NMW and me. I can only imagine what the kids have in store for us...

In the absence of family my life has consisted of one primary objective:

Killing time.

The phrase "killing time" implies that time, like anything else, can ultimately be killed. (The obvious exceptions to the 'anything can be killed' rule, of course, are The Three Nephites, John the Beloved, Chuck Norris and Al Davis.) I've expended so much effort recently in killing time that I actually succeeded! I killed time! Seriously. It's dead.

Time was killed on Sunday, July 19th, 2009 at 10:48 p.m. I had been doing such a good job at killing Time over the past few days that he was nearly dead at 6:02 p.m. when I left home to have dinner at a friend's house. There was blood trickling out of Time's ears and his breathing was shallow, but Time was definitely alive when I left home. When I returned later that evening I noticed Time had crawled over to the the telephone and dialed, "9-1-", but I wrestled the phone away from him before he called the cops. I managed to kill Time later that evening. It was a messy job and I ended up with "a lot of Time on my hands", so I concealed the evidence by putting "Time in a bottle", tying the bottle to a cement block and dumping it in a lake.

The whole ordeal was pretty traumatic and it is going to be a while before I can put this horrific tragedy behind me. But you know the old saying - Time heals all wounds. Except for his own wounds, I learned, since Time is now decomposing at the bottom of Lake Jeanette.

But I did not act alone in this killing. A number of accomplices from all over the web assisted me every step of the way. So if you're ever in the need for killing some Time, here are the seedy thugs who made it happen for me:

Hulu - Best place on the web for free TV shows and movies. In the TV department you can find everything from The Simpsons to The Office to COPS to The A Team to Ice Road Truckers. The free movies are pretty skimpy for those of us of the LDS persuasion, but you can watch Saints and Soliders, Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie, and The Secret of NIMH.

Rasmussen Reports - New polls are added several times a day to show what our fellow Americans believe about society, politics, sports, and business. Some polls have rational outcomes, while the results of others are completely crazy. By "rational" I mean that I agree with the majority of the respondents. "Crazy" outcomes occur when I disagree with the majority, or, better said, Rasmussen was only able to find people who sniff glue to respond to that particular survey.

Facebook - My high score on Path Words is 960. I stopped playing Scramble after I did not blink for 13 consecutive hours and my eyes had to be replaced with walnuts. I have never joined Mafia Wars. And, yes, you will suffer the same fate as Time if you Super Poke me!

ESPN - Despite my Shawn Bradley-related feud with Bill Simmons, he continues to be a must read. During the football season I gobble up Gregg Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback columns that ramble from football to space exploration to politics. While I don't always agree with his political beliefs, Easterbrook's a great writer. Speaking of politics...

Huffpo & Drudge Report - I read a lot about politics and visit one of these two sites multiple times each day. Most of you like this blog being a politics-free zone, so I'll refrain from saying which one of those two sites I thoroughly enjoy. If you have never visited either site, the Huffpo will appeal to liberals and Drudge to conservatives. If you are a "moderate" or an "independent", I recommend you pick a side before the 2012 presidential election, which will end in a full-scale armed battle as predicted in Orson Scott Card's book "Empire". Speaking of the OSC...

Orson Scott Card's "In the Village"
- OSC is my all-time favorite author. His Mormon Times pieces usually broaden my perspective and help me see common, everyday situation in life a little differently.

Snide Remarks - No other writer can make me laugh like Eric D. Snider. He and I were at BYU at the same time and reading his weekly column in The Daily Universe student paper was one of the highlights of my week. His Police Beat spoof mocking BYU's weekly police roundup is still the funniest column I have ever read.

Boomshine - More addictive than Girl Scout Samoa cookies sprinkled with crack cocaine...or so I've been told (quickly backpedaling...)

Segullah - My sister, Angela Hallstrom, has great posts at Segullah.org. If you live in the Salt Lake valley you can probably relate to her recent column about the East Side vs. West Side rivalry. It's one of my favorites. Sure, Segullah is geared toward women, so I call myself Mrs. Bertram Van Munster when I visit there to disguise the fact that I am really of the gender that sprouts back hair.

Youtube - A happy, upbeat trailer for The Shining. A cringe-worthy song celebrating the Bank of America and MBNA merger (I'm pretty sure Michael Scott wrote this...). Tom Chamber's dunk. I love ping pong. And, my personal favorite, DRAMATIC CHIPMUNK.

And those, ladies and gents, were my accomplices in killing Time. But if my family ever goes on vacation without me again I will need to fill the void somehow. Please post your top-3 favorite websites, videos, web games, clips, etc. that are not listed in this post. I will select the best submissions and give "Honorary Accomplice To Murder" awards to the people who posted them.

And for those of you who disagree with my selections, put down the glue and answer the phone. Rasmussen wants to ask you a few questions.

Like NMH? Grahamtastic Stickers and Husband Hero make it possible.

31 comments

FelixAndAva said...

You forgot Jack Bauer in the "cannot be killed" category. ;)

Time-killing sites:

http://www.samurai-sudoku.com

http://en.wikipedia.org (I routinely get sucked into multi-hour time sinks of proliferating tabs)

http://spamlds.ning.com (great resources for dealing with anti-Mormons)

9:51 PM
Pam C. said...

Play Strike a Match at Boxerjam.com

http://www.boxerjam.com/sam/

10:23 PM
Lalis said...

The Dramatic Chipmunk is definitely a classic. Here's one sweet place where I like to kill time: Cake Wrecks

11:45 PM
FelixAndAva said...

I love Cake Wrecks, too, but wasn't sure NMH would, being a guy. ;)

There's also "There, I Fixed It" (http://thereifixedit.com), which might be more guy-appealing.

12:23 AM
McCrazys said...

www.ninjakiwi.com

12:52 AM
Charlotte said...

homestarrunner.com - the teen girl squad videos and strong bad e-mails. my faves are dragon, children's book, and japanese cartoon.

5:01 AM
Maren Hansen said...

I love all those you mentioned, including homestarrunner & cakewrecks. Try AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com too. And of course, the ubiquitous Fail Blog.

5:43 AM
Megan said...

With 3 kids, I'm always in between something. So these are my (several) go-to's!

http://games.yahoo.com/console/sa (Addiction Solitaire, aptly named)

http://apps.facebook.com/hotdices/ (Farkle on Facebook... my Katie loves it, too!)

http://www.netflix.com/
(Either organizing your queue, finding new movies for it, or watching instantly)

http://www.king.com or http://www.pogo.com (I like to play Dominos on Pogo...)

http://www.acrobabble.com/ (You need to brush up on your Acro skillz!)

http://www.tmz.com

http://www.mormonmommywars.com/?p=659 (I call this post "Sacrament Meetings Gone Wild"... posts are STILL coming in--and several are from AZ!)

http://primetime.tv.yahoo.com/ (A quick sarcastic recap of last night's TV)

http://www.people.com/people/videos/theysaidwhat/ (They said what?! On TV?!)

9:09 AM
FelixAndAva said...

Megan, this is just WEIRD, and I've lived in California since right after my baptism, so only really have experience with attending Church meetings in CA. Just about every ward I've been in has a "character" or two (and yeah, sometimes I think it's me (smile)), but these stories are amazing.

9:41 AM
Angela said...

Maren stole my awkwardfamilyphotos.com pick--but I forgive her. Always something on that blog to make me laugh out loud.

My newest Facebook game? Typing maniac. Although I'm not very good. (Dang! Why am I never very good at those facebook games?) http://apps.facebook.com/typing-maniac/

And of course, for anybody who likes movies, rottentomatoes.com. A MUST!

Thanks for the shout out too, my bro.

10:00 AM
megs said...

This music video is aptly entitled "The Worst Music Video EVER". I don't know how we first came across it, but my family has killed several hours of time analyzing the lyrics and interpretive dance moves... By the time you're done watching this you just might want to kill YOURSELF.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPnGPIMUnus

10:38 AM
JillEE said...

While I've visited most of the sites listed, I did just discover
http://www.j-archive.com/
which for a trivia-phile like myself is a huge time killer.

10:50 AM

I sir, contest that you have killed time... I have seen him marching on and on... no matter how much I try to stop him I can never seem to catch him, but he is certainly alive and well...

12:34 PM
Melanie said...

When I'm bored my go to sites are:
seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com,
thepioneerwoman.com, and cakewrecks.blogspot.com. And about 20 other blogs I read on a regular basis!

2:50 PM
The Wiz said...

I could so take you in scramble.

9:22 PM
Jon-Michael said...

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

This is a great time waster for me. it also makes me feel good about what I eat.

9:25 PM
carmar76 said...

Blogger is mine. I love reading everyone's stories! And generally, one blog will lead to another (for instance, FelixAndAva mentioned spamlds, I went, I read waaaaaay past my bedtime!) and before I know it I'm waking up w/ QWERTY on my forhead!

Also, I have to second the Typing Maniac obsession on FB. My arm is sooooo sore, but I beat my own best score tonight! : )

10:16 PM
Chad said...

You pretty much covered the bases on websites. There used to be one called babycage.net that was a joke site with pictures of babies in dog type kennels, funniest thing ever. It advertised ways to get your kids under control. It acted like you could actually buy one, but if you went all the way through with a purchase it would give you a humorous, yet guilt causing error message. I tried to find it recently and it had been taken down, though a google images search still has some of the photoshopped pictures.

Be very glad you have avoided mafia wars. Its such a time wasting addicting game that I wish I could quit!

10:47 PM
Sandy said...

We became Hulu fans after we decided to cut the cable a couple months ago to limit our TV watching. It doesn't count if you then watch the same show then day after it airs, on the computer, with limited commercial interruption:)

6:15 AM
FelixAndAva said...

Another funny site to check out: http://overheardintheward.com .

9:24 AM
Becca said...

Okay, so I only have one (and I don't know how to link).

Go to Youtube and type in Literal Video. Then watch the Literal version of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" - it's only 5 minutes, but that's if you only watch it Once.

(There are others, not quite as fabulous, and some with a PG-13+ rating. Total Eclipse is the best: "This started out as Hogwarts, now it's Lord of the Flies")

9:28 AM
Alyssa said...

Maybe I missed it, but did nobody mention lolcatz? icanhascheezburger.com
great waste of time!

3:46 PM
Jared said...

lds.org - is any other site needed?

There are a lot of other great YouTube videos - Brian Regan comedy videos, David After the Dentist (and the remix and the Chad Vader versions), and so forth.

The wsj.com is a great place to "kill time" too. Most of the articles are better than most other online news sources.

Cubescape (http://www.themaninblue.com/experiment/Cubescape/) is a good time-waster.

Orisinal (http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/) games are beautiful and simple with great music.

http://www.orlive.com/ for watching surgeries. This is great if you or someone you know are going to have a surgery, you can see if there is one archived (or live) on that site to watch.

The ultimate time (but hopefully not money) waster - slickdeals.net (and fatwallet.com). Greatest non-religious sites ever.

Lifehacker.com can be pretty good too.

I do agree with homestarrunner too.

6:13 PM
Laura said...

Crafts may not be your cup of tea, but I am completely amazed at how much time people spend making useless things.

'Glitter Gone Bad' has prevented me from gluing sequins on my flyswatter ever, ever again.

http://glittergonebad.blogspot.com/

I also spend ginormous amounts of time surfing Amazon for cool books. And a favorite quote from a favorite book from a favorite author that I got from my favorite Amazon wish list is, "You can not kill time without injuring eternity." Just a little philosophical twist on things...

6:36 PM
Pappy Yokum said...

One of my favorite that hasn't been mentioned yet is http://mormonhusbands.blogspot.com/ and I'm not saying that to brown nose because I don't know you well enough to have to brown nose yet... :))

12:00 PM
Ann said...

Top three time waster sites:

1)http://www.crunchyroll.com/- Under the Drama tab, this site has all sorts of fun Korean Soap Operas (with English subtitles). My favorite is "Coffee Prince." Somehow soap operas in foreign languages are so much more entertaining...

2)www.google.com - type in "find chuck norris" then click on the "I'm feeling lucky" button. Makes me laugh every time.

3)www.divinecomedy.net/videos - my all time favorite video is "The Bubble"- a Utah Valley spoof of M. Night Shyamalan' "The Village." U of U students as the creatures... Good fun. Also, "Sexy 'Stache" is good for a few shudders. (Shudders as in "to shiver convulsively, as from fear or revulsion" - I guess you could add www.dictionary.com to one of my frequented sites as well).

12:33 AM
Chad said...

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

For sure a time killer. At least it is true.

10:14 AM
Anonymous said...

www.freerice.com

6:41 PM

Your taste in Hulu shows has me excited for this blog.

Mr. T rocks!

1:45 PM
Jenny said...

You are great at killing time. Try looking at this site and putting in your opinion and your views of the book of mormon.. its pretty cool .
UnderstandingBookofMormon

4:03 PM
Sargent Family said...

I just started reading this blog today and I can already tell I am going to slaughter time on here... Anyway, my other new treasure is www.manbabies.com. Dad and baby heads switched. It is mesmerizing!

5:48 PM